The knock was tentative, quiet…almost as if the knocker was afraid of being heard. Almost as if he or she didn't want the door answered after all. Perhaps the timid knock was a hope that whoever was on the other side of the door wouldn't have to face the person he or she was beckoning.
But Jimmy heard it all the same. He was too busy not sleeping anyway to miss any tiny noise in the hotel that night. He would have liked to have sounded profound and said he was lost in thought but he was as busy trying to elude thought as sleep was busy trying to elude him.
It had been a confusing and frustrating few days and he had never longed for Teaspoon's confoundingly crazy words of wisdom or his sweat lodge as much as he did lying in that hotel room at Fort Kearney all alone with the darkness and Elias' final nod to him to keep him company.
The tap came once more and Jimmy decided that, timidity of the knocker aside, he should answer it. He grabbed one of his Colts as he headed for the door but didn't think he'd need it. Anyone looking to do him harm wouldn't be so cautious.
Opening the door he was greeted with the red rimmed eyes of Lou.
"Hey Jimmy," she said shyly, much more shyly than he'd ever known her to speak to him. "I didn't wake you, did I?"
"Knocking that light?" he asked casually. "I don't think you could wake anyone with that. I was awake."
"That's good," she said looking at her feet and then down the hall and finally at her hands. "I wouldn't want to wake you. You ain't had much sleep the last few days…if you was sleeping…I wouldn't want to disturb you."
"Well, we already established that I wasn't sleeping so you didn't disturb me," he retorted with annoyance starting to creep into his voice. "Did you need something, Lou?"
"To talk…if it ain't a trouble," she said softly. "I just wanted to talk."
He stepped back opening the door wider to allow her in and gestured to a chair near a small table in the room before plopping himself onto the bed.
"This time with Elias got me thinking," she began hesitantly. "I think maybe it got you thinking too."
He allowed only a nod and clenched his jaw muscles tighter. He really didn't want to talk about Elias with Lou. It hadn't gone well the last time he opened up and he needed what happened before to not happen again. He'd have a chat with Teaspoon for sure but he did not want to have this talk with Lou.
"That don't have to be your path you know," she said. "You can choose something different. And…and even if the world don't ever see you the way you want 'em to…it don't mean that someone won't. You can't go making choices for someone else. Maybe Caroline was better off but maybe she wasn't. Maybe she always pined for Elias. And maybe Laura was better off not knowing but maybe she needed to know who her daddy was…that he was a man who never meant for the bad things in his life to happen and tried to live right…I'm just saying that none of us knows for sure and you shouldn't make decisions like that for other people."
"You driving at something specific here, Lou?" Jimmy asked, not even bothering to mask his annoyance. "Because it's late and I'm not much up for riddles tonight."
"Me, Jimmy," she replied plainly as if that answered a single thing.
"You what, Lou?"
"I could…I could be the one who sees the man you really are," she told him. "I wasn't sure how I felt at first. The kiss happened so sudden and I told myself it was you who kissed me…but it wasn't, was it? I kissed you…I never kiss you goodnight. I don't know what possessed me to right then. I thought maybe it was because I saw how you was hurting and maybe that I could be there for you as a friend and then…well, then I realized it ain't just your friendship I want, Jimmy. I want all of you."
"You ain't talking sense, Lou," Jimmy growled. "Go on back to your room. We're leaving in the morning and Kid's going to need some looking after."
"I know…and I want to see he's well," she stated. "I do…I just don't feel for him like…well, like I do for you. I'm trying to tell you…I love you, Jimmy. Do you understand me? I love you."
"No, you don't," he insisted. "You love Kid. I could see it when he came back to us. I could see it when Elias died. You turned to him…not me. And that's as it should be, Lou. It can't work for us. It can't be."
"Because people judge you and it'll put me in danger if I'm with you? Sounds like you're trying to make my choices for me. I get a say, Jimmy. You can't decide what's safe for me."
"But I can decide what's best for me," he countered. "Or don't I have that right, Lou? What's best for me is to forget certain things and love you as a friend…maybe like you're one of my sisters."
"By the fire…that ain't how you kiss a sister."
"No, it ain't," he admitted dragging a hand over his face and getting up from the bed to pace. He always thought better if he could pace a bit and he needed to think on his words right then. "I won't lie, Lou. You're a beautiful woman and being close to you can make a man get all kinds of ideas but you can't confuse how a man's body reacts to being close to a pretty girl for anything but what it is. I was upset and you said things I wanted to hear and you looked damned pretty in the firelight too. That's it."
"That don't have to be it, Jimmy," she argued. "It don't. I felt something when you kissed me. I know you did too. I ain't saying it'll be easy to break the news to Kid but we ain't back together. He'll find someone else. I can be there for you. I can handle myself and I can be the woman you need."
"No you can't."
"Jimmy…I don't want to see you live your life alone like Elias…not when there's someone who loves you…someone who will take you and all that goes with you."
"You're unbelievable, you know that?" he ranted at her. "You come in here just assuming…Lou…I ain't against having someone in my life. I'd like to think that could happen. Maybe it could. Emma said it could and you have. I try to be a good man and maybe someday that part wins. But when…or if…I find a woman and decide to stay with her…maybe get married or whatever…I need to be in love with her."
Lou started and leaned back in her chair like she'd be struck.
"What did you say?"
"All your thoughts of saving me from loneliness are sweet Lou but…you came in assuming that the only thing keeping us apart was your say so. I ain't in love with you, Lou. I might be making choices for you but I don't want you living out your days with a man who ain't in love with you…and it ain't just you I'm thinking of. Maybe I think I deserve to be in love too."
"Jimmy…by the fire…the way you looked at me…"
"I told you…you looked beautiful standing there. I ain't Cody…I don't declare my love to every woman who's pretty to me. I care for you. I will always care for you. And, it might be shameful to admit but by the fire, I wanted you something fierce. I wouldn't've stopped without you stopping me or us being interrupted like we were."
"I don't understand."
"Ain't much to understand, Lou," he told her. "We went through something powerful. We got confused. I won't lie, I want you like any man would…and I need you in my life…you're special to me, Lou. But I'm not in love with you. I'm not going to be. It just ain't happening."
Tears were sliding openly down Lou's cheeks.
"The man down the hall is in love with you like I don't think I've ever seen a man in love with a woman," Jimmy went on. "And I think…if you let this all set a bit, you'll find what you really feel for him too. One way or the other."
"I should…I should go," Lou said trying to hurry out of the room to hide her humiliation. That wasn't what Jimmy was going for. He just didn't want her pinning her affections on a man who didn't return them.
"Lou," he said catching her arm. "It's okay. Kind of flattering even that a woman like you would have any want of a man like me. Come here."
He pulled her gently into a hug.
"You're scared and you're hurting and you're reaching out to the only one who knows what that feels like right now. It's alright. You don't need to go running from me…now or ever. Okay?"
She nodded against him and wiped at her eyes with her fingers.
"I think a part of me will always love you, Jimmy."
With that, she was gone and Jimmy was alone again and more tired than before. He laid back down thinking that maybe now he could get Elias' quiet resignation to his fate out of his mind. They'd head back tomorrow and be home in a few days. He could think on things more and maybe talk to Teaspoon.
Maybe he could change his course. Maybe it wouldn't be him on that gallows twenty years down the road. Maybe he'd find that woman who would put up with him and all that came with him. Maybe a lot of things but the only thing that wasn't a maybe was whether or not he should get some shut eye.
So this bunny hit a little while ago as my husband was playing some Jim Steinman on his guitar. Automatically I knew it applied to Lou and Jimmy...but who was professing love and who was getting shot down? Well, the bunny was a little schizophrenic for a while and argued with itself but finally it hit the whos in the story and the when as well. I know the missing scenes from this are plentiful and range from Lou returning to Kid and knowing he is her home to Lou professing her love to Jimmy and now...this. It's just a theory of what might've happened. Just a thought. So...yeah...that's it...now I have to go back to researching some things about US involvement in Vietnam in 1967...or something like that...I am so flipping sick of war and riots and crap like that.-J
Two Out of Three Ain't Bad – Meatloaf (Jim Steinman)
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do
Is keep on telling you
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But-there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Cause)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coup de Ville
Hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
I want you (I want you)
I need you (I need you)
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad (Don't be sad)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad (Don't)
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere