Northern Fortress Training Video

By P.T. Piranha

(Setting: Northern Fortress, several years before the game begins. Corrin, Felicia and Flora are children. Jakob is in his early teens.)

Deep in the Northern Fortress, a young man named Jakob sat by the fireplace, reading a book. He looked up and greeted an unknown individual.

"Ah. Welcome. Well if you're hearing this, then let me be the first to say congratulations! You've recently been coerced- I mean hired by King Garon to work in the Northern Fortress. And this is your first official day of training."

A young girl with pale hair in the style of a ponytail perked up. "Yay! My name's Felicia! Do I get to be a maid for Lady Corrin now?"

"Oh my no, you've got a lot to learn before you're ready to serve Lady Corrin."

Felicia frowned. "But my sister-"

"Already has experience in this field." Jakob interrupted. "Now. As you can see by this graph-"

A very young Elise standing behind Jakob held up a stuffed giraffe. Jakob sighed. "I said 'graph'."

"Oh…" Elise hung her head. Jakob pulled out a graph.

"As you can see by this graph, you have been employed in one of the most important fortresses in all of Nohr. But it didn't get that way overnight." Jakob paused. "Well actually it did. Still not entirely sure where His Majesty found Lady Corrin."

Jakob finally stood.

"No, the story of the Northern Fortress is the story of one man's quest for glory, perseverance, vision, determination, and inability to say 'no' to women." Jakob then held aloft a portrait of Garon and his many concubines. "Mostly his inability to say 'no' to women."

From Humble Beginnings

Jakob's voice narrated over a scene of Garon's royal procession going through the streets of Windmire. "You may think that King Garon, ruler of our land, has always been the inexplicable ladies' man that he is today."

When Garon's procession stopped, several women began to group around the king.

"And you would be correct." Jakob continued.

Cut to Garon sitting on his throne, head resting on his fist, a dead look in his eyes. Jakob continued his narration.

"After his concubines killed each other, Garon stayed secluded in a deep depression that seemed endless. But then his luck changed when he repurposed an abandoned Nohrian fortress, and with a few minor alterations, the Northern Fortress became home to Garon's newest child!"

Cut to a scene in the fortress. Garon was rubbing his temples while toddler Corrin was bawling her eyes out.

"Aaaaugh! This child is broken!" Garon groaned in discomfort. "Gunter, get me my whip!"

Cut back to Jakob sitting in his chair by the fireplace. "This must sound like a lot of-"

"HOOPLA!" interrupted the small Elise. Jakob sighed.

"It sounds like a lot of-"

"HOOPLA!"

"… It-"

"HOOPLA!"

Jakob scowled, grabbed Elise by the collar and carried her into the hall, before locking the door. He then turned back to face Felicia.

"It must sound like a lot of hoopla to make, over what is essentially being a babysitter, right? Hahaha- WRONG." Jakob's scowl returned.

The Northern Fortress Today

Jakob narrated a scene of several workers buzzing about the fortress. "To keep up with Lady Corrin's rigorous training, no expense has been spared to acquire all the latest advancements in childcare technology."

Gunter stood before a weapons rack, hands folded behind his back. He nodded and proceeded to speak. "That right there is an advanced Neck-Chopping Stick. Good for intruders."

Gunter gestured toward the axe. He continued. "Right next to it is the Sword-on-a-Stick, which loses to the Neck-Chopping Stick in the Weapon Triangle. Right next to that is the Make Things Happen Book."

A younger Leo walked up to the weapons rack and tried to grab the tome, only for Gunter to step in the way. "Don't touch."

"Aww…"

Gunter continued mislabeling the weapons. "The next weapon is a Star-Shaped Baby Knife, imported. And most importantly…" Gunter walked off and shortly came back with a training dummy. The dummy had a crude drawing of Garon's face on it. "You have your state-of-the-art Therapy Victim." Gunter glared. "Now get out, I have some therapy to see to."

Jakob took over, directing Felicia out of the armory. "All this modernization appears overwhelming, does it not?"

Felicia shook her head. "No, I was always good at figh-"

"Well deal with it, you're a servant to Lady Corrin now." Jakob dismissed. Felicia wore a look of confusion.

Suddenly, Felicia was standing next to her twin sister, said sister already holding a broom and sweeping a hallway. Jakob began narrating.

"But surely if modernization is the heart and soul of the Northern Fortress, then caretakers are the liver and gallbladder. Let's see if you have what it takes."

Jakob walked up to Felicia and began inspecting her with a magnifying lens. The pale-haired girl gulped.

"Hmm… Poised, perky, and a smile that says 'hello world, let me clean that mess in the corner'." Jakob appraised. Felicia let out a sigh of relief. "You've got the attitude of a good maid, but for every team player, there's always one spoilsport."

Jakob and Felicia both looked over to Flora, lost in thoughts as she swept. Jakob began to appraise her.

"Inattentive, disinterested, a vague sorrow in her face. Look carefully at this drawing I found under her pillow."

Jakob held a poorly drawn picture of a sad Flora and Felicia being stuck atop a tower, away from a bunch of snow and a sad snowman.

"H-hey, that's mine!" Flora cried.

Jakob shook his head. "And it just screams 'I really wish I weren't here right now.' Unacceptable." Jakob tucked the drawing into his back pocket. "There are names for these sorts of servants. But for now, let's just call them… Floras."

Flora frowned and shouted into another room. "Mr. Gunter, Jakob's being mean to me!"

"CAN'T HEAR YOU, TOO BUSY THERAPY-ING… THERAPEUT-ING… THERA… CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Gunter's voice echoed. Flora's frown deepened.

Training

"Does this mean I get to serve Lady Corrin now?" Felicia excitedly asked. Jakob shook his head.

"No, no. You can't serve Lady Corrin without understanding the term, C.R.U.D."

"C-crud?" Felicia asked.

"Yes, C.R.U.D. Once you understand this term, you will better know your place at the Northern Fortress, serving Lady Corrin."

Corrin Requires Undying Devotion

Felicia's eyes lit up. "Ohhh! C.R.U.D.!"

"Yes, now you see it." Jakob nodded.

The scene changed to Corrin sitting on the floor, trying not to cry as a piece of glass from a broken vase was in her foot. Flora walked up to her, holding something behind her back.

Jakob's voice was heard. "Here is a typical day serving Lady Corrin. What will Flora do? Well if we remember C.R.U.D., it should be easy to answer. What do you think she will present to Lady Corrin?"

Felicia's voice was also audible. "Umm…"

A – A dagger
B - Another crude drawing
C - A healing staff

Flora whipped out a Heal staff and waved it over Corrin's foot. The glass shard popped out as the small wound regenerated. Corrin gasped in joy and got up to hug Flora. "Thank you!"

Jakob spoke again. "Ah, C.R.U.D., you never steer us wrong." Jakob and Felicia walked onto the scene, while Flora was still receiving Corrin's bear hug.

"Please help me. She won't let go."

Jakob ignored her. "Now that you understand C.R.U.D., I bet you think you're ready to serve Lady Corrin."

"Yeah!" Felicia cheered. She marched over to Corrin, but Jakob grabbed her collar on the way. Felicia kept walking in place, unaware of her lack of progress.

"Not so fast. First we must discuss…"

Personal Hygiene

Jakob and Felicia stood before a washroom.

"The staff at the Northern Fortress must comply with a strict set of personal hygiene guidelines. Well Felicia, are you ready to prepare for your day?"

Felicia nodded. She ran into the washroom and began to wash her hands. Jakob poked his head in.

"A good maid always washes her hands thoroughly. Be sure to get under your fingernails. And don't forget your knuckles! And make sure your palms are spotless! … All right, let me see."

Felicia ran over to Jakob, her hands raw from too much rubbing. The young butler smiled.

"Ah, already suffering for your liege. Off to a good start. Yes, after making sure your clothes are neat and tidy and your cap is on straight," Felicia noticed her hat was crooked. She quickly adjusted it, but winced as her raw hand made contact, "then it appears you are ready to begin your day."

"Hehe!"

Jakob looked over his shoulder. "Now let us see how Flora prepares for her day."

Cut to Flora longingly gazing out the window and sighing. Jakob's voice was audible again. "Remember, no one wants to be a Flora."

The blue-haired girl looked over. "Hey!"

"Am I ready to serve Lady Corrin now?" Felicia asked.

Jakob smiled and put a hand on Felicia's shoulder. "… No. We still have a few more topics to discuss."

Your Work Station

"I have a work station?" asked the pink-haired girl. Jakob nodded.

"Indeed. This entire fortress is your work station. You must keep this fortress tidy and free of any messes, while tending to Lady Corrin. But to make that vision a reality, you'll need to multitask. A good maid always keeps her schedule well-organized."

Felicia's eyes lit up again. "Ooh! Ooh! I've got it! I'll clean right now!" Felicia pulled out a broom and began sweeping. But her movements were harsh and erratic. The broom flew out of her hands and knocked a vase off its pedestal, shattering it. "Awww…"

"I've got it…" Flora droned, sweeping the vase bits into a dustpan. Jakob turned to Felicia.

"Now that this room has been tidied, thanks to your sister, perhaps you think you may serve Lady Corrin."

Felicia nodded. "Bark, bark!"

"… What?"

"She means 'yes'." Flora said, not looking up from her task.

"Well. First you must learn about-"

Interfacing With Your Boss

Corrin sat at her desk, reading a heavy book. "The Hero-King, Chapter One… Once upon a time-"

Felicia tried kicking the door open, but ended up just shoving her foot through the door. "Oops… Hi, Lady Corrin!"

Corrin looked over. "Oh, hi Felicia!"

"Felicia!" Gunter's voice scolded. "Corrin is studying right now! And is this the fourth door you've broken?"

Jakob's voice narrated as Corrin walked up to Flora. "We go from behind-the-scenes interactions, to the front lines. Here, we examine the most important aspect of the industry, service."

Corrin turned around and spotted Jakob behind a pedestal. "Who are you talking to, Jakob?"

"Shhh, I'm training the new girl's sister."

"Oh." Corrin turned back around and saw Flora reading a book. "Hi Flora! Jakob's being funny."

Flora did not look up from her book. "That's nice, Lady Corrin."

"Oh, that reminds me! Can Silas take me to see bugs?"

"Lady Corrin, you're not allowed to leave the fortress."

"Oh…" Corrin's head sunk and she started to sniffle.

"L-lady Corrin?" Flora asked, finally looking up from her book. Corrin started walking away.

"No, don't worry about it. I'll just be here… forever… never getting to see all the things Silas gets to see… forever…" Corrin's voice was wavering.

Flora frowned. From behind the pedestal, Jakob turned back to Felicia. "We'll check in on them later. Right now, we must discuss… emergency situations."

Emergency Situations

Felicia was carrying a stack of plates, as Jakob narrated. "Like the hidden treasures of any other fortress, so too does the Northern Fortress contain something valuable. We must be ready in case rogues wish to assassinate Lady Corrin. Or worse…"

A reddish blur zoomed past Felicia, making her drop all the plates. She gasped. "We've got trouble!"

The blur kept whizzing through the castle until Gunter, reclining in a chair outside Corrin's room, stuck his leg out. The intruder tripped, halted completely.

"Ouch!"

Gunter picked up the intruder by her collar. It was none other than the Secret Seller, Anna.

"Hi there! Could I interest the lady of this fortress in some expensive jewelry?"

The scene cut to Gunter carrying Anna out the front door. "What? She's a royal, I'm sure she can pay for it!" Gunter promptly threw her into a snow pile. "Whooooa!"

Jakob narrated again. "And so, another emergency is avoided, thanks to our resident overpowered crutch unit Gunter."

Gunter smiled at no one in particular. "War and I go way back."

"Um, yes…" Jakob's voice drifted. "Let's see how Flora is doing."

"… And when Silas finds a pretty girl and marries her, he'll be married. But I won't. I'll be here. Alone." Corrin was still pouting in front of Flora.

Jakob poked his head out from behind the pedestal. "Psst. Flora. Remember: C.R.U.D."

Flora rolled her eyes and started speaking under her breath. "Service with a smile, service with a smile, service with a smile…" She put on a smile and walked over to Corrin. "Lady Corrin, could you maybe ask Silas to bring some bugs on his next visit to the fortress?"

Corrin gasped. "Hey! That's a good idea! Thanks, Flora!" Corrin hugged her and ran off. "Gunter, Gunter! When can Silas come back again?"

Flora wiped her brow. "Phew-"

"Aaah, my foot! Waah!" Corrin's shriek echoed through the halls.

Flora put a palm to her face. Jakob walked up and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hang in there Flora, it's all part of the job."

Jakob and Felicia were back in the room with the fireplace, as the butler cleared his throat. "Now that you've learned the basics of your training, it's time for the moment you've been waiting for."

Felicia gasped. "You mean-!"

Jakob nodded. "That's right. It is time for you to serve Lady Corrin. At the center of every great dynasty is the crown jewel, which keeps it alive and thriving. Our jewel is Lady Corrin, and you will keep her home neat and tidy."

"Yay!"

"And now you, the humble Ice Tribe prisone- servant, will follow in the footsteps of Gunter and I. Are you ready?"

"Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" Felicia nodded like crazy.

"Are you sure?"

"Uh-huh! Uh-huh!" Felicia nodded so much that her cap fell off.

"Very well." Jakob supplied a teacup, already filled with tea. "Oh Lady Corrin, could you please come in now?"

Corrin walked in. "Okay!"

Jakob gave the cup to Felicia. "Okay. Give her a drink for the first time."

Felicia nodded. "Right!"

Felicia walked toward Corrin and tripped, pouring the hot tea on the princess.

Author's Notes:

So I just randomly had this idea the other day, a version of the Krusty Krab Training Video. Only instead, it'd be about serving Corrin at the Northern Fortress. Lately, Corrin's servants have been some of my favorite characters.

Felicia would always be the eager trainee while Flora would be the un-favored, jaded employee. Jakob wasn't always planned to be the instructor, and even after I decided to include him, he was originally just a disembodied voice. I once had a plan for Lilith to show up, but there wasn't a place for her.

The timeline is that Corrin's been in Northern Fortress for maybe three years now. She's still a child, as are the maids and Leo. I always envisioned Jakob as being somewhat older, so he's in his early teens. Elise is a toddler or just out of the toddler stage of childhood.

This was based off the episode of Spongebob, but I still wanted to put my own spin on it, more than just changing names and words. For instance, Felicia is the eager trainee, but she's still canonically incompetent at being a maid. If I say so myself, this came out rather well. And for some reason, a lot of people are mixing Fire Emblem Fates with Spongebob. Well I'm not one to miss out on a good reference to vintage Spongebob.

And for some reason there's a running gag of children being sad or disappointed. Funny or adorable, take your pick. Or some third option.