High school wasn't at all what I expected it to be. I was told my entire life that it was going to be the best times of my life. That it was going to be amazing, four years that I would never forget. Oh sure, I'll never forget these years but I wish I could. I wish I could wake up and this nightmare to be over. I wish I could take a gun to my head and just die, but I can't. I'm stuck in hell and there seems to be no way out.
I'm still not exactly sure where it all went wrong, maybe I never will. The year started off well, I had an easy semester. I had both of my electives which were drama and technology along with French and geography. Kenny and Kyle were in most of my courses and during that time I started to become closer friends with a kid named Leonard, Craig and Clyde. During lunch Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Butters and I would hang out at the park behind the school and just hang out and talk to one another. Sometimes Wendy would join a long with us and at the end of lunch we would run into the forest hand in hand and make out in the forest. You would think I would be on top of the world, but in reality I was bleeding underneath. Before you think I am some sort of ungrateful bastard who doesn't know how lucky he is. I know I am blessed; I have a roof over my head, food and all that shit. I get it, but even those who are fortunate have problems too.
The beginning of my problems started in grade 6 I guess. Growing up in South Park my life has been rather messed up. I've gone through some crazy bullshit from aliens, cynicism, dance battles, my Dad having new dreams have five minutes, to even being sucked into a God damn computer because of Facebook and defeating myself in Yahtzee. Yeah it's been a pretty fucked up ride but it's all part of growing up in South Park!
Well in grade 6 something sort of ticked in me I guess. I was so tired of everything, and I do mean everything. I was sick of how smart Kyle is and feeling like at times I am just second best too him. To Cartman being such a racist asshole all the fucking time. I was sick of how guilty I feel whenever I go to Kenny's house. I was sick of my Dad's crazy antics and always being his toy in every single one of them. I was sick of being my sister's punching bag. I was paranoid that Wendy would ditch me for Token because he started to get really "hot" with age and every girl was all over him. I was worried she would leave me again for him. I mean she's done it before so why not now? She's so beautiful she can have anyone in the world, why the fuck was she with me?
All those thoughts broke me. I don't know what happened but I began cutting one day in grade 6. I remember that day very well. It was the middle of January, so there was plenty of snow. I was in my usual outfit of blue jeans, black converse, brown jacket and red poof ball hat. I was home alone that night, Shelley was at a party with her friends and my parents were at a party at Mr. Garrison's house. I was on my bed leaning against the wall. My legs cradled in my arms as I cried my eyes out. I was like a petty teenage girl in a soap opera. I hate to admit I was doing that that night. If Cartman ever found out he would rip the fuck out of me. I don't know what got into me; my mind went completely blank as I pulled out my red Swiss Army pocketknife from my jean pocket. The blade seemed to almost smile at me. I slipped off my brown jacket exposing my green Terrance and Phillip shirt I was wearing underneath and my bare wrists. And then it just happened, and it felt amazing. It made me feel so alive it was so reliving. That and I felt like I almost deserved this. "God damn it Stan." I whispered to myself when I was finished. I got up to go to the bathroom to wash off my knife in the bathroom sink. That night I promised to myself that I would never cut again. Experimentation is okay but I did not want to become a cutter.
The only problem is I didn't stop. At first I would only do it every now and then but then it grew to a few times a week to pretty much every damn day. I didn't stop at my wrists either I began to progress to my thighs, my hip and my stomach. My body is covered with billions of little scars. Each one represents a story and a reason why. Throughout all these years I never told. Not a single soul, not even Kyle. I never take off my sweater not even during our very short summers. Luckily I live in a very cold area where there is snow even during Halloween so no one really can suspect much. It's the perfect town for people like me.
So back to my grade 9 year, Wendy was the first one to leave my life. It was during Christmastime the last day of school before holiday break in fact. Everyone was skipping their classes and roamed free from classroom to classroom. I went to Wendy's math class to give her the Christmas gift I bought for her. It was a Mockingjay pin from the series The Hunger Games that Wendy just adored. She always talked about it to me non-stop and could not wait until the movie came out. I already planned to take her opening day of it. I was going to buy tickets in advance and everything. When I arrived in her math room Wendy was in the back of the room along with her friends Bebe, Heidi, Millie, Red and Annie. They were all in her class together, they were the popular girls. The crème de la crème the girls the guys all wanted. That was another reason why I didn't get why Wendy would want me, she could have just about any guy possible. I mean age really treated her well, she had a perfect slim body, a smile that could be warming and sexy at the same time, lovely and I should also mention rare violet eyes and long black hair that never had a bad day. Any guy would be insane not to want her.
When I walked up to them Millie gave off a small giggle awkwardly. She never could keep a straight face, and Bebe gave Wendy a look of concern. Almost as if they were having some sort of girl-bond conversation with their eyes. Bebe became a total whore this year, her boobs are the biggest of any other girls and her Victoria Secret bras in her see-through tops, low-cut shirts and crop tops never let anyone forget that fact. She wears tight clothes and way too much fucking mascara. She's plastic like Barbie but she's still Wendy's best friend so I always had to have some respect for her.
"Uh Stan, can I talk to you?" Wendy asked me with a flash of worry and dread in her eyes. A sinking feeling filled up my heart and I began to grow sick to my stomach, and it wasn't from the smell of the Juicy perfume these girls are wearing too much of. I knew that something was wrong, something that was just beginning.
I can't really remember much else of what happened next. Wendy explained some sort of bullshit speech that she had obviously prepared with Bebe before hand and talked about she feels as if we are two different people in two different worlds now. Pretty well meaning that she thinks she's too good for me. The conversation ended with the two of us exchanging our Christmas…farewell…presents. She got me the book It's Kind of a Funny Story. A book about a kid who attempted suicide, it's still a pretty amazing book regardless. The last thing she gave me was a kiss on the lips; I didn't enjoy it that time though. By then I was really falling apart.
I went back to my friends pretending like I didn't give a fuck about Wendy breaking up with me. Kenny and Cartman were pretty supportive about my made up story.
"She was a dumb bitch anyways." Cartman replied. Cartman and Wendy had been enemies since I can remember. She even beat the shit out of him once; of course Cartman gets really pissed off if anyone mentions that.
"Yeah Bebe is the true score." Kenny said dreamily, he's always been a huge pervert. Some things never do change.
Kyle knew how I was feeling though; we've been close for so long he knows when I'm breaking. Even when I am hiding it the best I possibly can. That night he came over to my house and offered me support. "Dude you don't need her, you deserve so much better. A girl that will actually treat you right." He told me with a pat on the back. We spent the rest of the evening eating nachos and watching Wipeout on TV, people getting bitch-slapped by various obstacles never really does get old. When he went home that night I cut so much that I began to get light-headed from the loss of blood. The shower after that hurt like hell but it felt amazing at the same time. After Christmas on New Year's Eve I saw her at Stark's Pond holding hands with the popular boy Carl. Son of a bitch, he better treat her right. I guess I saw it coming; Carl is a pretty-boy. He looks a lot like Harry Styles from that insanely popular boy band One Direction.
Kenny was the one who left my life next in February. Kenny has always been the partier type and it didn't surprise me that he would start hanging with a becoming a druggy. It started first with weed in December. That didn't faze us much I mean most kids smoke weed in high school. Personally it's not my thing but I know Kenny will grow out of it eventually. Then he started getting into ecstasy and cocaine and drinking. Kenny usually came to class during the last few weeks of first semester hung over from the night before. Kyle and I started to get concerned about him but Kenny is a stubborn one.
During a party at the end of exams for first semester Kenny went to a party at Bebe's house along with his stoner friends, one of them is Carl. I can't blame him; he doesn't know how much I am hurting because of Wendy. That night he finally scored, he lost his virginity to Bebe. His main goal finally came true.
Pretty soon Kenny started hanging out with us less and less and started hanging out with his partier friends more. Pretty soon he completely left the group. Kenny did belong with them. He is a good looking guy with long dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. He is easy-going and he is up to just about anything. His parents are drunks and could care less what he does with his life so he is always free to do whatever the fuck he wants. Frankly he is better off with them than us. He would get bored if he stayed.
Cartman was pretty devastated with the loss of Kenny; he was the closest to him out of all of us. Cartman would never admit that though, no way he is much too proud. "Dude fuck Kenny he's poor." He muttered eyeing Kenny from across the Cafeteria. It was second semester by that time. I had a pretty hard one, gym in the morning which of course sucks ass when you're hardly awake at all, followed by science, math and then finally English. Cartman was in my gym class with me and he always would bitch and moan about how much it sucked.
The thing that destroyed my group however though was Kyle. It was the end of the semester when things started to fall apart. The two of us had been pretty hot and cold throughout that year having a lot of fights here and there about the stupidest shit ever. It was like petty ass girls. At the end of the year Cartman, Butters and I were supposed to go to their family cottage with them. Cartman, Butters and I were extremely excited about going. I was hoping it was going to be like old times again of course it will never be the same without Kenny but maybe it would be pretty close. We found out the day before by email that the cottage was canceled by his Mother. Cartman and Butters were extremely pissed.
"Dude fuck Kyle! He totally jewed out on us," Cartman ranted pissed off on the phone that night.
The three of us hung out the next day but things were extremely awkward. We were in Cartman's basement playing Xbox together when we all got a text message from Kyle. It was so strange; they all said the same thing.
Hey guys,
Please try to refrain from contacting me this summer because I won't answer. I'm taking a break. Hope you have an amazing summer. See you next year!
And that was it, I texted him back kind of raging at him I guess. I mean I was pissed, like my best friend pretty well told me that he didn't want anything to do with me for two months. No that's just wrong, best friends don't take breaks. And they sure as fuck don't text that to one another. I told him not to bother coming back next year because he wasn't a true friend.
Cartman and Butters and I stopped talking after that. They just kind of disappeared too; meanwhile the cutting for me began to gradually get worse and worse. I was officially a lone in the world and I wanted to die. So I found the gun my Dad owned just in case of intruders in the garage. From all of my experience of all the crazy shit my friends and I had done over the years I knew how to load up a pistol right away. My hands were shaking throughout the whole thing, flashbacks of all the good times my friends and I had. "You're my super best friend too Kyle." The words slip out of my mouth remembering the time Kyle and I stopped being friends briefly because he joined a cult I didn't agree with. I had to save him from joining in a mass suicide. I suddenly want to call him but reality suddenly kicks in, I can't.
I lift the gun to the side of my head the bullet would blow my brains out in a matter of seconds. The pain could be over in just a push down on the trigger. My eyes closed ready for what was coming up next. I was ready to die I was sick of the depression, the sadness and the hurt. My hand froze then, I couldn't fucking do it. I was too much of a pussy. My Mom walked into the garage right at that moment however before I had a chance to put the gun down though and started to freak out. That was when the truth of the cutting had to be told.
My Mom couldn't stop crying as I showed her my scars. "My baby, my beautiful boy." She kept on whispering her voice trembling. I felt terrible for her; she doesn't deserve a son like me. Mom deserves a child who appreciates everything she has done for him. We were seated at the kitchen table at that time, Mom, Dad and I. They sent Shelley to the mall with 50 bucks to spend. It was insanely quiet in the house all I could hear was the ticking of the clock in our living room. The silence wasn't comfortable it made me very scared about what was going to happen because of what I have done to myself.
"Stan, you do realize that we're going to have to get you help right?" My Dad asked me suddenly serious. His expression was so different than the normal childish self that he usually is. It made me feel cold inside.
The only thing I could ask was where. I didn't know what was going to happen to me.
"I don't know Stan, we're going to talk to the family doctor and see what he recommends." Dad replied as Mom bursts into tears again. I looked over at her feeling worse than I ever felt before.
I ran upstairs after that and locked myself in my room. All I could think about was how much I have lost. I lost Wendy to some popular pretty-boy, I lost Kenny and he is slowly ruining his life and having fun while doing so, Cartman and Butters and I don't talk anymore and they don't answer my texts or calls, I made my parents feel guilty, and worst of all Kyle is gone from my life.
No wait scratch that, worst of all I can't cut anymore.
And that is how my world turned upside down.
A/N
Okay I know this one probably switches between past tense and present tense a lot. It's kind of like Stan talking about what has happened in his life to a friend while still having some present opinion of the issue.
The school system I use in this story is the one I am used to in Canada. Sorry I don't really know how it works in America too well and I'm too lazy for research!
Most of the events in this story are based off true things that have happened in my life. I have experience with cutting and suicide so I am not some sort of person writing about something they don't know anything about.
Anyways I hope you enjoyed the story! I wrote this in one sitting and I'm happy with how it turned out. I really enjoyed writing this part, can't wait to write the next chapter! Please don't be too mean in the comments! Have a great day.
Xx LiveLaughLovePegasus.