A/N: Written for the NFA Guilt Challenge. You will probably be shocked at this little oneshot if you know me and my writing at all...not because it's serious but because of who it's about. It's kind of a tag for Internal Affairs and Love and War.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS and I don't make money from writing these things. Any recognizable dialogue is the property of DPB, CBS, SB and anyone else officially involved in it. I'm not sure who is supposed to get the credit now. ...but it's not me. :)
Nothing Left of You
by Enthusiastic Fish
There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye
"Anthem of the Angels" by Breaking Benjamin
The clock struck midnight. The worst day of the year was over now. It was a relief. All that remained was to make his way back home and hope for a swift ebbing of the agony he always felt when this anniversary came around. He wondered how many more years the mere memory would hurt like it did. Was it any wonder he hadn't ever tried to have a real relationship before? It shouldn't be any wonder. Look at what happened when he tried.
He kicked the rocks in his path. He had been clumsy, cruel and had caused so much more pain than he had ever wanted to. If he had stopped to think for a few seconds, he would have realized that there was no happy ending to the story. Her life would have been destroyed whether he had loved her or not...but he certainly hadn't helped matters at all.
Oh, he had dreamed of a happy ending. He had dreamed of something beautiful, something perfect...something out of a fairytale. ...but that was all it had ever been: a fairytale. It hadn't been real, even when he had thought it was. It couldn't be because he hadn't been himself. That had turned their love into something out of a story, nothing more...but nothing less. As much as he could love her, he had. She had loved him much more...which had created a much deeper pain in her. Pain which had gradually turned to hatred.
That was what had hurt the most. That was what caused him the most guilt. She had been so kind, so gentle. Oh, she hadn't been perfect. He had almost made her perfect in his mind, but on this day, this anniversary, he could acknowledge that they hadn't really been well-matched. She was too possessive, too high maintenance for someone like him. She gave of herself freely...but she expected the same in return. Everyone had flaws, and his own flaws had been hidden in an effort to make her love him.
...and he had succeeded. That was the worst part.
The night was overcast and the wind moved the humid air around, giving him a slight chill while not managing to make it any cooler.
"Yeah, she was in love with me. We were in love... what else do you want to know?"
"How was it supposed to end?"
Nothing he could have done would have changed things...but he wished, oh how he wished he could have.
"Was any of it real?"
"No."
"I wish I'd never met you."
He wished the same thing. No one should have their lives torn to pieces like she had. There was no escaping the pain he remembered in her eyes. They had been almost dead when he had seen her before, but after that... He had ruined her life. She had tried to ruin his. He couldn't blame her for that, even if he had in the moment.
Had he really loved her? He wasn't actually sure now. Could real love have allowed such pain? Could real love have stood by and watched as her world fell apart? If real love could do that, he wasn't sure he wanted to feel it again because it was agonizing.
He had made a lot of mistakes in his life, especially in the area of relationships...but what he had done to her was the worst. She had almost been forced to care for him...and he had used that. Even now, he wasn't sure if they really could have gained anything from it. Was it really supposed to have helped anything? ...was it just an additional bit of revenge?
He didn't know. All he knew was that he would take away that pain he had caused if he could have. He would take back the things he had done which had changed her from the overly-compassionate, slightly-spoiled doctor she had been to the cold, withdrawn and hurt woman he had last seen in the elevator.
What he wanted to do was indulge in some heavy drinking to help him sleep and get away from this night...but he had promised himself that he wouldn't go that route again. He would just have to deal with it. Even if he stayed awake all night long. Drinking was his weakness...an escape that he would not use this time. That's why he was walking around the National Mall, not really seeing anything, just knowing that if he stayed here, he wouldn't get into trouble anywhere else.
"How was it supposed to end?"
"Like a fairytale," he said quietly. "It was supposed to end like a fairytale."
Maybe he would give up on trying staying away from drinking. Who was he trying to impress at 12:30 a.m.? No one. He started to turn toward where he'd parked his car.
"Tony?"
The voice surprised him.
"What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you."
"Why?"
An awkward pause.
"I was worried."
"About what?"
"You."
"Why?"
Awkward shifting of his feet.
"I'm sorry."
"About what?"
"That crack I made...before. I'm sorry."
Tony looked around. "How did you even know where I was?"
Definite awkwardness.
"Did you trace me, Probie?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"I didn't think about the date."
"Huh?"
"Today's date."
"Yesterday. Today is over. It's now tomorrow."
"Yeah. Whatever."
"How did you remember that?"
"I didn't."
Tony smiled. "Who put you up to this?"
"No one! ...but I was reminded of the time of year."
Tony looked around again.
"Am I out of line again?"
He thought about it. Hang out with Tim or get drunk by himself.
"No," he said, shaking his head. "You ever been here in the dark?"
Now, Tim smiled. "Yeah. Not often."
"How about we tour the monuments?"
A pause. "Is that what you want?"
For just that one time, Tony settled for being totally honest.
"No...but what I want can't happen. Might as well take second best."
"Okay."
They headed off. It took a long time, but Tim never complained, never suggested that it was a stupid idea, never implied that he would like to go home and sleep. They just walked side by side in silence.
"How was it supposed to end?"
That was the question that still went round and round in his head, demanding an answer. He had often wondered where Jeanne was and if she was happy now. He hoped so because he was afraid that he had ruined her chances for that.
"Time to go home, McGee."
"All right."
Again, no further conversation, just acquiescence. It took a while to get back to the cars. Tony noticed that Tim had parked right beside him. He smiled.
"Are you going to be okay, Tony?"
Tim was so openly earnest that it was almost laughable...only because the second option was to cry.
"Yes...eventually. Just need to get through the night."
"Will you?"
"It's almost over now," Tony said.
It was nearly four in the morning.
"True. You sure?"
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry about what I said."
"I was asking for it."
"Still shouldn't have said it."
"Yeah...I'll be fine. Going home to sleep."
"You sure?" The question had a different connotation to it now.
"Yes, Probie. I am tired."
"Doesn't mean you're going to sleep."
"Stop acting like a mother hen. I'm going home to sleep."
"Okay." Tim gave him a look that said he was completely unconvinced, but that he would accept the lie. "You can call me if you need to."
"I'll remember that."
Tim drove away and after a few minutes of contemplation, Tony did the same.
When he got home, he didn't go to bed...but he didn't drink either. He sat down on his couch and heard Fornell's voice one more time.
"How was it supposed to end?"
He remembered Jeanne...as he had first met her...and then as the elevator doors had closed on her.
"I wish I had never met you."
There was no other way it could have ended.
"It was supposed to end like a fairytale," he said softly.
FINIS!