The Poison
You were so young And you'll fall down a hole
And I guess I'm old
Open your eyes
I'll keep mine closed
I prefer standing
And you take your seat
I'll be wide away
And you'll fall asleep
That's the one place we both know
You take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't go
I guess sometimes we both loose our minds,
To find a better road
Cas is what fucks Dean up. Everything about him makes Dean's entire being a great big mess. Not that his life's that simple, but he could swear that there was some resemblance of structure before "I'm an angel of the Lord". It used to be take care of Sammy, kill those sons-of-bitches, don't look back, it'll only hurt. Now it's so freaking complicated because when they are fighting and Sam and Cas are not right next to him he doesn't know where to look and it's against everything his father ever taught him. Cas is a distraction. He's so goddamn beautiful and Dean loves him and that's unacceptable but there's no letting go now. Because Cas has jump-started dreams, dreams that doesn't involve taking care of his brother or icing all the monsters. Trivial dreams of finding a better road than this one, of buying a house in a pro-gay-marriage state, of owning and taking and having and waking up with solid and familiar arms around him. Dangerous dreams. Cas is his greatest vice, but he is a taste of something good and Dean is lost.
I can be pensive
You can be so sure
You'll be the poison
You'll be the cure
I'm alone on the journey
I'm alive none the less
And when you do your very worst
Mmmm it feels the best
And you'll fall down a hole
That's the one place we both know
You take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't go
I guess sometimes we both loose our minds,
To find a better road
Dean is Castiel's problem. His perfect, perfect problem, but his problem none the less. He can't think straight around him and almost loses his mind when he's in any kind of danger even though he knows that the Winchester is capable. The issue in this matter is that Dean all his life – his young, frail human life – has been molded, shaped, corrupted by an existence spent in hardship, made a firm and unyielding protector of the weak and the needy, his life at the line for everyone but himself. That Dean doesn't care one bit for Dean is a fact, and the source of all of Cas' torment. Because Dean is everything. He is gentleness and calm comfort, he's the stuff of stardust and the electricity that makes the air come alive. He's the softest flicker of candlelight and the roar of flames and he's the poison rushing through Castiel's borrowed veins as well as the cure for all that ails him. Dean is all in the world that is worth keeping alive, and Castiel will do so until the end of him.
And you'll fall down a hole
That's the one place in this world that we both know
You take me with you if you could
But if you could I'd lose everything
"Cas!"
….
"What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?"
…
"So what, I'm Thelma and you're Louise and we're just gonna hold hands and drive off this cliff together?"
…
"I'll watch over you"
…
"I'm not leaving here without you"
…
"Don't ever change"
…
"I was there. Where were you?"
Can't you see their faces melting as the sun rains from their eyes?
Who are you to keep your head with the hearts that you hang behind?
Look at yourself, look in the mirror, don't you see a lie?
That you tell yourself again a thousand times
And the truth that makes us laugh will make you cry
You wanna die? No?
How is their story so long? How does it always come down to Cas? What kind of epic love story has only sadness and terrible "is this all there is?" whispered in the darkness because they don't dare say it in the harsh light of day. Dean hopes this isn't all. He hopes there can be more and therefore he pretend not to notice the expression on Sam's face when he talks to or about Castiel. A frown, worry lines, a sadness in his brother's eyes as if when he looks at Dean and the angel he sees nothing but tragedy. Like they're bloody Romeo and Juliet. Lancelot and Guinevere. Pocahontas and John Smith. And on the bad days, the one on which Dean wakes up with a shattered heart and a truth that is so sad that it sends him into hysteric fits of laughter (then tears) when he's alone in a small motel bathroom, Dean thinks he's right. There's nothing for him and Cas. The sun and the Heavens are contained in that angel and Dean's nothing but dirt and rot and breakable bones.
Uriel once told Cas that angels feel much stronger than humans because else they wouldn't be able to love their father as much as is required of them. Cas decides that he must then be broken, cus though he is full of endless devotion towards his father and though he feels enough, a tremendous amount of emotions, they are all for Dean. That makes him wrong seen with the eyes of his kindred. He wants to be right so much, he wants to be everything they aspired for him to be. But it's not only God and his siblings anymore. Now it's Dean, and it's him, and though Castiel isn't the first angel who has wanted for a human existence he's surely the one who has longed for it the most forcefully. Perhaps if he was he could then make Dean's smile reach his eyes.
And you'll fall down a hole
That's the one place we both know
You take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't go
I guess sometimes we both loose our minds,
To find a better road
It's like they're flying and falling at the same time whenever they're together. They hold onto each other for dear life and though they know that they might be able to grab onto something and save themselves if they let go, the thought doesn't cross their minds. Because even though they make each other crazy with pain and worry and dizzying happiness, make them lose their minds, Dean is still what grounds Castiel and Castiel is what takes Dean higher than he's ever been.
It hurts so much to let go.