The first time Severus tried to commit suicide he was seventeen. He had just joined the Death Eaters and had just realized exactly what he had gotten himself into. Instead of an organization, he was met with a chaos that consumed him.
"Severus!" the Dark Lord called. "Step forward, it is time for you to prove yourself. Lucius." Malfoy stepped forward, a whip in hand, and bowed to his master.
"Remove his robes, clear his back," Lucius ordered. Severus couldn't understand. This was his best friend, why would he willingly do this to him. Maybe he wasn't his friend after all.
Crack. The whip came down harsh upon his back. He was given five lashes in which he didn't cry out. He even dared look up at the Dark Lord and saw a fury in his eyes. Apparently, the Dark Lord did not take kindly to those who would not break.
"Lucius. The next whip," came the command from the smirking lips. The next whip contained bits of rock, glass, and metal that would gouge his skin. He took five lashes with only a gasp upon the first strike. His back was bleeding and he knew it. It was going to take a long while for these wounds to heal.
"My lord?" Lucius questioned, he honestly hadn't expected Severus to last through the pain and he had never seen anyone last through just one lashing of the "Next whip".
"Use this," Voldemort handed Lucius a vial. Severus, had he known what was coming would have probably screamed from the last lashing. But he was foolish, he wanted to be brave and stand his ground, well, this would cure him of that.
Lucius uncorked the vile and poured the contents on Severus's open wounds. They burned white-hot. It was an acid of some sort; this caused Severus to shout out loud, squirming to get away. The acid dripped down his shoulders, marring his arms, straight down to his hands. Severus saw Lucius's face. He couldn't believe it, there was his best friend standing in awe of the potion, not at all concerned for his friend.
"Good. The Half-Blood can be broken," the Dark Lord smirked, nodding to Lucius. "Fix his hands, make sure they don't scar, leave the rest, he needs a reminder, I feel, as to whom his life now belongs."
"Yes, lord. Shall I clean him up afterwards?"
"Do what you will."
Lucius took him away into an antechamber. Severus was numb now, his nerves were either damaged or his mind had shut down. Lucius sent a healing charm at his hands and then thrust a portkey into Severus's hands. When Severus looked up, Lucius smirked.
"You didn't think I was going to heal you after you made me look bad, did you? Get that muggle loving fool of a headmaster to do the healing for you."
It took him six weeks to fully recover and even then he was still fragile. It was lucky for him. Once he was able to sleep in his own quarters, as Dumbledore hired him as the Potions Master once he had seen what happened to Severus.
In the dark, Severus would trace the acid burned skin on his arms, the little trails that leaked from his back, down his arms when Lucius poured it on. It was one of those dark nights that Severus decided that he didn't want any scars on his body that were not of his own making. He retrieved a silver knife from his potions kit. He cut. He cut deep, trying to cut out the thick acid scars. He bled heavily, onto the sheets and the rug on the floor. He could not stop. He needed the scars to be gone. He had blacked out from the blood loss and awakened in the Infirmary.
Now, he was on his second attempt. He dearly hoped it would be his last attempt. The Dark Lord had been defeated, thanks to Harry Bloody Potter. Dumbledore had died at his hand, and in turn Severus had nearly died because of Nagini's bite. Yet, fate was a bitch that loved to fuck with Severus.
This time, Severus had made a poison that would kill him in three minutes. That way, he could die in a place of his own choosing. It had taken three days to make, and he was stirring the last few times before it would be complete. Then he would be free.
"Professor?" Potter had called out to him from the doorway. He should have known that even in his attempt at death, Harry Bloody Potter would interfere.
"What is it, Potter? I have things I need to do," Severus wanted him gone. He was almost done; this was supposed to be his time, his respite.
"I was wondering if I could talk to you, sir?"
"Talk to me, Potter? Why not someone like McGonagall? She is your head of house. Go bother her, and leave me alone. I think I have deserved that at least?"
"I'm sorry, Professor. It was just that, I know you wouldn't lie to me, or sugar coat any sort of truth. I just sort of needed that right now, but if you're busy, maybe I could come back later?" that brat's face was hopeful. Bloody Hell.
"No, you cannot come back later, Potter. Because I won't be here later, if everything turns out the way I hope. Now, please," Severus paused, he was tired, "just leave me in peace."
"Are you alright, Professor?"
"No, Potter, I am not. I've spent over half my life involved in this war. I just want to be free. Can you understand that? No, of course you can't. I have been serving one master or another for far too long. Now. Now, it is my time and I'll do with it what I please," Severus had no idea where exactly that had come from, but at least he told Potter what he was doing in the vaguest sense. Hell, maybe the boy might actually understand.
"Professor?" Then again, maybe not.
"Potter, just leave," his voice was soft and weary. He was just unable to keep the hate in there any longer; it took too much effort now. The boy left. The potion was done. He bottled it up and placed it in his pocket and cleaned up his workstation.
Severus went to his rooms; they were all packed, except for his bed. He had this all planned, no need to make more of a nuisance of himself, not to mention the fact that he didn't want everybody rifling through his things. Petty, he knew, but he didn't care.
Uncorking the vile from his pocket, he downed the vile and laid down on his mattress. The potion made him tired, so very tired. He closed his eyes, and exhaled. He never inhaled again.
Some people thought they understood why Severus did it, some couldn't imagine why he would do such a thing after the war was won. But Harry Bloody Potter knew exactly why, and could not begrudge the man. He hoped that the surly professor was happy now, at least happier than he ever could be here on earth.
Harry Bloody Potter married Ginny Bloody Potter and had three bloody children. The second one was named after Severus, after all the man was brave. It was Albus Severus Potter who came into his parents' room one night and poked his daddy's eye until he woke up.
"Al, what is?" Harry asked sleepily.
"Uncle Severus says that he's happy. He told me to tell you, Harry Bloody Potter," Al said while climbing up into the warmth of his parent's bed. "Is that your middle name, Daddy? Bloody?"
"Al, that isn't a nice name and you shouldn't let your mother catch you saying that. Now how do you know about Uncle Severus? When did he talk to you?" Harry asked his four-year old son.
"He was with me in my dreams. He made a po-shun with me, Daddy! He said that I in-in-hair-ott your skills. Then he laughed and told me to tell you that that he was having all sorts of fun. He even showed me a chocolate fountain, Daddy!" Al's eyes were big when he talked to his Daddy about his dream. "Oh! He gave me something to give to you too, Daddy."
"What was it, Al?" Harry asked, as he had nothing in his little hands.
"I left it on my bed, Daddy, can you go get it? I'm tired," Al punctuated his statement with a yawn.
"Course, buddy, you go to bed now, I'll be back in a minute." Harry walked to his son's bedroom and on his bed was a pendant, with a protection charm etched into it. Harry figured that his old professor was trying to keep him safe, even after his death. Harry pocketed the pendant, making a note to give it to Al in the morning. After all, who better to watch over his son, than his namesake?