You Still Love Him
A/N: Make sure to have read, "If I Love You, Then Why…?" before because this is the second one!
Order: If I Love You, Then Why…?
You Still Love Him
Blinded By A Dream
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Yay!
Summary: You still love him, from what our sixth year allowed. You still want him to be as happy as he was those months you held each other. You do not want to seal the fate of his everlasting sorrow, but you will.
You Still Love Him
You rested in his arms. You loved him like me to you. You needed to hold him tight, and you needed him, it's true. He was my best friend, and you were his girl. You were everything he could have wanted. He was more than anything you could have asked for. I know this.
I know that he was the perfect match for you. He spoke to you, words so sweet, as though from a song. His arms fit around you perfectly. He was your life. The love of your life. He alighted your eyes. He was the one that could make you smile.
But so was I. I was all that. I could have been all that to you. When you spent your sixth year, most of it, if not all, in his arms. After three months in school, until the last day of our sixth year. You claimed each other as your own. And you gave me the choice of pain and hear ache or bitterness and hate.
I could have dropped Remus, the moment he told me he had become your whole world. I could have left and cursed his name. I could have dueled him… I could have banished him from my life. He could have been no longer a friend of mine. And he was the only one to know I cried over you.
I had the brains, but not the heart to tear you apart. Any moment I could have pulled you away from him. Any moment you could have become something more to me, more than a dream. I could have kissed you so many times; I'm surprised Remus never caught me. I tired once. You probably remember.
You were going to Hogsmeade to meet Remus after your Charms club meeting. I stayed after, making up some reason of why I needed to stay. But the reality is, I stay4ed for you. I stayed to try to win your affections. After asking you to stay with me, you told me what you were supposed to do. I acted as thought I didn't know that, and I let you go.
I respected that you needed to be with the one you loved, and that guy wasn't me. It was something I had to get over. I had to learn to live with Lily and Remus. I had to push aside the part of James Potter that loved Lily Evans. I had to tear a part of myself off for the Hippogriffs to eat.
Was it easy? No. Was it the right thing to do? For me, hardly. But for you and Remus, it was the thing I owed. You had come to Remus and spilled out your feelings for him. You had told him that you fancied him. Otherwise, there would be no Lily and Remus. Hogsmeade visits would not consist of you two drinking butterbeers. It would not consist of you sitting in his arms and smiling up at him.
Even now, you do not play with my hair. We've been together since seventh year. We're getting married in twenty-four hours and you do not play with my hair. You look into my hazel eyes and you smile, but as of now, I do see the pain in your eyes. Because I know, you know, we all know, that you're doing something that will kill one of our friends. Remus is about to be torn into three different pieces. Part of him will be our friend, another part will love you without question, and another part will hate me with every atom in his body.
You know this. You are sealing his fate, not ours, by putting on these wedding rings. You are leaving him to be bound forever, to the memories of you and him together. Of what once was, and will never, ever be again. You will, undoubtedly, leave him with hope. Tomorrow you will not be crying tears of joy, on your mask will show the smile as you lean up to kiss me, pronouncing us man-and-wife. You will cry, because deep inside you love him. You love both of us.
You don't think I know this, Lily, but I do. I see how whenever he's around, you leave my arms. There's ever-so-often the occasion when you aren't preparing to leave my arms at the sight of him. Part of me hates that, but I can only appreciate your wishes, and keep them close to my heart. I cannot push you into something. I could never hold you against your will.
You still love him, from what our sixth year allowed. You still want him to be as happy as he was those months you held each other. You do not want to seal the fate of his everlasting sorrow, but you will. You don't want to, but this is what you have chosen. He will forever, forever, hold on to what you two had when we were sixteen. It was real to him, and it's still real to a part of you.
I do not feel you love me any less than you would if Remus was never the love of your life. I can feel your hear aching for him, but I can se the smile you so willingly show when you wake up and see me every morning. I know you love both of us, but to the point where pain is inevitable. Tomorrow, you will begin his everlasting life of despair, as he will wish of you becoming his, for the rest of his life. Until God decides it is his time to depart from this world.
You know this. But it never stopped you from loving me. It never stopped you from needing me. You will always love him, because when you loved him, you needed me. You still need me. And you still love him.