SLASH BACKSLASH ONE-SHOT CONTEST
Story Name: Freedom
Pen name: Taenar
Pairing: Edward & Jasper
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, character names, nor any recognizable settings. It is also not my intention to offend anyone by this story due to his/her religious views.
To see other entries in the "SLASH BACKSLASH" contest, please visit the C2: .net/c2/68069/3/0/1/
"Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake.
It is not easy.
It is not a gift given, but a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one. The road goes upward towards the light; but the laden traveler may never reach the end of it."
U.K. LeGuin, Tombs of Atuan
o()()()o
Bella tangles her fingers in the hair at the back of my head and presses her soft lips to mine. It feels... nice, I guess.
And wrong.
As always.
"I miss you already" she sighs against my lips. "I'll miss... this". "Me too" – I whisper back and then freeze. Shame and guilt and just... sheer misery flood me as she gazes at me quizzically. "Liar!" – screams a high-pitched voice in my head. Sure as hell I will miss her, but kissing her...
"What's wrong, Edward?"
"Nothing" – I lie again. "I – I don't know". Another lie. I do know. I have known for exactly one month, three weeks and five days. I have known since the very moment I first set my eyes on him.
o()()()o
Somehow it had never occurred to me before – or rather, I guess I must had been very good at lying to myself, pushing the inconvenient facts away and refusing to combine them into the true picture. And to be honest, I had some good reasons for it. My family was devotedly Catholic and the first time I can remember hearing the word 'homosexual', was in the context that homosexual people should not be allowed to get married. The first time I can remember hearing the word 'sex' was in the context that you shouldn't do it until you're married. I didn't understand much of it back then but 2 plus 2 made 4 and I got the message: whoever these homosexual people exactly were, and whatever this sex thing exactly was, they should definitely not do it.
At 16, I began to have my questions and doubts about some religion-related issues but I never really questioned any of the moral teachings of the Church. So when I started dating Bella, our physical relationship never went further than chaste kisses and hugs and hand-holding, and it was surprisingly easy to keep it at this level… tooeasy. When I finally realized I didn't actually feel like doing anything more with her physically, I was slightly worried. I pushed the worries away, however, because I felt happy with her. She was smart and pretty and caring, and I cared a whole lot about her, too. We laughed at the same things, loved the same books and – mostly – the same movies. We could talk for hours about everything or just sit together in silence, absolutely comfortable with each other's presence. What more could there be to a relationship?
The bubble burst the first day of our senior year of high school.
The whole town had been talking about Dr Maria Whitlock Hale, a new surgeon in our hospital, who moved to Forks all the way from Austin with her family - so I wasn't surprised to see two new kids enter our school cafeteria during lunchtime. The girl was a real beauty, I noticed, with a model's body and shiny blond hair down to her waist.
And then I looked at her brother.
It felt as if all of my blood rushed between my legs. My heart missed a beat and suddenly I was gasping for air.
Seconds later, when I regained some sort of composure, I shot a quick glance around, feeling incredibly thankful that a person sitting next to me was my brother instead of Bella who would immediately notice that something was going on. Emmett didn't actually seem to notice anything apart from the Hale girl. I guess I could have found it amusing in a way – we were twins falling for another pair of twins, at the very same moment – but I was anything but amused.
It was like finding that one missing piece of puzzle that finally makes sense of the whole picture.
The picture was painfully clear.
I was a freak, with sick cravings („…tradition has always declared that homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered. They are contrary to the natural law.").
I hadn't even realized I remembered this quote from the Catechism, but I did – and it fucking hurt.
I would have to be single ("Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection").
Or would I?
I decided to fight back. I didn't say anything to Bella and I acted as if nothing had happened. I tried to avoid him as much as I could. It was difficult though, because his sister and my brother had been practically inseparable ever since Emmett asked Rosalie out this very first day. So I trained myself to ignore the emotions that flooded me each time I saw him or heard him speaking (he turned out to be intelligent and witty on top of being beautiful, which only made things worse for me). I convinced myself I could stay with Bella and just... be normal.
Weeks passed and my life felt more and more surreal – like I was watching myself acting on some kind of scene, rather than actually being myself.
One night I woke up just after 2 am with an intense feeling of pleasure that quickly gave way to shame when I realized that I had a hand tucked into my pajama pants which were sticky and moist.
That was the first night I dreamt about Jasper Hale.
After the third one, I decided I needed a break.
o()()()o
"So, are you finally going to tell me what the problem is?" Esme asked, taking a seat next to me at the terrace of her house in Manaus.
Esme Platt was my mother's older sister, a professor of mathematics and one of my favorite persons in the world. Her CV could serve as a basis for a good movie. In her youth, she was a rebel, a drug addict, and a victim of an abusive boyfriend she eventually escaped from when three months pregnant. When her baby died shortly after birth, she jumped off the cliff to kill herself. A British doctor, Carlisle Cullen, who operated on her after that and saved her life, helped her to 'find a way back to living in accord with the world', as she once put it. They fell in love and got married (she refused to take his surname though, calling it a sexist tradition). They adopted two little girls, Alice and Cynthia. For years, it seemed like Esme's life, after her troubled past, became a picture of perfection. Reality came crushing back when one day she arrived from work to find her older daughter - 15 at the time –standing in the middle of the living room with wide, unfocused eyes, whispering "their coming for us, their coming..." Alice had a psychotic attack.
I was a little kid back then but I'll never forget the moment I saw my favorite big cousin for the first time since she'd become ill – she looked like a shadow of the vibrant, happy girl I'd known before and it scared me to death. It took three years for her to come back to normal, but she did. Years later, when she got a PhD position in tropical ecology, based in Brazil, the whole Platt-Cullen family decided to move with her, to be close and make sure she was fine. They'd lived in Manaus for two years already, Carlisle working at a hospital and Esme…
"Did my sister forget to teach you how rude it is not to answer your auntie's questions?" Esme poked me in the shoulder and winked at me. "Seriously, boy, I'm starting to worry about you. What's wrong?"
"Why do you think something's wrong?" I muttered, avoiding her gaze.
She snorted.
"I've known you since you were a baby, Edward. I can see something's up. Besides...I do believe you want to learn Portuguese, and I'm very happy to have you here, but leaving school for a month during your senior year is decidedly unlike the normal you. Seems to me like you're running from something." She shot me a piercing look, and I cringed. She sighed. "I don't want to be nosy, though. I'll leave you alone if you don't want to talk about it, but I'm here if you do..."
"Thanks, Esme" - I said, looking down at my lap. "I do want to talk to you, that's really why I came here, I guess. It's just..." I took a deep breath, deciding I could as well get it over with. "I think I'm in
love or something and…" I was trying to force the rest of the words through my mouth but I kind of choked on them and stopped, frustrated.
Esme waited for a minute or two. "In love, as in: with someone else than your girl?" she finally asked.
"Yeah, and I... and it's... I mean... It's a guy" – I managed, feeling my cheeks burning, my throat becoming ash-dry, and my hands clenching into fists on their own accord.
Yeah, cry like a fucking baby, you fairy - I thought as I felt my eyes stinging with tears, trying to will them away.
I felt Esme's hand on my shoulder and looked up to meet her gaze. I feared to see the expression of shock or pity, but of course this was Esme. She just looked at me with serious eyes, waiting.
"I don't know what to do" I said desperately, shaking my head.
"What do you feel like doing?"
I blushed again, shame my dominant emotion at the thought of what exactly I felt like doing every time I saw Jasper.
"It's too...embarrassing and disgusting to even talk about " I mumbled.
"You want him" she observed, and my cheeks burned a little more. "That's neither embarrassing nor disgusting, Edward."
I only gaped at her.
"You said you're in love with him. It's natural to want someone you're in love with."
I gaped at her some more.
"Whatever" I finally said. "It's still… wrong, isn't it?"
"Do you feel it's wrong?" she asked.
"That's what I was taught" I said. Wasn't it rather obvious? We were Catholics, for Christ's sake.
"That's not what I'm asking. Do you feel it's wrong?"
"I don't know, Esme - that's how I was raised, you know that! That's what our religion teaches. How else would I know something is wrong? Or right?"
"Well", she said, her eyes thoughtful, "that's a very good question. It's not easy - mostly. But I wouldn't leave it to any institution to decide for you. Nor to any other person, for that matter. Why would they know what's right while you don't?"
"From...God?"
"You think so?"
Well, there it was. I'd had doubts about it for a while already. If all Church's teachings came from God, then apparently He must had been changing His mind considerably over the centuries – from holy wars to ecumenism, from allowing slavery to condemning it, from forbidding autopsies to allowing organ transplants. But still...
"I have to have something to refer to, no? I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to know what's right?" I blurted out and bit my tongue one moment too late to stop the word you shouldn't really say in the presence of your aunt.
But this was Esme, so she just smirked at me and answered in a casual tone "That's a fucking good question, I told you already".
"Fine, but where's the good answer? It's not like you can use calculus to find a solution, is it?"
She laughed.
"Well, that would be nice, certainly" she said. "But no, unfortunately I'm not aware of any mathematical solutions to morality issues." Her eyes grew serious again. "The only thing I can tell you in this respect is to use your brain and think about the consequences of whatever you're doing. That's how I'm trying to act, anyway."
"Consequences?"
"Yeah, consequences for others... and for yourself. Rather than taking for granted that something's right or wrong because that's what you were taught, try to ask yourself why it would be right or wrong." She looked me in the eye. "Why do you think it would be wrong if you had a boyfriend?"
My stomach twisted and my face burned again. She took me completely off guard. This idea has never even crossed my mind before. It seemed so crazy and out of question that I couldn't really get my head around it.
Esme looked at her watch and then at me apologetically. "I hate leaving you at this point of this particular conversation, but I have a lecture in half an hour. We'll talk again later, OK?"
o()()()o
"Hi" she said nervously.
Why was she nervous? I, on the other hand... nervous would be an understatement of the year if I was to describe how I felt. I'd been relieved when Bella had e-mailed me saying she wouldn't be able to pick me up from the airport, but now she was here and there was no postponing of what I needed to tell her.
Hours of discussions with Esme didn't bring me much peace of mind. First, she shocked the hell out of me by questioning the one thing which had seemed obvious to me about my whole shitty situation: that wanting another guy was bad, something I needed to fight against. It was quite obvious that she thought otherwise, but she wouldn't openly say it to me either, and refused every single time I'd ask her for actual advice about what I should do. Instead, she kept challenging me with questions: "why do you think it's wrong?" "why do you think it's right?" and "what do you feel like doing?" over and over again.
When I finally lost my nerve one day and asked her whether she considered herself my family or some fucking shrink, she gave me a long look. "It's generally easier to just follow the rules someone else set up for you rather than make your own choices, but I think that's a little miserable and can be dangerous" she said. "That's why I tried to make you question some of the things you'd been taught. But I didn't do that in order to replace them with my ideas, Edward. I won't live your life for you. No one will. So no one can tell you how to live it."
Rationally, I knew she was right about it but at the same time, it was all really fucking confusing. I couldn't picture myself in a relationship with a guy. It felt wrong...dirty. Yeah, definitely wrong. To the question what exactly was wrong about it I had no answer though.
It bugged me. It confused me. It pissed me off to no end.
So much for getting help from Esme.
Her talking about "thinking about the consequences" made me realize one thing though: I definitely had to tell Bella what was going on. It was beyond unfair from my part to keep her in this relationship with me without explaining how I really felt.
I honestly hadn't thought about it before – I guess I'd been too busy doing the right thing and pushing my wrong feelings away... how ironic was that?
So here I was, looking in Bella's brown eyes, searching for words I hated to have to say.
"I have to tell you something" I blurted out. If you don't do this immediately, you might never work up the balls to do it at all.
"I should have told you earlier... I'm sorry... I'm... I think..." I was stuttering and getting more and more pissed off with myself. "I'm gay, Bella" I finally managed, looking at my shoes.
Silence.
I chanced a glance at her. Her face was blank.
"How long... have you known that?" she asked in a voice that sounded completely unfamiliar.
"A while." I fixed my gaze on my shoes again. "Since September".
When she spoke again, her voice was frighteningly calm.
"And why didn't you tell me then?"
"I-I was afraid you would break up with me and I... I wanted to be with you. I don't want to be gay." Only once the words left my mouth, I realized how stupid they'd sounded.
"You don't want to be gay" she repeated, a bitter sarcasm clear in her voice. "So, what – you thought you could just stop? By staying with me?"
I looked at her and her face was a picture of fury. I didn't dare answer.
"You know what, Edward? I came over here feeling all guilty, to tell you that I kissed someone when you were gone. I don't know what came over me, but... I felt lonely and generally shitty because not only you were away, but you'd been acting kind of strange for over a month before you went to Brazil, and you would never tell me why... or even admit it... and I... well, you have no idea how I felt. Anyway... I felt so fucking guilty about cheating on you, even though it was only a kiss... and now? You're telling me you'd been keeping something like that from me for months? That you'd been basically using me as some freakish straightening therapy tool? Didn't you think I should at least have a say on that?"
Before I had a chance to say something – if I knew what to say, anyway – she turned on her heel and left my room, slamming the door.
o()()()o
She wouldn't talk to me at all during the next week. The Hales were away and I was thankful for that. The next Friday, Emmett dragged me to the party at his friend's house. He was talking some nonsense about me needing to catch up with everyone and I was feeling too numb to oppose. I ended up drinking and smoking way too much. I was already quite drunk and sitting by myself in the corner of a room – people had given up on trying to talk to me already awhile before – when I saw Jasper join the party.
Did Emmett fail to mention they were back or was I not paying attention? I wouldn't have fucking come here!
Nouvelle Vague was oozing through the speakers right next to me.
...ever fallen in love with someone
ever fallen in love
in love with someone
ever fallen in love
in love with someone
you shouldn't've fallen in love with...
Yeah, I fucking have, OK? Thanks so much for asking.
The irony of the lyrics, combined with my body's unrequested set of reactions to seeing him again after so long, was too much.
Why did he have to come here? Why did he have to exist? He would ruin me.
I could have been happy with Bella. I had been happy with her, before he had to appear in my life and ruin everything.
I stood up to rush away from this room, from this party and from this man I suddenly hated with all my might. But the universe apparently hated me, so as soon as I walked out the door, I heard him call my name.
"Hey, Edward, long time no see. How was Brazil?"
I turned slowly to face him – he was just one step behind me – and when he saw my face, his smile disappeared.
"What's wrong?"
"What's it to you?" – I spat the words at him.
"Hey..." he said in a worried-friendly-reassuring tone, putting his hand on my shoulder, which somehow managed to piss me off even more. All this – the feelings boiling inside of me – were completely irrational and unfair, but I was too drunk and too far gone into my private hell to notice or care.
"Get the fuck off me, Hale!" I yelled, shaking his hand off so violently that he had to catch his balance. I watched several emotions flicker in his expressive eyes– shock, hurt, anger, shame...? and something else – before I turned on my heel and went home, staggering a little.
o()()()o
I woke up the next morning, feeling the shittiest ever. I had a massive hangover and my throat was sore from all the smoking, but these were just minor details.
The shame for being a total prick to Jasper and taking my anger out on him was worse.
The fact that I had no idea how to go on with my life was probably the worst.
I felt like my life was some kind of a stupid joke - like I was some kind of a stupid joke.
I spent hours lying in my bed and replaying the last weeks in my head. Fortunately, both my parents had to work this Saturday, so the only person bothering me was Emmett - he knocked at my door a couple of times, asking if I needed anything and what was wrong with me. As much as I loved my brother, I really wished he would just leave me the fuck alone.
When my phone rang I felt a pang of irritation that I hadn't switched it off. I looked at the caller's ID and cringed.
"Hi, Bella" I said, expecting a new wave of her justified ire. I felt too guilty to ignore her call though.
"Hi, Edward" there was no anger in her voice, which somehow made me even more anxious. "Are you OK?"
I had to laugh humorlessly at this question. "I'm not"
She sighed. "I'm sorry" she said quietly.
"You are sorry?"
"Yeah. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did."
"And I should have told you long ago."
"You should have. But I guess I can understand now why you didn't. I sort of... well, I've been thinking about it a lot since our last conversation and I think I can imagine how you feel – to some extent at least."
I didn't know what to say.
"What I mean is that I forgive you for keeping it from me and I'm sorry for reacting so badly. I know – well I imagine how difficult it must be for you."
"Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"I know it sounds fucking cliché... but do you think we could still be... friends? after that?"
She was silent for a moment and I waited, my heart clenched.
"I think we can" she finally said. "I mean, I still love you and... I think I can learn to stop seeing you in that way – you know – and love you just as a friend. I'll need time, but I think, maybe, it won't be that difficult."
"This guy you kissed" I started, wondering if I was crossing a line by asking this question "do you think that maybe..." I trailed off, too nervous to finish the sentence. I really wanted her to find someone she'd be happy with but I didn't know if talking about it right now was OK with her.
To my relief, I heard her laugh lightly.
"I don't know" she said. "Maybe. I feel kind of confused now... I need some time, I guess."
"Mind telling me who it is?"
She was silent for a moment. Ugh. Have I pushed it too far this time?
"It's Jake."
Jacob Black. A Quileute boy, one year younger than us, but plenty mature for his age. Smart. She and Bella had always been pretty good friends.
"Oh. I guess I'm not surprised."
"No? I thought you didn't like him."
"Well, I mean, you guys have always been pretty close, haven't you? I guess I was kind of jealous. But he's a good guy, and he's quite..." I stopped mid-sentence, blushing.
"Hot?" she supplied.
I remained speechless, blushing even more, relieved she couldn't see that. Her next words almost made me fall off the bed.
"Jasper Hale is rather hot, too" she said innocently.
"Wh-what?" I choked out. I was so sure I'd been hiding my feelings well, except for this one moment at first sight, which she hadn't seen.
"I know you well, remember? I've just put a few facts together and – well, am I right?"
I couldn't speak.
She chuckled.
"I take it as a yes"
I still couldn't speak.
"So, are you going to... do something?"
I still couldn't. Fucking. Speak.
"Edward? I'm sorry. Did I freak you out?"
"Seems so" I finally managed to find my voice.
"I guess it seems like, totally weird that I'm asking you such things. But it's OK, you know? I'm getting... over it. And I want you to be happy."
"I don't know if I can be happy, Bells" I blurted out, suddenly needing to confide in her. "I don't even think Jasper is... you know -" I couldn't even say the word – "but regardless, I can't... do that."
"I see" she said quietly.
And I knew she did. She knew my background. She knew what I'd been taught to think about "these things".
"Edward?" her voice shook me out of my little reverie.
"Yeah?"
"I've just sent you something by e-mail. Just think about it, OK?"
o()()()o
I opened her message and it was a quote from a book, which I recognized immediately. We both read the Earthsea Trilogy a dozen times, and "Tombs of Atuan" was Bella's favorite.
"Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake. It is not easy. It is not a gift given, but a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one."
I read the three sentences over and over again, my head kind of spinning and a strange feeling growing in my chest.
"Freedom is a heavy load" -
...and it's easier not to pick it up - to follow the rules without questioning them.
"Freedom is(...) a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake" -
...and I'm scared shitless that it will be too great and too strange for me. That I won't cope with it. That – if I give up on the codex I was taught to abide – I will be lost.
"Freedom is (...) a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one" –
...but it can still be my choice, right?
I could almost hear something shifting in my brain.
Esme's words came back to me.
"Why would they know what's right while you don't?"
"...I think that's a little miserable..."
"I won't live your life for you. No one will. So no one can tell you how to live it."
I identified the strange feeling in my chest. It was a bitter-sweet, scary, and breathtakingly wonderful feeling of freedom.
I made a choice.
Now I was on my own.
I couldn't expect anyone – any person, any book, any institution – to tell me what was right or wrong. I could ask for advice, but eventually I'd have to figure it out on my own. The responsibility resulting from this fact was enormous and I was sure I'd soon experience the weight of the heavy load. But at that particular moment, relief and excitement were my dominant feelings.
I was free.
"Why do you think it would be wrong if you had a boyfriend?" Esme had asked me some weeks earlier.
Why indeed?
I clicked the 'reply' button and sent Bella a message with just two words.
Thank you.
o()()()o
I was sitting on the passenger seat of Emmett's car, nervous as hell. He'd told me about a party at Hales', evidently without much hope I would join, and had been surprised by my enthusiasm. Now, however, when the high of my epiphany had faded, I was on the verge of backing off. Why had I been so excited about talking to Jasper? I wanted to laugh at my own stupidity.
So what that I finally realized it wouldn't stop the Earth if I had a boyfriend? Coming to terms with that fact wasn't exactly enough to actually have one, was it? There was also a matter of the other party's acceptance – a tiny, oh-so-easily-dealt-with detail, right, Edward?
The chances of Jasper being gay were something between 1 to 20 and 1 to 10, depending on which statistics you found more convincing (Yes - I googled it. Of course I did!).
The chances of him being interested in me were even slimmer.
The chances of him wanting to have anything to do with me after my jackass behavior the previous night – even if he was gay and had been interested before – were... I didn't even want to think about it.
At least you owe him an apology for yesterday - I kept telling myself. I briefly explained to Emmett that I'd been rude to Jasper on the party the night before and needed to apologize – it was a precaution to prevent myself from giving up on the idea, really. When we arrived, I wasted no time – I didn't want to give myself time for finding excuses.
I saw him chopping something in the kitchen, my heart fluttered like a fucking butterfly, my palms got all sweaty, I bit my lip and marched straight to him.
"Jasper."
He turned around – a huge chopping knife in hand - and looked at me with slightly narrowed eyes.
"I wanted to talk to you" I said quickly "to apologize, and... yeah. Please?"
My anxiety was peaking.
"Sure thing, Masen." His voice was ironic, but otherwise rather friendly. "What is it?"
I shot a glance around. People were already filling the living room next door – I could see my brother navigating around them and offering drinks – and Rosalie was in the kitchen with us, just across the large table. She was making a salad or something but I saw her peeking at me from the corner of her eye.
Not a chance.
"Could we, er... go somewhere else? I mean, if it's not a problem..."
Why the hell did you think talking to him was a good idea? You should have just apologized and back the fuck off.
Too late.
He shrugged, looking slightly suspicious.
"My room?"
I just nodded and followed him.
Why. The. Fuck. Are you doing this to yourself?
Too late for this question, looser.
Right. So what do you do now?
You tell him what's up, he tells you to fuck off, you go home.
And then?
You'll think about it then. Baby steps. Deal with this shit first.
"So?" Jasper's voice intruded my internal dialog and I realized we were in his room already. I took a deep breath and spoke quickly, deciding the sooner I get it over with, the better.
"So. I'm really sorry I was such an asshole yesterday. I... ugh... to cut the long story short, I think I've had a..."
...crush on you? Just leave it, Edward, there's no way in hell you're gonna say that to him.
"...well let's just say I was drunk off my ass... Bella broke up with me a week ago – she had a good reason, by the way – and I kind of took it out on you... All this has been really fucking up my life and I hated it... and I – yeah...felt like this was your fault, you know? Which was a totally absurd thing to think, of course... I mean, just because I've had this crush on you..."
Ooops... I've just said it, after all, haven't I?
I chanced a peek at him – I'd had my gaze fixed securely on his carpet all along my pathetic word-vomit - and he was watching me with the most peculiar expression. Some emotion flickered in his eyes, but I couldn't place it.
"A crush on me?" he repeated.
I just nodded. What could I do?
"Why are you telling me this?" – his calm voice, for some reason, made my stomach twist with panic.
Because I have this tiny amount of hope that maybe... you'll reciprocate my feelings?
Don't fucking think so.
I said nothing. I could only watch him watching me.
And then he took a step towards me.
My breathing hitched.
I had no idea what my face was revealing.
His eyes narrowed and I finally deciphered the expression on his face.
Ire.
"I said why the fuck are you telling me this, Masen?"
My heart sunk and I couldn't force a word through my mouth. My throat felt like Death Valley at 2 p.m.
I fucking told you you shouldn't tell him, you fucking idiot!
"You thought I'm – what?" he said angrily, his hands balling into fists.
"I – I'll just go" I managed to choke out and turned on my heel, heading for the door.
Jasper grabbed me by the wrists and the next thing I know I was facing him again, his face dangerously close to mine... furious... and beautiful. My heart stuttered and then started again at a doubled pace.
"Not so easy" he hissed.
At that, I felt my cheeks heating up. The shame and misery and confusion I was feeling suddenly all gave way to anger. What the hell was he thinking? Yeah, I'd probably freaked him out with my unexpected confession but this was over the line. I struggled against his grip on my wrists, but he was stronger.
"What?" I snapped. "You wanna beat me up now? You didn't like what I said - fair enough. I get it. Now just let me fucking go!"
He ignored me.
"Why did you tell me?" he repeated his question. "Did you think I would be... interested?" Something flickered in his eyes again and he looked almost as if he was trying to hold back a laughter.
Great.
"Because if you did think so... well, you were right" he continued, finally letting go of my wrists.
What?
You've got to be freaking kidding me.
"Not funny, Hale" I seethed, turning towards the door when he stopped me again, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey" he said, smirking at me for a change. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help what?" I all but yelled this time. This whole situation was really becoming surreal.
"Making a little fun of you. Sorry, Edward" he said innocently. I didn't have the time to react because suddenly, his arms were around my waist and his face just inches from mine.
"What the hell are you do..." I started angrily, but immediately I lost my train of thoughts, my mind a confused chaos and my body reacting to Jasper's touch on its own accord. My heartbeat could probably be heard in the living room downstairs. Only it wouldn't, because his was even louder.
His face was neither furious nor mocking anymore. His eyes were burning into mine, the unique shade of hazel looking more like gold at this proximity. I blinked, struggling to understand what was actually going on here.
"Let me get this straight – " I tried again, wanting to have some confirmation that this wasn't just my brain playing tricks.
"Definitely not straight" he murmured, but before I could laugh at the pun, his lips were on my face and my laughter turned into a gasp. He licked his way to my ear and whispered "I've wanted to do this for soooo long."
o()()()o
Some hour later, I'm sitting on Jasper's sofa, wearing his boxers and jeans – we both needed a change of pants after a dry hump session on his bed. Jasper himself is sitting next to me, his long legs resting on my lap and his eyes smiling while he listens to my childhood memories. After thoroughly humping each other to oblivion, we're now thoroughly getting to know each other's life story.
His mum dreams of at least one of her kids becoming a doctor as well – just like my dad, and just like him, she's hoping in vein, it seems. Rosalie has wanted to be a car mechanic ever since she was six. The very idea of the delicate, blond beauty, always wearing perfect make-up, digging elbow-deep under the vehicle's hood, makes me snicker.
"I can just picture Emmett standing there, handing her tools she requests and gawking at her ass when she bends over the engine" – I say and Jasper starts to laugh as well.
"Hey – that's exactly how it looked like last time he came over and she took his Jeep under scrutiny!"
He explains that after some persuasion from their parents, Rose decided to go to college and major in engineering. "College diploma won't stop you from being a mechanic if that's what you want to do, but will make other options open for you as well" – he mimics their father's voice.
Jasper wants to be a psychologist and when I tell him that's my plan as well, he chuckles.
"We'll make a really fucked-up couple, you know?" he says, grinning.
"I guess. Shall I tell you what you think?"
"Shall I tell you how you feel?" he shoots back, and we laugh again.
"I like the word 'couple', though" I say after a moment, leaning closer to him, lifting my hand and tucking a lock of blond hair behind his ear. His eyes grow very warm – hazel-gold, with intricate patterns of lighter gold. Fascinating. I get lost in them, in the sensation of his fingers entwined with mine, his other hand touching my cheek, his breath on my lips... his lips on mine. I'm still not hundred per cent convinced this is really happening but anyway...
There's no feeling of wrongdoing, no guilt, no shame. There's peace and sheer happiness of the moment. There's a feeling of being myself again - at last.
There's a knock on his bedroom's door and all the feelings give in to a sudden impulse of panic. I yank my face away from his as I hear Rosalie's voice ("Jazz?") and then Emmett's ("Jasper? is Edward with you?"). Amusement replaces panic in some small fraction of my brain as I realize the second meaning of the phrase, which my brother has no idea of... yet.
I look at Jasper with what is probably a mixture of anxiety, amusement and apology in my eyes, and he nods, understanding. He lets go of my hand and moves away from me so that there's a decent distance between us on the sofa as he yells "Yeah, come in" and the door opens (Jeez, it was unlocked all the time, while we... yeah I guess neither of us was really capable of giving a shit at that time...).
Rosalie comes in – Emmett right on her heels – and I know that our facade doesn't fool her one bit as her eyes travel from our flushed faces to my legs in Jasper's too long jeans, to his disheveled bed and back to us and I can see that goddamn women's intuition look as I meet her gaze.
And suddenly, my panic is nowhere to be found, and I just grin at her like a fucking idiot. She smiles back and shifts her gaze to her brother.
"Jazz..."
"What's up, Rose?"
"Well, nothing much, really... oh yes, Emmett was worried about Edward, right, Em?"
"Yeah" my brother says. "Just wanted to check if you guys didn't get into a fight or some shit after all."
To that, I can't stifle a giggle, shaking my head, and the confusion I see on his face just makes me burst into uncontrolled laughter. I glance at Jazz and he's laughing, too, and I think "oh, fuck it" as I hold out my hand to him and he takes it. I look back at Em, managing to say "hell we're not" in between bursts of laughter, and the look on his face...
It's a pained expression of someone who's trying to solve a complicated mathematical equation but can't remember how to add up 2 and 2. I try to stop laughing – honestly wanting to talk to him some more - but fail, not able to say a single word, my head falling on Jasper' shoulder, and poor Emmett just stands there, still frozen with that most comical expression on his face.
"Come-on Em, I'll... explain" – Rosalie is giggling, too. She pushes his large form out of the room, winks at me, blows a kiss to Jazz and closes the door behind her.
o()()()o
So. This work sprouted from my own private freedom-related epiphany. I'm neither male nor gay but otherwise have lots in common with Edward :)
If you read up to this point and didn't get too bored, please leave me a word. What did you like about my little story? What did you not like? It's my first +- fully fledged story and I'm very interested in getting feedback!
Oh and I'm sorry if my English sucked a little but it's a foreign language to me, so... you know.