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After Dinner
This was the part of their weekly dinner that Kathryn liked most, the part where she and Chakotay hugged goodnight. They did so every week, without fail, and tonight was no different. As Chakotay made his way to the door, he turned around, said goodnight, and opened his arms to her. Kathryn said goodnight back, stepped into them, and lay her head on his shoulder. Usually this hug lasted a few minutes, both needing the comfort it gave, the closeness, and the solace of affection in an otherwise affectionless life, but tonight it lasted longer. Instead of drawing away, like she normally did, Kathryn just cherished the hug for as long as Chakotay would hug her. This Chakotay would do for as long as she wanted him to. But when a long time had passed and Kathryn had still not drawn away, Chakotay spoke.
"Is everything ok, Kathryn?"
"No," she whispered. "I've been so wrong, Chakotay."
"What about?"
"Us."
Gently, Chakotay drew her away from him. There were tear stains on her cheeks and a haunting pain in her eyes. In his arms she had been weeping silently. Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "Are you talking about our relationship?"
Kathryn nodded. "Is it too late, Chakotay? For us?"
"No," he replied. "I love you, Kathryn. I love you very much. But we need some perspective here. You're obviously feeling down right now and moments like these aren't the time to make momentous decisions. If you still feel the same way tomorrow, in your ready room in the midst of duty, then we'll have this conversation again tomorrow night."
"I will," she said. "I will feel the same."
"Then tell me so tomorrow. As for tonight, we'll say goodnight."
"Chakotay, I..."
"Tomorrow," he insisted. "Goodnight, Kathryn."
With that, he left her quarters and the door closed behind him.
Alone in her ready room, Kathryn replicated herself a cup of black coffee and sat at her desk to drink it. For most of the morning she had been in her ready room, steadily going through a mountain of reports that needed her attention, and she hadn't seen Chakotay all day. Half of her was glad, because half of her regretted what she'd said to him, but the other half was hoping he'd stop by and ask her the question they both knew he wanted an answer to. But then, maybe he was so sure what her answer would be that he didn't think there was any point in asking the question. For this she couldn't blame him. Over the passed seven years she had made it quite clear that a relationship between them was out of the question. It was only natural, therefore, that he would think her words last night were due only to a lonely moment of weakness. And perhaps they were. She certainly hadn't planned to say what she did. The words, the emotion, they just seemed to come from nowhere. And yet, at the same time, from deep within. Over the passed few months, longer even, she had often wondered whether she was doing the right thing in keeping a distance between them. They loved each other, truly loved each other, and it seemed wrong to deny that love for reasons that were redundant in the delta quadrant. She hoped they would get home, hoped with every fiber of her being that they would, but at the same time she knew there was every chance they would spend the rest of their lives on Voyager.
Suddenly, the door chime played and Kathryn called out. "Come in!"
The doors opened and Chakotay came in. He had several padds in his hands and he carried them over to her desk.
"More reports, I'm afraid," he said.
Kathryn pointed to a pile next to her computer. "Add them to the mound."
Chakotay put them down and then he looked at her gravely. "Kathryn," he said quietly. "About last night...I don't expect an answer. I know what it is."
Kathryn slowly got to her feet. "Then you know more than me because I don't."
Chakotay flinched. "How do you mean?"
"When I said what I did last night, I meant it. But you were right. In my ready room this morning, a part of me regretted what I'd said."
"You don't have to explain, Kathryn," Chakotay replied. "I understand. We all get moments when we're lonely and vulnerable."
Kathryn gently put her hand on his arm. "I said only a part of me regretted them, Chakotay. The rest of me doesn't."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying we need the conversation you said we'd need if I felt the same way."
A light filled Chakotay's tired eyes. "You mean, you want to discuss the possibility of us?"
"Yes. I'm on duty until 19:00 hours, but meet me in my quarters at 20:00 hours?"
"How about you meet me in mine at 19:30? I'll make us dinner."
Kathryn smiled. "Your quarters it is then."
At 19:30 hours, Kathryn arrived at Chakotay's quarters, and beneath a window of stars they ate a meal by candlelight. Usually when they dined, they both wore their uniforms, or at least their t-shirt and pants, but tonight they were both casually dressed. Kathryn was wearing a white blouse over a blue skirt and Chakotay was wearing a black shirt over beige pants. It was as Kathryn and Chakotay they wanted to talk, not as Captain and First Officer. Very little talking did they do, however, until their meal was over. Neither quite knew what to say and both wanted to keep the deep and meaningful until after they'd eaten. When the time came, they moved to the sitting area and sat opposite each other.
"Where would you like to begin?" Chakotay asked.
"With what it would mean for us if we did redefine our parameters," Kathryn replied. "For me it would mean being discreet, keeping our relationship a secret. Not because our feelings are something to be ashamed of, but because it would be in the best interest of the crew. I don't want a crew member to think they can't go to you with a problem concerning me, or to me with a problem concerning you, because we are involved. This would mean maintaining the status quo...you with your quarters, me with mine...and to keep our lives as separate as possible." She paused. "How would you feel about this?"
"The same. Given our positions, our histories, I think discretion would be called for. By maintaining the status quo, by leading as separate lives as possible, we would be keeping a visible divide between the professional and the personal."
"But there would be limits on the personal. We could be all that we are to each other now, and more, but intimate nights together would have to be confined to safe space or times of shoreleave. Because as long as I'm captain of this ship, my time is not my own to do in as I please. I'm never off duty, even when I am." Tears filled her eyes. "Would that be enough for you, Chakotay? Would I be enough?"
Chakotay got up, sat beside Kathryn, and gently took her hands in his. "Kathryn, I work as hard as you and I work as long hours. Sometimes I'm lucky to get three or four hours sleep a night. Even those nights when I get more, I'm so tired that I sleep as soon as I crawl into bed. Intimacy is a special part of life, and it's a part I crave with you, but our responsibilities on this ship are so demanding that I simply don't have the energy to be a stallion. What I want from us is more of what we have, which is friendship, trust, affection, and mutual comfort. When we're alone I want to hold you, when you're hurting I want to comfort you, and when you're lonely I want to be there. Those things, they're intimacy too, and it's those things I crave most. I want us to be there for each other, to love each other, comfort each other, and take care of each other. As to making love, we can make love in all these ways and then, when the times are right, in the most tender and intimate of ways. And those times will be all the more precious for their rarity. I love you, Kathryn. And all I want is the right to love you."
A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she leant into his strong body. "You have it, Chakotay."
Chakotay wrapped his arms around her and held her close. "Does that mean we have a decision?"
"It does. And one I should have made a long time ago. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the wasted years."
Chakotay kissed her hair. "They're not wasted, Kathryn. They brought us to this."
Kathryn slowly drew away. "Over the passed seven years, you've told me in many different ways that you love me. Now it's my turn to tell you. I love you, Chakotay. Truly and deeply. And I'm thankful for you every moment of every day."
Chakotay gently put his hand to her cheek. "Ditto."
"It's not going to be easy, keeping a divide between the personal and the professional, but I believe we can do it. We have been doing it for years. A relationship doesn't have to be romantic for judgments to be impaired. There only has to be a bond and we have a bond."
"What made you realize this?"
"I've always known it. I just...I was scared of letting you get too close. Every man I've loved, I've lost, and I was scared of letting myself love you incase I lose you too. But if I did lose you, and death is our constant companion in this quadrant, it wouldn't be any less painful because we weren't romantically involved. Maybe it would be even more painful because then I wouldn't have the memories of us to cherish. All I'd have is the regret of what could have been between us. I'd rather have the memories."
"Me too," Chakotay whispered.
"So let's not waste any more time. Life is so fleeting and every moment is precious. If there's anything we've both learnt, it's that. Let's just love each other, be here for each other, and be committed to each other."
"You have my absolute commitment, Kathryn."
"And you mine."
They hugged again, both cherishing the closeness of the other, and held each other long. Then, in the soft light of Chakotay's quarters, they kissed softly. It was the kiss they had both yearned for, the kiss they had both dreamed of, it was the kiss of a lifetime.
"You know," Kathryn said as they drew apart. "We're in safe space right now."
"We are," Chakotay smiled.
"And we both had an early night last night."
"We did."
Kathryn got to her feet and held out her hand to him. "Shall we have a late one tonight?"
Chakotay stood up too and took her hands in his. "Are you sure, Kathryn? Once we've crossed that line, there'll be no going back."
"I don't want us to go back. I want us to go forwards."
Chakotay looked deep into her eyes, into her soul, and saw no doubt there.
"Then let's go forwards," he said.
Kathryn smiled and slowly, gently, they drew together again and kissed beneath the stars.
THE END