She had always loved reading, it gave her an opportunity to broaden her mind, to learn, or to escape. The desolate expanse of Hueco Mundo could get tedious, so she found reading to be an enjoyable past time.
Hollows weren't known for being the brightest scholars, so the odds of finding any books here were pretty much slim to none. She generally relied on Ichigo and Urahara to supply her craving for words, whenever they would check in.
Reading about human culture was fascinating to her, their history, the way they would fight and love, build and destroy, work and play. The memories of her past life were a haze, as were the ones on the society she used to inhabit.
It was like once she was reborn as an Arrancar, that was all she knew. Reading was a way that she could connect and envision what kind of life she used to live.
Then again, her memories as an Espada were foggy as well, so it wasn't like she had the greatest track record in recollection.
While she loved a good story, it was philosophy that captivated her so. People trying to find explanations for life, values and wisdom was something she could relate to. She hoped that maybe she too, could find some measure of purpose through it. She was always open to a different perspective.
Of course, when reading different points of view, one was likely to eventually find something they failed to agree with. Whether morally, or she just knew it to be demonstrably untrue; Nel found that reading other people's musings that she disagreed with could actually be beneficial, even if it was just to reaffirm her own beliefs.
Today however, she had read something which had truly troubled her. Out of a book with three hundred pages, it was one line that refused to leave her. A book detailing human and animal nature, had speculated and theorised on certain aspects of their thoughts and motivations. The theory in question, more or less stated that an individual's future actions, beliefs, feelings and behaviours would all be shaped by their environment.
A line deeper into the book transferred this thinking towards animals: 'A wild beast is enslaved to the environment which conceived it, and in turn, consumes its environment in an effort to gain some form of catharsis.'
One line, just one line that the author probably didn't put much thought or effort into researching, and only kept it because they thought it sounded eloquent. Yet, it still lingered with her, still rattled around in her head all day like a mantra.
She didn't believe it, not fully, but there was a truth to the words that struck a chord with her. It was mainly down to certain company she kept, that the entire theory held any weight at all.
If she applied it to the beings that lurked in Hueco Mundo, she would have a hard time disproving it. Hollows are a product of their environment alright, and this environment was one of conflict, and brutality. Where life cannot grow and strength is the only currency worth having, that was the place they called home.
But there was growth to be found in them, she knew it, she had seen it. When Nel and her partner returned from battle, certain Hollows had rallied to see the new Queen of Hueco Mundo freed from her chains, much to Grimmjow's chagrin. And as soon as Harribel had declared herself the new ruler, those same Hollows immediately started to make repairs on the devastated remains of Las Noches.
If that didn't speak to some form of change, she didn't know what would. If it were Aizen still ruling, Nel couldn't see that many Hollows getting to work in a hurry, of their own volition anyway. Though maybe it was just because Harribel would provide a more stable environment to inhabit, if that was the case, ulterior motives weren't exactly growth.
As for the remaining "Espada" themselves, Nel was still surprised by how much they all seemed to need each other, even now. Whether for a certain sense of idle companionship, or deeper emotional bonds had formed... she wasn't entirely sure.
The way Harribel would look at her intently and speak warmly during conversations, was quite a far cry from the Espada who had replaced her. Harribel's Fracciones never seemed to stray too far from their mistress, and it was a rare sight if Nel caught one of them on their own. Almost like siblings, the three of them were inseparable.
Then there was Grimmjow, who had gone from challenging, cursing and trying to push her away at every chance he got, to holding her close at night. Affectionate wasn't exactly the first word she would use to describe him, but he had his moments, particularly when it was just the two of them.
All of this signified something more than mere amity due to circumstances.
She wasn't certain if Arrancar like them were supposed to feel this close to each other, Aizen certainly didn't encourage it from what she could remember. Then again, with monsters like Nnoitra among them, it could have been that she just now had better company, worthy of attachment and care.
As much of an ass as Grimmjow could be, she would be genuinely devastated if anything happened to him. There weren't many people she was willing to jump into literal poison for, after all.
Speaking of her partner however, it was his company that sparked this obsession which had been plaguing her all day, his company which gave the damned theory any credence.
While she may have come to care for him, she could not deny Grimmjow's very being. The old Nature vs Nurture debate was hard to pinpoint when it came to him, a violent person created in a violent world for the sole purpose of destruction.
From the outside, it appeared like he only acted in self interest. Yet, she now knew him to be deeper than that, it was subtle and hard to pick up on, but it was there. He spent a lot of time on his own, overlooking the sands of Hueco Mundo, contemplating. About what, she could only guess, he had a hard time expressing himself in general, preferring action to words.
That was why she took extra note of his gestures. How clingy he could get when they lay together, how he silently demanded her attention when she was in the middle of something else, and even the simple fact that he now used her name, which might not seem like the most endearing notion, but it was definitely an improvement from being simply labelled: 'woman', 'brat' or 'bitch'.
He was quite the romantic.
Despite his tenderness towards her however, she knew that in the deepest parts of him lay a beast with an unquenchable thirst for combat. While not inherently bad, Grimmjow took his love for battle to sadistic and malicious extremes.
Like the hypocrite she was though, she happened to find his aggressiveness exciting. She liked his fire, his unpredictability and spontaneity, it attracted her like a moth to a light. He differed from Nnoitra though, where that sick bastard massacred out of self-contempt, Grimmjow had sort of a... twisted sense of honor, which he had showcased during his battle with Ichigo.
His passion could be overwhelming at times and it made her overlook his more vicious side, as well as the fact that he seemed to have genuinely calmed down in recent months. Did these changes mark him permanently turning over a new leaf, or was it only a matter of time until he was back to his bestial ways?
She didn't know, she was conflicted on the entire issue and Grimmjow was at the epicentre of her inner turmoil. Talking to him was the only way she would find any clarity, and quell the voices in her head.
"You put too much stock into the words of books, they're all good in theory, but I don't think any of them took beings like us into the equation." Grimmjow said, after Nel had finished explaining everything.
Stepping through the vast, lifeless expanse of Hueco Mundo, they walked side by side. Grimmjow, with his hands in his pockets, silently listened while Nel outlined what she had read and why it perturbed her.
"So, you honestly believe 'beings like us' can change then?" She asked.
"Have to believe, we won't survive otherwise." Grimmjow said, with an uncharacteristic smile.
"Weren't you the one who told me that 'you can't change something's nature?' It's not like you to be optimistic."
"See, I'm already proving my point." He grinned.
"By contradicting your earlier statement."
"Still counts." He shrugged.
Nel raised an eyebrow at him. While she was shocked, and somewhat relieved to hear him have such an upbeat outlook for a change, she also knew him to be contrary, simply for the sake of annoying her.
"Grimmjow, I am warning you, I am in no mood to be toyed with today. Do you actually believe in what you are saying?"
The blue-haired Arrancar rolled his eyes. "As fun as it is to fuck with you; yes Nel, I do think we are better than the bullshit description you recited by some pompous prick whose only experience with animals, probably came from when he got bit by one as a child."
"But, we are animals Grimmjow, shells of whatever former lives we used to lead. We consume, and produce nothing." She said solemnly.
"We came from human souls, we're not animals, especially us Arrancar." He said firmly, while gesturing to their bipedal bodies.
"The book is based on humans as well." She reminded him.
"What's gotten into you?" Grimmjow scowled and spun her around to face him, he wasn't used to having to be the genuine, hopeful voice of reason.
"We are not animals, we have conscious intelligence, something that separates us from other mindless beasts; we can build, create. Now, I don't really know shit about infrastructure, economics or culture, or any of the other crap you always bring up when you talk about how great humans are. I'm sure you and Harribel can do the heavy lifting on those fronts, if you're so desperate for them."
She was surprised that he was countering her arguments in such a detailed manner, it was rather unnerving.
She never thought Grimmjow was dumb, straightforward; yes, but never stupid. He was always clever when it came to battle, she just never thought his intellect extended to other areas, specifically to what her and Harribel conversed about most often.
Nel bit her lip as she considered one way she could put this hypothesis to bed. If she really wanted to get some peace of mind, she was going to have to test Grimmjow. To see if he would snap and regress, or keep his composure. It was the only thing she could think of to reassure herself.
Besides, if he did become agitated with her, she could think of several ways to make it up to him.
"You once told me that you ate your own kind, they let you devour and feed on them, like a cannibal." She mumbled while avoiding his gaze.
Grimmjow flinched at her words as if they had physically cut him, and Nel instantly felt a sharp sting of regret.
"I did that to survive." He said lowly.
"You're always going to have that though, that urge to destroy, it's in your nature. From the moment you were born, the first thing you tried to do was attack Aizen. Those impulses can't leave you anymore than you can leave us."
"You really want to test that?" Grimmjow sneered. "You don't know the first thing about me, and right now you're trying my patience."
She recognised that tone, it was the same one he used when he was first trying to push her away, when his walls were up and he refused to let anyone in.
"Look around you, take in our history. You were made to destroy, and when you went up against the Quincies, that's exactly what you did, even at the expense of your own life. Harribel was made in the aspect of sacrifice, is it any coincidence that she was the one who was captured, while we got away?"
"We got away because we're strong, not because of any predetermined shit." He frowned.
"Okay, okay, let's say you're right, we were created by Aizen in an aspect of death. I was destruction, Ulquiorra was emptiness, Barragan was aging, you were... whatever the fuck. If this really was all his 'divine plan', do you not think it loses some of its credibility, seeing as how he's currently wrapped up in bondage, deep under the Soul Society?" He continued.
"Aizen's fate doesn't change what we are." Nel said calmly.
Grimmjow groaned and put his head in his hands. This woman could be as stubborn as he was, more so when she thought she was right, which was just about all of the time.
Normally the issues she rattled off to him with a supreme sense of smugness were so inconsequential to him, that he either grunted in acknowledgement, or cut her off with a fight or a kiss, whichever he happened to be in the mood for.
This time though, he was confronted with the reality that if he didn't do something to convince her, Nel would likely be in a miserable mood for the next few days. That was something he could do without, she was the only one here he somewhat enjoyed spending time with.
Nel looked over to him with and tried to conceal her smile. He was doing so well, she could see his frustrations and anger bubbling under the surface, but he was containing it.
Just one last twist of the knife, so she could dismiss this asinine theory forever.
"I shouldn't hold it against you, it's not your fault you're a monster who lacks empathy." She said coolly.
"What did you just say to me?" He asked in stunned disbelief.
"Beings like us possess reason again, we should have justified reasons to fight, but you don't. You do it simply for your sadistic gratification!" Nel frowned.
Grimmjow growled and marched over to her. He attempted to grab her, however Nel ducked from his grasp and shoved him away. Not content with leaving it at that, Grimmjow pounced and tackled her to the ground. Nel struggled against his grip, however he held on to her wrists firmly.
Nel was briefly reminded of the little scuffle they had a few months ago and how she was the one who came out on top. Had he been secretly getting stronger without her noticing, or was he just hurt enough that he wasn't holding back anymore.
"Get off." She hissed.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" He snarled through gritted teeth.
Nel looked up to see Grimmjow's fervent stare which demanded an answer from her, his face mere inches from hers. She defiantly met his furious gaze for a few moments before flinching under its intensity. Seeing her avoid his eyes, Grimmjow grunted and got off of her, she looked at his angry expression and sighed in disappointment.
"I don't want anything from you. I'm just putting everything into perspective and it all seems a bit futile." Nel said, after standing back up and brushing some sand off her.
"It's like, we can't ascend to anything more than what we are now. I wanted to see if you could disprove this theory by showing me that you'd changed. Looking at you now, full of indignation and rage, I'm starting to think that maybe the book is right. You were doing so well until you just snapped at the last minute."
Grimmjow had had enough, if she wanted to feel sorry for herself, that was her business, she didn't have to berate him, or treat him like some kind of experiment. He ran his hands through his hair, then got right back up in her face. This time, Nel didn't even attempt to evade him.
"Fuck you, fuck your superiority complex and fuck your book! You can sit here and wallow in your own shortcomings, I'm done with you lecturing me about some bullshit theory you've resigned yourself to." He growled.
There was that fire she loved, but if she didn't calm him down right now, his temper could very well burn them both. It was getting to the point where she suspected that he would soon abandon logical argument for feral actions.
"I'm not resigned-" She started calmly, however Grimmjow was clearly finished listening and stepped back.
"And don't you fucking dare judge me with that tone you bitch, you don't know what the fuck I've been through."
"No, I do, trust me, I do!" Nel tried sympathetically, in an effort to placate him. "I didn't mean to upset you."
"No, of course not. You just wanted to try and antagonise me so you can feel better about yourself. You know, I fucking hate when you do this shit! Judging others and strutting around as if you're so fucking perfect."
"I never said I was perfect, I'm just trying to get some clarity..." Her voice trailed off and she lowered her head.
"Aw you know what, fuck this. I've had just about enough of you for today." Grimmjow spat after a few moments of silence.
"You can't escape from yourself, Grimmjow." She quietly called out to his back.
"Watch me." He muttered and walked out to the desolate expanse of Hueco Mundo.
Nel looked up at his retreating form and stared as it faded out of view. Her hands were shaking, they hadn't properly fought like that in ages. She didn't have the heart to go after him, knowing that he was completely right about her. She had said awful things to him, just so she could satisfy her own curiosity.
Not only that, it wasn't like she had been treating him great for the past few months either. His calmness meant that for once, she didn't have a justified reason to ridicule or mock him. Even when she wasn't doing that, she had been spending less time with him than before.
She had chalked it up to simply needing a break from him, however it wasn't like she told him this before she more or less started to shun him. She had acted selfish towards him and was only now paying the price. She never even considered that he would ever leave them, he had become such a constant in her life ever since she had healed him all those years ago.
It wasn't uncommon for Grimmjow to go off on his own, she just hoped that he would come back to her this time.
He couldn't concentrate on anything.
Her and her fucking books, she constantly loved to tell him all about the stories that she would read. Some would interest him, most wouldn't. Did she really trust the words on paper more than him?
Where was he even going? He stopped for a minute to look around, just to confirm that his surroundings were still as vast and lifeless as ever.
There was a simplicity to life that Grimmjow liked in Hueco Mundo, old-fashioned fighting: swords, fists, claws and teeth. Animals tearing at each other like it was a jungle. Evolution wasn't a concern he ever experienced... well, not anymore.
He wasn't an animal, he knew that.
She wanted to judge him for his past, as if she had been there.
He wasn't a monster, he was sure of it.
She wanted to act as if she was so superior to him.
Well, fuck her.
He knew how to survive, that was what he was good at. In the same way Nel had dragged herself away from where Nnoitra left her to die, he ate those who would follow him and he didn't have a single regret about it either.
He spent enough of his days remembering his sins, he didn't plan on repenting for them too. He did what he had to in order to survive, that was what he told himself over and over again.
Grimmjow thought back and wondered if her newfound worries actually had anything to do with the former Fifth Espada. If there was one thing that could turn her mood like this, it would be Nnoitra, that prick had left marks on both of them. But while they both may have scars, Nel's pain ran deeper than flesh.
There were nights when she would cry out in her sleep, as if her child form was having a nightmare. There wasn't a damn thing he could do about it either, except hold her close while she shook, like an addict having withdrawals. She didn't want to talk about it whenever he would bring it up, and he didn't press the issue. He hated it though, that feeling of powerlessness, of being unable to help.
Is that what she was worried about, that he was going to end up like Nnoitra? Couldn't be, she knew him better than that.
Right?
Grimmjow growled to himself, this self-doubt crap was starting to get annoying, and definitely something he could do without.
He wasn't going to regress to whatever Nnoitra was. He didn't massacre out of a sense of inadequacy, his principles, loose as they were, as well as his pride, wouldn't allow it.
That asshole took a cheap shot at him while he was dealing with Kurosaki. The thought of doing that to any opponent was sickening- well unless they were more powerful and wouldn't fight him fairly, in that case, a good impaling from behind was in order. Speaking of which, could Nel really see Nnoitra going to war for Hueco Mundo when the Quincies invaded?
No, she had to know that he was better than him, better than a monster. Through all the bullshit, bloodshed and barbs, their intimacy had to count for something.
Grimmjow breathed out slowly and tried to calm down again. His head was aching, thoughts racing and muddled, constantly questioning himself. He felt exhausted.
This woman was going to be the death of him.
If it wasn't him specifically, then it might be Hueco Mundo on a larger scale that she had an issue with. Maybe the lack of change really bothered her to such an extent that it was becoming unbearable. He couldn't deny that some days could get monotonous around here, and it wasn't like Hollows were going to change dramatically anytime soon.
Time was something Grimmjow had never really considered before. He had managed to find some semblance of peace within himself, and his home. He now took life a day at a time and didn't concern himself with any grand aspirations.
Becoming King at this point just seemed... pointless. While he may have taken umbrage with Harribel instantly taking charge, he was now pretty indifferent to the whole thing. He was satisfied with the current chain of command because while Harribel may have the final call, there was still far more input and power sharing between the three of them than there had ever been with Aizen.
Perhaps he had gotten so used to being dominant here that he didn't want things to change.
Nel had used the word 'futile', something he never expected to hear leave her mouth. She was supposed to be the vibrant one, he was the skeptical, smart mouth and Harribel was their solemn leader. The thought of her becoming more jaded was fairly depressing, and it looked to be longer than just the next few days.
While he happened to like her more serious side, he didn't want it at the cost of her happiness. He wasn't sure he could handle seeing her resolve start to gradually decline. Their home had a tendency to grind people down, he just figured Nel would be past it by now.
The worst part of this whole thing was that he had absolutely no idea how to alleviate her worries. He tried to reason with her earlier but it didn't seem to do much. Even in the event that she had opened up to him in the past about her nightmares, would he even have said anything to console her?
Could he? Or was he really just 'a monster who lacks empathy'?
Grimmjow looked up at that moment to see a lone Hollow in the distance. It was small, just a little runt crawling around in the sands. It appeared to be a scavenger, gathering whatever it could and offering nothing of value. Is this what she meant when she said they couldn't ascend, that they would always just be insignificant creatures writhing about in the dirt?
Grimmjow slowly started to creep towards it, he could still move completely silent when he was on the hunt, a skill he had taken great pleasure in perfecting.
The instant the Hollow realised that it was being stalked, it tried to escape. However it was too late, Grimmjow was on it and dug his claws into its neck. It was so pathetic that it couldn't do anything except squeal in pain and fear.
Grimmjow scrutinised his prey as Nel's words echoed in his head.
Where was the challenge or fun in killing such a helpless creature? She said he had an urge to destroy, while that may or may not be true, it didn't equate to him killing indiscriminately.
Grimmjow dropped the Hollow in disgust, it was only when he saw it flee, that the haze cleared and he finally realised how screwed up Nel's perception of him was. All of that time spent, and this was still all she saw him as.
Nothing but a violent, destructive animal.
Nel sat in his room, on the edge of the bed they shared. She had passed Harribel on the way, who seemed to notice that she was visibly upset. Harribel reassured her that Grimmjow would always return to her, as she was the one thing in this world that he might actually care for more than himself.
At that moment, Nel didn't feel particularly deserving of that honor.
Feeling his presence wander through the halls of Hueco Mundo, Nel stood up and braced herself. He was likely still fuming, though she was hopeful that his couple of hours alone had taken the edge off.
He came in and didn't look surprised to see her, just exasperated.
"Glad to get that out of your system?" She scoffed as she looked at him.
Nel took in his violent frame, hands covered in blood. That was his preferred method, while he had a Zanpakutou, she imagined he just enjoyed getting his hands dirty.
She knew she should just leave it. She knew she shouldn't be making smart comments. She knew and yet she still did, why? Well because that was her nature, wasn't it? Her curiosity pushed her to poke and prod the beast, even while she knew he was rightly furious at her.
"Fuck you." His voice was distant, not specifically directed at her.
However it was his facial expression that concerned her most. He had this... numb look on his face, he was staring right at her, but it was more like he was looking through her.
She was now worried that her obsession and curiosity had wrecked the closest relationship she had with anyone.
"Grimmjow, you alright?" She asked.
His eyes finally focused on her, they had been through so much and he could still barely read her. He was so sure that she thought more of him, and having that expectation crushed was something he was still processing.
"Is that really all you see me as, just some dumb animal who kills for pleasure?"
He spoke so quietly, the hurt in his voice was palpable. It was enough to make her want close the distance between them and hug him. There was something so vulnerable about him now that she had never seen before.
"Of course I don't, Grimmjow. You know I-" She started softly.
"Or maybe, a prideful warrior with a love of battle. Or am I just stuck somewhere in the middle?" His voice was beginning to rise again. That split second of vulnerability was giving way to his anger once more.
"Stop." She pleaded, and to her relief, he did.
"You know I think more of you than that, I shouldn't have said what I said because it's simply not true. You've shown me over the past few years that you are worth caring for. I wouldn't give you this much of me if I didn't..." They shared the briefest of looks before she carried on. "Now you're even questioning yourself, which means that my thinking has infected you as well. I don't think I'm better than you, I can't."
He looked at her curiously, her sentences were becoming scrambled just like his earlier thoughts.
"I'm starting to realise I've got my own flaws, and I've done little to fix them. I've been treating you like dirt for the past few months, and while I would normally say that you deserve it, that's not the case here. I'm sorry, for everything. I just... can't get this theory out of my head, it's like an itch that I can't scratch and I don't know what to do. Is this it, is this really all there is for us?" He could hear her voice start to crack.
Grimmjow turned away from her to absorb her apology. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly, if he was going to try and console her, now was the time where he needed to pull out all the stops. When the hell had he gotten so soft, he wondered.
"You know, there was a part of me that wanted to look for you, after you vanished and Harribel replaced you. I wasn't sure if you were dead or if you left us because you had enough of the bloodshed. It stung for a while, but I eventually got over it."
He turned back to face her, however Nel dared not to make eye contact with him, lest she look into his pale, blue eyes and break completely. Instead she stared at his chest, straightened out the creases in his jacket and fixed up his collar.
"I got over it the same way I got over everyone else around me dying. Those Hollows offering themselves to me, you disappearing, the Shinigami killing my crew, and then the rest of the Espada too. Not a single fucking regret about any of it. I'm a survivor Nel, that's all I've ever been, I can't change simply because I don't know any other way to live."
"Now, maybe you're right and we really can't change or evolve, I'll always have those self-destructive tendencies, that's true. But, I can't give in to them, not completely. If I do that, then I really am nothing more than a mindless beast, the same kind that did this, to you."
Grimmjow moved the hair covering her fringe, revealing the long scar that trailed down to her nose. He then brought her chin up to face him and wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb.
"While I may never be that, if I'm being honest with you, without that fire, those urges, I don't even know what I am."
"I know you are far more than your instincts and urges, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez. In fact today, you just might be the most intelligent being in Hueco Mundo." Nel's voice was heavy with emotion.
"Ain't that a scary thought?" He chuckled.
"No, it isn't. I think it's just about all the evidence I need." Nel tried to give a weak grin but couldn't hold it together.
She buried her head into his chest while he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He could feel her tears wet his chest, but he didn't mind. Yeah, he had definitely gotten soft, but in a place this empty and hostile, that somehow didn't seem like an insult.
Nel parted from the hug and looked up at him with a bright new smile adorning her features.
"So, what next then?" He asked.
"I think... we're done surviving, now we get to live."
"That actually sounds pretty good to me." Grimmjow said as he returned her smile.
They closed their eyes and gently nuzzled their foreheads together.
Grimmjow opened an eye when he felt a hand on his chest. He looked to see Nel give him a sly grin as she slowly pulled down the zipper on his jumpsuit. With a low chuckle, he lifted her up and carried her over to their bed while she placed kisses all over his face.
She had noticed recently that sex between them hadn't been the same as it was in the beginning, it was still great but in a different, more fulfilling way.
Perhaps because it was initially done out of boredom and a tension that had been brewing between them. Grimmjow had to remind her of their past, before her injuries, yet she was still cautious with him. Her memories had been blurry and he was the only being like her around. He had managed to win her over twice, which was no small feat in itself.
Now their lovemaking was intimate, sensual, done out of genuine emotion. Maybe that spoke to something about their home as well. If their relationship could evolve into something that meaningful, maybe an environment could change over time as well. It wasn't like time was something they were lacking for after all.
She could ponder and theorise later, she was tired of words, for now she just wanted Grimmjow. Even if their home would never change, she was quite content in having him by her side, through whatever changes, or lack thereof, the future held.