Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Nobody should expect me to either, seeing as this is on fanfiction. net

Warning: Unedited crack? (and a brief mention of Horcruxes)

The Origins of Beatrix Potter

(HP!crack style)

One sunny day in July, Bellatrix showed up at Number 4, Privet Drive in glamorous, top of the line Muggle clothing. Because they were such greedy pigs, the Dursleys promptly let her in, thinking she was rich and famous. However, she swiftly took out her wand, and stunned them, before sashaying up the stairs and breaking into Harry's room, where she discovered the Order was picking him up.

"Stop!" she shrieked and they all turned to stare at her in horror.

"What are you doing here Bellatrix?" Tonks snarled viciously, ready to attack. Bellatrix ignored her.

"What are you doing with my baby, bitches?" she screamed at them. Harry promptly broke away from the Order's hold, crying, "Momma!" and leapt into Bellatrix's waiting arms. "It's alright sweetie," she crooned. "Momma loves you!"

"I missed you so much momma!" he sobbed. "They said you was dead!"

"Never!" she hissed, sneering at the others.

Everyone gawked at them in confusion, before Remus stepped forward. "Umm… Bellatrix?" he started.

"My name is not Bellatrix! Its Beatrix and it has been for about a year!"

The Order stared in confusion. What the hell was she talking about? "Why couldn't she be moderately sane like her husband?" muttered Tonks. "Beatrix" cornered her with a vicious stare, which was ruined by Harry clinging to her.

"What husband?" she hissed. "I'm a single mother!"

Tonks stared at her. "What? …Bellatrix you're married to Rudolphus Lestrange…"

"Beatrix" stared in horror and amusement. "That marriage was null and void before it even happened," she stated blandly. "It ended when mother died." She cackled, "Not that it mattered… people still thought we were married!"

Remus was starting to look starry eyed.

"So you're still a Black?" asked Tonks.

"No!" she shrieked, "I'm a Potter!" Now everyone except her and Harry looked extremely confused and disturbed. Harry giggled.

"Aren't they stupid?" he chirped, "They can't even figure out how that works!" he shared an evil smirk with Beatrix.

"I guess we'll have to explain, won't we sweet heart?" she answered, stroking his hair with a leer. Harry nodded and smiled up at her.

"My momma adopted me when I was two," he said cheerfully. "She was never really in Azkaban. It was all a ruse."

Bellatrix smiled dreamily. "It was really fun," she admitted, "a prank worthy of a Marauder."

Snape looked ready to wet himself.

"Of course, when I adopted him, I had two choices. I could give him my name, or I could do nothing about it and get lots of weird looks. I, of course, chose the third option and changed my name to his… so my name is really Beatrix Potter."

Sirius jumped up from the bed. "That's an author of Muggle children's books!" he shouted. "You're stealing her identity!"

Beatrix chuckled darkly, "I've researched her history… and I've come to the conclusion that it's really me masquerading as a Muggle. That's why Harry and I are leaving now…"

Now Dumbledore paled. "Wait!" he shrieked, "what about Voldemort?"

Harry snorted. "You're really slow on the uptake…" he giggled. "Momma fed him arsenic." He looked at her lovingly, "She's the best momma ever!"

"But… what about the Horcruxes, Harry?" Dumbledore whined weakly. "He can still come back!"

Beatrix glared at him. "Do you really think I'm that stupid?" she snapped. "I thoroughly researched those stupid things and I found out that there was only one!"

Dumbledore stared at her nervously.

"It was that stupid diary that almost killed my baby!"

Harry smiled, "and it's gone now momma… it has been for a while. You're such a great momma!"

Beatrix beamed at him. "Ready to go now baby?"

He grinned back. "Yep!"

"Wait!" shrieked Remus and Sirius. "We want to come too!"

Beatrix stared at them blandly. "Of course you're coming with us you idiots. Harry needs a pet and I need an editor." The two Marauders whooped and ran over to cling to Harry. Bellatrix smiled at them. "Ready to go?" They nodded back, too caught up in their happiness to answer. "Well then… shall we?"

She and Harry smiled. "Let's do the time warp…"

Length: 682 words

Time: 1 hour

Inspiration: newspaper review (for Miss Potter)