I sat quietly in my room, holding my knees against my chest. I took deep breaths and exhaled slowly, I could see my breath as I did so. It was January, it was in the low 20's, and I had turned off the heat, and opened every window in my apartment. It was freezing, but I did nothing to stop it. I wore a tank top and shorts, if anyone saw me, they'd think I was crazy. The reason for this is I hoped... If maybe I was freezing, the pain that was aching so strong in my heart would numb away. I wanted the tears to freeze and never dare fall again. But what could I do? The pain still went on, and the tears just kept falling. What had I done? Losing the most important thing I had in my life? He was gone, and it was my entire fault. It wasn't too long ago, I left him standing out in the cold, leaving his love to dangle there and leaving his roses to die.

December 3

I quietly sat on the bench in the park waiting for Nick to show up. He wanted to see me, since we was going away for 2 months on a college trip, saying it was for his major. I could feel the guiltiness already start to rise in my chest. I hadn't done or said anything yet, but when I did, I knew I would feel even worse than I did now.

"Miley!" I turned my head to see Nick stride over with roses in his hand. I hesitated to stand up as I saw his lips curving to a complete smile. Please don't smile, I thought.

"Hi, Nick." I whispered it hurt to say his name, knowing this might be the last time I would ever say it.

He handed me the flower, "here, for you."

I nodded, "thanks." I didn't smile; neither did I even look at the roses that were in my hands. I could smell the sweet scent; I wanted to hug him... But I couldn't do that to him.

He looked at me and his smile slowly faded, his eyes grew darker, he was worried. "Are you ok?"

I took a deep breath, "this isn't working Nick..."

"What?" he sounded so sad. And his face looked so pale, as if the blood in him had been drained out.

"I... I just don't think this is going to work."

"Is it because of the trip? Miley it isn't permanent; I'll only be gone for-"

I shook my head, "no, it isn't that."

"Then what?" I could tell he was frustrated, but yet, I could still hear the pain.

"I don't love you anymore."

His eyes grew darker than before, almost black, and I could see tears trying to escape, it was so difficult, it was hurting me just to think about how horrible and painful this was for him. "Is there someone else?"

"No, I just don't love you. I don't think I ever did... I don't even deserve you! You have been nothing but loyal to me, and I just think it's all just getting a little too serious and out of hand. I don't think I can handle it." Now, I couldn't read him, he had completely closed up, he didn't look hurt or angry. He didn't even look like he was feeling anything, it was as if my cold harsh words I spoke, combined with the bitter air, had frozen him "I'm sorry Nick." then I tried handing him the flowers, but he kept his hands in his pockets. I sat the flowers on the bench then walked away, trying as hard as I could to not turn back and take it back. But I knew after that, he wouldn't take me back.

January 20; 9:27 pm

I looked in the mirror seeing my lips a light shade of blue. I was killing myself. I shut the windows and turned the heat on, clearly my plan wasn't working. I put on some sweats and looked through my closet for a jacket of some sort. I then felt something in the depths of my closet. I pulled it out to find a worn out book, it was a Leo Tolstoy... I flipped through the pages and found a line highlighted in blue. "'all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way'" I whispered quietly, reading the line and analyzing it. My lips tugged slightly upwards remembering the day I had first met Nick.

April 17; 1:45 pm

I walked into the subway and sat down. I looked around to see a couple talking, a couple of teenagers, an old lady, and others. I loved to ride the tracks and watch the people around me. Being around people always made me happy.

We stopped and some more people walked on. A young man around my age walked on and sat across from me. He looked at me with soft eyes and smiled. Then he put in his head phones then blasted some music on. It was loud enough for me; I couldn't help but mouth the words. He looked at me and smiled.

"You like the killers too?"

I smiled back, "love them."

"What song is your favorite?"

I thought for a second, it was difficult, considering I loved every song, "can't choose, to many good ones."

He nodded, "understandable."

I laughed, "Ya."

He went back to his iPod and I continued to acknowledge the people around me. We stopped a couple more times, a few people walked off, and more came aboard. I watched little kid eat a chocolate bar, getting it all over. I smiled as I remembered being that young, and how hard it was to stay so clean. Then the subway stopped at my stop and I walked off. The man who sat across from me walked off too. I kept walking and he followed, then I reached the public library and walked in, him walking in too. I glanced back but he didn't look back at me, he kept his eyes glued on his iPod. I walked to a section of books and my eyes roamed around searching for something to catch my eyes. I reached a book that looked amusing, as I reached for it; a hand touched the book at the same time. I turned my head and saw the same guy from the subway.

He smiled and pulled out the head phone, "sorry."

"No, I'm sorry."

He laughed, "Leo Tolstoy... Good author."

I smiled, "ya. You like him too?"

"'all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way' good line"

I looked at the man in front of me, what other things did he have in common with me? "Ya, great lie."

He stuck out his hand, "I'm Nick, Nick grey."

I smiled and shook his hand, "Miley Stewart."

"Miley, interesting name."

I nodded, "I know."

"Do you want to go get some coffee with me?" he asked.

I nodded once again, "I'd love to."

We walked to starbucks, which was right around the corner, what luck! We had both forgotten about the book, for now, I'd be back for it. Once we got there we both bought mochichinos, we sat in a booth sitting across from each other. We discussed other things, what we liked, and those kinds of things. We surprisingly had a lot in common. We discussed politics and our future goals.

"This was fun." he said.

I nodded, "it was."

"So I guess I'll see you tomorrow night?"

I gave him a confusing look, "tomorrow night?"

"Ya, our official date?"

I smiled, this guy was full of surprises, "I guess so." I wrote down my address and he said he'd pick me up at 7. We walked two separate ways, him obviously forgetting about the book. I walked back to the library and got the book. On my way home I couldn't help but think about Nick. He was so interesting, just so insightful... He was surely someone I wanted to spend more time with. Luckily, tomorrow I had a date with him, and that was the only thing on my mind for the last 17 hours.

January 20; 10:01

The smile quickly faded at the remembrance of nick. I missed him... A lot... And I wished I still had him. I then got up, forgetting what I was looking for; I ran to my desk and got a paper and pen then started to write across it. Tears fell against the page as I wrote, memories flipping through my mind, emotions running through my heart. It was all too difficult, to remember and to write my feelings. I crumpled up the paper and wiped it to the floor, starting again on a different paper. How was I supposed to write down my mistakes? I knew words couldn't explain my guiltiness, and I knew nothing could possibly mend the gap between us, but I had a slight of hope that this would.

I stood up after an hour, looking on the floor examining the mess I had made. I had gone through 2 notebooks trying to word out everything perfectly. But I knew this paper I held in my hand still wouldn't be enough. I was never good at writing and explaining my feelings. That's why I liked books and listening to music. Those who can word out their feelings, something I wish I could do. It was now 3 in the morning, I slipped into bed grasping the paper, never wanting to let go. As I awoke finding it was 2 in the afternoon. I knew it was time; I grabbed my phone and dialed the all too familiar buttons.

"Hello?" a deep voice on the other line spoke.

"Nick... It's Miley."

"Miley?"

I sighed deeply, "how is the trip...?"

"Um... I didn't go."

The pain ached harder; he didn't go, probably too broken from me. What have I done? "I'm sorry to hear that..."

"Ya..."

"Oh... Um..." what was I supposed to say? "Are you doing anything?"

"no." he said quietly.

"Can we meet somewhere?"

There was a pause, I started to shake, from the fear that he hated me, "ok... Where?"

"Um..." I couldn't say the park, there were too many bad memories, but before I could answer he spoke first.

"How about the park?"

My eyes went wide, the park... "ok..."

I walked slowly towards the park I knew so well. I used to come here every week in December, replaying my mistake. Replaying the moment I left, rethinking my thoughts, trying to figure out how I couldve possibly let him go. I remembered trying not to look back the day I left, but what kind of heart doesn't look back? I had to come back, I had to think it over. There wasn't a way to even try to forget it. I broke a heart, left a scar, created bad memories and shattered the words once spoken between us. I had no right in asking for forgiveness, let alone for his heart. The only thing I could try to do, was give him the letter and hopefully he'll understand how sorry I am, and how regretful I feel. I saw Nick sitting on the bench I once sat on.

"hi..." I whispered.

He looked up from his phone, "hi." he slowly stood up.

I didn't know whether to hug him or to shake his hand, so I kept my arms to my sides, "how are you? With school and everything." I was a couple years older and had graduated 2 years ago; He was in his last year of college.

He nodded, "its good."

We stood there in an awkward silence, I blew into my hands to keep them warm and moist and to try to keep the bitter air away, "so this weather... It's pretty cold huh?"

"Ya... It's been really windy and dull."

I nodded, "it is. So how's the book shop?"

He shrugged, "it's been pretty slow, but besides work I just study a lot... Since I didn't go on the trip I've been doing the makeup work for it."

"Oh, I'm sorry you didn't go."

"It's not your fault," yes it was, "I chose not to go." I could see the pain in his eyes. I could tell he was replaying our last encounter. I wonder if it burned as much as it did for me.

"So how's your family? I haven't seen them in a while."

He nodded, "they're good, my dad just got a promotion to manager and Joe's engaged."

My eyes widened, "no way! That's awesome! To Demi?"

He nodded again, "ya, he proposed a couple weeks ago."

"That's great! I'm glad they're doing well."

"Ya..."

Another awkward silence passed through, but this time it was longer than before. It seemed as of Nick didn't want to know a single thing about my life. Not about my job, family, or even how I've been myself. Nick swayed back and forth, I watched him breathe seeing the foggy air escape his mouth. His nose and ears were bright pink and his cheeks just barely. His hands stayed in his front pockets of his black polyester coat. His scarf wrapped around his neck and was tucked deep into his coat, he wore dark blue jeans and a pair of worn out sneakers. His hair was messed up and a small curl fell in front of his face, he was a regular guy living in a city filled with many other guys like him. Yet he looked as if he had come right out of a magazine.

"Why did you ask to see me Miley? I know it wasn't to 'catch up' I know you better than that. And I know you aren't here to ask me how my life has been. I know you know exactly how it's going; it's been a living hell! So please just tell me why we're really here so I can leave."

His words pierced my heart, I knew I deserved it, and even more I'm sure. I reached in my purse and pulled out a small item wrapped in brown paper. I looked down at it then held it out to Nick. He looked at it and grabbed it, "it's for you. I'm sure you don't really need it, I'm sure you have one, but... I wanted you to have mine. It's not much and I know you won't really want it considering it'll bring you back memories. I've been a fool Nick, and I'm sorry. But what can I do? I can't turn back the clock, that package will explain everything, more likely what it contains, not the package itself..." I didn't know what else to do but to leave. So I turned around, leaving him, yet again, alone in the park, just like I did a month ago. But this time I turned my head and looked back, seeing him opening the paper, revealing my copy of Leo Tolstoy's book. He flipped through it, a piece of paper folded floated to the ground and he picked it up unfolding it. I could feel my heart beat so fast, so fast you could hear the pounding. His eyes darted back and forth. I couldn't bear to watch him so I kept walking. I wanted to know what his thoughts were... But I knew I couldn't turn back around. This was probably my last time I'd walk away from him, leaving him with my memory and my apologies. I knew he had no use for such things, but what else could I possibly do to show him exactly how big of a mistake I made? He had given me all his love once before, and all I did in return, was give him a goodbye. I wasn't worthy of him, and I knew that, but I hoped that he'd understand that my intentions were only to spare the hurt that would have come if I hadn't left the way I did. I did in fact truly love him, but I Thought if I had convinced myself as well as him that I didn't love him, maybe it wouldn't have hurt as much. But I knew that was all a lie and he was the man I loved and always would.

Dear Nick,

I hope you know I did truly love you. I also hope you understand that this letter isn't meant to hurt you, but it's to tell you that I never deserved you, and because I was stupid. I didn't know what I had till you were gone. You made me smile, and you made me feel special. But when the winter came, I realized I only loved you in the fall. I want you to know... I stay up late every night, thinking of what I did, and how I left you standing there. I broke your heart, and left your flowers there to die. I think about the day past when it was your birthday, I still feel awful for not calling. If there was any way we could go back, I'd love you right, the way I was supposed to love you the first time. I wish I could go back to December all the time. But I understand... I understand that you might not forgive me... In other words, if the chain is on your door, I'll understand.

Love you always and forever

-Miley