The Super Secret Not-Diary of Alfred F. Jones
September 5
I really hate my English teacher. I got a C on my paper today and Mattie shot me this really smug look when I saw the big A- printed on the top of his. Asshole. I mean, yeah, I'm a little embarrassed that he's doing better than I am in all of my classes except for chem and gym, but whatever. I made sure to punch him on the way out the door.
Later
Got detention for punching Mattie. Father's going to kill me.
Later Again
Dear God, one more day of cafeteria food and I'm actually going to vomit. I'm all for greasy, deep fried food-give me fries and burgers any day of the week over keenwa or Dad's cooking. But seriously, those heat-lamp-warmed chicken fingers look like they'd give someone cancer.
According to Mattie the English genius, it's spelled quinoa. Who the hell spells a word like that anyway?
Nearly fell asleep in math class today. Thank god Kiku poked me awake before Sir Nazi (our teacher) yelled me awake.
You really shouldn't call him that just because he's German-Kiku
Well if he didn't want to be called a Nazi, he shouldn't act like one.
You really need to learn to be more polite and accepting of other cultures-Kiku
What, you think if I act more respectful towards him or something my grade in math will magically improve?
No, but if you paid attention more it might-Kiku
Fuck you, man.
Later Again
Football practiced sucked. The field was muddy, we couldn't catch for shit, and there's a new kid on the team, Ivan somethingRussianorother. God, I don't know why, but I really hate the kid.
You know, sometimes you can be a real xenophobe, Al-Kiku
...I'm a musical instrument used by preschoolers?
Not a xylophone, Al, a xenophobe. You know, someone who hates or is afraid of foreigners-Kiku
I'm not afraid of foreigners! I was raised by two immigrants! Plus I'm friends with you!
Yeah, after we spent most of freshman year arguing-Kiku
Whatever. Dude, I don't have a problem with him because he's foreign, I have a problem with him because he kept looking at my ass in the locker room with those creepy purple eyes of his!
No response from Kiku. Huh. Wonder if I pissed him off or something. But he looked more...I don't know, exasperated? than angry.
Later Yet Again
I'm pretty sure if there is a god in this world, he must be trying to kill me. No non-evil god would make me eat cafeteria chicken fingers and Father's cooking in the same day, right? Right?
Later-in the bathroom
Apparently they would.
Later-back at dinner
After what will henceforth be referred to as the Fish Fingers Fiasco, dinner conversation reconvened. Papa and Mattie started speaking French again-Papa never really forgave me for never learning the language, although Father was so happy he let me eat dessert every day for a week and a half. I hate it when they do that, I hate feeling dumb. So does Father, apparently, because he started to tell this "wonderfully amusing" story about the time he and Papa went to Amsterdam and Papa got drunk off of absinthe and went running around in only his boxers before Father found him three hours later passed out in a fountain. I feel like throwing up again at the thought of Papa in his boxers, but at least it shut him and Mattie-Matt, my name is Matt!-MATTIE up again.
Dinner took a turn for the disastrous when Papa decided to even the playing field by giving us the Talk over dinner. Who cares that we had that Talk when we were eleven! And again in eighth grade health class! It makes Father uncomfortable! So he started talking about the importance of using your mouth in foreplay, which freaked me the fuck out because who wants to hear about their parents having sex. Anyway, so I started yelling really loudly so I didn't have to hear anymore, and then Papa yelled at Father about teaching his children body shame, and Father went all red and mumbled something about me not talking back to Papa. So I was stuck with dish duty by myself tonight. I would have flipped Mattie the bird if he hadn't had to endure the rest of the conversation with Papa and Father by himself. Sometimes I pity the dude for being the quiet one.
Later-doing homework
C2H6 + O2 - H2O + CO2
Reading the first act of Oedpius Rex. This shit is messed up.
Mattie came to ask me for help with the precalculus homework-point for me!
...okay, I can't really do it either.
I would kill for a cookie and the newest Batman comic right now.