The Barrel
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest
loss is what dies inside us while we live."
It was dark in that barrel. Not the kind of darkness that comes from there being lack of light. This blackness was wholly of another kind. It was tangible, living and breathing, and stretched on for eternity. It choked out all hope of sunshine and immediately obliterated ones senses until one felt that their entire lives had been just this stuffy bitter darkness.
It was like the darkness in him.
Pain was carved like a canyon whose depth could never be measured because it kept tunneling down, down, down into his heart. Nor could it ever be bridged because it was closed in on both sides by cliffs which led to nowhere but despair.
Sasuke, half conscious, felt almost comfortable in that cold darkness, with his legs bent awkwardly against his chest and his spine pressed into the hard wood sides. There was a pain from the pill he had taken that seared him to the very core. It was so painful that he almost didn't even feel it and it cradled him like a second home or an ache that had become far too familiar. His fears and doubts, lying at the back of his mind, curled and shifted, twisting into shapes and figures before his blind eyes– black shadows against the nothingness.
He did not feel the barrel he was in moving, carried in turns by Orochimaru's minions as they tried to lose those who were so desperately trying to bring him back. He didn't hear his friend's shouts, or the battles that ensued over him. He was oblivious, in his own world. In that world, all there was was quiet and the growing sense of power within him, like a beast within a cage. And then darkness. Always the darkness. Sasuke soon became convinced that those things were all he ever really needed. What of friends? Of happiness?
Meaningless. All of it.
But then the shadows seemed to grow around him, and color seemed to bleed into the pictures playing before his eyes. The colors were faded, as if from memories long past.
Sasuke…
"Who is it?"
Sasuke…
"What do you want from me?"
Sasuke…how could you leave? How could you do this to me? To us?
And voices echoed in his head, his mother, his father, Sakura, Kakashi, Naruto…
Sasuke…
They called as one to him. Begging, pleading. Their faces changed and shifted, one into the other.
First Naruto then Sakura.
Lee and Shikamaru.
Neji and Chouji.
Ino and Iruka.
Kakashi and that old lady who lived beside him.
Tsunade and Jiraiya.
That old man who gave him tomatoes at the market.
His mother. His father.
Faces. So many faces. And they were all calling to him.
Sasuke…
Sasuke…
SASUKE!
And he could see his life flashing before his eyes.
A boy sitting on his brother's shoulders.
A mother singing a lullaby.
Sitting on the dock, looking out on the water.
Team 7, when they first tried to get the bells from Kakashi.
Nonexistent teamwork. No strategy.
Fights with Naruto.
Stupid dobe.
Missions…so many missions. To buy groceries and to find fat cats stuck in trees.
Smiles. Laughter. Always laughter.
He was smiling too.
A sunrise. A sunset.
Sparring against Kakashi.
Learning the Chidori, and feeling control and power surging through his hands.
Getting the report card at the Academy. He was number one again.
A father's acceptance. I knew you were truly my child.
Trying ice cream for the first time.
A cherry blossom festival, sitting under the blanket and looking up at the petals falling down.
Peace.
Fireworks over water.
Battles…many battles.
Sweat and blood and tears.
Rage and adrenaline fuelling the fight.
The shrill sound of a kunai slicing through the air.
Sakura, crying for him.
Climbing trees with Naruto.
Sasuke…
Who am I now?
You are our friend, our son, our beloved, our student, our friend, our brother, our comrade.
Sasuke come back….
But then another voice breaks in. It is loud and full of hate, drowning out all the others by the spite and the steel in its tones.
"Foolish little brother... If you wish to kill me, hate me, curse me, and survive in an unsightly way. Run, run and cling to your pitiful life."
Kill me…
Hate me…
Curse me…
Cling to your pitiful life…
Blood. So much blood.
Terror. Absolute mind numbing terror.
Disbelief. Onii-chan…how could you?
He was young again. And running.
MAMA! PAPA! WHERE ARE YOU?
Eyes gazed up at him from broken bodies. Unseeing.
He was screaming….falling…falling…
Kill me…
Hate me…
Curse me…
Cling to your pitiful life…
Power throbbed beneath his veins, the darkness all-consuming.
"Hate you..Curse you? Kill you? Who? WHO ARE YOU?"
The answer came in a whisper.
Your brother.
Uchiha Itachi.
And his heart seemed to break and from it poured a bile as black as the darkness inside that barrel, running down his entire being. Blood no longer flowed in his veins, replaced by a pulsing, all consuming hatred.
"Brother. I must kill my brother."
Hate me…
It was then Sasuke knew who he was again. An avenger.
Sasuke..
Nobody would stand in his way.
Sasuke..
And he would kill anyone who did.
Sasuke..
"WHAT!" he cried into the darkness.
A light blazed, not from within him but seemingly beyond.
A flower. He saw a flower.
Sakura turned to face him with a tear stained face. "Sasuke, come back."
Fire. He saw fire.
"BAKA! BAKA BAKA BAKA! GET YOUR FAT BUTT BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK IT!" Naruto yelled at him with a grin.
Silver. He saw quicksilver.
"We'll train together Sasuke. You'll become stronger," Kakashi called out.
HATE me…
CURSE me..
KILL me..
The voice came back louder now, insistent.
The flower wilted and died. The fire went out. The quicksilver dulled to a rusted grey.
There is hope…
No. No hope. Not anymore.
Then it was just the darkness again. And somehow, Sasuke knew it was time.
----------------------------
Purple smoke sizzled and curled into the air.
Two enemies stood silent in the glade until..
"GIVE SASUKE BACK!" Naruto yelled.
---------------------------
And the lid came off.
Sunlight flooded into the barrel.
Light..so much light…
He stepped out, ignoring the tingling in his arms and legs from being cramped so long.
He stared at his hands. Were they really his? So pale. Strong. Callused. He had not seen them for so long in the darkness.
"SASUKE!" a voice called, but it sounded far far away. It was almost familiar.
Then he threw back his head and started to laugh. The power was his, he could feel it lapping away happily at his insides, ready to blow the next person that stood in his way to smithereens. Glee flooded him at the thought. Destruction. Chaos. Almost as good as the darkness.
"SASUKE!"
Sasuke? That name was familiar too.
Was it his? Certainly not.
He had no name now.
Sasuke…we need you.
His mind pushed away the last memory of those voices.
He needed no one.
He did not exist except for one sole purpose.
For this very reason, and no other, he inhaled air into an otherwise empty body.
Revenge.
Hate me..
Curse me..
Kill me..
Run…run…
Cling to your pitiful life..!
--
And then he ran.