I think of myself as a freak. A person with random and disorganized thoughts inside her head - making a world of her own which most people can't penetrate. I don't always try to put up a freak show but I guess people see me that way. I sometimes talk as if I come from a different planet. When I am obsessed with a book, I tend to murmur to myself the lines that I love. I replay the scenes in my head over and over until I get tired of it – which usually doesn't happen. I tend to get attached to the things I love or shall I say to the things I am obsessed with. What is wrong with me? Am I really a freak? Or I just belong to a different dimension? Huh! Sounds the same.
June 14
Huh! Another ordinary day. It is only during Sunday that I spend much time in bed. Most of my hours on weekdays not to mention Saturdays are spent in front of the computer talking to people who want to study English and trying to suck my brains up with all the rules in grammar and the topics that could interest some boring and bored ( ? ) students.
Yeah. What a life!
So, it was a Sunday. I flipped (turn over) on the other side of the bed to check my cell phone and see what time it was. ( I don't have a wall clock in my room.) 10 am. The cell phone shouted at me. For God sakes, wake up! Whew~ strange phone, I didn't know that cell phones can already talk.
Well, I told myself. I thought of the things I had to do - first; study. My entering-law-school-interest is back so I thought of straightening my brains up and get my head back to studying the thickest books on earth. Second, cleaning the room ( tsktsktsk ), I can't remember the last time I cleaned my room, third; fourth; fifth…. And it went on.. I realized there's a lot in my list..
So, okay first things first. I went downstairs to get myself a cup of coffee. ooohh coffee, my bestfriend, my cold shower, my catalyst for work. As soon as coffee was successful to get me going, I read a few pages of my law book which is lying in bed. I really have to get focused now if I want to redeem myself from the embarrassment and frustrations brought about my grades 2 years ago. Who should I blame? Nobody else… but myself. I rolled my palms to a fist to hit my head. Stupid jerk, I said to myself.
Now, now, focus, my other self told me.
As soon as I thought I had gathered my brains up, I stood up to hit the shower. I needed to be fresh before burying my nose to my brain-wrecking books. Ah, the water gives relief to my body although it made me quiver. I have never liked taking a shower especially under cold condition. Good thing, it was a sunny day. It took me only 5 minutes to wash my body. This really shows my aversion to water … I just needed to be clean, that's all.
Still with water dripping my body, I went out of the shower trembling. Whew~ strange. It's sunny but I still feel cold. See? Something is really wrong with my body – as if things are not in their proper places inside. I put on my most comfortable tee and boxer shorts. This is what I like about Sundays. I can just stay in my room wearing the most comfortable clothes ever and aha! Music! I can listen to music with whatever volume I want.
Yes, yes, I answered my other self.
My laptop was lying lifelessly on the desk. Hmmm it's time to bring it back to life. I pushed the on button and waited for minutes. I tapped my toes impatiently while waiting for it to load. At last, I found myself clicking the folder " my favorites " and tapping ( tab ) "enter'. There... Yiruma's instrumental joined the sound of the air coming from the fan.
"What a lovely sound", I murmured. It's as if I am in a meadow, staring at the leaves as they dance with the wind. I can smell the moist, the earthly smell of the moss and the soil… hmmm…. As I continued to let my thoughts drift with Yiruma's instrumental, I suddenly remembered a movie I hadn't watched yet. The instrumental that I was listening was one of the OST of that movie.
Twilight. I was never impressed by the posters of the movie which made me not watch it. Ugh! Just another vampire movie, I thought. Having this in mind, I didn't dare to spend a single dime on this movie. Why would I watch a movie with a plot that seems to be repeated since time immemorial by those people who love watching vampires and werewolves kill one another; or those bloodsuckers hunting their prey to quench their thirst for blood? That's pathetic.
Yeah, pathetic as I was, I opened my collection of CD's. I was so curious about the relation of this movie to this music that has become my favorite. Hmmm… Not long ago that I got hold of this movie from a co-worker who bribed the file for a big hamburger worth 120 pesos. I thought of checking the movie. Anyway, it wouldn't cost me anything. Ah….. spending money was the least thing that I wanted to do.
THE MOVIE
Oh yeah, I know I am stupid. Why didn't it occur to me that this movie was a love story? Again, I lifted my hand with closed fist and hit my head several times. That's what you get when you don't ask, when you have a world of your own… - the voices in my head said.
I was dazed for a moment after watching the movie. Was it my own ruse or something? A trickery of my own? I watched the movie again, bewildered by the fact that such love could exist. Hmm, I thought. There is still more than meets the eye. I have to see for myself what the real story is.
Tick, tick, tick. I searched the movie on the internet. My impatient hormones run through my veins again as I waited for the page to load. Why does the Philippines have a very slow internet connection? I mumbled to myself as minutes passed by. Could it be the geographical location of my beloved country that makes it impossible for some kind of meteor-speed-running-connection to be operated? I shrugged and said, probably.
The author's personal website flashed on my laptop. The background was green and I could see the four books in the saga shown on the site. It said: For Sale. If interested, click here. Uh, uh, so this heart-expanding story has four books. Nice! Another distraction, little Einstein growled inside my head.
Shrugging "little Einstein's" comments off, I started to look for the pdf files of the book. A PDF file? I mused. There has to be a name for it. And, there.. the name ebook appeared. Ah ha! So, this is how they call this stuff… an e-book. Being new to the word, I look up the meaning in the dictionary. It's an electronic book for God sake. Why haven't I heard of it? Ugh. Humor me! It's the counterpart of a traditional book and can be downloaded through the internet. Oh, I love the perks of high technology. My new obsession is just a few clicks away. But, wait…. I halted. Is this thing legal? If I like the author, shouldn't I buy her books and not just download it from the net? There, I went again with my conscience-boggling knowledge on the laws. But then again, the disobedient side of me prevailed. I downloaded all the files and started reading… glug glug glug… I went into oblivion… as if I was just gulping my favorite juice from a pitcher. I was so oblivious to what was happening around me. Messages were left unanswered… my law book was left untouched.. ( I had already started though ) … my room was left uncleaned… Just this morning, I woke up thinking that everything should be put in their proper places, things should be kept ready for the law school stuff, etc. Just this morning, I felt that my brains were finally straightened enough only to be shattered by this book again. Sigh… sigh.. another sigh…
Still, it didn't make me change my mind.
THE BOOK
Did I just say spending money was the least thing I wanted to do?
For some reasons, I ignored that thought. I hurried to the bookstore to get hold of the series with the plan that I would tighten my belts in the next few weeks before salary comes. It felt heavy when I went out of the store, literally because, indeed the books were true to the meaning of the word and er.. figuratively.
I fumbled the keys in my pocket as I arrived home. As soon as I reached my room, I started reading. Page after page, I savored the scenes being replayed in my brain. I felt the love expressed by the character. Each heartache, each tear and each pain.. all those were engraved in my memory as I read the book over and over. Reading the book became my past time. The book became my non-responding confidante. I understood the very pain felt by each character… the longing felt by the lovers when they were drifted apart by either their fate or their own choices and most importantly – the different kinds of love shared and expressed by the characters. Hmm.. Then, errant thoughts started rushing.. How could it be possible for heartaches to be turned into happiness? How could a relationship thought to be forbidden turn out to be the love story made in heaven that everybody dreams of? How could a love thought to be wrong even before the love story began turn out to be the best love story of all time?
I tripped on my foot on my way to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee while I was absentmindedly entertaining those thoughts that had already entered my mind. No other powerful shield can keep those thoughts away. Huh.. very interesting.
Boiling water for my coffee seemed like an eternity. Why was it taking a long time? Ugh.. I did this another out-of-this-world habit. I stood by the electric kettle staring at the side of the fridge, still pondering on the questions. I kept on clicking the on button absentmindedly every time I heard the click signaling that the water had reached its boiling point. Yes, I did it so many times. That was the reason why it took an eternity for the water to boil!
I jumped as my brain nudged. Huh? Was there a little nudger inside my brain? The nudger kept ticking my brain… for the answers to the questions. My heart sounded like an amplifier as I thought of the answers.
The answer to all these questions boils down to the fact that everything depends on our choices. What kind of choices, if you may ask? The choice to follow your heart no matter what obstacle you encounter with the hope that despite all the battles, victory awaits … The choice to soldier on even when the red flag has been waved signaling you to put your hands up and declare surrender… The choice to fight the most dangerous battle nobody can ever imagine… and lastly, The choice to put everything in God's hands with the faith that everything will turn out just fine.
As I turned the last page of the book after reading it many times, with the words THE END on it, I made my own choice too. I wouldn't let anything shatter my dreams. Distracted as I was yet determined as I am now, I would make the best choice there is. That no matter how hard it is, that no matter how long the battle will last, I know victory awaits me.