"-bitch!" Emma finished.
"Geez, Ma! Watch your language!" Brent said jokingly, "You don't want to set a bad example."
"There's no one around!" she protested.
"I'm here," Hank pointed out, leaning over the cafe booth.
"Exactly: there's no one here!" Oscar huffed.
Lacey meandered across the room with a carafe in her hand.
"Oh, be nice, guys," she hummed, refilling their cups, "Hank's part of the reason our town is still alive and kicking!"
Brent scoffed.
"Yeah, but most of the time, he's responsible for the opposite."
Hank frowned.
"Oh, yeah? Name one thing I've screwed up!"
"You blew up a tractor," Wanda reminded him.
"Other than that."
"You burned down a shed," Brent added.
"Anything else?" Hank asked.
"You blew up a salad!" Oscar hissed.
Brent raised his finger.
"Uh, no, Dad. I'm pretty sure that was you."
"Jackass!"
"Oh, lay off the poor guy!" Lacey said sympathetically, "He's an integral part of our community, no matter how hazardous he is for our health. Besides, he brings us the one thing we lack in this small town . . ."
"A sense of friendly municipality?" Brent asked.
"A decent plumbing system?" Wanda added.
"Pickup trucks?" Oscar wondered.
Lacey put her hands on her hips.
"No! Excitement. Hank brings with him a certain . . . spontaneity."
"I wouldn't use a word like 'spontaneous' to describe Hank," Wanda remarked, "Unless you're talking about combustion."
"Hey, that is not fair!" Lacey argued, "We owe most of our surprises to Hank, good and bad."
She placed the carafe on the table.
"Besides, nothing unexpected ever happens in Dog River!"
At that precise moment, a giant flaming rock tumbled out of the sky and landed messily in front of The Ruby. When the dust cleared, the gang leaned forward to examine the smoking crater.
"I dunno," Brent hummed as he turned around, "That seemed pretty unexpected . . ."
***TSCGFEW***
You can tell me that your dog ran away.
Then tell me that it took three days.
I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say.
You think there's not a lot goin' on.
Look closer, baby, you're so wrong.
And that's why you can stay so long.
Where there's not a lot goin' on.
***TSCGFEW***
A half-hour later, the whole town gathered around the glowing, green meteorite. Davis and Karen had set up a perimeter of police tape to keep the crowd at bay.
"Alright, folks, nothing to see here!" Davis declared with authority as he pounded his nightstick against his palm. Karen frowned.
"Davis, there's a giant, smoking meteor in the ground. That seems like 'something' to me."
Davis turned around in offense.
"It's a figure of speech."
On the other side of the hole, Mayor Fitzy was trying his best to calm down the masses. He raised his hands in a preemptive defense as he stood behind the podium that Lacey had set up.
"Alright, everyone, there's no need to panic," he began, "We've had unidentified flying objects land in our fields before, so this is nothing new."
"Yeah, but the way Gus writes about it, you'd think it was the event of the century," Karen remarked flatly.
***TSCGFEW***
"Extraterrestrial Armageddon: Mass Extinction To Follow!"
***TSCGFEW***
"Someone really needs to fire him," Davis hummed.
Over at the podium, Fitzy was trying to appease the restless crowd.
"We've called the proper authorities, and they'll be on their way in . . ."
He looked at his wrist.
". . . an hour."
"You're not wearing a watch!" someone shouted from the audience.
"Be that as it may . . ." Fitzy continued, ". . . a crew of competent scientists will be arriving shortly to study this rock. In the meantime, we need to keep the area secure."
Suddenly, a shrill scream came from the audience. A woman pointed to the meteorite, which had begun to rock back and forth. As the shaking grew fiercer in nature, a tiny, feathered head poked out of one of the cracks in the rock.
'SCREET!' it chirped.
The head was joined by two more, and then another five. Soon, thirteen bird-like creatures stepped out of the meteor.
"What are they?" a woman asked.
Wanda, who had been chewing on a string of red licorice, stepped forward.
"Bambiraptor feinbergi. It's a dinosaur that went extinct millions of years ago."
Fitzy frowned.
"So, why are they in a meteor?"
Wanda shrugged.
"I don't know. I'm not an expert in metaphysical astronomy."
The bambiraptors chirped and began to patter around in different directions. Like brown pigeons, they pecked at scraps of food and litter.
"Hey! They're kind of cute!" Davis gushed.
"That's what they said about Jurassic Park, and you know how THAT turned out . . ." Wanda hummed.
"This has nothing to do with Jurassic Park!" Davis protested, "These animals are perfectly safe."
To prove his point, he picked up one of the raptors. It chirruped pleasantly.
"See? They're harmless."
Fitzy picked up another bambiraptor by the tail.
"Harmless or not, we can't let them get loose in town. They'll harm the local ecosystem."
Wanda frowned.
"Didn't you release pythons on Centennial Street to get rid of that family of raccoons?"
"He did," Davis said grimly, "Luckily, I had humane traps on standby."
"That's a good point . . ." Karen interjected, "Did we ever find that last python?"
Fitzy sputtered.
"Guess what? I've just decided that everyone gets a free bambiraptor!"
***TSCGFEW***
Brent wiped his glasses with a small cloth. When he was sure that he had rubbed the fingerprints away, he slid them over his nose. Standing in front of him was a tiny creature with creamy-brown feathers.
"Okay . . . Maybe I need to clean these again . . ."
Wanda slid the animal across the counter.
"Don't bother. This little critter's all mine. I'm studying him for scientific purposes."
Brent narrowed his eyes.
"Uh-huh, and how do you plan to keep it alive?"
Wanda scoffed.
"What? You think I can't handle the responsibility of being a pet-owner?"
"Well, you DID manage to 'off' those electronic dogs pretty quick . . ."
"That was a completely different situation," Wanda mumbled, "This time, I won't make the same mistakes."
"Is that why you let him get away?" Brent asked.
Wanda searched the table.
"Goddamn it!"
***TSCGFEW***
Lacey shrieked as another dinosaur skidded across the floor.
"Ah! Josh, get rid of these things!"
The cook stared at the bambiraptors, who were scurrying to and fro.
"Sorry, Lacey. I only deal with rats . . . and occasionally llamas."
She growled in frustration.
"Can't anybody get rid of these things?!"
Hank strolled through the door.
"I can take care of your pest problem."
Lacey blinked.
"Anybody else? . . ."
"See, this is just like in that one episode of Star Trek," Hank reasoned, "The Tribbles are running amok, and the only way to stop them is to poison the grain."
Lacey's eyes went wide.
"Hank, we live in Saskatchewan. Grain is our main export. We can't poison it."
"Yeah, and aren't bambiraptors carnivores?" Josh asked.
"Only technically," Hank interjected.
"What other way IS there?" Lacey snapped, "Hank, you can't poison the grain."
Hank snorted nobly.
"Not with that attitude."
"Good. Let's keep it that way!" Lacey grumbled.
Davis entered the cafe with his hat in his hands. It was full of bambiraptors.
"If you want to get rid of those dinosaurs, I could grab a few . . ."
Lacey sighed.
"Davis, you can't just take care of a flock of bambiraptors! They're nothing like mice or squirrels-"
"What about owls?" Davis interjected, "Owls are birds. Dinosaurs are almost birds. I've taken care of owls. I can take care of dinosaurs."
Lacey rubbed her forehead.
"This isn't going to end well."
Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, The Phantom of the Opera burst through the door.
"Hey, guys! I need you to do me a favor . . ."
Everyone froze. Lacey dropped her carafe. The Phantom of the Opera blinked, then snapped his fingers.
"Oh, right! You lost your memory after that interdimensional incident involving my half-cousin. She's dead now, by the way. She was beheaded by a giant, blue tiger, who is also her grandfather."
Nobody said a word. They didn't so much as move a muscle.
"Anyway, I need you to help me build a giant wooden replica of Victor Hugo so that we can fight an army of animatronic space-pirate cannibals."
Still, no one moved. The Phantom of the Opera tapped his foot.
"Can we stop being so comatose, here? I need your help. Is anyone gonna join me?"
Hank shook his head.
"Sorry, man. I'm booked. I have tickets to Raptorman 5. Can't miss a thing like that."
Davis cleared his throat.
"I have to take care of the bambiraptors."
The Phantom of the Opera frowned.
"What bambiraptors?"
Davis looked down. There was a large snake slithering across the floor, and it had eighteen dinosaur-shaped bumps in its stomach.
"Oh, so THAT'S where the last python went . . ." Hank laughed.
For a moment, there was silence. Then, Lacey screamed at the top of her lungs.
"WHAT THE F-"
***TSCGFEW***
I don't know . . .
The same things that you don't know . . .