A/N: Hey all! New two-shot featuring JJ/Hotch. This is written for the Smut Challenge Group on Facebook. I had to use both a candy-heart saying (TEXT ME) and the song U Got It Bad by Usher in some way. So, here it is. Chapter 1 is K+ to T-rated. Chapter 2 (which I hope to post tonight) will be the M-rated chapter. Hope you enjoy and Happy Valentine's Day!
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
Chapter 1:
"And so I told Kevin, if he wants to get back together, I cannot do the marriage thing, like ever!"
JJ absently nodded her head, adding a faint "Uh huh" for good measure. Her focus was totally captivated and not by the conversation provided by her best friend. Her phone in her hands, she was currently having a very intense text conversation. Except the last message she received was over a minute ago; frustrated was what she was, suddenly.
She knew—on some level, at least—that she was being a horrible friend. Garcia had called for an impromptu 'Girl's Night Out' for the sole reason of procuring advice. Too bad her Girl's Night totally conflicted with the SKYPE call she'd already scheduled with her husband for the same night. Instead of disappointing both parties, she'd settled for a text conversation just so she could appease all.
'TEXT ME!' she typed into her phone, impatient for an answer.
"And… what did he say?" she heard Emily ask after a moment's pause.
"He said, and I quote," Garcia began; JJ kept half an ear open. "'That's fine, as long as you dye your hair green, wear a Flash costume to bed, and buy me a pet monkey.'"
JJ gave her phone a bit of a shake, as if that would make the next text come quicker.
Why is he keeping me waiting? she thought hard at her phone. Wait, what? "A pet monkey!" she exclaimed out loud, finally glancing up from the screen.
Emily and Garcia's eyes were both on her. The former looked purely amused, while the latter was a picture of exasperation.
"Welcome back," Garcia stated wryly.
She had the decency to look sheepish. She'd been caught out, after all. "I'm… sorry?"
"JJ!" the blonde analyst complained; the unsaid 'How could you?' hung between them.
Trying out plausible excuses in her mind, she was totally caught off guard when Emily snatched the phone from her hands straight across the table. "Hey!" she protested.
"Sorry, huh? Who exactly have you been texting all night is what I'd like to know?" her other best friend wondered out loud.
She watched a moment as the brunette started to scroll through her messages before realization kicked in: Emily could not see those messages.
JJ tried to take her phone back, but it was then that Garcia decided to dole out her own payback for JJ not listening by blocking her at every turn.
"Penelope…. Emily, ugh… come on," she argued. "Give me back my phone!"
She struggled a moment more, but the look on Emily's face and the surprised gasp told her it was all for a lost cause.
"What, what?" Garcia caught on quickly.
JJ sat back in her chair like a petulant child as Emily shared what she'd found with the technical analyst.
"Oh my," Garcia breathed out. "JJ…" She looked away from the phone to stare at her with wide eyes under her glasses.
"What?" She crossed her arms over her chest, waiting.
"These are totally… sexts," the blonde finished, whispering the last word.
"They are not!"
Emily lifted the phone once again. "'Come home now and I'll let you do that thing with your tongue, you know, where you—'"
"Ok!" JJ practically yelled; this time when she reached for her phone Emily allowed her to take it back. "So what if they are? He's my husband and I haven't seen him in a very long time. And… and… I want him bad!"
She joined her friends in a chuckle at her expense. Ok, so she was being a bad friend. A fact she totally blamed on her husband. Only he would choose Valentine's Day to be away on a very important, top-secret mission.
To be fair, he hadn't exactly chosen to go, and he had no idea it would take a month to sort out.
Still, she was frustrated in every way, including sexually. So, blaming him was all she had at the moment. Thus… if he hadn't taken that secret mission, she would have him here to fulfill her every need; then she wouldn't be the sex-crazy, negligent friend she was currently.
Yep, his fault, she settled easily.
"Aww sweetie, you really do have it bad, don't you?" Garcia gushed.
She smiled, nodding. She so did. Sometimes, when thinking about where she was in life right at this moment, it was unbelievable to her. JJ had everything she'd always wanted: a loving husband, beautiful kids, and great friends.
"I just can't believe Hotch can do that with his tongue," Emily stated incredulously.
"Oh, trust me, he can do that and a whole lot more," JJ said.
"JJ!"
She chuckled. "Hey, if you can't handle the heat, get out of the frying pan... or something."
The girls joined her in a laugh.
"What's this about you and Kevin and marriage?" It was time to get the conversation back on track.
Garcia waved her hand in the air. "It's no big deal. Em helped me figure it out."
JJ threw a raised eyebrow at her brunette friend. "Way to make me look bad," she joked.
Emily shrugged her shoulders. "It's not your fault I'm single, need to live vicariously through you two, and therefore have all the time in the world for solving your problems."
Emily wasn't normally a bitter person but that statement treaded very close to something like it.
"Aww…" JJ rubbed her shoulder, sympathetic to her pain.
Emily had recently broken up with her boyfriend, Clyde Easter. The new Londoner was feeling the sting of it more acutely because it was Valentine's Day, and also because of the 'I told you so's' she'd gotten from everyone who knew her or him.
As far as JJ was concerned, their relationship had been born out of a time of chaos and, therefore, could be nothing but chaotic.
Now, her relationship with a certain six foot one, hulking man of chocolate-y goodness was definitely the opposite.
Emily looked at her knowingly. "No, JJ. Don't start, ok?"
"Oh, come on, you and Derek are perfect for each other," she said.
The former profiler shook her head. "Yeah, sure… except, you know, the part where we live on two different continents…"
"Are you saying you and my sweet aren't grown up enough to maintain a long-distance relationship?" Garcia accused.
"No…" Emily backtracked. "What I'm saying is that I don't even like him in that way; Derek's my friend."
"Uh uh." JJ shook a finger in her face, grinning from ear to ear. "See if I were to believe that you would have said that first. You, my friend, are caught!"
Emily, despite blushing brightly, laughed it off. "Whatever… How did we get on the topic of me when you're the one receiving the scandalous texts?"
JJ sighed, allowing the change of subject. Checking her phone once again, there was still no message. It was going on five minutes now without a response to her vivid description of what she'd do to him if he were home.
"He's probably taking a break, taking down an un-sub or something," Emily assured. "Hotch is amazing, sure, but he can't battle the bad guys and satisfy you at the same time."
"Funny, Em," she added dryly. "This was going to be our first Valentines together as husband and wife. I was looking forward to it, you know…"
"If your texts are anything to go by, trust me, we know," Garcia said.
She slumped her shoulders in resignation. "I'm not the best company tonight, sorry guys."
"No worries, peaches." Garcia hugged her around the shoulders. She released her only after her phone beeped out a text.
JJ watched as she read the text. Penelope's mouth formed an 'O' shape, throwing Emily a quick look, as well, before she masked it all. But, it was too late, she'd already caught it.
"You know what, I think it's time to head home, anyways," Garcia suddenly said.
She narrowed her eyes at her friend, suspicious; they'd only been out for an hour. Why was she cutting their night so short?
"Going to see Kevin?" she asked.
"Eh, we'll see. We've got nothing solid planned. We decided not to do the Valentine thing until we figured out what exactly we are doing."
"I see." She paused, turning to her brunette friend. "Any plans tonight, Em?"
Emily got off her chair reaching for her jacket. "Are you kidding me? Weren't you in on my pity party a few minutes ago, the one where I'm living through you two?"
JJ sat there looking at the two suddenly eager to depart friends. They were all free for the night so why couldn't they stay out together? She voiced that a second later and got some shifty responses:
"You aren't feeling this." Garcia.
"And, maybe I'll go see what Derek's up to." Emily.
"I completely forgot, Kevin and I do have plans." Garcia, again.
She put up a hand to make them stop. "Guys, what's going on?"
As if she weren't watching them, the two women shared a very conspicuous, 'we've got a secret,' look before turning to face her.
"Just go home, JJ, ok," Emily said. No more excuses, apparently, just a direct order. Something was most certainly up.
And, with that, the two women left abruptly, leaving JJ alone at the table.
She stared off at their retreating backs, thinking, What the heck just happened?
Shaking her head from bewilderment, she looked to her phone once again only to be disappointed. Still nothing. So, she sent another text to her husband.
Hey, guess what? I can make the SKYPE call. Give me 20 minutes and I'll be able to log-on. See ya, then! JJ.
JJ was determined to make tonight not a total bust.
Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!
I hope to have the next chapter up tonight (tomorrow at the latest).