The Naruto Soap Opera; Shinobi Years Gone By

By Neko Ribbon-chan

Series: Naruto

Genre: Humor/Parody

Rating: PG-13 (for possible cursing, violence, and odd relationships.)

Summary: A story following the sorrowful toils of the Naruto characters in a soap opera setting. Watch as they learn farfetched dark pasts, cheat on each other, and fight. Yay.

The Naruto Soap Opera

Shinobi Years Gone By

Episode 1

Cheesy music plays as bloated flowers unfurl across your screen. Loopy writing proclaiming "Shinobi Years Gone By" scrawls across the middle of this floral display. After the annoying tune hits its end, we fade into a scene.

Mitarashi Anko stood in the middle of her cluttered kitchen, laying a hand over her forehead. Between her sighs of utter anguish, she shot darting glances at the door leading to her suburban living room, as though waiting for someone. After several minutes of this, she declared "Oh, I wonder how my beloved is doing!"

As if to answer her statement, Kurenai walked in from nowhere, a grave look on her face. "Anko! Asuma got back from surgery!"

Anko looks over to her, gasping dramatically. "Really! And what was the outcome!"

"He…" Kurenai sobbed into her convenient hanky which had just appeared. "…Has been diagnosed with LUNG CANCER!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" The distressed woman dropped to the ground, which actually resulted in much dirt on her clothing, suddenly crying hysterically. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Kurenai looked up from her now thoroughly wet handkerchief. "…Well… He DID smoke twenty-four seven…"

"It was so unexpected! I thought those forty back crunches I command him to do each day were keeping him from illness and disease!"

"…And recently he's been coughing a lot…"

"Why, oh why! Should I nail him to a wall, to raise his endurance! Or is it TOO LATE!"

"….Now that I think of it, almost all of us knew it was bound to happen…"

Anko pulled herself up, pointing at Kurenai in an accusing manner. "YOU! You act so passive, BUT TSUNADE TOLD ME THE TRUTH!"

Kurenai looked towards her, eyes widened as the background melody hit a note of suspense, waiting for whatever shocking thing she was about to hear.

"YOU LOVED HIM!"

Kurenai burst into tears, yet again. "OH, HOW DID YOU KNOW!"

She continued, pretending not to hear last statement because she'd already explained how she knew. "YOU AND HIM WERE TOGETHER EIGHT YEARS AGO!"

"WAHHHH! IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE!" The dark haired woman ran out of the house, giving no gesture of goodbye as she disappeared into the city.

Anko stood there, appearing a bit confused, then shrugged and headed over to her couch to sit.

Oh, Asuma, she thought, eyes wide and sparkling. Will you live through this trauma?

As her echoed thoughts ended, the door slammed open, and Tsunade, Shizune, and Shino filed in. Tsunade had a dazed look on her face, Shizune was clinging to her, and Shino was just sorta standing behind them. Shizune was first to speak. "Anko! Something terrible happened!"

She snapped to attention. "What is it?"

"Tsunade lost her memory, minutes before we tried to introduce her to her long lost son!"

"…Huh? Long lost son?"

Shizune pointed to Shino. "Him!" The two women immediately shifted their gazes to the boy in the oversized jacket, who was adjusting his sunglasses. Noticing them staring, he waved slowly, trying to figure out what their problems were.

After several minutes of uncomfortable silence, the violent instructor replied, "…Well… Don't you have anything to SAY about this matter?"

He shook his head. "Ummm… No."

Shizune frowned, tilting her head to the side. "You sure?"

"Positive."

Tsunade, who had absolutely no idea what was going on, interjected "Are you really sure?"

Shino raised an eyebrow, but chose not to justify this with an answer.

After a bit more silence, Anko exclaimed, "My, this is a dilemma!"

Tsunade's assistant nodded fervently. "It's just so horrible, isn't it!"

The blonde herself looked at each of them, shrugged, then headed off to the kitchen to get something to eat. Shino followed.

Shizune morosely collapsed to the floor, which was becoming a quite popular action. "Poor, poor Tsunade! Now she will live life in this phase, as innocent as a child, not knowing who her long lost son is!"

Anko gave her a sympathetic look. "There, there… My special boiling-mud-with-nails energy tea should make it all better."

"Oh, no, that's okay."

"You sure?"

"Quite."

"Suit yourself. I'm making myself some." She went off into the garage for a minute, leaving Shizune waiting patiently on the floor, then came back and took a seat on the couch, her companion following suit. "So," she began. "How did this happen?"

"Well… Tsunade, Shino, and I were discussing her hidden past, which she had forgotten after the car accident two years ago, when she fainted with joy, injuring her head greatly."

Anko sipped from her delicate china teacup, filled with her homemade beverage. "I see… Who's Shino's father, anyway?"

Shizune paused. "I don't want you to be upset, but… Asuma."

She squeezed the cup until it broke, scattering its lethal contents across the carpet.

Taking that as her signal to continue, she replied "It was while he was with Kurenai, eight years ago."

Calming down a bit, Anko blinked. "What? Then wouldn't Shino be eight?"

"I don't know…"

"And why didn't we notice her pregnant?"

"Maybe-"

"Where's that kid been for all these years?"

"Just listen, okay!"

She shut up.

"We don't know yet; That's for later episodes to vividly cover!"

"Ohhhh… I'm sorry."

"Don't mention it." Shizune got up, preparing to leave. "Anyway, I'm leaving the amnesia case and her spawn with you."

"Whaa…? Really?"

"Yep." She gathered whatever random things she'd brought with her and proceeded out. "Goodbye!"

Anko waved, now envisioning how great it would be to have some cuddly new friends to torture whenever she wanted. "Don't come back too soon!"

"I won't!"

Once she was just a fading figure beyond the sunset, Anko hurried into the kitchen to visit her guests. Tsunade was pushing an egg across the counter with her nail for no apparent reason as Shino watched intently.

"Soooo," Anko began. "Are you guys hungry?"

They shook their heads.

She casually drummed her fingers against the table, checking her watch. The mother and son continued their strange game.

She lingered for a bit, trying to figure out why this was keeping them so entertained, before her miniscule attention span got the better of her, and she left.

Flopping down on her bed, Anko stared up at her plaster celing, the earth shattering events replaying in her mind.

This was such an eventful day today…! Asuma has lung cancer, Kurenai was once with him, and so was Tsunade, who has a long lost son and no recollection of anything! How tragic!

Will we ever be truly happy?

Will any of this stop?

What else will happen next in our Shinobi Years Gone By?

Cue corny ending theme, and roll credits.

AN: Well, here's my rebound to the fanfic world! After a year, I finally am writing another one! My first was a poorly done Yu-Gi-Oh one which I prefer to forget. Luckily, I have a little more faith in this one.

Comments? Criticism? Ideas? Flames?

Review then! It'll give me inspiration to write!

Ja!

-Neko Ribbon-chan