My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work
We are celebrating Mother's Day here in the UK (March 10th 2013) so...
Mother's Day
Things aren't good between us, we haven't spoken in months... and it's Mother's Day, or will be this Sunday. I'm her only son and I've got this nagging voice inside my head telling me that I can't ignore that day, that I can't ignore her on that day.
She wasn't always there for me, some would say she wasn't the best of mothers, but I know she loves me, that she always has, and that what I feel for her is love. She needs to know that. Despite recent events, that hasn't changed, and what better day to let her know that than on Mother's Day.
I'll send her some flowers, a nice big colourful bouquet. I know it will make her day, that she'll place them in pride of place, and make sure everyone knows that I sent them.
I know some people won't be impressed by the gesture, Debbie for one, she still hates Chas, Cain does too. They expect me to side with them in this ongoing family feud, and so far I have. I hate what my mum did, the hurt she's caused, but I think I've punished her enough now. It's time I did the grown up thing and set about mending the cracks in our relationship. We've done it before, we've survived a lot worse... like her walking out on me when I was a kid. It took me a long time to forgive her for that, to trust her again. I still don't understand how she could do it but I do know she regrets what she did, and that if she could turn back time she would do things differently.
We grew a lot closer after Jackson died, she didn't always know what to say or do but she was always there for me during that nightmare time. She stood by me, supported me, defended me, and she tried to protect me from more hurt... everything a mother would do for her child. There was one issue though, she hated the fact I was so close to Hazel, she resented her, blamed her for...
Hazel!
How could I have forgotten her at such a time? She won't be getting any flowers, she won't even get a card! I know Jackson always made a big fuss of her on Mother's Day, wherever she was in the world he made sure she received a bunch of her favourite blooms, along with a heartfelt message, one thanking her for being such a wonderful mum... he loved his Mum so very much.
I used to get a little envious of their relationship at times. They were so close, Hazel doted on him, and had been there for him since day one, he'd never doubted her love, she'd never given him any reason to. And Hazel had loved him enough to let him go, to let her 'beautiful boy' go.
Jackson had been 'my boy' too! I remember telling Hazel that on that awful day in Whitby. The two of us had stood there hand in hand, both tearful, both fearing we were losing him... and we did lose him.
Jackson's death brought us so much closer too, but then when it all started to go wrong, when I started to fall apart... she was a constant reminder of the terrible thing I'd done, of what I'd lost. It couldn't go on, it wasn't healthy and we'd both eventually realised that. So we'd stood together one last time, by Jackson's grave, crying for him and crying for the two of us, because as strong as the bond had become between me and Hazel, we were having to say goodbye. It was the only way we could move on.
We've kept in touch, Hazel texts me every month or so, checking up on me, wanting to know if I'm looking after myself, if I'm eating ok. She still cares about me, worries about me... she still thinks of me as a son.
Her messages are always so upbeat, so positive. She's getting on with her life, just like I am, just like Jackson had wanted us to do. But I know she'll still have her bad days, days when tears will overwhelm her, when her loss proves too much to bear. Sunday will be one such day, she'll ache for her son, remember all the previous Mother's Days, when her son was still in her life.
I know she's in some hot clime, but no matter how warm the sun is, the day will be lacking in warmth, lacking in light... because it will be lacking what was the most precious thing in her life.
I promised Jackson I'd look out for her, be there for her... I've not been able to do that but there is something I can do to help warm and brighten this and every other Mother's Day. There is something I can do to thank and honour her, to let her know she's loved, like every mother should be on that day, I can send her flowers, her favourite blooms... just like Jackson used to do.
End