Eric Cartman awoke just like any other day. The only difference today was the rip roaring pains shooting through his body. The tender back, crampy hips, bloated stomach and aches that shot down through his legs concerned the young man.
His alarm clock sounded as it had been set to. Cartman savagely slapped at the clock hoping the shrill shriek would simply cease. When the buzzer failed to quit its infernal racket Cartman flung the device wildly against the wall. The alarm was nothing new, yet in his current state, Cartman found the usual occurrence I tolerable.
Cartman grumbled as he forced himself to sit up. His stomach growling as he pondered what to have for breakfast. Despite his discomfort, the thought of food settled his flurried thoughts thus easing the niggling aches and pains.
The brunette stood up feeling dizzy and lightheaded. He slowly found his feet and made journey to the kitchen. once there the man quickly decided on a microwaved breakfast burrito, but not just any burrito. A burrito smothered in chipotle then dipped in melted chocolate. Cartman then headed back to his room and collapsed atop his bed again. The pains in his stomach pulsing, sending shock waves to every nerve ending of his body. Eric laid deep in thought or as deep in thought as his clouded mind would allow him to get. Was he dying? Was it something he ate?
Cartman reached out one stubby hand and snatched for his cell, which he'd thrown on the nightstand last night before passing out into an almost comatose style sleep. He frantically scrolled through his contacts as another shot of pain settled in his hips. The man finally came to the contact intended and pressed the screen.
"Hello." A groggy voice answered on the second ring, obviously been awoken from their slumber.
"Kahl... Kahl. Listen you fucking Jew. You're the smartest person I know..
" Cartman began.
"Fatass is this you? What the fuck? Why are you waking me at seven in the morning on a Sunday?" Kyle snapped, the realization that is was the weekend and he was awake quickly restoring Kyle's full thought and wit.
"I was going to tell you before you cut my off you fucking jewfish..." Cartman snarled.
Kyle was quiet and let a small grunt out to signal he was listening. "OK asshole. I woke up with a major stomach ache. My hips hurt, my back aches, my whole body feels weak. I feel shit Kahl. Oh and my nipples just started aching. Fucking great." Cartman whined.
Kyle laughed out loud. "Fatass... It's probably one of the numerous things you shovel in your fat face daily. Either that or it sounds like... Dare I suggest it? Well it sounds like you're going through really brutal symptoms of PMS."
Cartman growled into the phone. "PMS... doesn't the fucking mean...?"
"Yes... Dudes don't get that fat for brains
So unless you got a pussy and lady bits put it down to or something. I mean fuck lard ass... I'm not a doctor. If you want an expert opinion get to Hells Pass don't call me." Kyle blurted out cutting off the other man. "so I'm gonna hang up now Cartman."
"Wait, wait... How do you know anything about PMS?" Cartman quizzed.
Kyle sighed. "Well why do you think my mom is such a fucking bitch?"
Cartman laughed causing his stomach and hips to throb like crazy. "Ha you just admitted your mom's a bitch!"
Kyle momentarily feel silent. "Whatever... I'm going now. Bye fat ass."
With that the call disconnected.
The chubby brunette used all his strength to drag himself up and out of bed once more. Cartman felt like crying from the pain but being stubborn and resilient; he vowed not to let it get the better of him.
Moving quickly Cartman dressed for the day. Pulling on a pair of jean which only just buttoned due to his expanded waistline and a long flannelette shirt, the man swiftly exited his home. He knew where to go, who to ask. Even though their relationship hadn't been anything spectacular, Eric knew he needed advice from someone who he presumed had experienced this type to issue before.
Cartman stood on the stoop of the Testaburger residence. He knocked loudly, two loud thuds on the large wooden door before him. The person he needed to see answered the door rubbing her eyes drowsily.
"Hey Wendy, did I wake you?" Cartman queried.
Wendy nodded. "Yeah you did, what time is it?" She droned.
Cartman tugged his cell from his pocket and grimaced at the aches in his stomach which forced him to clutch the affected area with his free hand. "It's almost eight."
Wendy nodded. "Well it's not too terrible of an hour. Come in and I'll make you some coffee."
Wendy turned and retreated back within her home. Cartman wearily followed, concerned as to Wendy's manner. The young noirette wasn't usually so hospitable and on rare occasions she was it worried Cartman, hell he would've even went as far to say it frightened him.
Perching at the breakfast bar Cartman eagerly watched on as Wendy made two cups of coffee. The girl approached sitting the mugs down on the bar with the sugar, milk and a plate of breakfast pastries. Cartman snatched at the sugar piling teaspoon after teaspoon in his mug, Wendy watched on wide eyed.
"I thought you'd given up eating that kind of junk?" She inquired poking at Cartmans belly and chuckling.
Eric glared and let out a soft whimper. Wendy shook her head. "What's wrong with you?" She questioned as the brunette grabbed for the pastries.
Explaining his predicament Cartman let the world win, crying in front of someone he never imagined he would. Wendy sported a look of confusion as she tried to make sense of the matter.
"It can't be Eric, men don't get their monthlies…. It's simply impossible." Wendy finally blurted out.
Cartman shook his head. "Should've known a feminist hippy like you would want your scientific reasoning, instead of blind faith. Fuck you Wendy, fuck you very much bitch." He growled thrusting a middle finger in the air at the raven haired girl.
Stomping through the house Cartman slammed the door behind him as he exited. Cursing under his breath another surge of pain flowed through him and he felt something damped his underwear.
Cartman rushed into the nearest public toilets and reefed down his jeans and underpants in one swift motion. The sight of blood made the man feel queasy. Blood didn't make Eric Cartman ill, he minced up a boys parents and fed them to him for fucks sake.
Cleaning himself up the best he could Cartman now more than ever needed counsel. His friends weren't helping him at all, Cartman knew his only hope know was to ask his mom and just so happened she was due home from work.
Eric walked hands thrust deep in his pockets, head hung low as he puzzled over what was going on. Slowly passing by Kenny's house, the big boned boy heard his name being called frantically. Cartman turned in the direction of the voice to see none other than Kenny racing toward him waving an arm like an escaped mental patient.
Cartman sighed deeply. "What do you want you poor piece of crap?" Kenny stopped visibly taken aback by Eric's grouchiness.
"What the fuck is wrong with you dude?" Kenny asked.
Eric scoffed. "I got my period this morning…ok." He confessed. Kenny laughed long and loud bending over clutching his stomach.
Standing up to full height once more the hooded blonde wipes a beaded tear from his eye as his raucous laughs became occasional chuckles before finally completely ceasing.
Glaring toward the orange clad boy Cartman folded his arms over his chest. "What's so fucking funny Kinny?" He snarled.
"Dude, remember that stomach flu when we were kids, we thought the same shit. Well I guess it's circulating through town again. I woke up this morning feeling a little under the weather too and what would you know; my ass is bleeding." Kenny replied.
Cartman clenched his jaw as he lost himself in deep thought remembering back to when they were eight. He shook his head not buying Kenny's excuse as he knew this pain was worse than anything he's previously felt. "I have my period, Kyle and Wendy confirmed it…. Plus a little under the weather I feel fucking shit." Cartman growled.
Kenny rolled his eyes. "What've you have for dinner last nice fat boy?" He quizzed.
Cartman thought. "I had three plates of moms chipotle chicken with extra spicy chipotle sauce on the side." He answered.
Kenny smirked as he waiting for it to sink into the larger boys pea brain. Cartman stood staring Kenny down his mind processing the situation, when it hit him his features fell to disbelief and Cartman nodded.
"See asshole, the stomach flu plus chipotle overdose equals lots of pain you stupid fucking sack of shit." Kenny explained.
Cartman still in a state of shock closed his eyes and balled his fists by his sides. Kenny turned and walked away knowing his work was done and there was always someone else in town to annoy.
Cartman turned and walked any every step more painful then the last.
"Well fuck me…. This is bullshit." He whined as he reached his front door.
Entering his house the brunette found his way into bed curling up in his blankets.
"Screw today, I'm going back to sleep."
A/N - So this was just a brief idea, it's not perfect but hopefully it's enjoyable. Don't forget to leave me your criticism in a review and thanks for you continuing support.