"I do feel safe when I'm with you."
"You sure about that? Since being suspended, I'm not allowed to carry around the gun anymore." He wants to smile at the sound of her easy laughter but he keeps it in check.
"Not exactly what I meant. I guess comfortable is a better choice of words." She replies still smiling. "I can let my guard down around you."
He looks away knowing how easy it is to get sucked in by her beautiful smile. "Those walls you keep around yourself are pretty thick."
"You're one to talk."
"Touché." John says with a shrug. This time they both stare off in the distance. After a few moments of comfortable silence, John breaks it. "I get what you mean though. Something about you. I don't know. I feel like I can open up with you too."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"Don't. Can't be tough John all the time. I'm bound to slip up around someone. You just usually happen to be around."
"Gee thanks." Marty says with a poke to his shoulder. He looks at her then. She's smiling and he gets sucked in.
"I'm kidding." For some reason needing to reassure her just in case there was a small chance she took his words seriously.
"I know." Her firm reply making it clear it wasn't necessary after all. More silence follows. "Why do you need to be "tough John," and hide behind those walls?" The change in her tone alerts him that she's no longer being playful. She really wants to know. Only…
"I don't know. Guess its just human nature." He says with another shrug. "You do it too remember"
Marty nods. It's true. There's more silence. This time longer before John breaks it again.
"So why do we do it?"
"You're asking me?"
"You're the shrink."
"Touché." The playfulness is back but only for a moment. "But it's like you said. A way of hiding and protecting ourselves from what we're afraid might get in…or out. It has its uses but it can be dangerous. I might be in prison now if I hadn't remembered what really happened the night Spencer was murdered. Another thing I can thank you for."
"Oh don't thank me. You said it was that guard slamming that perp against the wall that triggered your memory. If that hadn't have happened you might not have remembered."
"But you had already figured out that it was Lindsay so I still would have been freed even if I hadn't remembered what really happened." She argues back. "So again…thank you."
They both smile. John because her appreciation really does mean a lot to him although he'd never tell her. Marty because she finds this man so difficult at times but can't seem to help herself from being drawn to him.
More silence follows.
"It's crazy though." John says suddenly
"What is?"
"How a bump to the head could knock a chunk of your life out like that. A rather crucial chunk too and then just like that a random incident with a lowlife and a guard could bring it all back."
"Well it wasn't the bump to my head that made me forget what happened with Truman, it was more like what we talked about before. " John's look tells her to continue. "About putting up walls to protect ourselves from things we'd rather not face. My mind was just protecting me."
"From what?" He asks genuinely curious. But when she remains silent he nods. She's trained to get inside people's head. It must be a nightmare for her not knowing what was going on in her own.
"Do you think you'll ever even know?"
"It's not that. I do know." John looks at her in surprise. "I'm a shrink remember. Self-diagnosis is an occupational hazard." His expression becomes more puzzled so Marty continues softly. "No. What happened with Spencer. It just brought up a lot of bad memories." He watches her wrap her arms around her self and wants to reach out to her but before he does she's speaking again. "Walking in on him with Blair about to…hurt her. And then the way he came at me…so full of rage. I mean he slammed me around that room like I was a rag doll." Marty grimaces at her choice of words when they conjure up an image of a blow-up doll at a party a lifetime ago. "He was too strong for me and when he threw me on the bed, I think that's when I started to shut down and just block what was happening out."
She sees John's growing look of concern and quickly shakes her head before continuing;
Needing to get this out for some reason.
"He didn't…rape me but being that helpless and overpowered by an angry man brought me back to that night when they…I mean I have no problem saying that I was raped but that's because I no longer associate the word with the memory of it like I did when it first happened. But I still can't let myself think about…that night. Even after all these years, I still fall apart at the memory of what they did to me. And Spencer forced me to relive that night with what he was doing to Blair and how he came at me. So my mind protected me. It wouldn't let me remember the spring fling or what happened with Spencer. It just put up those walls."
"I'm sorry." And he was. "I didn't mean to bring those memories back."
"It's okay. I'm fine." She gives him a small smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes before turning away. "It's just something I have to deal with every now and then. And like I said, I feel comfortable around you." She looks at him. "Safe."
John stares back and then pulls her into his arms where she goes willingly and feels safe.
The End