It had been over a month since Kurt moved to New York to chase his dreams. Blaine, of course, felt lonely, but he was the one who convinced Kurt to go. He hated the way Kurt was settling for Lima. He never wanted to see Kurt settle for anything. Not even Blaine; he knew in his heart that someone was going to find Kurt attractive. How couldn't they? He was the most beautiful, amazing man he'd ever met. Blaine couldn't figure out a way to break the news to Kurt though. He just couldn't rip Kurt's heart out like he knew it would. He started to become resigned. It didn't matter anyway because Kurt was too busy with his internship with Vogue to notice a change in Blaine's behavior.
A few days after he decided to end it, someone contacted Blaine on Facebook. Someone by the name of Eli C. He had no clue what this guy looked like because his profile picture is of a lighthouse. Unless Eli's actually a lighthouse. They talked a few times, and Blaine hadn't minded. It was something to keep his mind off Kurt, but soon, this Eli guy told him his address and asked him to come over. Blaine didn't know what to do, so in a hasty, last-minute decision, he got up and drove to Eli's house. He regretted it immediately knowing he had no right since he and Kurt were still together. Then the light bulb went off. He saddened right then knowing how much this is going to hurt both partners.
He decided on arriving in New York early to surprise Kurt, even though he was there for something other than a reunion. He would feel even worse if he let Kurt go over the phone. He couldn't even handle thinking about 'breaking up'; just letting someone move on. That's what Blaine told himself to make saying it in his mind feel less... depressing. Kurt had been as surprised as Blaine suspected. He kissed Blaine making everything more painful, then Rachel was there hugging him, and Finn greeting him also. When had he come back from being in the Army? He just couldn't handle it; he couldn't say it with all those people there. He'd have to wait, even though he knew the more time he spent there, the more difficult things would become. Kurt invited him to a karaoke bar named "Callbacks". It was appropriately named considering NYADA students often hung out there. His courage had won over his nerves as he stood up to sing. He sat at the piano and preformed the first song Kurt had heard Blaine sing. The song that signaled the first time Kurt gave Blaine that look of pride and happiness. Their song. He played around with the tempo and acoustics, slowing down the melody and staring at Kurt in a way that would've penetrated anyone's soul. He was sending a message to Kurt. He knew he would be questioned later, but that would be when the end came. Right then he wanted to enjoy the feeling that they were the only two people in the bar, the city, the world.
The song came to an end, and he whispered to himself, "Kurt, you will always be my teenage dream, my love, the one I give my heart to for all eternity." He walked off stage not looking Kurt in the eye because he knew if he did, he would surely melt into the floor. Finn gave him a pat on the back. Blaine could see he, too, had the knowing look in his eyes. Maybe that wasn't involving Kurt and Blaine but with Rachel and Brody, who he only just met, but heard Kurt talk about many times.
They walked through Central Park, silence consuming Blaine's already clouded thoughts. He needs to say it, but it's so painful. He needs to tell the truth, but what will Kurt do? Kurt can never forgive him. Never. Blaine won't let him. He needs to move on and find someone up to Kurt's standards. Blaine isn't. Kurt glances over at Blaine and comments, "Just tell me what's wrong. I know there's something."
Blaine explains the events that happened earlier that week. It's as hard for him to say as it is for Kurt to hear. The worst part is that he could have skipped out on even going over to Eli's house and just lied to Kurt, but he did. He got in bed with him, and as Eli started to get intimate, kissing his neck, his hands starting to wander, Blaine pushed him off. He stopped it before it went further, but he cheated regardless of the activity. He's breaking more hearts than his own, and that's the hardest thing he will ever have to do. Kurt ran away, crying, as expected. They all ended up back at Kurt's and Rachel's apartment. Finn and Rachel look like they've been through some rough stuff as well. It was about Brody, Blaine inferred. Blaine and Kurt fell asleep on the same bed, but it felt like they could've been on opposite ends of the Earth, and it wouldn't have felt any different.
He drifted in and out of a nightmare-filled slumber with Kurt's heartbroken face plastered to the inside of his eyelids. The next morning, Blaine woke up in the same bed he fell asleep in minus the one person who truly belonged there. It all felt wrong. He got up, changed, and left that apartment for the very last time. His journey back to Ohio was silent. He spoke less than five words, and that was to order food. He felt deflated, no longer happy. He didn't have anything to live for, but Kurt was free, and that is all that will ever matter.
The next week he pretended to have the flu. He didn't go to school despite the texts and calls from glee members, encouraging from his mother, and an awkward visit from Finn, who had decided to stay in Lima and help out with glee club. The next month wasn't that much different except for the fact that he was back at school. He resigned from his position of class president, handing it over to Brittany. He didn't even care that she might ban hair gel again. He was just floating on as his anchor was enjoying life in New York City.
Only, Kurt was doing no such thing.
After Blaine left, Rachel called Kurt to let him know. He didn't answer his phone and didn't go back to the apartment until nine that evening. Rachel expressed her worry, but Kurt didn't care. He's washed the sheets on his bed five times since that dreadful night of October fourth. He just can't get the Blaine smell out of them. He needs to forget; he knows he has to sooner or later, so why is it so difficult? Blaine hasn't even contacted Kurt since then. Apparently, it really is over. His internship at Vogue hasn't been going so well either. Fashion just isn't making him happy anymore. He needs Blaine, but Blaine is gone.
I'm never saying goodbye to you. That's what he had said many times, but Blaine had never said it back. Now, he knows why because even if Blaine had said it, it would've been a lie. Had it all been lies? Everything Blaine had said, done? Did he mean it when it when he said 'I love you'? Kurt was obviously depressed. Rachel knew it too. She just gave him space like he'd asked a few days after The Break Up. He'd referred to it in those terms a lot in his mind over the last few weeks. The thoughts that consumed his mind would've scared even the toughest person; they're so dark and decrepit. He doesn't sleep on his bed anymore; he sleeps next to it on the floor. Kurt doesn't get much sleep anymore though.
He started plotting and planning out his life without Blaine, but when he thought about the future, all he saw was Kurt accomplishing things with a ripped out piece of the puzzle. That piece would be gone forever, the void permanent. Vacant. He had finally found his phone one day when he heard the familiar ringtone, one he'd heard so often, it could be nobody else. He raced towards his phone, almost pressing the green, talk button, but stopped himself. Then he took a leap of faith and answered it on the sixth ring. He shakily said, "Hello?"
But the other end cut off before any sounds came from either person.
Kurt slumped down to floor, looked to the kitchen, and rose again. Rachel had collected a very decent knife collection, but they hadn't been used for anything yet. He discarded the thought immediately knowing that would be way too messy. He didn't want Rachel to find him anyway. No. He would go out with a final bang, a testament to everything he'd done in his life. It would be ingenious and live up to Kurt's standards.
Blaine was still majorly depressed even though it was the first of December. Christmas was coming fast, and he couldn't spend a Christmas without Kurt. It wouldn't be right. Their last Christmas had been amazing. He would often lie down on his bed and reminisce of all the sweet times he and Kurt had shared. It was all too painful. The only bright side was that his mom was on depression medication for a year and never took any of the pills, so they were sitting in the bathroom waiting for some unsuspecting sad man without a reason to live. Blaine fit the description perfectly.
One evening, his parents left town, and he was left alone. He got out a piece of paper and poured his heart and soul into it. All of his feelings laid out on a thin piece of paper. As he read over it, he approved of how thoughtful it sounded, even though a few unwanted tears caused some words to be smeared. He entered the bathroom, poured a glass of water, and waited for the courage he knew was just fear to rise in him. He lifted the pill bottle to his lips and whispered a last goodbye to Kurt, his anchor, his love, his everything, and Blaine had turned all of it into nothing because of a stupid insecurity. Pill number one... two... three... he counted past six then gave up, swallowing half the bottle in one gulp. He sat down, his back against a wall and pictured Kurt's sweet face as everything faded to black.
Kurt shuddered as he stood next to his creation. The noose perfectly constructed in his dressing room for a small play he had been in a day before. He wrote a letter that consisted of two full pages of sincere words to the person he would never see again but so desperately wanted to see. He stood on the vanity table next to the well revised note. He never thought his life would be pathetic enough to leave a note, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He was honestly scared of himself the last week. All he thought about was ways of suicide. He didn't want to be the weak, gay kid. He didn't want to be anything anymore. He took one last look at himself in the mirror, then the letter, then a picture of him and Blaine. The noose was lowered around his neck, and another shudder passed through him. He sent silent prayers to the only thing he believed in. Blaine. At his lowest, Blaine had been there. Where was he now? Blaine was probably enjoying sweet love with the man he chose over Kurt, but he couldn't feel anger, only sadness. Barely even that. Only a dull, numb feeling. He noticed that he had been holding his breath. The last step that would be Kurt's ending. The final chapter of The Story of Kurt Hummel coming to a close. The epilogue would be skipped. The author's note? "When people say love conquers all, they mean it. Find that person you love and fight. Do what I didn't. Never. Let. Go."
He stepped into oblivion, into open air, Kurt completely breathless, frozen as he just fell.
Both men wrote suicide notes, but neither of the notes would ever be read by the intended audience.
AN: The letters Kurt and Blaine had written will be posted soon.