I would like to dedicate this story to Nisaki, who did pretty much all the research on medical conditions for me! Without her help I wouldn't have been able to write this story 3.
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Part One:
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Erwin Smith sighed as he had to mark yet another '0' on a student's homework column, frowning as he reviewed the previous littering of '0's and other poor grades. He ran his long fingers through his blond hair and leaned back in his deep leather office chair. It was difficult as a college professor to remain impartial at times when it came to certain students. Whether they would admit to it or not, all instructors had favorites amongst their pupils, and Erwin was no different. This particular student had been one of his secret favorites for years. He had taken at least one of Erwin's classes every semester since his freshman year, and had always excelled. Erwin, like most of the faculty here at the small college, taught more than one subject within his area of expertise, upping the rate of repeat students. But this student, Levi Ackerman, was his most consistent. The irony was that he did not even need more than one of Erwin's classes in order to complete his major, he simply took them because he wanted to. As an engineering major the only core class Levi needed that Erwin taught was Psychology, but he continued to appear in Erwin's classes once every semester; Arts & Culture 101, & 102, Psychology 101, 102, & 103, and Philosophy 101, 102, & 103. Not many students chose classes like this as their electives, but apparently Levi thrived on critical thinking and anything that challenged his mind. His papers always reflected a depth of intellect that impressed Erwin greatly.
Now as a senior, however, Levi was suddenly struggling.
This was not uncommon to see in students over the last year of college. Seniors could turn in either the most brilliant or the poorest quality of work. It was saddening to watch the effort fall away from some students once they reached their final year; the pressures of life after graduation were forcing their way into the comforting bubble of student life, threatening true adulthood and killing off the last days students had to live as youngsters.
Still, this pattern came as a surprise in Levi. He was viewed in one of two ways by the faculty who had him in their classes; they either loved him or hated him. He was an undeniably bright young man, deceivingly quiet overall but questioning everything when he had a chance. The very structure of a professor's class was under blatant scrutiny from young Mr. Ackerman, who was not shy about pointing out perceived flaws in the lesson plans. For the profs who laughed him off and conceded that he may be right, they could come to find his observations and criticisms charming. For those who did not, they came to despise him as a little self-important brat.
Erwin Smith escaped any deep ridicule from the young man who had the sciences department faculty complaining to each other in the lounge. He had been warned by another prof in the department that Levi Ackerman was in his class and he should brace himself for the smart-ass. When Levi did make his classic move it was only to point out that a Power Point Presentation would make it easier to take notes than Erwin writing the information on the board. A fairly commonplace complaint from Erwin's students, and he had responded by smiling and informing everyone in the class, not just Levi, that by writing out information longhand it was easier to recall later on, and with as much as he needed to know as a teacher it was a good exercise, and by students having to follow him along instead of just copying prewritten info it was also being more deeply written in their own brains. Levi had had nothing to say to that, or anything else to say in criticism of Mr. Smith.
As Erwin taught Arts & Culture, Philosophy, and Psychology he had a theory that Levi had a hard time criticizing blatant fact, but could take anything remotely resembling a theory and run with it until he dropped dead. Levi was an avid thinker and was ready to discuss, debate, and launch head-first into unwinnable battles over topics that were not meant to have a conclusion. Levi's classmates also had mixed opinions of him. Some of them, freshmen and juniors mostly, idolized him due to his intellect. While others, the majority, hated the long discussions he would drag on with the profs, deflecting efforts to have other questions answered and opportunities to be dismissed from class early. Erwin knew that Levi was not deliberately trying to make trouble, but truly enjoyed the classes, which was more than he could say for 90% of the students in any given class.
Erwin had formed a relationship with Levi, as the young man was always so eager to discuss or debate with him that most days after class found them in the campus coffee shop or cafeteria speaking together. Arguing, some fellow students and staff would say, as their debates could get heated at times when they were on opposite ends of a viewpoint. It was all in good intellectual fun, however, and neither of them considered stopping. Even when the overused 'teacher's pet' taunt came up a few times in class they just ignored it, as did everyone else who understood their odd connection.
Over the years professor Smith was able to know Levi closely through their hundreds of dialogues, and found the young man to be very intelligent but at the same time...a little lost. Levi was a very to-the-point person at heart despite the deep, winding roads his discussions took him on philosophical subjects, so what he didn't keep close he would state without embellishment. When the subject came up, he had evenly stated that he had a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of love and the sacrifices it made for others. When Erwin had prompted that a person's parents were usually the root cause of such uncertainties, Levi had gone silent for a moment. When he did speak it was with a small, sad smile and a monotone admission of,
"My mother had so many clients even she doesn't know which one fathered me."
Levi had not seemed ashamed, just factual. When Erwin opened his mouth to respond to that statement Levi stopped him, saying dryly that he didn't need any sympathy. Erwin had smiled and replied that he wasn't about to give any, simply observe how impressed he was that Levi was attending college with such a past. He had heard many a sad story from students before, but not many born into poverty were as determined to succeed as Levi, and that was admirable. Levi had seemed unsure how to counter that, as though no one had said anything like that to him before. While his heart was somewhat sore for Levi's upbringing, Erwin was more proud for him than anything, as he was working two jobs to put himself through college. Very few children born into poverty like he suspected Levi was ever made it through rudimentary schooling, let alone consistently make the Dean's List every semester. At least...until the final semester of Levi's senior year...
As he locked up his office for the night Erwin pondered Levi's academic decline. Levi had never been self-important like so many teachers thought, but he was admittedly proud. It was hard not to be after accomplishing so much, coming from where he had. If he was having difficulties...well, it was obvious that he was, but he would never ask for help, would never make use of the Learning Center and the tutors who were available. No, Erwin was not surprised that he was dealing with whatever issues he had on his own. Erwin had been seeing the signs for a while, now that he thought it over; Levi had been very tired in class, and his eyes had grown dark circles beneath them. Once or twice Erwin could swear he saw him nodding off in his seat. Levi had always been a sharp dresser, favoring sweater vests, dress pants, and collared shirts with ties to traditional student garb. But lately the professional clothes had given way to jeans and hoodies. After knowing how he normally dressed, it was highly unusual to see Levi in such casual ware.
Erwin could not help but worry, after nearly five years he had grown attached to Levi and he wanted to help him. He had been told countless times in his life that he needed to bandage up that bleeding heart of his and accept that there were times when a situation was just too broken to be fixed by anyone, least of all Erwin Smith. Still, he could not live without at least trying to do something. He wished he could seek Levi out right now to check on him. Of course he had no idea which dorm Levi lived in, but even if he did there was no way he could show up at a student's room without it being deemed inappropriate. Instead Erwin went home, and tried to get a full night's sleep while he tossed, turned, and worried about his short, proud student, and his piercing grey eyes.
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In his Philosophy 103 class the next evening Erwin found himself again distracted by Levi, who was sitting in the very back of the class rather than his customary seat in the front row. The boy looked like death today, and the question why ate at Erwin all through his lecture. All he wanted was to drag Levi into his office and demand that he reveal the reason why he looked so gaunt and tired. Instead he waited patiently until the end of class so he could carry out a milder version of this scenario.
"Levi, could you stay behind a moment, please." Erwin called when he dismissed the class. Levi acknowledged these words with a small sigh and shrug of his thin shoulders, as though he had known this would happen. When the main flow of exiting students receded to the door, Levi made his way resignedly down to Erwin's desk. There was a brief silence as they stood across from each other, and then Erwin bridged the gap a bit by coming out from behind his desk and leaning back against it, directly in front of Levi.
"Levi, your grades are surprising me lately."
The senior said nothing to this, but continued to stare at Erwin evenly with his dark grey-blue eyes, his mouth set in a firm line as if to defy that anything was amiss. The professor went on,
"I know that you're under a lot of stress, being in your senior year, but that's normal and you're not one to let mere stress break you so easily. You've proven that to me over the years, so please tell me, what's going on with you?"
It was very obvious that Levi did not want to have this conversation. His thin fingers tightened on the strap of his shoulder bag, his jaw set in even closer, and his eyes dropped swiftly from his professor's blue ones. After a few uncomfortable seconds of silence, he muttered,
"Nothing."
Erwin leaned his head to the side, trying to meet Levi's eyes again, but the young man refused that contact. Erwin sighed and lifted his head again.
"Alright. I suppose it's not fair for me to ask you something so personal. If you don't want to tell me the details, I won't make you. But don't expect me to look the other way either."
This comment drew Levi's wandering eyes back up to Erwin's face, where he studied its determined, honest lines carefully. Levi then gave the faintest grin and gently shook his head.
"Of course you wouldn't look the other way, even if I wanted you to. You're like that."
Hoping that the intense pride that swelled in his chest at those words did not bring a glow to his face, Erwin replied,
"Does that bother you?"
Once more those grey eyes lowered, as if unable to handle the compassion in the professor's face.
"Not really, I've gotten used to it. But...sometimes I wish you didn't see as much as you do."
"Levi, it has nothing to do with my perception." Erwin assured. "It does not take a genius to know something is wrong with you; your grades are slipping, you're missing assignments, you barely speak in class anymore, and you always look exhausted. Now tell me, how is anyone, least of all me, going to overlook that? Can you blame me for being worried?"
Again, that smile tugged at the firm set of Levi's mouth as he said,
"No, I wouldn't blame you. Out of all my teachers you're the only one who cares enough to question me directly."
Erwin felt his heart flutter a bit, both with renewed pride and sorrow.
"What?" He asked, "None of your other professors have talked to you?"
Levi shook his head.
"Have you been doing better in your other classes then?"
"Nope."
Suppressing a surge of anger toward his fellow professors, Erwin just shook his head disapprovingly. It was unprofessional to put down a student's other instructors in front of them.
"So you're performing badly in all your classes right now?"
"Pretty much."
"And how do you expect me to believe that nothing is wrong?" Erwin questioned, noticing how Levi shifted on his feet, looking more and more uncomfortable even though his expression never changed. He was a very solemn-faced young man regardless of what he was feeling, and determining his mood was a skill that Erwin felt like he'd gained from spending time inside and outside of class with him over the years.
"I told you," Levi said, very quietly, "I never expected that...from you. I've actually been dreading this moment because I knew you'd do this. You care too much."
"I disagree." Erwin countered. "I care for the wellbeing of all who are close to me. If I ignored signs like I'm reading in you what kind of person would I be?"
"The same as everyone else." Levi mumbled, looking subconsciously toward the open door on the other side of the room. "They couldn't give a damn."
Erwin sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Like I said, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just wanted to give you the opportunity."
A long and more than awkward silence hung in the air between them, stretching longer and more taut with each passing second. Levi finally broke it by admitting softly,
"I haven't been sleeping much."
Erwin nodded, remaining silent to allow Levi to reveal more if he chose to. He did not, instead opting to rub the short hair at the back of his head, before ruffling the longer locks that hung over his ears. Erwin was mildly distracted by this action, his non-professor side whispering to him how soft that black hair looked between Levi's slender, pale fingers. Such lovely, small hands he had, soft white flesh and tapered fingertips...
"Have you spoken to the campus nurse?" Erwin offered, needing to stifle that voice that had been whispering sweet, seductive observations about Levi since the first day the young man walked into his classroom.
Levi shook his head.
"I um...I don't like doctors. I know she's just a nurse, but still..."
"Insomnia can be very deadly, Levi." Erwin said with concern.
"Yea, but there's nothing wrong with me physically," Levi suddenly bit out in a terse voice, "you teach three levels of psychology and I've taken them all, so you and I both know what they're going to say; 'it's something in your own head, you need to see a therapist or a counselor to find the root cause.' Well I don't have time for that, I'm two months from graduating and I can't afford to waste time sitting and babbling with someone who thinks my personal issues are interfering with my sleep pattern!"
Levi's face flushed a bit pink when he finished, as though he realized that he had just been ranting. He once more rubbed the back of his head, sighed, and said in a more even tone,
"But I won't graduate if all of my grades are shit either...so...I'm kind of screwed, aren't I?"
"Levi..." Erwin said gently, not really having anything else to offer but feeling the urge to speak his name.
"Look," Levi said, meeting his eyes more determinedly than he had throughout their whole conversation, "there's nothing that you can do to help me. I know you're the caring type, but unless you can write me a script for sleeping pills..."
"Are you sure there's nothing physically wrong with you?" Erwin asked, very cautiously, finding that he needed to tread gently as Levi seemed uncharacteristically volatile at the moment, "If you haven't been checked over you have no idea."
"I feel fine!" Levi snapped. "Besides being so fucking tired I can't think!"
"Have you been having any headaches?" The senior flinched slightly at the question, and fell silent. Erwin could see that his slender hands were shaking a bit where they clasped together over his shoulder strap. Erwin felt a twinge of guilt, knowing that the tremors were most likely caused by nerves, due to his questioning.
"It's nothing." Levi insisted softly a moment later. "I have a busy schedule and...sometimes I get stress migraines. It's normal."
"How often is normal?" Erwin pressed, keeping his tone gentle and not demanding. Despite the care he took breaking the question Levi let out a frustrated huff of air and turned a vicious glare up at him.
"Just fuck off, old man, I'm fine!"
The words cut Erwin a bit, and seemed to startle them both, as Levi rarely raised his voice let alone addressed Erwin in a disrespectful way. At least, he had used this name for him a few times but it had always been teasing, never intending to harm. Erwin knew it was just a defensive measure and did not let it deter him; if Levi had really wanted to leave, to end this conversation, the door was wide open. Instead he stayed put. Erwin let the biting words ring in the air of the empty classroom for a moment, almost as if to make Levi think about what he'd said, and he looked miserable for it. Once Levi gave a self-deprecating frown and shook his head in frustration, Erwin finally asked, very carefully,
"If you're really fine, then why are you so upset?"
Levi bit his bottom lip, his thin black eyebrows narrowing angrily again even at the quiet inquiry.
"Because I'm-" Levi stopped for a moment as he tried to hold Erwin's gaze, and failed. He looked down and finished, "I am fine."
The shoulder bag was shifted to Levi's other side, just to give the nervous senior something to do besides stand there and stare at the floor.
"I think you should at least see a doctor." Erwin said quietly.
"I don't have insurance." Levi countered. "I have an engineering job lined up after graduation that includes health care, but until then I can't afford an appointment even if I decided to get one."
Erwin had to take a moment to think, wondering if it would be wise to proceed with the plan that had just formed in his head. Certainly it wouldn't help his career, it might even raise a few detrimental whispers if it was discovered, but at the moment he couldn't have cared. Levi was more important at this moment than anything else in Erwin's world. With that he made up his mind.
"Come with me." He said, moving back behind his desk to pick up his own briefcase.
"I have homework." Levi protested, while at the same time following Erwin to the door.
"Maybe so, but that doesn't mean you'll be doing it anyway." Erwin deadpanned, and Levi fell silent, following him all the way out to the faculty parking lot. "Get in."
For a brief moment Levi stood beside the passenger side of the car, and glanced at the tall blond man from across the roof. His eyes barely reached above the roof, and Erwin was again reminded of just how dear he found Levi's shortness. Erwin had driven him around plenty of times in the past, but they both knew this trip was no joy ride. The haggard student finally slid into the familiar passenger seat and buckled his safety belt. Erwin smiled as he closed his own door and started the engine. They sat in silence until they pulled off campus and onto the main highway.
"So are you going to tell me where you're taking me?" Levi asked, leaning back tiredly into the soft leather seat.
"Are you going to kick up a fuss if I do?" Erwin questioned back. When Levi didn't say anything, the professor answered for him. "You know where I'm taking you, anyway."
Levi gave a very long-suffering sigh.
"Yeah."
After five more moments of dead silence Levi began fiddling with the car radio, just to break the tension. He settled on a pop station, which they listened to for another ten minutes before Erwin pulled into the clinic parking lot. The hospital loomed beside it, like the small building was just a precursor to being admitted into the larger one. At least, that was how Levi seemed to feel by the way he glared at it.
"Aren't you supposed to have an appointment before you come here?" Levi grumbled as he stepped out of the car.
"Normally, yes, but I know someone who works here, and she should have time right about now."
Erwin noticed Levi's body language change the second they stepped through the automatic doors and into the office. His hands slid into his hoodie pockets, arms tight to his body as he seemed to shrink into himself as though for safety. The professor unconsciously moved close to him as they headed up to the counter. When the bored-looking woman behind the counter looked up, Erwin asked,
"Is Petra here?"
"Do you have an appointment?"
"No, but she'll see me. Just tell her Erwin Smith is here."
The woman looked skeptical, but picked up her phone regardless and began to dial. Once she had related the information, her eyes turned wider with surprise and she hung up.
"You can go on through. First door on the right."
Erwin thanked her and they headed toward the door that lead to the exam rooms. Levi shadowed Erwin closely, eyeing everything from the framed pictures on the walls to the carpet itself as though they were offensive or harmful. When they came to the first door, which sported the gold-plated sign engraved with Petra Ral, Erwin knocked. A very petite blond woman opened the door, a smile on her face as she looked up at Erwin.
"Erwin, don't tell me you're deathly ill but still looking so handsome?"
The blond man smiled back at her and shook his head.
"I'm healthy as a horse. I was wondering if you had a moment free though."
Petra's brown eyes fell on Levi hovering behind Erwin and her face schooled itself into a more serious expression.
"You know I do right now. Come on in."
She waved them into her office, a spacious one with large tinted glass windows and a sizable desk. Erwin and Levi took their seats in the chairs facing the desk while Petra sat behind it.
"What can I do for you, Erwin?" She asked, a touch more professionalism in her tone.
"It's not what you can do for me, Petra." Erwin said, glancing beside him at Levi, who was glaring at the live plants that grew on the windowsill as if they were openly insulting him. "This is Levi Ackerman. Levi, this is Petra Ral, an old college classmate of mine."
The dark-haired youth turned his cold gaze upon the doctor, and softened it from irritated to indifferent out of respect.
"Nice to meet you." He muttered.
"And you as well." She said politely. "I'm assuming you're the one I'm meant to examine?"
Levi nodded his head, tossing it in Erwin's direction.
"Prof Smith is convinced I'm dying or some shit."
Petra blinked a bit at the language and glanced at Erwin briefly, who sent her back an apologetic smile.
"Prof? So you're his student?"
"Not for long." Erwin cut in, seeing the suspicious glint in her soft brown eyes. "He has two more months before he graduates, but he's been having difficulty sleeping."
Petra turned her attention back on the young man sitting oddly upright and proper in his dark hoodie and jeans. He was obviously not some deviant off the street, he was still clean and put together, but he did look rough with his heavy eyelids and the dark circles under his eyes.
"Can you tell me a bit more about what you're experiencing?" She asked.
Sighing a bit, Levi nodded.
"Basically I haven't slept more than two or three hours a night for the past two months."
"Two months?" Erwin exclaimed, unable to hold back. He'd had no idea Levi had been suffering for that long.
The young man shifted uncomfortably in his seat at Erwin's reaction, and nodded.
"Yeah, it's been two months of hell, that's why my grades are slipping." He met Petra's eyes once more as he went on, "It's not that I'm not tired when I go to bed. I'm always exhausted, but then I just lie there for hours. My body gets stiff and sore from being in the same position. It's like I think that sleep will come if I just stay still. I've tried everything, trust me; hot tea, hot milk, melatonin, relaxing music, breathing techniques...you name it and I've tried it. Nothing has helped."
Erwin's heart cracked a little, threatening to break as Levi evenly rolled out his hardships. He could not stay silent though as he saw Petra open her mouth. He knew what she was going to say, knew her well enough from their years of friendship that he could tell she was trying to go the easy route and say there must be psychological reasons. He cut her off before she began to speak.
"There are other symptoms as well. He told me he has been having migraines."
Petra's expression turned more interested upon hearing that.
"How often are you experiencing them?" She asked.
"Pretty much one every few days." Levi murmured, his eyes sliding sideways toward Erwin. "They put me down. I have to lie in bed with all the curtains drawn and stay absolutely still to feel like my head's not going to explode. I take Migraine medication and it helps a lot, but I'm usually lying down for at least an hour before the meds kick in."
The crack expanded in Erwin's heart, and he wondered how it would stay intact through the rest of this visit.
"Insomnia and migraines..." Petra said, almost to herself as her medical mind turned Levi's words over and over. "Do you have any other symptoms? Any at all? If there was anything else that changed around the time the insomnia started it could be important."
The young man sat there for a moment, and then admitted,
"Prof Smith's going to fly off the handle about how I should have told someone sooner..." He prefaced, the smallest grin tugging at his lips, "but I haven't wanted to eat anything at all over the past month. I've barely been able to choke down what I need to keep going, food's become disgusting to me. I know that some people eat through their stress, and so I did think it was strange that I wasn't at least hungry with all the craziness of senior year."
Erwin noticed the slight rise of Petra's eyebrows that indicated she had discovered something. He had seen that look many times when they were doing homework together for classes, or studying together for a hard test. She leaned forward on her desk and asked.
"By chance, Mr. Ackerman, have you noticed any changes in your behavior? Have you been unusually short-tempered, or experiencing mood swings or sudden anger?"
The smallest of sounds came from Levi as he drew in a short breath. He didn't answer in detail as he had to all of her other questions. Instead he just nodded and said,
"Yeah...yeah actually."
Petra stood up and walked around her desk, drawing a small instrument from her lab coat pocket as she did.
"I'm going to take a look at your eyes if that's alright." She said gently, and leaned over Levi a bit, lifting the small bright flashlight in her hand. "Look up at me, please. Stare straight ahead."
She flashed the light in his eyes a few times, making him blink.
"Are your eyes sensitive at all?"
"Just a bit. Haven't really had a chance to rest them recently. Most nights I'm just scrolling through internet sites or movies on my phone to pass the time."
Petra hummed as she pulled back, then taking the stethoscope from around her neck and fixing the earpieces in place.
"I'm going to listen to your heart, stay still for me." She placed the round end of the instrument against Levi's chest, pressing through the thick hoodie fabric to be able to hear properly. Her eyes drifted to the side as she concentrated on the sounds coming from Levi's chest. Levi cast a questioning glance at Erwin, feeling uncomfortable with the entire situation. Erwin gave him a supportive nod, managing a smile. Petra remained there, poised over Levi and moving the stethoscope from place to place in his chest for a long time before moving to his back. Again, she took her time before pulling back.
"I'm hearing a heart murmur." She said seriously. "It definitely shouldn't be there, especially in someone as young as you. What is your exact age?"
"Twenty-three." Levi said, his eyes widening slightly at her admission. "What would my heart have to do with me not being able to sleep? Or my headaches?"
"There are a few heart conditions that can cause those symptoms." Petra said gently, breaking the news as carefully as she could. "I absolutely would recommend and Echocardiogram. We need to know what's happening in there."
Levi swallowed nervously.
"I um...I don't have insurance."
"Don't worry, I'll take care of it." Erwin cut in at once, and as Levi turned startled, angry eyes on him, he held up a hand for silence. "I will not hear one word of argument from you, Levi. Or would you like me to take the juvenile route and say 'I told you so'?"
That shut Levi's mouth, but he looked absolutely miserable as he hung his head in defeat. It was a lot for both of them to take in, that Erwin had been right and there was a larger issue with Levi's health.
"I'll send the order to the hospital." Petra said, sensing the darkening mood and moving back behind her desk. "They'll call you when they have an appointment time open. I'll give you a copy of the order to take with you as well."
They sat in silence as Petra took care of the necessary paperwork and made the phone call. When she hung up she stood and walked them toward the door.
"I have to get back to work now I'm afraid." She told them. "I'm glad you came to me, though. I'll expect either a follow-up visit or at least a phone call from one of you once you find out the results of the test."
"Thank you, Petra." Erwin said, but Levi remained silent until they were back in the car. He belted himself in and then released a loud, worried sigh.
"You were right, damn it." He said , sounding too weary to be angry. "I never imagined that there might be something wrong with my heart."
Erwin started the car and began to pull out of the parking lot.
"I had hoped I would be wrong...I'm sorry, Levi."
"Don't speak like I really am dying, we don't even know what's really wrong yet."
"Still," Erwin said gently, "I'm sorry that you're having to go through this at all. Not sleeping one night is bad enough, but an entire month...that combined with headaches...I'm sorry."
Levi leaned his head against the glass of the car window, closing his tired eyes.
"Yeah..." He said wearily. "I know you are."
They rode in silence until Erwin pulled up to Levi's dorm. Erwin put the car in park and turned to face his passenger.
"I had better hear from you when the hospital calls to schedule your appointment. I'm going to drive you, so either call my office or drop by to let me know."
Levi didn't move or respond for a few seconds. Then he rolled his head up slowly, gazing out the window without looking at Erwin.
"Why don't you just give me your cell number?" He quietly asked, the softness of his voice surprising Erwin and touching his heart. The implications of a student having a professor's personal cell hung in the silent air between them for a moment before Erwin answered,
"Of course. It would be silly not to at this point."
"Yeah."
Erwin fished around in the compartment between the seats for his small paper pad and pen. He scrawled his cell number down and tore the page off, handing it to Levi. The young man's slender fingers overlapped Erwin's as he grasped for the page, and they stayed there, holding Erwin's hand captive.
"Prof Smith," Levi said, meeting his gaze, "um...I don't really think you're old."
A large smile spread on Erwin's face at the words, knowing the words were Levi's way of apologizing for his earlier outburst.
"That's good to know." He chuckled warmly. "I'm not actually so much older than you, you know."
Levi pulled his hand back and scoffed.
"Oh really? So how old are you?"
"I'll be thirty in a few months." Erwin admitted. Levi's darkened eyes widened.
"How the hell have I been talking to you all these years and not known we were only 6 years apart?!"
"It never really came up." Erwin said. "I always thought you assumed my age from my youthful looks."
Levi cracked a rare smile at this, and Erwin thought he even spotted a light dusting of pink on his sunken cheeks.
"In your dreams, old man."
With that, in typical Levi fashion, he said nothing more but got out of the car and headed to the dorm. Erwin watched him to be sure he entered the building safely, swiping his student I.D. and waiting for the door to unlock. It somehow comforted Erwin that Levi had gathered up enough energy to quip with him, and even the fact that Levi didn't turn back or say anything in parting was a good signal; ill or not he was still Levi, after all.
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Less than a week later found Erwin and Levi sitting in tense silence in a hospital exam room, waiting on the results of Levi's echocardiogram. Due to yet another round of sleepless nights, Levi did very little complaining throughout the entire procedure, only offering a few helpless grunts and chuckles when the instrument rolled through the medical gel over ticklish areas of his chest. Erwin hadn't even had the heart to tease him about it once Levi was once more dressed and sitting beside him. The nonprofessional, male, part of his brain forced Erwin to appreciate the glimpses of Levi's slender legs he had been granted when the young man had donned his medical gown. The sight of his bare feet at the end of the exam table was a luxury also, sending Erwin's depraved imagination spinning as he watched the delicate bones flexing beneath perfect pale skin. It had almost been a shame when the young man disappeared behind the privacy curtain and then reappeared fully clothed a few minutes later.
They had been fortunate enough to have had an appointment time during which a cardiologist was available to read the results soon after. Thirty minutes later and the door opened, admitting a man in a lab coat and holding a clipboard.
"Good evening, Mr. Ackerman, I have your ECG results for you."
"Give me the bad news." Levi droned, both he and Erwin sensing by the way the man sat down rather than remained standing that it was not good.
"Actually, it could have been far worse." The cardiologist said, pulling a few of the grainy black and white photos from his clipboard and laying them out on the counter. "A heart murmur could mean a variety of serious issues, and thankfully yours is on the milder side."
"What do you mean by that?" Levi asked, unconvinced.
"You have what is known as a secundum atrial septal defect. Now to put that in English for you, it is a condition between the top two chambers of your heart, your atriums. It means that there is a defect in your septum, the wall of cartilage dividing your left and right atriums, that is allowing a surplus flow of blood into your right atrium."
The weight of the news landed heavily on both Erwin and Levi. Despite the doctor's words that it was a milder condition than most, it was still an issue with the heart, and that struck fear into them both. Considering the extend of Levi's symptoms, it was an unspoken fact that he had been living with this growing defect for longer than he had thought.
"By defect," Levi asked in a bit of a rough tone, "do you mean a hole?"
"Essentially yes." The cardiologist answered, holding up one of the images. "Look here; you see this dark spot? That's the defect, or hole, in your septum. Blood is supposed to flow right to left in the heart, not the other way around. The oxygenated blood on the left, with a secundum atrial septal defect, mixes with the deoxygenated blood on the right. This mixing is what causes your insomnia, the headaches, your lack of appetite, your mood changes, etc. When the blood is not properly sent flowing through the heart it affects the rest of you in pretty harmful ways."
"So...I have to have heart surgery."
It was a statement more than a question, as though Levi was resigning himself to the frightening prospect. Erwin's own heart throbbed in fear for his favored student. The doctor kindly nodded, speaking more softly.
"It is nothing so serious as open-heart surgery, son; this surgery is carried out laparoscopically, you wouldn't even have any scars. The surgeon makes an incision into your right atrium in order to locate the defect in the septum and patch it up. Some defects are small enough to simply be sewn together, but I'm afraid yours is a bit larger. It is a mercy you came to us when you did; the longer a large defect is neglected the higher the risk for pulmonary vascular obstructive disease."
In the short silence that followed, Erwin could sense Levi's fear even though his face remained stoically set into the same neutral frown. He desperately wanted to take his hand at that moment, upon seeing the very slight tremor that was causing the fingers to shake.
"So what do I do now?" Levi asked, admiringly sounding calm and composed.
"I would recommend that we schedule you for surgery immediately."
The doctor's eyes held the question, searching Levi's lowered gaze for a sign that he understood. The young man swallowed a few times before taking a deep breath and asking,
"Can you, um, tell me a bit about what my recovery would look like? I'm hoping to graduate from college in two months. Should I arrange to push my last semester back?"
Shaking his head, the cardiologist modified his tone once more to have a positive edge.
"There's nothing to worry about there, son, as this surgery is far less invasive. The recovery period is relatively short, and you can be back to your daily life in perhaps six days overall. You would need to have a series of antibiotic injections for four to six months after the surgery, however. That will be the most bothersome part of this for you, I think. It shouldn't interfere with your studies at all, you would just obviously need to inform your teachers."
Another serious silence fell in the room as Levi tried to absorb all he had just been told. The pressure of having to make a decision that, ultimately, only had one answer, was crushing him.
"I...I need a minute to think." He said finally. "With you." He added, nodding at Erwin.
"Take all the time you need." The doctor said, rising. "I'll write my recommendation for surgery, and leave it at the desk for you. Take care, now."
As soon as the door closed behind the man Levi bent forward, clutching his midsection and gasping hard like he was going to be sick.
"Levi!"
Erwin laid both of his hands on Levi's trembling shoulders without thinking, gripping him firmly to try and steady him. The young man rocked slightly where he hunched over, gasping loudly.
"I'm alright, I'm alright..." He muttered between great intakes of shuddering breath. "I just feel sick...god, heart surgery..."
Erwin knew the best course of action at the moment would probably be to give Levi space, but the overwhelming need to comfort, to protect, drew him in closer. He knelt beside Levi on the cold hospital floor and began rubbing warm circles between his shoulder blades, his other hand soothing the same pattern into his forearm. Erwin had never seen Levi even close to this upset before, let alone shaking almost violently, nearly hyperventilating, his eyes wider than he'd ever seen them before. One trembling hand came up to cup his mouth as though willing himself not to vomit, the deep breaths huffing out through his nose now.
"Levi, Levi, it's alright." Erwin attempted a calming tone, but Levi suddenly shook his head and turned his crazed eyes upon him.
"No its not." He babbled through his hand, his tone thin, high, and frantic. "I can't afford this, Erwin, I can't afford surgery let alone the hospital stay and the in-injections. You can't afford it either, it's not like your insurance will cover it and-."
"Now you shut up right this second!" Erwin demanded, all gentleness gone and his voice firm and commanding. His compassion was now overcome with anger. "Are you telling me that after everything we just heard, the required surgery, the photos of the hole in your heart, that the cost is what's making you this upset? Did you really think that after all this time I'd turn a blind eye to your needs? Have you so little faith in me?"
As was oddly typical with Levi, he responded to the harshness rather than the tenderness, making him focus on Erwin, his expression raw, open, and lost.
"B-ut-."
"I said hush!" Erwin demanded again at the endeavored protest, bringing one large hand almost roughly to the back of Levi's head. The action was meant to force Levi to listen, to look into his face, to be grounded in what Erwin was saying to him. "Levi, I will always have more money. I have a good job, and am not hurting for funds in the slightest. You know nothing about my financial state, neither is it any of your business. All you need to concern yourself with is being made well again. For once in your life, trust someone, Levi. Trust me."
The longer Erwin spoke, the easier Levi's breathing became. The firm tone the man took was a bit contradictory to the sweet words he was speaking, but Levi had never been one to receive sympathy easily, and he was more accepting of this tactic. He stared, wide-eyed and helpless into Erwin's steady gaze, until another large shudder went through him and pulled himself to sit up straight in his chair once more. His slender body still shook, but the wild look had thankfully gone from his eyes.
"I don't have much of a choice, do I?" He ground out roughly. Erwin felt a twinge of pain at the words. It wasn't exactly what he'd hoped to hear, but it was a start. The larger man seated himself beside Levi once more, continuing to rub his back. The young man made no effort to stop him. Time seemed to freeze as they sat there, both of them calming down. The soft footfalls of passing medical staff and the beeping of equipment and pagers filtered in through the heavy door, the only sounds in the quiet. Finally Levi spoke, his tone much softer than before,
"I hope you don't mind that I called you 'Erwin' back there..."
The blond man blinked, realizing in hindsight that Levi had indeed called him by his first name in the midst of his nerves. He smiled, chuckling softly and running his hand up to pat the back of Levi's head, feeling the smooth texture of the closely shaved hair.
"Think nothing of it you little runt."
There was a moment where he didn't know how Levi was taking his light-hearted taunt. Then he felt the vibration in Levi's neck, and heard the small, thankful laugh. He felt his own lips turn up in a smile, and he removed his hand as Levi sat up once more.
"Let's just get this over with." Levi said with a sigh. "If it can't be avoided, let's just do it."
"Are you sure you're alright?" Erwin asked, trying hard not to sound overly concerned and irritate Levi, but unable to keep the gentle tone from escaping. Levi nodded, rubbing his hands over his face.
"It doesn't matter whether I am or not." Levi said resignedly, meeting Erwin's eyes again. His face was calm now, in a deflated kind of way. "Let's just get out there and schedule the surgery before I make a run for it."
Having nothing else to say in response, Erwin stood, and patted Levi on the shoulder. He knew that the young man would follow him when he began heading toward the door. Erwin grinned to himself as he heard the footsteps trailing behind him and sensed, more than felt, a tiny grip on the loose-hanging sleeve of his jacket.
))((
The digital clock on his phone screen read 4:35 am. Levi Lay in his bottom bunk, groggy but unfortunately still awake as he scrolled through an informative website about his heart condition on his phone. While he had tried to keep himself from researching it and scaring himself further, the pull of knowledge and the ease with which it could be accessed had sucked him in.
The bunk above him creaked slightly and he heard a faint male groan as his roommate stirred briefly from sleep. As always the sound caused a stab of envy to pierce Levi's defective heart, as though the other young man was trying to rub it in his face that he was sleeping and Levi was not. This was absurd, Levi knew, as Eren was the type of person who was so utterly good and kind that he might actually feel guilty about getting a good night's sleep if he knew it taunted Levi. The kid was only one year Levi's junior, but he acted so innocent at times that Levi almost felt like his own personality would poison Eren's pure spirit. When they had been placed together in Freshmen year Levi had thought that the cheery aura surrounding the brunette would fade over the years of crushing academic requirements and the personal drama that a sap like Eren was bound to be caught up in. Levi had been surprised when Eren had proved him wrong, maintaining his happy-go-lucky personality even in response to a few very hurtful comments that Levi had hurled at him the last four years when the stress broke his restraint.
With a tiny chuckle in the dark, Levi thought about how the young man would react when he told him why he'd be leaving the dorm for a few days. He could just picture it now; those huge green eyes of Eren's widening further with sickeningly genuine concern and the long rant he would no doubt go on about how Levi needed to place more trust in him and should have told him from the beginning that something was wrong. Levi conceded to himself that the brat had gotten away with enough in their time as roommates and...friends...dragging him out to parties and events, eating with him whenever they ran into each other in the cafeteria, even trying to set him up with a few girls he had met through his sporting activities. Again Levi found himself grinning; bluntly revealing to Eren after the third attempted fix-up that he liked men had been one of the most comedic moments in his student life. Eren had quite literally done a double-take and started to sputter like he had never learned how to speak. Without the boy getting one more word in, Levi had assured him blandly that he had nothing to worry about, that he wasn't after Eren's ass, but rather someone higher up on the food chain than a wimpy romantic sap like him. Although in hindsight, Levi had to admit to himself that the fiery blush that had consumed Eren's cheeks had been absolutely adorable.
With a sigh, Levi turned his mind back from Eren and his responsibility to tell him due to their longstanding proximity, to the webpage that had darkened from his lack of scrolling. It lit up again as his thumb swiped past the text. He knew that researching his own condition could exacerbate his fears, but as his surgery had been scheduled for tomorrow...well, today, he decided there was little harm in it. The problem would god-willing be fixed before the day was out.
Suddenly, a text came through. Levi's sagging eyelids lifted in surprise to see who it was from. Levi was still adjusting to Prof Smith actually texting him. It had been three days and he had already lost count of how many messages they had sent between them.
Let me guess, still awake?
The young man rolled his eyes affectionately and tapped out a response.
Stellar guess, Aristotle :( what are you even doing awake right now?
My cat woke me up and I thought about you
Levi had no idea what to make of that, but a little stream of mirth bubbled through him at the statement. He found that lately, in spite of his condition, he had been smiling and chuckling more with Prof Smith, with Erwin, than he had in a long time.
I'm sorry I asked
Have you packed yet? Everything you need?
God, you're such a mother-hen...
Is that a yes, little chick?
:( don't call me little, old man! But I'm going to pack in a few hours, so I won't bug Eren
You haven't told him yet, have you...
...I wouldn't survive his sympathy if I told him earlier than five minutes before I leave.
Well, I'll try to spare you by being on time to pick you up
Levi didn't answer that one right away, just letting his sore, tired eyes read and re-read the last three words of that text. He had fought against having what he considered 'romantic' delusions about anyone, his childhood watching his mother dream away her life while selling her body making sure of that. However, with Prof Smith it had been different since Levi's first semester. The man was striking with his impressive height, broad shoulders, and light blond hair offsetting bright blue eyes. Levi would have had to be made of stone not to have been attracted immediately. He was well aware of the impossibility of a student dating a teacher, but that did not stop him from spending as much time with Prof Smith as he could in his student capacity. Levi was very intuitive, and could sense over the years of their acquaintance that Prof Smith at least minimally thought he was attractive as well.
Rather than being a self-centered fantasy, this conclusion had been reached by Levi using his worldly-wise observation talents to spot this truth. The blond man would steal glances at him when Levi seemed oblivious, he took opportunities to innocently touch Levi if he could, and as much of a bleeding heart as Levi had seen Erwin have there was no way he would go so far as to pay for a surgery out of pocket for someone he didn't deeply care for. Levi was convinced that the man felt something for him, and as much as it thrilled him the constant dark pessimism he seemed to have been born with always whispered to him that he was fooling himself. If nothing else, Levi knew he couldn't even consider the possibility of a relationship with Erwin before graduation, which was just one more reason on the long list of many why he had to graduate on time. He was very aware, however, that in spite of his clever mind and all his knowledge, he might be utterly wrong. That thought frightened him more than any other.
One somewhat soothing thought was that Prof Smith was in fact, gay. It was not a well-known fact by any means. Levi didn't even know if anyone else on campus really knew. Prof Smith was not open with such knowledge and Levi only found out by accident.
More than accident it was like an overwhelming coincidence; he had been avoiding Eren one afternoon in his sophomore year, as the young man had been smothering him with stories about his new, cute girlfriend every second. For Levi it wasn't enough to hide somewhere on campus where Eren might possibly find him, like the library or an empty classroom. To be absolutely sure he wouldn't be discovered by anyone, Levi had actually hauled his backpack full of textbooks into a broad-limbed oak tree that sat a hundred yards or so into the trees that surrounded one of the faculty lots on campus. The tree was very old and the limbs were so thick around that Levi could sit comfortably cross-legged for hours as he read and did his homework. There was even a sturdy stump where one of the branches had snapped off where Levi hung his backpack. He grew to like the tree as his need to escape grew over those few weeks that Eren was immersed in 'first love bliss'. One of the evenings that Levi had been studying in the tree a voice reached his ears from below. Every now and again as the teachers came and went to their cars he'd hear them humming, talking to each other if more than one were leaving at a time, but this time it was Prof Smith's voice he heard, and he had been on his phone. Levi could just barely see him through the covering of leaves between where he sat high in the tree and the lot, but the man's voice had been unmistakable to him by now. Through the conversation Levi gathered that Erwin had actually been speaking with his mother, and even when he got into his car the window had been rolled down. Erwin had been assuring his mother (who had undoubtedly called to check in on him by the sound of things) that he was doing fine after a recent breakup with a man named Paul. Levi had perked his ears up when he heard that, listening intently as Erwin had told his mother that this Paul had been too much of a controlling bastard. He had gone on to say that he wished he could just find someone who could balance him out, love him, and enjoy being loved in return.
To say that hearing these words hadn't caused Levi's pulse to speed up would be an outright lie. As much as Levi detested the idea of 'crushes' or dreaming about true love, he couldn't help that he was still stirred by the prospect. It was true, he knew very little about love. His mother had not been abusive, nor unkind to him as she raised him, but he had found it hard to accept that someone who was supposed to love him so much would allow him to be exposed to what she did for a living. From a very young age Levi knew his mother was a prostitute, and could even witness it to an extent from the sounds that would filter through his wall at night. Somehow there had been a disconnect in his brain when his mother had told him that she did what she did for him, in order to bring him up. This had planted the seed in Levi that drove him to rely on himself rather than anyone else. It had pushed him to the top of his class in high school, had granted him scholarships, and had made him struggle harder than he had in his entire life when Prof Smith showed him such kindness.
Levi?
The text mercifully shook Levi out of his wandering reveries, and he texted back,
Yeah I'm here. You should go back to sleep, I want you alert when you drive me tomorrow
Good luck telling Eren. Call me if you need someone to pry him off you with a crowbar.
Will do. Goodnight.
Good morning :)
Shut up. Bye.
))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((
All the arrangements had been made. Levi's teachers had all prepared him his assignments ahead of time or extending the deadlines for him. It was Friday, ensuring that at least three of his hospitalization days would not be during the school week. Being a senior, Levi graciously only had three classes this semester anyhow, making the workload easier had he been in tip-top shape. Once he got out of this hospital Levi was determined to recover his grades.
Sitting here now, in the humiliating hospital gown, it was more difficult to imagine himself capable of that level of hard work, a level that he easily tackled in the past. Levi was just so tired he could barely think straight let alone truly pay attention to the nurse's words as she pierced his hand with the IV needle. He managed in his muddled brain to gather that he would need to be hooked up to the IV for a while before he was taken into surgery. Between all the forms he'd had to fill out, as well as all the forms he'd had to watch Prof Smith fill out, Levi's mind was even more fatigued. Erwin and Levi had not spoken much on their trip to the hospital. Some playful bantering about how Eren's reaction to Levi's news had been just what they were expecting, but beyond that nothing of import. It seemed unreal, like Levi was living in a strange dream. Just a few days ago he had been told of his condition and now he was slotted for surgery in about an hour.
Nothing had ever made Levi so nervous. He had always had utter confidence in himself, but with every tick of the clock on the plain hospital wall his iron will was crumbling.
"How are you doing, Levi?" Erwin asked, once the nurse had left and they were alone in the room. The young man smoothed his hands over the thin material over his thighs, eyes closed for a moment before looking at his professor. The man looked disgustingly healthy and alert, his eyes bright and blue as always, and his casual clothing choice of sweater and jeans made him look much more...normal...than Levi had ever seen him.
"I don't really know yet to be honest. Not so great, I guess." He gave a massive sigh. Erwin had been sitting in the chair by the window, but at Levi's tired words he stood and moved to the one right beside the bed. He could sense Levi's nervousness even if the raven-haired youth was doing his best to appear strong. His blue-grey eyes were heavy, the circles beneath them darker than Erwin had seen them before.
"Levi, have you ever had any kind of surgery before?"
The young man chuckled softly and reached up with his free hand to push the long black bangs back from his face.
"You're starting to sound like those forms I just had to fill out."
"I'm only curious. It always helps if you've experienced it before."
Tilting his head in thought, Levi admitted,
"I did have my wisdom teeth pulled when I was fourteen."
Erwin placed his hand on the plastic bar of the bed, tapping it mindlessly with his fingers.
"Well, that's something, I suppose. Did they put you under for that?"
"Yeah. I guess I should say that they had to cut them out; they had become impacted before they had even broke through my gums. So I had to be put out and then my face was swollen like a chipmunk for a week afterwards."
Unable to hold in his amusement at that image, Erwin laughed. Levi glared at him without any real malice.
"It's not funny! It was really painful."
"I'm sorry," Erwin chuckled, turning in the chair to face Levi more directly, "I just couldn't imagine your narrow face being puffed up like that!"
"Yeah, well..." Levi gave a tiny grin, trailing off and leaning back against the bed. In the silence that surrounded them, the weight of why they were here seemed to rest upon them both, just as it had several days ago upon hearing the news.
"What time is it?" Levi asked a few moments later. Erwin checked his watch, not commenting on the fact that there was a clock on the wall well within sight. Levi had kept his eyes closed all this time, resting his tired lids.
"10:16."
"About 35 minutes..." Levi muttered, taking a deep breath and shifting on the bed to curl onto his side toward Erwin. For some reason seeing Levi in that position made Erwin's heart jump. He looked so vulnerable lying there on his side, his thin legs drawing up closer to his body and his arms tucked against his stomach. Erwin couldn't help himself in the pause that followed, he slid one hand out and laid it on Levi's shoulder.
"The waiting is the hardest." The young man said in response to the touch, rather than shucking it off. "I wish they could just it over with already."
"It'll be fine, Levi, these surgeons have done this thousands of times before."
"I know, I know..." Levi sighed, his voice losing its edge and breaking a bit. "But...just being put under anesthetic is a risk. They're shoving a fucking rod into my heart."
"To fix the hole." Erwin countered gently. Levi's hands clenched and his shoulder began to tremble beneath the large hand.
"I said I know!"
The words were shaky, broken, and helpless. Erwin was still unused to hearing Levi speak like that. He missed the cocky, scathing tone and the long debates. Right now, however, the poor young man was simply afraid, and Erwin couldn't blame him in the slightest. Erwin could not help being afraid for him as well, for that miniscule percentage of failure. He stood from the chair in order to lean over the bed, rubbing Levi's back with his other hand, as he had done a few days before. It was a hypnotic motion for Erwin, smoothing circles over the slender bows of Levi's shoulder blades, feeling the soothing heat generated by the friction. He could only hope that his student found it just as comforting.
"Levi...it's alright to be frightened, you know. There's no shame in it. I can tell this is hard on you, and you don't need to hide anything from me."
Levi's closed eyes squeezed tighter still as he pressed the side of his face deeper into his pillow. His small body began to shake slightly, and his lips parted on his increasing breaths. Erwin spotted those dark grey-blue eyes flutter open briefly beneath long black lashes.
"I'm just so tired..." Levi said softly, barely above a whisper. "I'm so tired and I'm..."
As Levi trailed off, Erwin lifted the hand that rested on Levi's shoulder, running it gently through surprisingly silky black hair. He had wanted to do that for years.
"After this, you'll be able to sleep for as long as you want." He told Levi softly. "You'll get through this surgery and then you'll feel so much better."
For a few silent moments Levi simply lay beneath Erwin's comforting caresses, shaking and trying to breathe as evenly as he could. The sweet, warm touches finally prompted Levi to sit up. Erwin was honestly taken by surprise when Levi wrapped his slender arms around his broad torso and leaned his face against his chest. He could feel those thin hands clinging tightly to the back of his sweater, the plastic IV tube trailing around him from Levi's left hand. Erwin carefully placed his own arms around the young man at last. Levi began to shudder, holding onto him desperately as he fought with the urge to weep. No tears escaped his eyes, but dry sobs left him, sounding loud in the quiet of the room. Erwin pulled him closer as his mind caught up and he realized that Levi was actually embracing him, willingly. While the warmth of the small body felt so wonderful, it hurt Erwin that the young man was so broken, so afraid. He would never do something like this if he wasn't suffering so much. At the same time it felt incredible to be able to hold him, comfort him. It was all Erwin had wanted to do since he began sensing Levi's troubles over a month ago.
"It's going to be alright." He said quietly, not wanting to sound like he was addressing a child, but wanting to speak soothingly. "I'm going to be here with you every step of the way whether you like it or not."
Levi continued to cling to him, shaking to pieces in Erwin's arms as he let the fear drain out of him in loud, uneven breaths. As the moments ticked by the young man did not release him as Erwin thought he would, but rather began pulling him insistently until Erwin was literally forced to crawl onto the mattress beside Levi. Ignoring the professional side of his mind nagging at him, Erwin settled comfortably on his side, facing Levi, and pulled the smaller man flush against his chest. His large hands cupped the slender lines of Levi's back and shoulders, feeling the shuddering warmth of his body as it pressed into his own. Once Erwin was completely embracing him like that, wrapped around him, enveloping him, Levi began to calm down. The strong circle of those arms was unlike anything he had felt before. No other person had ever held him this way, let alone in his time of need. His breaths slowly evened out and puffed hot and steady into Erwin's shoulder where his dark head was nestled.
"Erwin," Levi whispered after a few moments, "can we just stay like this for a while...please?"
The blond man minutely tightened his hold on Levi, pressing his face against the side of Levi's head. It was starting to feel right, hearing his first name on that boy's lips...
"Of course."
His heart soared when Erwin felt that body literally collapse against his own, going completely limp in his arms. The longer he held Levi, the more he could feel the beating of his heart, which was soon to be under the knife, regardless of how small. They lay that way, silently steeping in the heat of their bodies, for a very long time before Erwin could not help glancing at the clock. He had no shame in holding his student like this, given the circumstances, but he also was aware that it might not be the best idea for the nurses to walk in on them like that. For a very long time neither of them was willing to move, to break the unearthly stasis that had seemed to fall over them. Whatever would happen between them after this, this moment was crystalline, pure, and beautiful.
"Levi, it's almost time." Erwin whispered into Levi's hair, which smelled strongly of shampoo. Shifting in Erwin's arms, Levi pulled back and rested his head on the pillow, looking up into Erwin's eyes.
"Prof S-Erwin..." He said quietly, looking unutterably exhausted. "I know what they've all told me about the surgery being safe, but...just in case anything goes wrong and-"
"Hush, Levi-."
"-if anything happens to me," Levi insisted, "I want you to know something."
"Yes?" Erwin asked, unsuspecting. The next second Levi's free hand slid up Erwin's jaw, and his full lips were suddenly pressed against Erwin's own. Warm, soft, and so very, very sweet. The older man didn't have time to process what Levi was actually doing before the contact was broken and Levi pulled back. There was a bright flush suddenly dusting his very pale cheekbones, and he was not making any attempt to look up at Erwin.
"Levi..." Erwin muttered, shocked. "I...had no idea..."
"You do now." Levi whispered roughly. "Do what you want with the news, but I couldn't face even the smallest chance of dying without doing that."
Erwin opened his mouth, not even really knowing what he was going to say, but a knock at the door of the room cut him off. Erwin quickly but carefully eased off the bed to stand beside it, letting one hand linger on Levi's shoulder. This time it was more for his own benefit rather than Levi's, as his head was spinning both from moving so quickly after lying down so long, and from being blindsided.
"Come in." He called, wondering if he looked like a deer in the headlights, still feeling the warmth of those lips on his mouth.
A male and female nurse entered the room with a gurney.
"Are you ready, Mr. Ackerman?" The woman asked, coming over to removed the IV shunt.
"As ready as I'll ever be." Levi muttered, reaching up unexpectedly to touch Erwin's hand where it rested on his shoulder. He squeezed a little in response as the nurse did her work.
"We're going to need you to get on the gurney, please." The other nurse said, and Levi carefully slid from the bed and climbed up on the thin mattress-covered metal frame of the gurney. The male nurse lifted the back so that Levi would be lying at an incline.
"Would you like to come down to the waiting room, sir?" The female nurse asked Erwin. He nodded, and followed them as they wheeled Levi out of the room and down the hall. The atmosphere was tense as they took an elevator and walked down a long few hallways. At a set of double doors the nurses informed Erwin he'd have to wait at the adjacent waiting room.
"How long will this take again?" Levi asked quietly.
"A half hour, give or take a few minutes." The female nurse told him gently.
"Alright. See you later, Erwin." Levi said, casting a tiny grin at the tall man. Erwin, however, saw so much more in that glance. It was a plea for support, a 'thank-you', a flash of fear, and possibly a goodbye. In the split second that Erwin had to try and relate as much with his own expression, the nurses readied to take Levi away.
"Take care, Levi."
Then the gurney was pushed through the double doors and out of sight, leaving Erwin with one last glimpse of Levi's grey-blue eyes, glistening slightly, with tears.
))((
TBC
(End of Part 1) (Don't worry, Part Two is in rapid production :D )