As always, thank you for reading.
Unravel But Stay
The mind of Remus Lupin is in a state of thorough wreckage. All he can think about is how earlier today, a messenger witch from the Ministry of Magic showed up at his door and caused an ocean of agony to spring from the depths of his heart.
The witch was nervous when she delivered the news. She took forever to get around to the subject of her visit. "So, I heard you're friends with James and Lily Potter . . . and also Peter Pettigrew . . ." The more she stuttered and fidgeted and refused to meet Remus's eyes, the more difficult it became for him to fight his growing panic.
That's probably what the witch was so afraid of, actually. She dreaded the moment when awful revelation would cause everything inside Remus to break apart, and he would transform into a sobbing mess in front of her. But it didn't happen that way. Somehow he managed to keep a tenuous but sufficient control on himself, muttering one-word answers to the witch's inquiries until she ran out of words and he was able to see her out the door. It wasn't until a few moments after she left that he finally fell to pieces.
He didn't lie down on his bed so much as he simply collapsed upon it. His body is now sprawled on the mattress in a crumpled heap, having been deposited there by the ferocious waves of despair. He lets them wash over him again and again, unable to run away from the tide. He has no idea how long he's been lying here. Time seems to have disappeared, along with everything else in his life, leaving him with nothing but his room and his situation.
James. Lily. Peter. All killed in one night. They weren't peaceful endings either. No, their deaths were violent, horrific, inflicted by the fiery wands of brutal enemies. Remus groans with pain. The enemies are perhaps the worst part of this all. It's one thing for the Dark Lord to slaughter people; everyone expects that out of him. It's an entirely different world if one of the killers turns out to be a former best friend.
How could Sirius have done this? How for the love of all that is good could he have made such a giant leap from a Marauder to a murderer? Frantically Remus scans his memories of their school days, like flipping through the pages of a photo album, but his mind can't see anyone except his cheerful young classmate. Sirius had been a prankster for sure, but there was never any hint of true malice hidden within his mischief.
Or maybe there was and nobody paid close enough attention to detect it. Could that be the case? It just seems impossible to Remus that someone could descend so far into darkness without giving any signs of their impending evil. Maybe there had been an obvious omen in Sirius's manner that always flew over everyone's heads. What if Remus had been more attentive as they roomed together during their years in school? What if he could have saved the lives of his annihilated friends?
His chest is stabbed by the knife of lost hope. These thoughts don't even matter. He can't change what has already happened.
I am the last Marauder. The words reverberate in his head like the toll of a strong brass bell.
The room around him, already tiny to begin with, seems to get smaller and smaller with each echo of the dreaded sentence. The walls close in and squeeze the air out of the room, leaving him barely able to breathe. James and Peter are dead. Sirius doesn't count. He lost the Marauder spirit the instant he started plotting against his trusting comrades. Remus is alone.
Loneliness is such a beast. He never thought he'd have to deal with that creature again. He thought for sure that James and Sirius and Peter had permanently rescued him from its gaping jaws years ago.
He loved them so much. He would've been the uncool kid all through school if they hadn't taken him into their circle. They accepted him even after they discovered he was a werewolf. They spent three years training to become Animagi just to keep him company on his longest nights. Where is Remus ever going to find friends like that again?
There's no need to wonder. The answer has already spent a long time floating within the aqueous stew of his consciousness. Pals like those come along only once in a lifetime. Now that the truest companions he'll ever know have flashed out of his life, what is left for him?
Remus lets out a sigh of great weariness. Having been lost in his misery for a while, the exhalation brings him suddenly back to his surroundings. He regains awareness of his body, like how his cheek is going numb from being crushed against the mattress. He blinks to refocus his eyes, which had been gazing vacantly into space, and notices his wand sitting on the bedside table.
His wand. It's such a normal sight. It's innocuous. But it fills his mind with images of Sirius using his own wand to blast thirteen people into bits.
Fury strikes Remus like a lightning bolt. All at once the gloomy ocean engulfing his heart dries up and is replaced with a blazing fire. He's never hated anyone as much as he hates Sirius right now.
He gets out of bed and picks up his wand. It's unbelievable, how easily people can be extinguished. Just hold the weapon and say a few words and obliterate their lives. Reduce into nothing their years on Earth and the priceless friendships they had. Remus turns his wand to point it at himself, directly at his heart beating swiftly in his chest. It could all end right now, so easily.
His hand is shaking.
He stands there for what seems like eons, willing himself to conjure the spell that will end his pain at once. Yet the longer he hesitates, the more difficult it is for him to remember the words. A block of something heavy has settled inside his head, crushing all his thoughts beneath it.
Eventually, a spot of hope struggles out from under the weight of his troubles. James and Lily's son is alive. He couldn't be killed; he brought down his killer. The Death Eaters' reign of terror is coming to a close. Already, with the Dark Lord barely gone, the wizarding world is changing as it emerges from the shadows he created. People are finding light and optimism again.
It's all due to one remarkable boy. Remus really found it unbelievable. Harry's just a baby. Then again, he's the son of a Marauder and he carries their spirit. Who knows what kind of person he'll grow up to be? Somebody needs to be around to see it. As many people as possible need to be there.
Remus takes a huge breath, much more aware than usual of the feeling of air filling his body. His arm falls to his side, lowering his wand with it. He's still in pain. He still wants it to end.
For now, though, an even stronger desire is tethering him to life. He can't leave. The tragedies of late may have left him unraveled, but he must stay. He needs to know how the events of this new world will unfold.