A/N: Just a reminder, this is an AU Clexa story. Also, the title of this story is based off of the song "Naked" by Brielle Von Hugel, and if you choose to listen to it, you might find that, in time, it really does relate to the story. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think
Clarke fiddled with the hem of her baggy, black sweatshirt as she stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the townhouse before her with uncertainty. She couldn't fight the apprehension that had already overcome her, and a large part of her wondered if she should just turn and walk away from the building, leaving that red door behind her without ever looking back. The logical side of her, though, knew that doing so would be idiotic, and dangerous, and unwise. Even if the thought of knocking on that door was damn near petrifying, she knew that she needed to do this. She just wasn't sure if she was ready to see the woman on the other side of that door.
Come on, Griffin, she willed herself after another moment of staring anxiously at the three concrete steps that lead up to the front door. Just get it over with. If she hates you, she hates you. But you have to do this.
She shut her eyes, inhaled a deep, cold breath, and took the last few tentative steps forward until she was standing right there. Right in front of that damned door. He lifted up her hand, and for a few seconds, it only hovered there, an inch away from the wood. Then, after granting herself one final moment of self-reassurance, she rapped on the door, gritting her teeth slightly as her knuckles made contact with the surface.
She didn't breathe as she waited for a few silent seconds. Maybe she would get lucky, in a sense. Maybe the light that shone through the window had been left on accidentally. Maybe no one was there. Maybe no one would answer that door and she would be able to turn and walk back down the pavement in the opposite direction, saving her humiliation for only herself. Maybe she wouldn't have to fear the rejection that she feared, or, possibly even worse, the forgiveness that she feared. She was prepared to turn around -to retreat from this god-awful decision that she'd allowed her emotions to control- but before she could do so, she heard the click of the door being unlocked and light leaked out from behind the doorframe into the damp darkness of the night.
Clarke's heart stopped. She kept her head turned down, but with her eyes looked up to the face of the woman before her. She gulped nervously, not knowing what to expect but, at the same time, knowing that some sort of pain would follow her arrival. Or rather, her return.
"Hi, can I help yo-"
Raven stopped mid-sentence, her eyes widening and her own heart betraying her as she recognized the eyes of the girl who stood in front of her. Had it not been for those eyes -those unforgettable, crystalline blue eyes- she might not have recognized the girl so quickly. Clarke's appearance wasn't one that Raven would have expected, and in a sense, the girl was almost unrecognizable in more than a few ways. The baggy sweatshirt practically swallowed the blonde's figure, making her look even smaller than she already was, and her hood was pulled up over her head, casting a shadow over her face. She almost looked like she was hiding herself under the hood of the sweatshirt, and something about the girl's appearance just seemed off. Raven, however, was too overwhelmed with the shock of Clarke's return to really comprehend just how 'off' things really with with her former best friend.
"Clarke," Raven deadpanned, the name falling from her mouth harsher than she'd even intended for it to sound. "What are you doing here?"
Clarke didn't know how to respond. She didn't know how to react to Raven's immediate response to her being there, and while she certainly hadn't expected any sort of warm welcome, the near hatred in her friend's eyes was enough to leave her with a pain in her heart.
"Raven, I-" she paused, stumbling over her words, and she closed her eyes, trying to think of the right thing to say. She'd had everything planned out. Over and over again, she'd handwritten exactly what she had wanted to tell Raven. She'd had everything listed, everything rehearsed, everything simplified. Now, though, her mind was running a blank and she didn't even know how to get out a single sentence. She didn't know how to explain herself, or even just her presence. "I-"
"Spit it out, Griffin," Raven replied coldly, "or get the hell off of my doorstep." The brunette was being especially hostile, but truth be told, she was simultaneously overcome with relief at seeing the blonde in person. She didn't actually want Clarke to leave. Deep down -and she was aware of it- she desperately wanted Clarke to explain the reason for her absence, and for her sudden reappearance, but she was still pissed. And she had a damn right to be.
That was when things accelerated. Clarke's head started spinning as she tried to formulate something that would make sense. She couldn't find the right words, though. She couldn't even find the thoughts. All of her reasons for being there, all of her explanations for why she'd even left in the first place, were suddenly gone from her mind. She just knew that she'd messed up by even showing up there in the first place. Raven hated her, and popping up out of nowhere without any warning had been more than just a dumb decision. It had been a mistake. Raven deserved better, and she had every reason to hate her. Clarke didn't know what else to do, though. She didn't have any other options. Anyone else she could turn to. This had been her last real home, her last safe place, and she didn't know what to do. Her breathing sped up as the world started spinning around her, and she wasn't even aware of the fact that she was mumbling out words as she could feel herself beginning to slip into what likely would lead to a panic attack.
"I- I don't- I fucked up- I- I don't know what-" the blonde stammered almost incoherently, feeling somewhat lightheaded. "I tried, I tried to- I don't know- I don't have anywhere else to go, I just-"
Clarke just kept spitting out nonsense phrases, and Raven's anger was instantly diminished and replaced with confusion and concern as she looked at the girl with blue eyes who was undoubtedly beginning to hyperventilate. Something was wrong. Something was really, really wrong.
"Clarke," Raven spoke sharply, attempting to grab her friend's attention. "Clarke, honey, look at me," Raven tried. "What's going on?"
Clarke didn't even seem to realize how Raven's demeanor had changed. She just shook her head, eyes wide and wet, filled with what Raven sickeningly made out to be utter fear. "No, I- I should go." She suddenly turned, her voice shaking as she placed her foot on the first step to walk away. "I'm sorry, Rae, I-"
"Clarke, stop," Raven insisted.
She practically jumped forward, grabbing the blonde's upper arm in an attempt to stop her. With a sharp gasp, Clarke immediately yanked it out of Raven's grip and looked back, almost momentarily frozen with a look of terror on her face, which was now illuminated by the fully-open door of the townhouse. Raven could feel her stomach drop as, for the first time, she got a clear look at her friend's face. She wasn't sure what frightened her the most: the bloodied lip and the bruises, or the look of absolute panic that consumed Clarke's expression.
She stepped back, lifting her hands up into the air to show that she meant no harm, and Clarke seemed to relax slightly, but she still looked distraught. She still looked scared.
"Clarke," Raven breathed, "please, come inside. Okay?"
Clarke seemed to hesitate for a moment, but as soon as she saw the genuine concern and almost desperation in Raven's eyes, she nodded and stepped through the doorframe, inwardly sighing with slight relief. She was still nervous, she was still in a slight state of panic, and her breathing was still faster and somewhat shallower than what it should have been, but Raven had actually let her inside, and she actually seemed to care. Maybe the brunette didn't hate her as much as she'd worried.
Raven closed and locked the door gently behind her, and as she turned to look back toward her clearly distressed friend, she wasn't even sure what to do or say. All that she knew was that Clarke was her best friend, regardless of everything that had happened between them, and something was really wrong.
Her eyes went to Clarke's face instantly, scanning the injuries that were most abundant on the right side of her face. It looked even worse in the white light of the apartment. Before Raven could even make any detailed observations, though, Clarke turned the right side of her face away from her concerned friend, knowing exactly what the brunette was thinking.
"Look, Raven, I-" she paused, taking a breath as she tried her best to remain as calm as she could manage. "I'm sorry, I know-"
"Hey, hey, stop," Raven interrupted softly but firmly with a shake of her head. "You don't need to apologize for anything right now. Okay?"
Clarke's jaw was set as she willed herself not to let any tears fall, and she refused to make eye contact with her friend. She was beginning to calm down more, though, and she just swallowed the knot in her throat as she took in a few slow breaths. When Raven didn't receive a response, the brunette slowly and gently placed her hand on Clarke's chin, getting the girl to look at her. Raven's heart shattered once more as she saw the look of absolute sorrow -of some unknown pain- in Clarke's eyes, and it took everything she had in her not to wrap the blonde up into a hug right in that moment.
"Let me see," Raven instructed, her voice firm yet still gentle.
Clarke looked desperately at her, pleadingly. She knew that she couldn't have expected anything else from her, but she still didn't want Raven to actually have to see the injuries. She didn't want Raven to have to worry about her. And she really didn't want to have to see more of that pity than she was already seeing.
"Raven, please," Clarke begged. "I'm fine, I promise. I just... I don't want to talk about it."
That hurt, but Raven knew better than to push her friend. It was hard to get Clarke to open up when things were serious, and considering just how serious this was, Raven knew that she wouldn't be able to convince her to talk. This was more than just something going on emotionally, though. She was injured.
"You're hurt, Clarke..." Raven tried softly once more.
I'm fine, Clarke wanted to say. She didn't, though. Because she knew that she wasn't fine, and she knew that Raven was well aware of that as well.
"I know," she opted instead, turning her head away just slightly again. Maybe a little bit of truth would be alright for now. "But Rae," she sighed, then paused, as if searching for the right words to say, or even just any words to say. She felt ashamed, she felt lost, she felt like a disappointment. She just didn't know what to say.
Raven could pick up on Clarke's embarrassment, though, and as much as she wanted to check to make sure that Clarke's injuries weren't too serious, she also knew how hard the blonde could be on herself and she couldn't bear to see the girl feel any shame in whatever had happened to her. Raven's stomach turned just thinking about it. What had happened to her?
"Okay," Raven breathed, moving her hand to Clarke's shoulder. "Okay, we don't have to talk about it, C. Not if you're not ready."
Clarke met Raven's eyes, incredible, but heartbreaking, gratitude within them. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice threatening to betray her if she were to speak any louder.
Raven just offered her friend a small, sad smile and nodded. "Come here," she replied in a quiet voice as she opened her arms up, hoping that Clarke would at least be comfortable enough for a hug.
To Raven's relief, the she didn't even hesitate. Rather, she accepted Raven's embrace instantly, holding on tightly to her as she let out a shaky, emotional breath. It wasn't long before Clarke was practically clinging onto the back of Raven's shirt, sobbing silently into her chest. Raven could feel her own stomach flipping each time a quiet sob racked Clarke's body, and she gently ran her hand up and down the length of the blonde's back, hoping that she could be at least some source of consolation for her. Little did Raven know, this was the most comfort that Clarke had received from anyone in the past four months.
Clark wasn't really sure when or how they had wound up on the bed in her room down the hall. The exhaustion, mixed with the emotion and mixed with the pain, accounted for the 'lost time.' Raven wasn't even sure how much time had passed until Clarke's sobs had dwindled down from cries to the occasional sniffle. She herself was exhausted, despite having only shed a few tears, and she kept her hand on Clarke's back. The blonde was curled up into a fetal position, her head resting on Raven's lap, and the brunette couldn't even imagine what had lead up to this moment, what possibly could have happened to her best friend. She didn't want to imagine it. But she feared it. She feared what might have happened, what she knew she couldn't just ask, what she hoped she would never have to hear.
When Clarke did finally open her eyes, she took in a shaky, quiet breath. She didn't have the energy to get up, but Raven, aware that Clarke had now calmed down and that her eyes were open, brought her hand up to Clarke's head, rubbing her thumb along the back of her skull in an attempt to keep her comforted.
"It'll be okay," Raven whispered reassuringly, hoping that Clarke could sense the sincerity in her words. "We'll get through this, C. We'll get through this."
She woke up in a cold sweat, her eyes wide and her heart beating faster than any healthy human's heart should beat. She sucked in a deep breath, panic seizing her momentarily as she scanned her surroundings. The fear still consumed her, but when she saw where she was -the light grey walls, the black floating shelf across the room just above the dresser, the painting that hung next to the window- she managed to calm herself down. She knew where she was. She was home. She was safe. She didn't need to feel so afraid, she didn't need to feel so sick from the fear. But still, even twenty minutes later, there she was, sitting at the base of her bed with her legs dangling off the edge, well aware of the fact that she wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep.
Eventually, she glanced at the alarm clock that sat on the nightstand. 2:13 AM. She tried to think about what time it had been when she'd gotten back to Raven's place. It couldn't have been any later than ten at night, she figured. She wasn't sure when she'd fallen asleep, but that probably couldn't have been any earlier than midnight, or maybe even one in the morning, which meant that Clarke had gotten about a solid hour of sleep, if even that. She let out an exhausted sigh. What else could she have expected, anyway?
She bit her swollen lip, ignoring the pain that it caused to do so. She felt guilty for even being there. She hadn't spoken to Raven in four months. She'd left suddenly, harshly, and without any real reason, and as much as Clarke wished she could come up with some sort of justifiable excuse, she knew that there was no excusing her sudden disappearance. It hadn't been fair to Raven. It hadn't been fair to Octavia, or to Bellamy, or to any of their friends. And now here Clarke was, back in her old room, barging right back into their lives when she really didn't deserve any forgiveness, or for things to go back to normal.
Normal.
She bit her lip harder at the thought. Things definitely weren't 'back to normal,' and she knew that they probably never would be. Too much had changed, too much had happened.
Still, though, she couldn't help but feel guilty when she thought about the position that she'd put Raven into. What was Clarke even thinking, just showing up at the door like that? Raven hadn't been giving any warning. She hadn't even been given the opportunity to say no to helping Clarke. Clarke didn't even give her a real choice, she'd just barged right on into Raven's life again, and she Raven didn't deserve that. Raven didn't deserve to have to take care of a sobbing Clarke, or to let Clarke stay, even if it might only be fore a few days. If anything, Clarke was the one who owed Raven. She was the one who should have been doing something for the brunette. Not the other way around.
She shook her head light, pushing herself up off of the bed. Sure, it was two in the morning, but she didn't really feel like she was getting much sleep anyway. She settled on the idea of going to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Raven should have been asleep in her own room by now, and Clarke didn't exactly mind the idea of sitting back down in that kitchen, just knowing that she was back at home, even if it wasn't her home anymore.
She opened the door quietly, then padded down the hallway softly on bare feet, hoping she wouldn't wake Raven. When the blonde noticed the light from the kitchen area that illuminated a small section of the hallway, though, she stopped in her tracks as she heard Raven's soft voice.
"Yeah, no, I just didn't know how to react," Raven sighed sadly.
When she continued again after a brief silence, Clarke decided that the brunette was probably on the phone. She hadn't planned on eavesdropping, but when Clarke heard Raven's tone, and when she heard Raven sniffle, it instantly felt wrong for her to intrude on the moment just for a glass of water. She couldn't quite pull her away from the wall either, though.
"You didn't see her, O," Raven's voice cracked. "If you'd been here, I-" she stopped, sniffling again, and there was a brief moment of silence before she spoke up again. "No. No, I don't think so. It looked serious, O. She didn't tell me what happened, and I'm not gonna push it. Not yet, at least. But if she tries to tell me that it's 'not a big deal' just like she always does, I..."
She trailed off, sighing once more, and Clarke bit her lip once more. She knew that it was wrong to stand there and to listen to Raven's conversation with Octavia, but at the same time, they were talking about her.
"I'm just scared, Octavia," Raven breathed softly after a minute. "Yeah, I was pissed that she left. And you know, I still am. It's not like all of a sudden I just don't care about everything that's happened. But Jesus, O, I'm worried about her, about where she's been. About what-" Raven stopped, her voice catching in her throat, and after a brief moment she continued in a lower, more serious voice. "About what happened to her."
Clarke's heart stopped as she heard Raven's words. Yeah, obviously Raven was going to wonder. Obviously she was going to care -it was Raven after all. But Clarke didn't want Raven to have to deal with that. She didn't want her best friend to have to worry about what had happened to her. She didn't want her to have any idea, let alone know, what had happened.
She took a deep breath, collecting herself so that she just appeared to be casually walking into the kitchen, and rounded the corner.
"Oh, hey," Clarke spoke, attempting to look surprised that Raven was awake as she walked through the dining room over toward the open kitchen.
Raven's eyes widened for a moment, like she was worried about what Clarke might have overheard, before she gave Clarke a small, concerned expression. "Clarke, you should be sleeping," she said. "Hang on."
"O, I gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Raven hung up the phone a second later.
"Clarke, it's two in the morning," Raven spoke, eying the blonde nervously as she walked over to one of the cabinets.
Clarke offered Raven a small facade of a smile. "I just need some water," she replied quietly. She reached up and opened the cabinet door where the glasses had always been when she'd lived with Raven. Instead of glasses, however, Clarke was met with plates and bowls.
Raven didn't miss the confusion on Clarke's face, and seeing the small sense of a sorrowful realization on Clarke's face felt, once more, like a punch to the gut, even for the brunette who, previously, had quite ordered the girl to get off of her doorstep.
"Here," Raven offered, climbing off of the barstool and opening a different cabinet. She pulled down a glass cup, filled it with water, and handed it to Clarke. She met the blonde's eyes and offered her a small, sad, and just slightly apologetic friendly smile. "I, uh, I might've done a little rearranging," she explained. "it was... a long couple of months, and I guess a few things just changed."
Clarke's eyes moved to the floor as she nodded. "Yeah," she whispered, her mind drifting.
A lot more than the location of a couple of glasses and dishes had changed, and Clarke was well aware of that. Additionally, she was even more aware of the fact that she was the reason for most of the changes. Still, though, Raven was allowing the blonde to stay in her home, to drink her water, to sleep in one of her beds. Clarke didn't know how to even tell the brunette what was really going on in her life. She didn't know how to tell her about where she'd been for the past four months, or about why she hadn't even attempted communication, or about what had happened to her. Why her lip was split and her eye was swollen. She didn't know how to tell her how goddamn grateful she was that Raven had offered to let her stay at the townhouse as long as necessary. She didn't know how to thank the brunette for being there for her, even when Clarke, already, probably wasn't making it a very easy task. But she did know that she had to try.
"Raven," Clarke said, her voice a little shaky as she looked up, meeting the brunettes eyes with her own. There was raw emotion present in the blonde's deep blue eyes, and Raven just raised her eyebrows softly, knowing that whatever about to tell her, it was serious. Genuine. "Thank you."
Okay, so I know this probably already seems like a bit of a slow-burn (which it will be), but I'm planning on introducing Lexa in the next chapter. Anyway, yeah. I hope you guys can enjoy. Often times I haven't been a fan of AU stories for this particular show, but more recently I've found myself enjoying them a lot, so I figured I might give it a try. So, for those of you who are interested, please do leave a review. It's very appreciated.