Hi:)

Do you know the disorder when you listen to music, and no matter what song it is, you see Tony and Ziva? No? Well, I might be infected. I'm a little bit scared, really. Because it follows me, everywhere and I just can't get rid of it. Scary, huh? Well, this story came into my mind while listening to Kelly Clarksons My Life Would Suck Without You. I might be quoting the song in later chapters.

It its a Tiva story, of course, and when you review I might be updating faster:D Takes place after Ray and EJ, so it might contain some spoilers up to that.

Remember, English isn't my first language, I still don't have a beta-reader, and I'm kinda stressed at the moment.

Disclaimer: I own neither NCIS nor Kelly Clarkson but the mistakes in this story.

Enjoy:)

"I hate you," she cried before slamming the door as hard as she could. Tony stood outside of the apartment, hardly two hours after he entered it, with tears of regret and hurt in his eyes.

The evening had started pretty nice, though. Tony had appeared at her door with take away pizza, beer and a movie. They haden't done this in a while. When Gibbs was in Mexico, they did it quite often, actually. But then, overnight, it started falling apart. Tony ignored Ziva at work and wouldn't come to her apartment anymore, leaving her confused and hurt until she started to accept and trying to forget. They decided that it was the best for them to let it go. Then Michael happened and Jeanne, then Jenny, and Somalia. When it just started to get better, Ray and EJ came.

That is why Ziva was surprised to see Tony like in olden times. She didn't mind, of course, she missed their nights a lot. The uncertainty of how to define their relationship botherd her sometimes. Back then, in what seemed a lifetime ago, she would have said they were friends. Perhaps something more. Later then, definitely more. And then it broke again, and nothing was left. Now, she wasn't sure where they stood.

Not talking much, both settled on the couch, Tony putting in the movie in and Ziva opening the beer. There was comfortable silence surrounding them, and by the end of the movie, their legs were entangled and her head was resting on his chest. Neither of them bothered to move, so they just stayed in the position they both were content with.

Nevertheless, Tony decided to stop the silence and the peace of the moment and stirred, just a little bit. Ziva lifted her head to look into Tonys eyes.

"What is this?" He whispered.

Ziva stayed silent. She didn't know how to answer this simple but at the same time so unbelievably complicated question. But that was what she wanted to know, too. What she needed to know.

"I don't know. What do you want this to be?"

Tony snorted.

"What?" Ziva asked offended.

Almost violently, Tony got up and pulled Ziva with him.

"You can't keep doing that, you know? Answering my questions with questions. That's just not how it works"

"So I am the bad one, huh? What about you? Did you ever, ever been honest to me?" Ziva took a step back, away from him. Her voice was getting louder with every word. "You never told me why you stopped coming, you were never brave enough to tell me what's going on! And you never changed! That summer, I thought you were dying, you know? You scared the hell out of me, for weeks, just because you decided to keep you little affair a secret"

"It was an order, Ziva, you should know the best that I was forced to be careful"

Tony was angry. How could she dare bring up Jeanne now? She knew it was an unfair thing to do, but in her current state of mind, she didn't care at all.

"Careful, hah. You were not careful, you were egoistic, you were a coward. A fucking coward, and you know it, Tony. You just try to protect yourself"

"This was never about me trying to protect myself, never," Tony shouted. "As if you have been honest to me, don't act so innocent. We both know that's not true."

Ziva's breathing quickened. She was close to tears but determinated not to let Tony see her weak. She bit her lip in anger, then aggressively pushed Tony towards the door.

"Go, just go Tony." She cried.

"Now who's being a coward, huh? You're such a hypocrite, Ziva."

Angrily, Tony grabbed his jacket and let Ziva shove him out of her apartment. She tried to close the door, but he wouldn't let her.

"You're just afraid of being hurt. You're trying to protect yourself me, not me. But, that's useless, anyway, because I would never want you," Tony regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.

Eyes wide open, Ziva looked at him. He could see the hurt in her eyes and knew he really fucked up this time. "Look…" He tried and reached for her shoulder, but Ziva slapped his hand away. "I hate you," she cried before slamming the door as hard as she could.

Feel free to tell me what you think:)