Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ as Link will tell you in a few moments.

It was a lovely day in Hyrule, and Link (also known as the Hero of Hyrule, Hero of Time, Sworn Brother of the Gorons, Hero of the Essences of Time and Nature, Hero of Winds, Hero of Men, Hero Chosen by the Gods, Hero Chosen by the Ocean King, and probably a lot more titles no one remembered) sat musing over his newfound ability to break the fourth wall. Suddenly, there was the sound of hooves, and Link raised his head to see one of Zelda's knights. "Hero, it's urgent! The Princess Zelda has been abducted by the evil Ganondorf!"

Link sighed. "Again?"

"You must rescue her!"

Link yawned. "Whatever."

The knight's eyes widened. "This is an urgent matter! The princess has been captured by Ganondorf!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, you know…I've rescued her a bazillion times, and guess what? She's never being tortured by Ganon; she's never injured. She's never dead; she's never in any real danger. I mean, all the time it takes me to travel all over Hyrule, and nothing ever happens to her! And why does Ganon always kidnap her? Why doesn't he just kill her? Then, Hyrule will collapse because there won't be a leader."

The knight looked astonished beyond words. "B-but…"

"And you know what? She can teleport. Why doesn't she just teleport away? Why doesn't she just shoot a bunch of light at him? She can even fight! Why doesn't she fight him? How does this always happen?"

"Ganondorf is very powerful—"

Link ignored him and continued his rant. "And you know what? I rescue her tons of times, and guess what I get? I've been kissed, like, twice. Twenty plus long years of saving her over and over, and that's all I get! What's the moral of this? Be a great hero, save your country, help the princess, and you still won't get laid?"

"Um…"

"I mean, does she like me or what? And everyone treats her like some super special goddess…or something, and there are no other love interests! I am the only possible love interest besides Ganondorf, and we never do anything! I save her, go through hordes of monsters to save her, and all I get is 'thank you'? If I wanted someone to thank me, I'd go herd goats or something!"

"Sir, you've only rescued the princess once," the knight slowly said.

"Oh, that's right. You can't break the fourth wall, and why is she always a princess? I mean, her parents are almost either never seen or killed, and yet, she's always a princess! She never becomes a queen! I never help her after she becomes queen, either. And why do I have to help the princess anyway? Do you know what a normal person would do if he or she was told the country's princess was kidnapped by a psychopathic Lord of Darkness? They'd say 'Oh, that's too bad! I hope she returns safely!' No one jumps up and thinks, 'I must save her!'"

"But…but you're the hero."

"So?"

"It's your job to save her!"

"Yeah, and she's the princess; it's her job to employ better security! I mean, doesn't Hyrule have an army? Where are they? I mean, come on!"

"Um…hero, shouldn't we go save…?"

"Why don't you go save her? She's got the Triforce of Wisdom, so you'd think she'd have figured out how to avoid being captured by now!"

"But if you don't, the evil Ganondorf will take over, and there will be darkness all over!"

"I'm the hero. I can't die! It doesn't matter to me!"

"But…"

"And guess what's most annoying? Everyone calls it 'The Legend of Zelda'—not the 'Legend of Link'. This idiot was playing the game and called me Zelda! I'm not even a girl, and my name isn't Zelda! I mean, do I look like a Zelda to you?"

"Um, no, but…"

"Exactly! But whatever…I guess I'd better go save her even though I know she's going to be fine."

"Um…very good. You'll need to retrieve the Master Sword, which is behind the temple locked by the Seven Sacred Stones—"

"What? But I already got the Master Sword!"

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did!"

"Well, perhaps, a previous reincarnation of yours stuck it in the temple."

"But why? I mean, if only the hero can use the sword, what is the point of hiding it in the most bizarre, difficult place in all of Hyrule?"

"Still, it's not safe. Here: take this wooden sword!"

"A wooden sword? How am I going to destroy evil with a wooden sword? I'm seventeen; I can use a sword!"

"A great journey lies ahead…"

"Right. Of course it does. Fine. I'll go save her first thing in the morning."

There was a loud rumbling as Hyrule Castle exploded. Link swore. "Fine, fine. I'm going."