'Things unsaid' By Kathryn Lucas - PG
Category - Story Romance
Spoilers - Redux and Detour
Keywords - Mulder/Scully Romance
Summary - Set during Detour. Scully reflects on her feelings for Mulder as she sings to him in the forest. Mulder reflects on her feelings for her as he drives to make sure she is safe at the motel. And they
both confront their feelings back in Washington.
Disclaimer - Mulder and Scully belong to 1013 productions and 20th Century Fox. As does the plot for Detour which I have borrowed for this story. I only wish they belonged to me. The song "Blackbird' is by the Beatles and doesn't belong to me either.
'Things unsaid' By Kathryn Lucas
Part One Scully - All your life
'If I were king of the world,
I'll tell you what I'd do,
I'd throw away the cars
and the bars and wars.
And I'd make sweet love to you.'
I could hear Mulder's even breaths, feel his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm. He was asleep. I could stop singing, but I had come to find it comforting. I pushed his hair out of his eyes and began to sing again.
'Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly,
all your life,
You've just been waiting
for this moment to arise'
The dark stillness made me think, but I was not afraid, not with Mulder so close. The events of the past weeks have given me a lot to think about. A month beforehand I had been preparing to die, and then my death sentence had been lifted. I had a lot to contemplate.
My relationship with Mulder was foremost in my mind. I guess it wasn't until I faced death that I realised just how deep my feelings for him went. That day in the hospital, when Mulder had to leave. It was then that I realised I loved him. As I felt his hand pull gently away and struggled to hold back my tears, I understood and I almost said something to him then and there.
But something held me back. In the following hours I grew weaker and weaker and Mulder did not return. I felt as though I had only realised my feelings in time to never be able to tell him. I wrote him a letter. That I planned to leave for him in case I was unable to tell him myself. I still had it safe at home.
Then I went into remission. I was overcome with a feeling, which I had never experienced before and so was unable to identify. I promised myself faithfully, I would talk to Mulder but it hasn't been that easy. I have tried.
Like the night before, when I had gone to his room bearing wine, cheese and innuendo. We had flirted before but we both knew that we had entered new territory. It was a very bold and unscully thing to do and o.k. so it didn't up end as I may have hoped but I realised that it would take time and I enjoyed the feeling of liberation it gave me. I knew that Mulder was just a little wary of the new me, the Scully who isn't going to let life pass her by anymore.
I was looking forward to exploring the new aspects of our relationship. I hoped that Mulder felt the same.
Part Two Mulder - Plenty of time?
The fear which consumed me was not unfamiliar. But I guess after Scully's cancer went into remission I had felt as though all my worries had been banished forever. When it dawned on me that the creature might come after Scully
I was gripped with panic.
A few weeks before I had been preparing to lose Scully. It was the worst feeling I had ever experienced, without exception. When I heard of Scully's collapse it was as though my life was slowly down. And when I had seen her on that bed and heard the most heart breaking sentence ever uttered from my A.D. 'She's dying'
It was as though my knees had been cut out from under me. But accompanying that was a blinding revelation. I loved her. But I couldn't bear the thought that our last days together might be ruined by me telling her something she didn't want to hear. So I kept my feelings to myself determined she would die in peace.
Then she went into remission and I swore to myself I would come clean about how I felt. As I had lain on her lap the night before, listening to her sing 'Blackbird' as she thought I was sleeping. I listened to the lyrics and the wonderful sound of her voice and I nearly told her.
Nearly.
But I thought she would have enough to deal with, without my feelings to add to her burden. And I thought I had plenty of time.
But as I raced through those roads, praying I was not too late , I realised I didn't have plenty of time at all. And that if I ever wanted true happiness, I had to tell Dana Scully I loved her.
Part Three Facing the truth.
Mulder sat uneasily. He was trying to endure the constant chatter of the two agents in the front. Scully was seemingly interested but he could see through her charade. She was as bored as he was. He wished that he had rented a car for them. He desperately wanted to talk to Scully, but unfortunately there was no hope of any privacy. She glanced over at him and rolled her eyes. He grinned and her mouth twitched momentarily into a smile. Mulder beamed inwardly. She
looked so beautiful when she smiled he thought.
Scully nodded at Agent Stunseifer but had no idea what she was responding to. She hoped she hadn't just agreed to something she shouldn't have. She had tried to listen to the pair in the front but it was not that easy her thoughts kept drifting to Mulder sitting beside her. She wished not for the first time that trip that they were in a car by themselves. She would have enjoyed a good conversation she thought to herself. Maybe she would even have plucked up the courage to tell him
"Agent Scully" Agent Kensley said waking her from her daydream "We are at your apartment."
"Thanks " Scully managed opening the door and yawning. She went to get her bags from the trunk. Mulder joined her.
"I'll get out her too," he said "Save you some time ...and my sanity'" he added under his breath. Scully grinned.
"Well.."Mulder began
"Do you want to come up for coffee?" Scully interrupted. "I promise not to mention team seminars"
"O.K." Mulder agreed.
Scully entered the room carrying two mugs of steaming coffee.
"Thanks" Mulder said as she handed him one.
"So, how are you feeling?" Scully said indicating the bandage by his shoulder.
"Much better actually. I slept like a baby on that drive"
"I know what you mean" Scully smiled again. Mulder couldn't help staring.
"Well, after a night's sleep on my comfy couch at home I should be right as rein." He smiled
"Are you saying my lap is not comfortable Mulder?" Scully said laughing
"Of course not Scully, but my apartment is much warmer than the woods." He grinned at her.
"Well just as long as you are o.k. to work on Monday, we will have a mountain of paperwork to catch up on." Scully sighed.
"Please don't talk about that" Mulder said rolling his eyes. "I can't stand paperwork"
"I'd noticed, I seem to end up doing all of it" She said accusingly.
An awkward silence descended. The air hung with tension which was normally ignored.
"Mulder..."
"Scully..." They said simultaneously.
"After you, " Mulder said
"O.k. " Scully conceded, taking a breath indicating to Mulder that what she was about to say wasn't to be taken lightly. "When I was talking about my cancer before, in the forest I was trying to tell you... about how it feels to think it is all over and then be suddenly out of danger. It helps you face up to things,...feelings..." She hesitated
"Scully, when I thought I was going to lose you I did a lot of thinking too."
"I wrote you a letter, Mulder, when I thought that I might never be able to tell you everything I wanted to say." She got up and pulled a piece of paper out of a drawer.
"I'd like you to read it. But you have to realise that it faces up to things we have ignored for years and I will totally understand if you want to leave them that way. But I need them out in the open." She paused "If there is one thing this experience had taught me, Mulder, it is not to leave things unsaid." She handed him the piece of crisp white paper.
He began to read.
Dear Mulder,
In the years which I have known you, you have become my closest friend. We have travelled many roads side by side and now that I am reaching the end of my journey, there are some things I must say to you.
Mulder, we are best friends, there is no one I have ever met with whom I feel or have felt a closer connection to. It is only now that I realise that I love you. It tears at my heart that we will never be able to explore that feeling.
But we have shared so much together that somehow I can still summon a smile when I think of you.
I might be reaching the end of my journey Mulder, but still have far to travel, I am deeply sorry I will not travel it with you, but you must know that I will always be with you, through all you experience I will watch over you. Please do not waste your life, please give my life, and death, meaning by continuing your search, our search, for the truth. And through it all remember that I love you and even if I seem far away I will never leave you.
All my love,
Scully
Mulder looked up at her with tears in his eyes. She felt her eyes fill also. He stood and without words took her face in his hands and kissed her.
THE END!
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