LOL! So, once again, I must thank the girls on GW for the idea that sparked this. It might not be exactly what you'd expect, but it was fun to write. Mostly a crack fic, but I tried to stay true to the characters.

I promised the Troopers a striptease and here it is! ^_^

Striptease

"If I didn't know you any better, Nikola, I'd think you got us separated from the others on purpose."

Helen's tone of sarcasm was not dampened in any way by the damp surroundings. She stumbled through yet another area of thick mud, while Nikola seemed to glide along the surface with vampiric grace. The jungle/swamp they were traveling through seemed almost sentient, blocking them at every turn. Helen was filthy, wet, and very pissed off. Standing on the other side of the knee-deep mud pit she was currently slogging through, Nikola spun to face her, hands on hips.

"There are two problems with that oh-so-subtle accusation, my dear." He paused to snatch out a hand and catch her before she would have face-planted in the swamp. "The first and most obvious of which is the fact that you were leading when the ground gave way and sent you down the embankment. I merely—possibly mistakenly—attempted to pull you back onto dry ground." He sighed and flicked at the caked mud on his usually pristine suit. "And look what that got me."

"And the second problem?" Helen prodded, marching past him with a not-so-accidental bump to his shoulder.

"Well, isn't it obvious? I lost my human meat sack with which to distract any possibly dangerous creatures and ensure my own escape."

Helen groaned. "Nikola, his name is Will. Will. It's a very simple name and much easier than calling him Dr. Expendable all the time."

Nikola merely gave her a shining smirk. Helen sighed and focused ahead again. "Look, up ahead, it seems there's a way back up to the higher level."

Nikola looked to the pile of rocks that went up the steep and muddy hill to their left. Then he sighed. "And here I thought we'd have to spend the night in the swamp, unable to make a fire from lack of dry wood, huddled together for warmth…which, of course, would lead to ridiculously passionate—ow!"

Helen's fist in his shoulder cut off his lustful thoughts, but his way with words and the dark seduction of his voice already had her abdomen clenching and a blush creeping into her cheeks.

Rubbing his arm, Nikola mumbled something under his breath along the lines of 'being a vampire doesn't mean I can't feel pain, my lovely, sadistic Helen.' But the lovely and sadistic woman in question hardly noted that comment because she saw something move in the unnaturally clear water they stood in at that moment.

"Nikola, hold on a minute," she said, without looking up from the sparkling surface.

But, of course, since he was Nikola Tesla, the vampire did not obey. Helen saw the abnormal sparkle again, but this time it darted straight for Nikola's foot and disappeared. The vampire froze for a moment and looked down at himself.

"Are you alright?" Helen said, quickly.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," he said, waving a hand. "It's just…odd. I feel, um…wet."

Helen gave him a wry look and gestured violently to everything around them and their respective persons. "We're in a rainforest, Nikola. Of course you feel wet."

"No, I mean…"

He gasped again and it was then that Helen saw it. The slight sheen of water reflecting light as it traced its way up his neck and over his jaw like some sort of liquid finger.

"Nikola, stay still," Helen ordered. "A water elemental has latched onto you."

"Oh, fantastic," Nikola said. "And I suppose asking nicely won't make it release me?"

"I'm afraid not. And if you cause it to panic, it will most likely kill you."

"But I'm a vampire," Nikola protested, even as he wisely refrained from moving.

Helen gave him a serious look. "How did the crusaders kill vampires in the old days?"

Nikola grew even paler—if that were possible. He swallowed hard. "They drowned them."

Helen just nodded, feeling a bit nervous herself, now.

By now, the elemental had covered his entire body, underneathhis clothes. And the only reason Helen could tell that it wasn't simply moisture from their long trek across the swamp was because of the slight, abnormal sheen it had when the light hit his skin just right. The image made Helen snort with laughter.

"Helen, I don't find the idea of death very funny," Nikola growled.

"I'm sorry, Nikola," she said with a laugh. "It's just—you remember that book that Kate was explaining to you when you wondered why she kept calling you Edward?"

Nikola nodded suspiciously, unable to speak since the elemental was gliding over his lips at that moment in its odd swirling dance over his skin.

"Well, you're a vampire and you're actually sparkling right now."

Nikola growled until the abnormal left his mouth alone. Once free, he immediately snapped, "That is not funny, Helen. In fact, it's—"

"Beyond insulting," Helen finished with a nod.

"Precisely. Now. Would you mind…?"

Helen's eyes widened in innocence. "Mind what?"

"It would be nice if you could…" He trailed off again.

"Having trouble saying the words, Nikola?" Helen smiled. "Because I'm not doing a thing until you ask nicely."

He growled again and, for a split second, Helen saw a flash of black in his clear gray eyes. Then he calmed and leveled the icy gaze on her. "Helen. Could you find it in your massively compassionate heart to help a poor, defenseless, ignorant vampire from a gruesome fate? Please?"

"Cheeky, but I'll take it," Helen muttered. Then she smiled. "Now, the first thing is to stay calm. Water elementals are very empathetic. If you panic, she will panic."

"I never panic, Helen—and why did you just call it a 'she'?"

Helen shrugged. "Well, they have no gender. Would you rather a male abnormal was gliding itself over your skin?"

Nikola shuddered, a full-body convulsion, before gritting out a single word between his teeth. "No."

"Good then." Helen smiled sweetly. "It's a she."

"Fine," he growled through clenched teeth. "Would you mind getting her off of me?"

He hurried the words out in order to close his mouth again as the elemental swirled over his face again. Except for occasionally reflecting the light when she moved, the water creature was not visible. It just looked like Nikola was soaking wet.

"Right, okay." Helen focused. "Blessedly, you'll probably have to refrain from using your irritating tongue since she seems to like your mouth."

"I like it, too. In fact, I'd like to keep it, if possible." Nikola muttered the words hurriedly out of the side of his mouth before shutting it again.

"From what I've studied of water elementals, they like to be hidden. She probably doesn't realize you're a living being since vampires have such low body temperatures. And, thus, she feels safe whilst concealed under your clothes. I believe, if you can make her feel vulnerable—without…actually threatening her…" (She added that when he started to let his claws slide out) "…then she'll flee back into the water."

Unable to speak, Nikola nodded. He waited for the perfect moment and then spoke quickly. "How do we do that?" And shut his mouth again.

Helen licked her lips. "Well…she's…er…hiding under your, um…clothes."

Nikola's eyebrows slowly climbed. "Helen, are you fishing for a striptease?"

Helen's cheeks flushed brightly again. Why was it that after more than a century, Nikola was still the only man who could make her blush like that? Clearing her throat, she leveled him with a no-nonsense gaze.

"Do you want to die, Nikola?"

He looked down and she was shocked at the emotional sincerity in his voice. "No. No, I rather like living. And living longer has just made me that much more attached to my existence. I want to live forever and keep exploring and inventing." He abruptly looked up and raw electric emotion flashed there. "There's so much I haven't done, Helen. So much I've wanted to say…"

His gaze slipped to her lips and Helen swallowed against a lump in her throat. She'd gotten so used to Nikola being there—if not by her side, then at least somewhere off in the world—that the idea of him simply no longer existing was paralyzing. She realized that she had to keep this light and happy or she was going to scream.

Grinning, she nodded to his coat. "I'd get started, Mr. Tesla."

He muttered a long string of curses in Serbian as he reached up to the edges of his suit coat.

"Language," Helen scolded.

He looked surprised. "I'm sorry. I forget you speak every language on the planet." Irritably, he snapped the coat off his shoulders and down his arms. The water elemental grew colder against his skin and moved a little more agitatedly, making his exposed skin glint briefly.

"Be careful, Nikola!" Helen snapped. "And I don't speak every language."

"Most of them," Nikola grumbled.

He began unbuttoning his dark gray shirt, flicking the little fasteners free with dexterity and not a little bit of irritation. Helen's breath caught.

"Slower, Nikola," she urged.

He growled in a way that only a vampire could, a sultry inhuman noise deep in his throat as he lazily unbuttoned another. In fact, it probably wasn't meant to be sexy, but he was soaking wet and stripping down. Plus, his voice was criminally smooth anyway.

Moving with languid grace, he pulled the shirt out of its tuck in his waistband and finished the last button. Still moving deliciously slowly, he pulled it off and let the wet silk slide down his arms. Helen gave up trying to control her blush. In all the years she'd known him, she'd never actually seen Nikola in anything less than shirt, tie, and slacks. She'd never imagined he would have any muscle on his scrawny form. Although, now that she thought about it, he had swum 27 laps every single day of his life—at least until his fake death. He must have continued beyond that, too, because the lean physique of a swimmer was still intact. He was not muscular or bulky, but the wiry muscle he did have was streamlined and subtly defined.

"Breathe, Helen."

His voice seemed even lower and Helen was positive he was being seductive on purpose now. Was it just wishful thinking or was he actually getting into it? When Helen looked up at him with that unspoken question, Nikola merely smirked knowingly and reached up carefully to unknot the cravat that still hung around his neck. With a few deft movements it was nothing more than a piece of mud-ruined silk in his hands. Risking angering the elemental, he tossed it to her.

Even with the mud and swamp crap all over it, the cravat still smelled like Nikola. Wine and electricity. By the time Helen looked up again, he had his belt out of the loops and was dropping it in the mud. All at once, Helen felt supremely embarrassed. She glanced away casually, but still flushed at the mere noise of his mud-caked dress pants slapping against the ground.

When she risked glancing over again, there stood Nikola Tesla wearing nothing but black silk boxers and a grin. His hair was plastered across his forehead, nearly in front of his gleaming steel-colored eyes.

"Is this vulnerable enough for you, Helen?"

This time she actually shivered at his voice and, judging from the way his grin became even more crooked, he had noticed.

"What…in the…hell?"

Will's shocked high-pitch made both Helen and Nikola snapped their heads around. Sure enough, the psychologist was tramping down the solid rock ramp they'd spotted earlier. Kate and Henry were making their way down behind him.

"Well," Nikola said, still smirking, "as the wolf-boy might say: 'Awkwaaard!'"

"I don't sound like that," Henry snapped, walking up. He took in the scene. "But yeah, that pretty much sums it up."

"Wow." Kate's eyebrows were high in appreciation as she looked Nikola over unashamedly. "Well, that's an unexpected but not unpleasant surprise."

"I think there might have been a compliment in there, but I'm too concerned about dying to notice it," Nikola muttered, sarcastically.

"Magnus, what's going on?" Will asked, eyeing Nikola as though he was afraid the vampire had snapped psychologically.

"Nikola has a leech of sorts and we were trying to remove it," Helen explained, coolly, proud of her composure.

"Ah, right," Kate said, nodding exaggeratedly. "The old leech move. Surprised you fell for it, Fang Boy."

"As much as I wish this was simply an attempt for Helen to see me naked, I'm afraid she's telling the truth," Nikola said. "Speaking of…"

He looked down at his still-wet body. The sheen of the abnormal was like a cheeky smile back at him.

Helen frowned. "Apparently, she likes you too much, Nikola."

"Fantastic," he muttered. "Is there any way to tell her 'It's not you, it's me'?"

Helen sighed. "Well, I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this."

Without a warning, she whipped her pistol from her waistband and fired a dead-aimed shot right through Nikola's heart. The vampire staggered back one step and his grin left his face in a blink. For a moment he frowned and his eyes unfocussed as if he were about to fall over dead. But then the moment passed and he was once again standing tall, looking down at the rapidly-closing hole in his chest.

"I'm sorry about that, Nikola," Helen began. "I just had to—"

Nikola silenced her with one furious finger held up. Then he slowly turned his head to the side, shifted something in his mouth, and spit. A crumpled, bullet dug into the ground at Henry's feet.

Kate cocked her head. "In some odd way, that was kinda hot."

Nikola shot her a brief smile before looking down at the blood smeared down his stomach. He groaned. "What a mess…" He began wiping up the blood and froze. "She's gone."

"Again, I do apologize," Helen said. "If I'd warned you, the elemental would have sensed your preparation for the shot and it would have ruined the element of surprise."

Nikola sighed. "I don't want to hear the word'element' again for a week."

"Why didn't you just shoot him in the first place, doc?" Henry asked, frowning in confusion.

Nikola's wide grin was insufferable. "Because she wanted to get me naked, Wolf-boy."

Ignoring the incorrigible vampire, Helen explained to the others. "I wasn't sure if the resonance and suddenness of a discharged bullet would make her panic and flee or panic and kill Nikola, so I tried a more peaceful solution first."

Nikola stopped midway through flicking blood from his hands. "You mean…I could have legitimately died?"

Helen grinned wider than he ever had. "Always good to have a plan B." Then she spun on her heel to face north, tucked her pistol back into hiding, and reclaimed her spot at the front of the group. "Now. Let's get home."

Nikola scooped up the various articles of his discarded clothing and splashed through the swamp to catch up. He slowed once he was abreast of Helen and proceeded to struggle to get dressed while walking briskly. Kate just enjoyed the view from the back while Will and Henry stared at her in confusion.

"Happy now?" Nikola said to Helen.

Helen glared at him. "I don't like what you're insinuating."

"Ohhw, come on now," Nikola half-scoffed, hopping slightly to get his pants back on. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you didn't enjoy that little moment we shared."

Helen stopped walking and turned briskly to face him. Nikola stumbled to halt as well—still half dressed—and zipped up his pants, facing her squarely and waiting patiently. Helen opened her mouth, but couldn't make the words come out.

Nikola's grin was brilliant. "Anything else I can do for you, my queen? Would you like to ruffle my hair?"

Helen snorted and resumed walking.

"Ohw, come on, Helen!" he called, jogging after her. "It's halfway between wet and dry. Perfectly messy. Come on, you can't lie, I have fantastic hair! Helen! Helen!"

And then the two immortals were back to bantering and sniping one another a distance ahead. Giving them space, the three younger team members watched in amusement.

"I wonder if I lived for 158 years if I'd get a sexy vampire genius throwing himself at me," Kate muttered.

"If one did, would you make him strip in a rainforest?" Will muttered.

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm just trying to determine if Magnus has a psychological problem or if she's secretly, obsessively in love with Tesla."

"Those are the only two options?" Kate asked, frowning.

Will nodded. "I'm a professional. Trust me."

Henry made a face. "I hope the first one."

"Aw, why?" Kate said. She grinned. "I think they're adorable together."

For a moment, Henry didn't answer. Then he sighed deeply. "He calls me Tiny Tim!"

Will and Kate just laughed.

~fin~