Terrible Canyons Of Static
"You guys got a signal yet?" Charlie called out of the mouth of the cave to Meeks and Pitts, who were attempting to make their illegal radio work.
"No…it's all these damn branches…" Meeks yelled back down through the crack in the ceiling of the cave. "Five more minutes, okay?"
Charlie whuffed impatiently and lit another cigarette. Knox, next to him, stole it away and took a drag before passing it to Neil. Charlie snarled laughingly and lit yet another.
"I don't get it," Cameron said. "Why can't we just dance without music?"
He received three exasperated looks. Todd, the last person present, was busy scribbling in his notebook.
"Cameron," Charlie began, "you don't get anything, do you?"
"I haven't listened to the radio since the beginning of the term," Knox mused.
Neil smiled half-heartedly. "My father won't even let me have a radio."
"As I was saying," Charlie continued, undaunted, "music, much like food, water, air and sex, is necessary to the survival of the teenaged male. If we didn't have any of those things, we'd go crazy."
"Who needs sex?" Cameron argued.
Charlie rolled his eyes. "Cameron, with all the beating off that you do, you're likely to go blind."
Laughter ensued as Cameron turned purple. "I do not," he said, but just then there was a loud whine from the radio and static sounded over the speakers.
"Shh, shh," Neil hissed, and they crowded around the crackling radio as Pittsy and Meeks came in from outside. "We got something!"
Meeks elbowed his way in through the ring of boys and fiddled with the tuning knob. It whined, finally coming in loud and clear on one station. It happened, of course, to be the 'oldies' station.
Knox groaned. "Just great." His sentiment was echoed by the other members of the Dead Poets, except for Neil, who motioned for them to be quiet. A smile spread over his face.
"Hey, Knox?"
"Yeah?"
"When's your date with Chris again?"
Knox blushed. "It's not a date; it's a party. Um, this Friday, why?"
"Well, what if she asks you to dance?"
"I can dance," Knox replied defensively.
Neil leaned in, his eyes glittering. "To this kind of music? A real romantic dance?"
They were silent for a moment, listening. The music was soft and slow, with a lot of horns and strings. Charlie made a face. "No one can dance to this crap."
"I'm serious; it's the kind of thing girls go for. Sappy." Neil shrugged. "And I can dance to it."
"Get out," Pitts said.
"Nope. My grandmother used to teach me how to dance all the time, before she died." Neil rose, his knees cracking, and extended a hand to Knox. "Come on, Knoxious, I'll show you how."
Knox lifted his palms. "Oh, no you don't. Dance with yourself, Perry. I'll watch."
The other boy sighed in exasperation. "I can't dance with myself, one of you guys has to be the girl." They laughed, and then Charlie said loudly,
"What about Todd?"
Todd, jerked out of his reverie, glanced up, looking as he usually did – like a deer caught in headlights. "What?"
Neil bent on one knee and offered his hand. "Wilt thou allow me this dance?"
The boys erupted in laughter. "Say that to Chris, Knox, and she'll kick you out, no question," chortled Pitts.
Todd stared at him, his cheeks shiny. "Neil – I – "
"Oh, just dance with him, damnit." Charlie threw his cigarette butt into the ashes of the fire.
"Please, Todd?" Neil begged.
Frightened, Todd nodded just perceptibly and got to his feet. He couldn't refuse Neil's deerlike eyes, pleading with him under dark bangs.
Neil grinned. "Okay. Now put your hand like this…" He took Todd's fingers and placed them on his back, then took his other hand and clasped it in his own. His palms were dry and cool. Todd trembled a little, but managed to remain on his feet.
Then Neil put his own free hand around Todd's waist, and he thought for sure he would dissolve. But he didn't, and as the music went on Neil's mellifluous voice rose above it, directing Todd and giving Knox tips.
"Just move with me, okay? No, no, move your feet with mine. Yeah, that's it. Now Knox – don't try to grab her ass. Just put your hand right here, where I have mine on Todd's waist. Uh-huh, there. Any lower and Chet Danburry will relocate your jaw." Slowly they both became absorbed in the dance, and Todd was gazing at Neil's face – the high cheekbones, intense eyes, slowly curving, warm mouth. He was shaking.
The song ended, but they did not part. "And that's about it," Neil said, a little out of breath. "Hm. I don't think I forgot anything."
"What if she puts her head on his shoulder?" Charlie said suggestively, leering.
"That's sick, Dalton." Cameron made a face.
"Hey, Todd's a girl, remember? It's no big deal."
Neil glanced at Knox, who nodded. "I'd appreciate it, Neil."
Then Neil glanced at Todd, who was shaking even harder, but managed to nod his consent.
"Okay, then," Neil continued, taking his hands down and wrapping Todd in a close embrace. "Put your arms around me too, Todd. Just both, around my waist. Uh-huh. Head on my shoulder."
Eyes squeezed shut, Todd gasped slightly as his cheek came in contact with Neil's coat. Neil's body, beneath his hands, was warm and yielding.
There was scattered laughter and Todd felt Neil turn his head. "Face in, Todd."
At least they wouldn't be able to see the peculiar scarlet color his face had turned, Todd thought desperately as he shifted his face so that his nose dug into Neil's neck. He felt Neil nod and wrap his arms around his upper back.
"There's no real art to this kind of dancing, Knoxious," Neil said, demonstrating. "You just kind of rock back and forth. It's almost always a prelude to necking or something, though. As you guys can obviously tell."
There was laughter, but Todd heard none of it. He waited until he was sheltered from the gazes of the other boys by Neil's body, then inched recklessly forward and pressed quivering lips to the base of Neil's throat.
Neil froze, then recovered so quickly that Todd doubted any of the others noticed anything. The dark-haired boy cleared his throat and went on.
"Um…and if Chris dances with you like this, it's obvious that she wants you to be more than just her friend. In fact, if you dance with anyone like this, you better tell us. It's like the third base of dancing."
"What's home?" Meeks wanted to know.
"A lap dance," Charlie sneered.
They were facing away from them again, and Todd gently kissed him again, this time letting his tongue sliver out just a tiny bit and touch Neil's cold flesh.
Neil practically jumped, then made it look like he was moving away on purpose. Fortunately, everyone was still musing on Charlie's comment.
"So does that mean Todd got to third dancing base with Neil?" Pitts asked.
Knox playfully slapped the back of his head. "Neil's not a flit, you know."
"What about Todd?" joked Charlie. Normally, Neil would have stopped him with a searing glance, but he was preoccupied with thoughts of his own. He sat on a rock that surrounded the dead fire and stared into space.
"Oh, come on, Charlie," said Meeks, smiling.
"Naw, I'm serious, it would be interesting. I've never met a real live flit before." Charlie jumped off his perch and ambled over to Todd, holding a stick that he obviously intended to be a microphone. "Tell us, Mr. Anderson, when did you first realize your feelings for men? And also, do you find me attractive?" Charlie edged up to him and made suggestive wiggling motions with his eyebrows.
The boys choked with laughter. There were tears on Knox's face.
There were tears on Neil's face, too.
Todd's mouth hung open slightly, as if pleading for breath, and he looked over at Neil. The dark-haired boy did not meet his gaze.
Silently, willing himself to be slow, Todd picked up his notebook and walked out of the cave. He heard confused voices calling after him, but they blurred in his completely devastated brain. Sick freak, he thought silently, and ribbed himself with his notebook.
All the
sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint
You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for
One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more
I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize
"Well, what the hell was that about?" Charlie smiled his usual devilish smirk, and leaned back. The radio was still playing, now a song of mournful violins. "Pittsy, turn that piece of crap off."
"Huh?" Neil seemed to realize where he was again. "Oh. I don't know. You guys are always bugging him."
"Us?" Charlie looked incredulous. "We hardly say two words to the kid. You're the only one he talks to."
"He seemed pretty upset," Meeks observed.
"Oh, he's always got that look on his face," Charlie scoffed. "Looking like you're going to hit him or something. He's spineless."
"He's just shy," Knox defended Todd, and Neil looked at him in surprise.
"Yeah, well, shy or not, he gives off vibes." Charlie sat up a little, pointing his cigarette at Neil. "The way he danced with you just now; the way he's always looking at you with this adoring-dog face. He looked like he wants to lick your foot or something, for Christ's sake."
Or my neck, Neil thought automatically. "Lay off, Charlie."
Luckily it was late and dark, or Charlie, being sharp, would have immediately recognized the look on Neil's face. As it was, though, he just yawned. "Sure. Let's get back, okay? I'm dead."
The others murmured assent, and Meeks and Pitts gathered up the radio while Neil and Knox headed back. Charlie lagged behind.
"By the way, thanks," Knox said as they approached the school. "If I end up dancing with Chris, I'll definitely remember what you said."
"You're welcome," Neil said absently.
Knox glanced behind them, then leaned in closer. "Neil – did something happen while you two were dancing?"
Neil quickened his pace. "No; why d'you ask."
"Well, you froze, twice, and you were quiet right afterwards. Plus, he looked kind of upset. I mean more than usual." Knox's gaze bored into Neil, and he sighed.
"You might as well know," Neil said dully. "He kissed my neck."
Knox stopped in his tracks, then scrambled to catch up. "He what?"
"You heard me."
"I did, but that doesn't mean I believe it." Knox passed a hand over his forehead. "And I thought I was the one with problems."
Neil shot him an angry glance. "Just because he likes men doesn't mean he has a problem."
"No, I mean, he's obviously been worshipping you. The additional fact that he likes you – romantically – must be shit for him." Knox paused. "I mean, I'm practically dying over Chris. Todd has to sleep in the same room with you, and pretend to everyone that he's normal. If anyone found out, his life would be over. Expulsion, ostracizing…"
"And to compound it," Neil said disbelievingly, "the only person whom he's really friendly with has just utterly rejected him."
Knox nodded.
"You think he's really upset?"
Another nod.
"Shit," said Neil, and started to jog. Knox matched his pace while he mused aloud, "And shit."
"What?"
Neil glanced over at him, grimacing. "I think I liked it." He waited for Knox's reaction.
Knox laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. "Well, at least one of us is going to get some action in the near future, huh?"
"But Knox…" Neil trailed off, thinking. "That's a sin. The feelings he has for me are sinful, wrong…"
"Neil, he loves you." Knox shook his head. "Tell me how that's wrong."
And Neil Perry had nothing else to say.
Todd was curled under his covers, dreading the moment that Neil would enter the room, but unable to sleep it away. There was a ball of lead in his stomach as thoughts flew through his brain like ravens.
Why the hell did you do it? What were you thinking? You know what's going to happen now? Neil'll tell the guys, then Mr. Nolan. Then, after a lengthy investigation, it's expulsion, back to Balincrest. No; Balincrest wouldn't accept him with such a blight on his record. You'll go to public school, and the rumors and whispers will follow you there, too. Your mother's tired disappointed eyes, your father's sleepy old rage. No more best friend…no more Neil Despite all the horrible scenarios racing through his brain, that single thought was the worst. No more Neil. He fisted his hands and drove back the tears. Whatever happened, he would not face Neil with tears on his cheeks.
The door creaked open, then shut, and Neil's footsteps echoed quietly. The floorboards squeaked as he removed his shoes first; as he always did, then his coat, and hung it neatly. Todd had memorized his roommate's routine long ago. Next came the shirt and the pants. He would slip into a faded plaid pair of flannels and a white T-shirt, and then climb into bed, the floorboards on his side screeching, and murmur, "'Night, Todd."
This time, though, the floorboards on Todd's side of the room whined. Todd held his breath as he felt the bed shift beneath him and then Neil's hand was on his shoulder.
"You asleep, Todd?"
He sniffed. "Yeah."
"Can we talk?"
Slowly Todd rose. Unbidden silent tears were still rolling down his cheeks, and he cursed himself silently for not having the dignity to stop them. Neil sat awkwardly, his hands in his lap, and cleared his throat.
"Todd, it's sort of hard for me to say this…"
Todd gestured. "Go ahead. Tell me how sick I am, and how you're sorry but you have to rat on me, because it scares you to have me stalking you everywhere." He shuddered violently. "You think I don't know how disgusting I am, how horrible? There's nothing you can say to make me feel like shit; I am shit."
Neil gaped at him. "Todd, that's not – "
"So what'd you do, after I left? Probably made a huge joke out of it. That's all I am to you guys – poor Todd, with no social skills and no self-esteem. Until, of course, you find out that I love you and suddenly I'm some sort of predator…"
"Shut up, will you?" Neil said sharply, lifting his hand as if to hit him. "You're wrong. Okay? You're wrong."
Todd flinched away, eyes huge and frightened. Immediately Neil let his hand drop and moved closer, putting a comforting hand on Todd's knee. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated, that's all. Okay? I'm not going to hit you."
"You should," Todd whispered. "I'm sick."
"No you're not." Neil moved closer, his eyes growing intense and honest. "I'm not going to tell anyone, alright? Well," he said, as an afterthought, "I already told Knox, but he was okay. He won't tell either."
"Y-You're not going to get me kicked out?" Todd blinked, not comprehending, at him.
"Why the hell would I do that?"
"I kissed you."
"I liked it."
Todd shot him a look both fearful and dumbfounded. "Don't lie, Neil, please, I can't take it."
"I liked it," Neil repeated, moving closer, his eyes swallowing Todd's. He presented his throat, pale and thin, to Todd, trembling in anticipation.
Slowly Todd dipped his head, shaking too, and kissed him once, close-mouthed. And again. And again. And then he parted his lips and began to suck his neck, not timidly, as he had done before, but with passion and force, moving his mouth over Neil's adam's apple and up to his jaw line. Neil sighed and pressed into him, wrapping his long arms around Todd's warm upper body.
Then Todd pulled away, quaking, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. "Neil – I can't."
Puzzled, his body on fire, Neil reached out a questing hand. "Why?"
Todd flinched away. "Don't, Neil. I don't want to make you like me. It hurts, to be like me. You don't deserve to feel how I feel about myself. You're too wonderful."
Neil shook his head and inched closer. "Todd, you're wrong, okay? You're just – wrong." He ran his hand up and down Todd's side wonderingly. "Please kiss me," he asked, tone pleading.
Todd looked at him, and his eyes shimmered like blue stars in the faint moonlight.
Neil moved closer, and then, a sign of ultimate surrender, put his head on Todd's breast and placed a naïve, rough kiss on his shirt. "I'm yours," he promised.
Todd moaned and melted, taking Neil's mouth in his own. Neil shivered as sparks exploded behind his eyes – his father was so strict that he'd never even kissed anyone on the lips before. The only person to kiss him had been Great-Aunt Julie.
And she had definitely not kissed like this.
Todd thrummed with his mouth as he pressed into Neil, forcing him to the bed so that they lay side by side. His hands would not be still; they traveled up and down Neil's body, and soon the dark-haired boy was gasping and quaking. Todd stopped, a look of concern on his face, and he disengaged his mouth from Neil's.
"Neil – " he began, but Neil grabbed him back and kissed him, roughly, a crude imitation of Todd's practiced tongue. Todd groaned in his throat and pressed his hips into Neil, revealing his desire.
Neil was already hard; he'd been so, in varying degrees, ever since Todd had licked his neck on his bed. Knowing that he excited Todd also only pushed him further, but inexperienced as he was he could only whimper softly, "I want…"
"Yes…" Todd breathed in reply. "Whatever you want…" He reached down and gently edged Neil's flannels down, baring sensitive flesh to the air. Neil sucked in his breath as Todd reached down and began, as Neil had himself so many times before, to stroke Neil.
Never in his life of cheap porn magazines, whispered gossip and occasional beating off had Neil ever been able to vaguely imagine what it felt like to have Todd touching him. It was the feeling in his chest as he stepped out on a spring day; the exhilaration he felt when he heard Mr. Keating talk. It was exquisite and indescribable and oh God he was going to come, going to come, had to stop and warn Todd but he couldn'tandGoditfeltsogoodsogoodsogodohjesusTodd…
"Todd," he squeezed out from clenched teeth, and then he came.
Todd kissed him as he came, bringing him back from the abyss after orgasm, reassuring him and stopping the tears that usually came after he beat off. "I love you," Neil said, when he was able to speak.
The other boy sighed deeply in response and then his breath hitched as Neil reached to reciprocate Todd's attentions. It took slightly longer for him to come, and Neil marveled at his control, blushing at his own inadequacy. Certainly he had jerked off. But never another person, and he had no way of knowing whether or not Todd liked what he was doing, or he was just being typically Todd and going with the flow.
But he came, and he came hard, and Neil's fears were put to rest. He got tissues and cleaned them up, and then they lay in silence, in each other's arms.
"What time is it?" Todd murmured sleepily.
"Nearly three."
"God, we're going to be dead tomorrow."
"We'll find some way of keeping you awake," Neil replied, smiling wickedly. Todd grinned faintly, his eyes closed, and leaned forward to kiss him.
"Goodnight, Todd."
"Night, Neil."
There was a pause as Neil went back to his own bed, then a soft, "I love you."
"I love you too."
"Night."
"Night."
And as the bleak night drifted into bloodred morning, two of the boys at Welton Academy slept in absolute peace.