Disclaimer:None of this belongs to me. Neither Jack nor Ianto (sniff), or any other characters mentioned. It all belongs to the BBC. The lyrics in the story aren't mine either (see AN at the bottom) All I'm responsible for is the unfolding plot line later on.
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My story begins just after the events of "Greeks bearing gifts". Jack and Toshiko are sitting near the fountain of the Wales Art centre. They're talking about Mary and the pendant.
Only in my story Tosh's been a bit more precise when describing certain things she d' heard… Most notably, just how very depressed Ianto's thoughts seemed.
While Tosh only mentioned it in passing, Jack still decided to do something about it later on.
Since this hadn't been the first time he d' felt concern for the Welshman's well being. He'd guessed before now that the young archivist may not be coping as well as he was trying to get them to believe… And after all … if there was anyone who knew how hard it was to loose a loved one it was Jack- who had lived for more than two centuries…
But back to the dialogue:
"Jack…something Mary said…probably the only honest thing she ever did say. I asked her why she gave it to me and she said: 'After a while it gets to you...It changes how you see people…'"
Jack put a hand on Tosh's knee, trying to provide some comfort.
"How can I live with it?" She asked. Jack looked at her; the gaze speaking for itself; the eyes reflecting the depth of someone that has lived, loved and suffered more than 200 years…
"There are some things we are not supposed to know" He said.
Toshiko nodded in understanding.
"You got a snapshot- nothing more."
"I don't mean about Gwen and Ianto and Owen, I mean… the whole world…" She broke off.
Jack got to his feet, and looking down at her, softly smoothed back her hair.
Toshiko sniffled; and shook her head as she tried to put herself back together. "It doesn't matter."
Jack cupped her chin for a brief moment; then wiped a stray tear from her cheek; before he turned around and walked away.
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A few minutes later, in the Hub:
"OK guys" Jack shouted through the noise of the cog door closing behind him "I've given Tosh the rest of the night off after all o' that. And I think you should go as well. Gwen, you can finish that rift report tomorrow. Go home to Rhys. - You too Owen, go home!"
As Gwen hurriedly tidied up her desk, she thought how lucky it was Jack hadn't seen her flinch at the mention of Rhys… Her poor boyfriend; waiting for her at home… She really ought to end this thing with Owen…
Gwen was woken out of her reverie by Jack's hand on her shoulder. "Really, PC Cooper, go home."
The sound of a door closing announced Ianto's return from the vaults where he'd been feeding Janet. Owen was just putting on his Jacket. "Come on, Gwen." He said.
At that point Jack fully registered the young Welshman standing in the corner. "Ianto I need a word… In my office…" With that their boss was off up the stairs and into his office.
Turning around, Ianto watched the women and the medic walk towards the exit. The ex- police constable rummaged in her bag for her phone. "Hi Rhys, it's me. I'm calling from work…" Here the conversation broke off as the cog door closed behind them.
Sighing, Ianto slowly made his way up the stairs to the office. He didn't feel like moving. He didn't feel like doing anything.
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And once he reached the far end of the landing; his Ianto- the –butler-smile perfectly in place; he entered Jack's office.
"What can I do for you, sir?"-
"Ianto, drop the 'sir' and your 'butler act' for a moment. We need to talk."
The Welshman's face showed incomprehension as he took a seat on the chair his boss had indicated.
Jack's face was serious, his elbows on the desk top, his hands clasped together. He said nothing.
"S…- Jack…?"
"Listen Ianto, just because the two of us… are having… fun… together every once in a while…"
Ianto vaguely found it intriguing that Captain- always-straight-forward- Harkness was now barely hinting at their present 'purely sexual relationship'.
-"doesn't mean that we cannot be friends…"
Ianto wasn't looking at Jack, but studying his boss' desk instead.
"You must be feeling terrible after…after…Lisa…"
Ianto visibly flinched at the mention of his recently deceased girlfriend.
While he didn't blame Jack or himself for her death, he wasn't over her either.
Jack put his hands down onto the desk before continuing.
"I'm not blaming you for what happened, and I'm not discounting your pain either. Believe me; I understand what it means to grieve… I have-"He took a deep breath. "I've lost many people in my time."
His eyes were fixed on Ianto, but the Welshman was still looking down and refusing to meet his eyes.
"I know how much it can hurt…When you feel that part of you has died with them…When your chest and your stomach are full of rats…and the sadness is eating away at your insides…" Here Jack suddenly broke off. Ianto's eyes had finally found Jack's face, as he 'heard his own thoughts quoted back to him.
Their eyes locked for a moment and then Jack got up from behind his desk and came to stand behind the chair the young Welshman was currently sitting in. Then he softly placed a hand on Ianto's shoulder and so motioned the archivist to stand up. Ianto let himself be lead over to the new sofa that their Captain had recently acquired for his office.
As the two men sat down, Jack put an arm around the Ianto's shoulder in comfort.
Ianto took a deep breath; then started to edge way. "Don't worry, sir…it's…"
The young man didn't get to finish his sentence and he didn't manage to get up and away either, because Jack was holding on to him tightly.
The older man had a feeling that Ianto had been about to say 'Don't worry, sir, It's OK, I'm fine, really'- but oh no; he wouldn't let the archivist off that easily. Still holding the Welshman close with his right arm, he went on. "It's OK, Ianto…it's good to show the feelings. It's alright; no, it's necessary to get better…we have to grieve…to let the feelings go…"
A heavy sigh escaped the young man as he finally gave in to Jack and put his head on the other man's shoulder.
"Shhh…it's OK, Ianto…shh…I'm here…I'm here…just let go and tell me what you feel…share…you don't have to go through all this alone…" With this the older man softly placed a kiss on top of the younger man's head. Tears were threatening to spill now and he buried his face deeper in Jacks shoulder.
"I miss her so much, Jack." Ianto whispered between sobs.
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go?
"I feel as if I've died too, in a way…"
Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold, when I'm tired
"I feel like an empty shell… Doing my job, talking to people…but I'm not really here…"
There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night?
How will I rest my head?
"It's so hard to go to bed at night… All the memories come flooding back…I go home knowing I won't be able to sleep…"
Oh, I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
"Shhh…" Jack was smoothing down Ianto's hair.
"I'm scared…that once I let go… I'm always gonna feel this way… It's as if I'm drowning…"
There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I d' go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head
So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyse in light
It's OK, Ianto. I'm here for you. I'm here to talk, here to listen… Here to hold you and help you though this.
And Godsend I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed
Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
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Jack got up and pulled Ianto along with him. The older man led him down into his living quarters and made him sit onto his bed.
That done, the Captain poured a glass of water from a bottle he kept next to the mattress. He handed the liquid over to Ianto who gladly took a few sips.
Then Jack sat himself down onto the sheets beside the Welshman and continued to hold him while softly muttering comforting nonsense…
After a while Ianto finally fell asleep, the older man's arms still around him.
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Early the next morning Ianto was woken up by Jack, who was climbing down the latter in to the sleeping quarters; while also balancing two mugs containing steaming liquid.
"Morning, sleepy head" Jack greeted as he handed the young man a mug of freshly brewed tea. "There you go. Sorry its tea, but I figured I better keep my hands off… your…tools…" Jack winked.
A smile spread over the young man's face at the other's attempted joke/innuendo (?).
Ianto took the drink his superior was handing him, while the latter continued: "Under the condition that I get a cup of your best coffee later on… No one does a better coffee than you do…"
The Welshman took a sip of the scalding hot liquid before replying "Yeah, sure…" And then; as if as an afterthought, he added: "Thanks Jack"
The Captain just looked at him and smiled his charming smile in return.
"Like I said, I'm always there, if you need me, Ianto."
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AN:This is my first Janto fic. For some reason I've been putting it off, writing these two together…dunno why, maybe I was worried I couldn't do them justice? Never mind.
How this came about:
Well, I'm currently going through some grief myself, though not quite the kind Ianto's faced with.
Coincidentally one day, when I was feeling sad, I was also watching "Greeks bearing gifts". There's a scene where Tosh overhears Ianto thinking: "Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. The pain's so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt." I thought the 'rats in the stomach' were quite fitting sometimes. What I feel fluctuates daily; I've gone from denial to bargaining and now hover between never-ending-sadness and anger…
So, essentially, this is me describing what I feel sometimes, and what Jack says to Ianto is what I would like to hear from someone…if that makes any sense…
Furthermore, I've deliberately kept it non-sexual, despite what might be going on in the background; because it would've been just wrong otherwise; like taking advantage of someone… Not being able to distinguish between sexuality and nurturing just shouts 'Co-dependence' and I've had enough of that for the rest of my life.
The song I've used:Most avid TW followers are familiar with it anyway. "Hope there's someone" by Antony & The Johnsons. I first heard it in 'Random shoes'and thought it expressed my feelings quite well, in a way. I was listening to it when I wrote the story... and I guess it must've kind of snuck into it..^^
Let me know how you liked the fic... Please review *puppy dog eyes*
Also, I've recently had an idea while re-watching S1/13 'Captain Jack Harkness'. The scene where Jack and 'the Captain' dance and then kiss almost had me in tears… despite the fact that Janto is my otp in TW. And well…since I adore the advice Jack gives the Captain, when he tells him to 'live every moment fully'… I got this fixed idea into my head that someone(meaning me lol) ought to give those two at least 'one night' together… what do you think??
Please let me know!!
I appreciate it.
Xxx
Jem