Learn to Let Go

2404

'The time is 0600.'

The computerized female Kardasi voice repeated itself on loop until Harry called out to silence it. I blinked against the station's artificial atmosphere and looked out at the shadowy outlines of furniture in our darkened quarters. Hearing Harry's intake of breath, I squeezed my eyes shut in preparation for his command to activate the lights.

Instead, he rolled on top of me and kissed me thoroughly.

His straight grey-and-black hair hung down to shoulder length, loosed from the topknot in which he had worn it over the past few years. The ends tickled my collarbone as he painted kisses across my chest.

I groaned at the contact of his lips, and arched into it despite my spoken protest. "You're going to be late for duty, Captain."

He slid his hands under the hem of my shirt. "I don't care."

Thirty-one years of marriage had not quelled my desire for that man in the least. If anything, time had made us stronger. We had both changed, and we had endured stresses that should have torn us apart many times over, yet we survived together.

"Yes you do," I murmured.

He peeled the shirt over my head, tossed it aside, and looked down at me with dark eyes. "You're right; I do. But I always have time for you."

Having no desire whatsoever to resist his advances, I smiled, wrapped my arms around him, and pulled him into a passionate embrace.

2375

I was practically panting when I woke up. Casting my eyes around the darkness, I reassured myself that I was, indeed, in my quarters on Voyager. Just as with the last one, Alixia's vision felt so real while I was in it.

The sound of Harry's deep breathing filtered into my consciousness, grounding me back in the present. We were in bed, sleeping side-by-side. Emotions swelling ever more, I smiled to myself. Someday, we will be happy again. Truly happy.

Turning onto my side, I slid an arm around his strong body and spooned myself against him.

The pace of his breathing suddenly changed, and he murmured, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," I said as I pressed my lips to the back of his neck. "I didn't mean to wake you."

He laced his fingers with mine. "I don't mind. Are you okay?"

I hummed in affirmation as I pulled him even closer, then explained, "I was just having the most wonderful dream. About us."

"Oh?"

"Mmhm." I trailed more kisses along the skin exposed by his undershirt, smiling when I heard his breath quicken in response. "We were us again. Happy. In love." I slid my hand under the hem of his shirt, fingertips skating across his stomach. "Making love early in the morning when we should have been getting ready for duty shifts."

"Mm," he responded softly. "I like the sound of that."

"Yeah?"

Shifting onto his back, he gave me the same bright smile that I had fallen so hard for after just a year working on Voyager together. In that moment, it seemed as irresistible as it had been the night he first asked me to dinner— the night when he first kissed me.

"Yeah," he confirmed. "You know, I was thinking, once we make the jump with the transwarp coils, we'll have a good shot at convincing Captain Janeway to give us some shore leave. And if my calculations are correct, we should end up pretty close to one of the nicer Zahl colonies along the Turei Communications Network. It might be an ideal time for a second honeymoon."

It would be a chance to get away from Voyager, put some distance between myself, Tom, and all of the things that still reminded me of the insurmountable losses we had all suffered in recent months. It was a chance to hit the reset button with Harry, and to rebuild our marriage.

I smiled, grabbed his face, and kissed him. "I love it."

He stroked my cheek. "I love you."

I shook my head. "You shouldn't."

"Yes," he insisted firmly, "I should."

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I whispered, "I love you, too."

After a drawn out moment of silence, he coyly said, "Now about that dream."

I laughed, flipped him onto his back, and did my very best to recapture the happiness I had glimpsed in our distant future.

Personal Log: Stardate 52773.6

Reading through Annika's logs nearly crushed me. I got through it, wrote my report for her record, and found the information B'Elanna had been hinting after. We installed a transwarp coil on each ship and traveled nearly twenty thousand lightyears— fifteen Earth-years closer to home.

After that, I submitted a request for shore leave to the captain. I told her that I needed time away from Voyager to have a real honeymoon with a real planet beneath my feet. Harry was right; given what we accomplished with the transwarp flight, Janeway didn't put up a fight. In fact, she heartily supported it.

With the captain's blessing, Harry and I disappeared on a friendly planet for two weeks, where we could learn to be in love again... and love, we certainly did.

This morning when we returned to Voyager, we were greeted by my dear friend Elentia, who arrived yesterday from the Krenim Commonwealth. She says she is here on important business, but I won't find out what it is until I meet with her and Captain Janeway later. Undoubtedly, it has something to do with the Commonwealth's recent conflict with the Borg.

Which means that shore leave is definitely over.

When I walked into the briefing room, I was unsurprised to see Elentia and her aide at the table with Captain Janeway, Chakotay, Tuvok, Captain Ransom, and Ransom's first officer, Lieutenant Commander Maxwell Burke. What did surprise me, however, was the sight of two empty chairs added to the far end of the table, crowding everyone present.

"Who else is coming?" I asked as I made my way to the open seat beside Tuvok.

"Settle in, Commander," Janeway said. "It's going to be a long meeting." She turned to Elentia. "Minister?"

"Thank you, Captain," my friend replied, dipping her head. "As you all know, several weeks ago— your time— the Borg sent a scout ship through the blue nebula and into Krenim space. Although the vessel was ultimately destroyed, we have reason to believe that the Collective gained more than just intelligence. We believe that the individuals who were assimilated during the incursion have also survived, and are now a part of the Borg Collective."

"How can that be possible," Ransom asked, "if the vessel was lost with all hands and there were no other Borg ships close enough to transport to?"

Elentia nodded. "Allow me to introduce you to the newest allies of the Commonwealth's effort against the Borg—"

At Janeway's command, the tertiary door slid open. I could hardly believe my eyes when Mike Ayala walked in, escorting two people I truly believed that I would never see again.

"—Dr. Riley Frazier and her medic, Orum tr'Khevek, of the Unity One Cooperative."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Janeway said to Mike, dismissing him from the room.

"Ma'am," he answered with a nod before exiting the way he came.

Janeway gestured to the two open seats across from her. "Please, have a seat."

"Thank you, Captain," Riley said as she and Orum took their seats.

They looked just as they had when I last saw them. Riley's blonde wig and elbow-length sleeves covered up any evidence of cybernetic implants still in her body, but Orum couldn't hide his past so easily. The dark ocular implant in his right eye socket made it clear to Ransom and Burke that he and Riley were former Borg drones.

A barely-there southern drawl made Riley's voice slide off her tongue like honey from a down-turned spoon. "It's good to see you again, Commander Chakotay, Commander Eelo."

Chakotay grunted, not bothering to hide his displeasure.

"And it is good to meet you, Captain Ransom and Commander Burke. What great fortune it is that Equinox and Voyager have found each other."

"Yes," Ransom said. "I've read about your community in Voyager's logs, but I can't say I had expected to meet you in person. The Nekrit Expanse is a long way from here."

"It is," Riley agreed, "but our new friends thought it was important to bring us through the underspace network so that we could meet in person."

"To tell us what, exactly?" Chakotay asked. His patience with Riley and her cooperative ran out the moment they wielded their neural transponder against him more than two years prior, and he wasn't about to forgive their transgression.

"As you know, I was assimilated at Wolf 359 by a Borg vessel sent to scout Earth. You also know that vessel was destroyed. The reason I am here today is because the Borg possess a type of transporter technology that I think has become very important for you all to know about— technology that is almost always used to send captured individuals of interest to the Collective across thousands of lightyears so they can be integrated into the hive mind by the nearest queen."

I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better and closed it. How had I never known about that? It had struck me as strange to find two former Borg who had been assimilated at Wolf 359, but for some reason, I never thought to ask how that happened. I had linked my own consciousness with Riley and several other memebers of her cooperative; I should have looked for that answer, but it got crowded out by other concerns.

"What is the range of this technology?" Tuvok asked.

"In the Collective, it was essentially limitless. It sidesteps the matter-conversion process altogether, and records it like data, down to the quantum level. Then, it transmits that data to a receiver, where the matter is reproduced on the other side."

"The Augier Method?" Burke said. I glanced at him to find his dark eyebrows halfway up his forehead. "That's ridiculous. By the twenty-first century, Terran scientists knew that was nothing more than science fiction."

Riley shook her head. "Not for the Borg. As long as there is a neuroelectric signal, there is a way to transmit biological data through subspace as easily as they transmit thoughts through the hive mind. It's how I am alive, and it's why I believe the Borg now have drones from the Hirogen, B'omar, and various Commonwealth species. Anything those people knew is now known to the entire Borg Collective."

"Our involvement in bringing down Annorax and his weapon," I said, giving Elentia a concerned look. "The existence of the Srivani and their cloaking technology—"

"Equinox," Ransom interjected, "and her cloaking technology."

"Minister," Tuvok said, "were any of the Krenim casualties aware of how Krenim temporal technology works?"

Elentia nodded. "Chroniton torpedoes and shields. Queen Nessav has been careful to protect any individuals from the old regime who still know anything more dangerous than that, but considering how widespread the chroniton-based weaponry was, there was simply no way to protect that indefinitely."

"No one is passing blame here, Minister," Janeway reassured her. "But we need to know what they know."

"That's the worst of it, but I have an itemized list that outlines all possible gains the Borg made."

"There is something else," Orum said. Given his silence up until that point, it was a small shock to hear him speak. "After Captain Janeway granted Riley and I limited access to Voyager's mission logs, I reviewed your heist on the Borg sphere. I can't say with absolute certainty that this is the case, but I feel obligated to tell you—" He paused, glancing nervously around the table.

"Go on, Mister Khevek," Janeway prodded.

"Please, Captain, call me Orum."

She smiled slightly and inclined her head. "Alright, Orum. What is it that you found?"

"When your operations officer lost Crewman Hansen's biosignature, it was believed that she had integrated herself with the vessel, as drones often do. While I do think that is what she did, I do not believe she was on that vessel when it self-destructed."

My blood turned to ice, seizing every muscle in its bitter grasp. "What?"

"You think she transported to another Borg ship?" Chakotay asked.

"I do not know for certain," he insisted, "but I can tell you what I know. In the Collective, I was a medical drone. I know what bioscanners see when a drone enters an alcove and integrates with the ship, and I know what it looks like when a body is transmitted through the Borg network. Based on the readings I saw in your ship's log— that's what it looked like."

For a moment, no one said a word.

After letting out a deep breath, Janeway broke the silence. "If she did utilize this teleportation technology, is there a way to track where she might have gone?"

"Not at this juncture, Captain. I apologize."

"But at least now you know it's possible she's out there," Riley added, "and you can keep your ears open for any news. For our part, we will let you know if we hear anything from our work with the Unimatrix Zero rebellion."

"If she's out there," Chakotay said, giving Janeway a sympathetic look, "that's where she'd be."

Janeway nodded. "We'd appreciate anything you can tell us, Dr. Frazier."

"Of course, Captain."

Janeway looked to Elentia. "Was there something else?"

"Ah, yes," Elentia said. She nodded to her aide, who stood and exited the room along with Orum. A moment later, they returned carrying a medium-sized metal box between them and set it on the table.

"What is it?" Chakotay asked.

Riley looked at me when she answered, "The Orb of Peace."

"Are you saying," Tuvok asked, "that this case contains the artifact created by the Prophet who inhabited Lieutenant Commander Eelo at the time of our last meeting?"

"Yes, Commander, it is."

As I stared at the box, a dreadful sense of destiny wrapped itself around my pagh. I licked my lips and took a shaky breath. "W-why did you bring this?"

"The Prophet told us to. He said that we had accomplished what he wanted to help us accomplish— unifying our community and finding peaceful solutions to our conflicts— and now it is time he returned to you."

"I'm sorry," Captain Janeway interjected. "He?"

Riley's voice sounded a bit sheepish. "Well, the Prophet presented himself to us as a Terran man. Is it disrespectful to refer to a Prophet using gendered pronouns?"

"No," I said, unable to tear my eyes away from the box. "Captain Janeway was probably confused because I referred to the Prophet in feminine terms, as that is the default pronoun in most Bajoran dialects. As far as we know, Prophets have no gender."

"I see," Riley said softly. "Well, I can't tell you how much the Prophet has done for us. I honestly didn't think we had any hope for survival, let alone peace, beyond reactivating the link, but he— they proved us wrong."

There was a pause. I could sense the eyes of the room on me, as if waiting for me to speak, but I said nothing.

"Well," Janeway finally said, "I'm glad to hear that, Dr. Frazier. Thank you for coming. I'm sure we'll be in contact."

I was vaguely aware of Riley and Orum being escorted from the room, Ransom and Burke seeing themselves out, and Captain Janeway sending Chakotay to show Elentia to her guest quarters. There was a brief muttered conversation between Tuvok and Janeway before I heard the doors swish open and closed again.

Then, Tuvok's voice. "Might I suggest moving the orb to a different location, Commander?"

"I'm not keeping it in my quarters."

"That was not going to be my suggestion."

"Then where?"

"Mine."

Taking a breath, I finally managed to break whatever spell the wretched thing had cast on me and turned towards Tuvok. "If that's what you want, have at it."

"I did not make the suggestion for my own sake, but for yours. I sense a great deal of distress in you regarding the orb. Your psychological health need not be burdened by the weight of its presence in your quarters. It will not disrupt my life as it would yours."

His words seemed to reverberate in my chest. "You— you sense my distress?"

"That is correct. However, this is not the time, nor the place, to explain how such sense is possible. Suffice it to say that I believe we will all be better served by storing the artifact elsewhere for the time being. Are you amenable to my offer?"

I took a moment to examine his dark eyes, looking for the promise— the reassurance— in them. It was there, just as I expected. A strange sense of calm slipped beneath the dark roots around my pagh, relaxing the stranglehold of destiny just enough for me to breathe again. "Okay. Your quarters." I let out a slow, intentional breath and nodded. "Thank you."

When Tuvok dismissed me from the briefing room, he informed me that Elentia wanted to speak privately and was waiting in her quarters. Since I was, technically, still on leave for the rest of the day, I had nowhere else to be. I went without delay.

Elentia greeted me with a strong embrace the moment I walked in. "I am so unspeakably sorry to hear of your loss, my sister."

My throat clenched and my eyes burned with fresh tears. She never held her feelings back from me anymore— not since I learned she was an empath— but it wasn't nearly the same over a com channel. In person, I could feel them as surely as I could hear her voice when she spoke. There was no doubt how sincerely heartbroken she was for me, and it felt like balm on my still-healing pagh. I tightened my hold and allowed the tears to fall. It was better than holding them back.

After a time, we separated and took seats side-by-side on the couch. She held my hand, knowing how comforting physical affection was for me. "I wanted to see you privately, because there is another matter of importance that has brought me here, but I did not want you to hear it first in the company of your colleagues."

I took a breath and mentally prepared myself for whatever she was about to say. "Okay."

"After receiving word of my brother's work with you, Starfleet Medical contacted him and asked if he would be interested in gaining qualifications to work as a comcounselor so that he might alleviate some of the burden on you. He recently finished his licensure, and has come with me in order to perform intake and beginning work with his clients."

"And one of those clients will be me."

She squeezed my hand. "He didn't say, but I assume so."

"It's obvious. And I certainly need it."

"Yet you feel ambivalent."

I smiled. "It's hard not to be a little territorial after all this time, and all I've been through with these people."

"And?"

I sighed. "And, believe it or not, I'm a miserable client to have. For all my talk about the good of engaging in psychotherapy, I really hate doing the work myself. I'd much rather be the therapist than the client. And, no offense, but I really hate being around telepaths and empaths who counsel. I can't hide from them like I can from most non-telepaths."

"But you seemed to do so well with Sinta the last time he was here."

"I was unusually open to therapy then. I was exhausted by my traumatic symptoms, coming and going for years, and more than ready to move on. But this—" I shook my head and huffed a laugh. "I guess it's time to practice what I preach."

She frowned. "Preach?"

After living among us for so long, Elentia stopped relying on the universal translator to communicate. "Sorry, an old Terran idiom. It refers to a time in Earth's history when religious leaders were commonly known to act against their own moral teachings— they didn't practice what they preached. It means I should do more than just tell others what values and behaviors I think are good. I need to apply them to myself, as well."

She nodded. "I understand. The concept may well be universal; the Zahl have similar sayings, as do the Krenim. It's something many struggle with... myself included."

I smiled. "I'm really glad you're here."

"As am I," she replied, smiling back.

2404

When I opened the eyes of my pagh, and saw that Cardassian space station once more, I wondered if Alixia thought I needed a reminder of where the dreams had left off.

Not that I minded reliving this one.

Harry's straight grey-and-black hair hung down to shoulder length, loosed from the topknot in which he had worn it over the past few years. The ends tickled my collarbone as he painted kisses across my chest.

I groaned at the contact of his lips, and arched into it despite my spoken protest. "You're going to be late for duty, Captain."

He slid his hands under the hem of my shirt. "I don't care."

"Yes you do," I murmured.

He peeled the shirt over my head, tossed it aside, and looked down at me with dark eyes. "You're right; I do. But I always have time for you."

Having no desire whatsoever to resist his advances, I smiled, wrapped my arms around him, and pulled him into a passionate embrace.

The last time I had dreamed this dream, all I remembered was the passion swelling between us as we fused our bodies into one. This time, I was aware of a wholly different layer of truth within our union.

The impending approach of death.

A few light-years away from the station where we lived and I worked, there was a barrier separating the Federation from the Borg. Although the barrier had held for nearly two decades, there was always a possibility that the Borg would find a way to adapt their weapons and break through.

And when they did, Harry's ship would be on the frontline.

He didn't have to say anything out loud, and neither did I. After so many years together, we knew exactly what was being communicated in the love we made that morning. So, we touched and kissed and clung tightly to one another, speaking a language that reached far deeper than our words ever could.

That was how we said good-bye.