Despite my previous actions, I don't want my life to become a sappy romance novel. That doesn't sound like me, does it?
A few years ago all I kept dreaming of was marrying my blue hero, having a family, raising a child. Now that dream seems more like a nightmare. Okay, maybe that was a hyperbole. I still want to have a family, but the main essence of that dream changed. I don't want a family with him; I want a family with you.
I threw my chance away, didn't I? I'm afraid I did. You see, I never really realized how much I appreciated you back then. Now, at twenty, sitting alone in my tiny living room, I understand how that was a mistake. Why? Well, everyone knows the answer to that. Because now you're married to someone else. Happily married, might I add. I was foolish enough to keep my emotions to myself. I saw you fall in love. I saw you propose. I saw you getting married.
I don't think you know how I feel, how much it pains me to see you walking down the street with her by your side. It's not your fault that you don't realize. After all, I'm the one putting on a fake smile, forcing myself to laugh, looking aside so you won't feel my stare…
But I wonder. I wonder if that one moment has been forgotten by you. If you never dreamed about it, thought about it, had it sneakily crawl into your mind. The truth is, the memory of that moment is what makes me endure all this pain, because when it happened I was truly happy, and I knew, even if it was only back then, that you cared for me too.
Yet I let it slip away. I let you slip away. I won't play the crying, denied, unloved female role. I refuse to. However, I know that despite all my masks, at night when I drop my act I'll search for my pillow and the ice-cream, just like a typical teenager. But don't worry, the next morning I'll be sure to go for an early jog so you won't notice the weight I gained.
After reading what I had just written a frown crawled onto my face. It did sound like the beginning of a chapter of some cheap romance novel. Funny how I wanted to avoid that. What's even funnier is that half of what I wrote was actually based on real-life events and emotions.
I left my laptop with the open Word document open on my desk. Honestly, I needed to go out for a run. Hastily, I substituted my low-heel black boots for my orange tennis shoes. I didn't even mind that the orange clashed with my red plain t-shirt, I just wanted to be comfortable.
The bitter wind welcomed me outside under a badly lit night. Deserted, the streets lay in silence. Of course no one is out a one in the morning. Hoping a quick jog around the block would release my tension and make me more at ease, I began sprinting. Now that was a stupid idea.
I wanted to jog, not sprint. Thanks to my disobedient body I'm sure that tomorrow my legs will be sore. Running soothed me… usually. Not today though. While I ran the tears which had never fallen, fell. Memories which I had wanted to forget invaded my mind, took over my senses. Why had my mask broken? What lead to this? I had practiced my smile and laughter; no one really noticed how miserable I really was. Not that I want to overly victimize myself.
It was all because of what I had written. I wrote it on a whim, and this is the effect it created. My want to express myself, to set my heart at ease. Writing was a possible way out of my pain, a solution, a way to let go and move on. Instead it confronted me with myself and my feelings. And now I'm running like an idiot, hoping the pain in my legs will drown the pain in my heart. How sappy did that sound? It's true though…
"Damn it Tails, damn it all!"
I'm not sure if I actually yelled that into the night. My throat stings, so I probably did. Or maybe it's because I'm panting? I stopped running, my throat begged for me to stop. I inhaled and exhaled until my breathing settled a little, and during those few seconds I was able to keep my mind away from him.
"I'm sorry if I became sarcastic and grumpy… well, you don't know that I did because of the act I put on… but still…" I seemed to mumble to myself. I felt weak, unloved, just like the protagonist of the sappy romance novel I didn't want to become. If only I had realized sooner… all those years ago… then maybe, now at twenty-three, I could be married to you. Instead I am alone, to everyone's surprise, and you are dating this sweet girl.
I begged to hear someone call out my name. You, Sonic, Cream, anyone. I want someone to slap me and then hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I want to be myself again… I want -need- to move on. But no one comes; no one calls my name into the night.
Before I took comfort in the idea that someone would come along and love me for who I am. Yet, the truth is, I didn't allow anyone to love me because I didn't really open up. Except for you guys, of course, but we're all more like family…
"I don't want to be a miserable crybaby, I don't… please… I want to move on, just let me. I want to live, to smile, to laugh… damn it!"
'Then why don't you?' I begged to hear. But begging, in my case, won't get me anywhere…
"Then why don't you?"
…or so I thought.
"Because… because I don't know how to let go," I admitted.
"There are a few ways. Everyone grieves differently. You need to find your way, and gradually you'll let go."
"I've tried…"
"You have honestly tried?"
"I did…"
"How, Amy? Fake smiles and laughs? Did you honestly think those would fool all of us? You see, you followed me around and hugged me to death far too many times, you can't deceive me."
I wondered if I he was actually there or if I was hearing things. I turned around and stared in front of me. Unless I was seeing things too, he was there.
"I did try…" I whimpered.
"Then you tried the wrong way. Listen, we don't really know what's hurting you. You don't open up now so all we can do is guess. All I know is that you have me worried sick every time you put on that fake smile, and I'm not the only one. Cream has called me, asked me if I knew what was wrong with you. I lied to her, told her you were fine… You have to try, and let us try with you."
"But I can't! Not with him, not with her there…"
"Who Amy? Speak to me!" He walked closer, concerned.
"I… I can't…"
Like my heart had begged a few moments before he hugged me tight. A few years ago I would've been overwhelmed and excited by his action and our proximity, now all I felt was the much needed comfort.
"It's okay, whatever it is," he whispered.
"I… I feel awful about it…"
"You don't need to, Ames."
I gulped and let my tears run free. He wouldn't judge me; he'd stand by me and hold my hand…
"Tails…" I choked on my tears before I continued, "I just… care for him so much… it pains me to see them together, although I think she's such an adorable person…"
"Do you love him?" He bluntly asked.
"Well…"
"Just answer the question, Amy. Do you?"
I held on tight to him before the answer slipped through my lips,
"Yes…"
"I see… it's alright, everything will be alright…"
His soothing words, his promising words made me want to believe that everything would turn out alright. And that's when he proposed what was going to save me.
"Why don't you go abroad for a year? Away from all of this? I would go with you, we would see new places, and meet new people… get this all behind your back?"
I silently nodded, he caressed my quills, and all I can remember is waking up in my bed the next day. The same day he showed up with plane tickets and a bag. The same day I packed my two bags and walked with him to the airport. Again, a few years ago I would have been thrilled. That day I was comforted and looking forward to a trip abroad with a close friend. I really do owe so much to him.
So now you ask me if I ended up with Tails or Sonic, and I answer neither. Now, at twenty-four, I saw Tails proposing to his girlfriend -now fiancée- and am living once more in my apartment in downtown Station Square. I don't have a fake smile or laughter any longer. I still care for Tails, but not as I used to, and I once more am waiting for the guy who will love me for who I am. But this time I know we'll find each other, and this time I'm willing to wait.
Amy, Sonic and Tails belong to SEGA
A little... sentimental? Well, I sat down and began writing and this was the outcome... How do you think it turned out? Please review and thank you for reading!