When I was a girl I was stubborn and defiant. I wasn't your average burg girl. That hasn't changed much, although lately I have let too many people sway me and guilt me. I don't like who I'm turning into. When I was 7 my mom tried to dress me up for school photos in the perfect burg girl fashion. I wanted to wear jeans and my wonder woman shirt. In the end, I wore my jeans, wonder woman shirt with a stain, messy hair and smiled as big as I could. I looked ridiculous but I was proud. I won after all. My mother was mad and my grandma and grandpa Mazur hung bought and hung the photo on the fridge. Grandpa Mazur even showed everyone at the senior center.
My name is Stephanie Plum I am a bounty hunter in my 30's. I have unruly, brown, hair that is a mess of waves and curls. I have blue eyes and most days my pants fit. I have a long lean body but mostly it's just genes because embarrassingly enough old people can outrun me at times. I also tend to roll in garbage and explode cars, but I almost always manage to get my skip so I think I'm a decent bounty hunter. For instance, right now my faded blue and lime green corolla is in flames and I have soda spilled all over me.
"Damn it all to Hell! I hate this. How many of my cars have exploded? It's not normal." I complained to Lula.
Lula is my partner and friend. She is a big black former hooker who never changed her wardrobe. Today she was wearing 6 in heels, a shiny white latex skirt, and bedazzled purple tank top, both were way too small. She was loud and we were a lot like Lucy and Ethel, but Lula was a loyal friend and you can't ask for better than that. Unless the cops showed up then she took off like a cockroach in light. Lula thought she was allergic, probably due to her former profession.
"This makes 2 this week, but only 2 for the month so it could be worse. You just have bad car karma. You got lots of luck in other things. Uh oh. Here comes all that luck. I've got some filing to do and I need some chicken. I'll see you at the office."
I went to tell her to bring me some but she was already gone. She can move fast for the right motivation. The cops pulled up a second later followed by the fire department and started to work the scene.
"You all right?" Eddie checked me over and I nodded. Eddie is my favorite cousin and my favorite cop. He doesn't yell and he always asks if I'm ok before continuing to process the scene. Before that though Joe Morelli interrupted us. Joe Morelli is my on again off again Italian boyfriend who hates my job. He has sexy brown eyes and hair with an athletic look and a never-ending sex drive. We're currently off but he doesn't seem to get that whenever my name shows up on the scanner.
"Cupcake, I heard your name come across the scanner. The bank on the next block has a position for a teller. They have normal hours, but your cars wouldn't be exploding. What happened this time?"
"Joe, I don't need a new job. I need a new car. Not that it's your business. I don't know what happened this time. I spilled my soda and stopped to get some napkins. When we were inside the we heard the pop after it exploded. How about instead of telling me about a job you ask how I am? We might not be together but I thought you at least considered me a friend."
"Jesus, Cupcake, of course I care about you. Why do you think I'm here? I figured you were OK since your standing here talking to Eddie and not in the rig. I just think you should get a safer job. One with a better life expectancy. No one's lucky enough to cheat death forever."
Ok I know it's nice he cares. I still love him, mostly, I think. He's safe and familiar, but it just pisses me off. "Look Joe let's not, ok. How about we just back off and talk later. I don't want another scene. But as soon as I say it though I watch money exchange hands between Carl and Big Dog. There's going to be a scene.
"Hey Carl, who won the bet?"
"Big Dog won this round. He's got a big date next week maybe he can take her some place and buy her a real meal."
"He'd have the money to take her to a real place if he didn't waste it all batting on my life." They both had the sense to look a bit guilty.
"You know we don't mean anything by it. It's just for fun."
"Fun? What if I was in the car? What if this explosion was the one to burn me alive? Would you win more money, or less? Big Dog give me the money. I figure my life, my money." He didn't say anything just looked embarrassed and gave it over. I handed the $80 to Eddie.
"Since you're the only one who can figure out how to do your job I figure this belongs to you. You were the only one to make sure I was OK. And the only one to not bet on my life or tell me I'm not good enough." I kissed his check and walked away. I could hear one of them say come on Steph don't be like that. But I wasn't sure who it was and didn't want to yell. I didn't want to make a bigger scene. I just wanted to go home and shower. Ranger pulled up and looked me over. Ranger is Cuban Sex walking, and my mentor and friend who believes in me. He's a bit taller than me covered in muscles and mocha skin. He scares all men and makes women faint when he smiles.
"Proud of you Babe. You ok?"
"Glad someone is. I'm fine. Just need to get home and shower. I'm going to walk it's only a few blocks." He nodded and left. I wasn't proud because I know I created this mess. Why be proud that I'm a grown woman and can't defend myself. I can't even think of a reason anyone would actually be worried since it's something that happens too often.
Once I got home I plopped on my bed and laid in my thinking position and started contemplating my life. I'm drained I'm in my 30's living barely paycheck to paycheck. I can't keep a car for a month and I can't seem to keep a guy around either. Aside from Rex, my pet hamster. I also don't have any great skills for my current job. I need to make some changes. But I don't change easily. I guess I should start with who I want to be and make a list. Jumping up out of bed I grabbed a tasty cake some paper a pen and a bottle of coke then got Rex for inspiration and settled back in my spot.
I want to be a bounty hunter. I don't want to be a joke. I need training. I need exercise. I need bullets. I need a new gun. Charge stun gun. Avoid trash. Why do I want to do this? Stop needing to be rescued. Be more aware of surroundings. Be prepared. I scribbled and doodled on the paper. I want to do this because I like it mostly. I don't like being laughed at or covered in garbage. I really don't like being shot at but I'm pretty good at it.
Spend more time with friends. Talk to mom about job and men. No more blind dates, No more marriage talk. Talk to Lula about gun control and aim.She needs to stop shooting at people when they call her fat. At least she's missed so far.
Ranger/Morelli/Me This is a hard one. I love two men but can't commit to either. Ranger is secretive and doesn't want more than a condom commitment. Joe is Joe. He has burg mentality and wants a wife and 2.5 kids and picket fence for the dog. I am not sure I want kids. Mostly they're sticky and loud. I also don't want to be a housewife. I don't want to be a burg wife. I need a break from men. All men.
Permanently end things with Joe. No more breaks or back and forth. Stop kissing Ranger. Stop dreaming of someday. Be happy with today. Work on myself. 6 months. Love me. Be proud of me. I can be alone for 6 months right? I'll just date myself. I need some time off. If I would have gotten pregnant would I have known for sure who the baby's dad was? Oh no, don't think about that. I don't know if I want kids let alone want a fight between two men and imaginary children. Maybe a kid wouldn't be so bad if my life wasn't a mess. Maybe but not likely.
Ok so I made a list, how am I going to start?
"Stephanie, I got a call from Loretta, she said Giovanni's is hiring and your car blew up are you OK?"
"Yeah mom I'm fine. I think it just overheated and caught fire. I like my job."
"Alright. Are you coming to dinner tonight? We're having pot roast with mashed potatoes and for dinner I have some chocolate cupcakes. I made extra for the girls to take to the school party."
"Sure if dad can pick me up." I wasn't sure I wanted to go to dinner but I figured I could start my list there. And who says no to free food? OK who says no to chocolate cupcakes? I heard my parents talking in the background.
"Your dad is on his way now. Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yeah mom I'm fine. I'll see you in a bit." I hung up and got ready faster than usual and waited for my dad outside.
"Hey pumpkin. How are you?"
"I'm fine dad. Is Val and the kids there?" Knowing it would be a circus tonight if they weren't.
"No. They already left. They spent the day there. Mary Alice galloped and knocked over Angies tea party and Albert cut himself then passed out from the sight of the blood." They drove him nuts but he loved them. I'm pretty sure he only liked Albert because he was good to Val and got her out of his bathroom. I smiled anyhow.
"Dad you still go shooting sometimes right?" My dad used to have a few guns, but when Grandma moved in we had to get rid of all of them so he wouldn't be tempted to shoot her. He retired from the Army but doesn't talk about what he did and doesn't want it to be common knowledge.
"Yeah the guys and I go out sometimes. I gave them my favorite gun when I had to give them up so I could still get it out and use it sometimes. Why? Want to go to the range?
"Yeah I think I need a different gun. I don't feel comfortable with this one. And I need to practice I don't want to need to be rescued anymore." My voice was quieter and I was embarrassed I needed to be rescued so many times. I want to stand on my own. My dad thought about it for a second.
"OK, when do you want to go? I can help you find the right gun for your size and needs."
"How about tomorrow?"
"Has someone been bothering you? You're not in trouble now, are you?"
"No, I just need to start making some changes. I don't want to be laughed at. Are you sure you don't mind?"
"No Pumpkin. I don't mind. I'm glad. I've been wanting to help, but didn't want to push. I didn't think you'd want my help."
When we reached my parents my mom and grandma were putting food on the table and we all sat down to eat. My dad was back in his quiet mode.
"I hard your car got blown up from the girls at the clip and curl. What happened this time? I bet it was the Mob. They like to blow up cars. Did you catch a member of The Family and they retaliate?" My grandma has an exciting imagination. And loves being the talk of the town. She loves when my cars go up in smoke but doesn't want me in them when it happens. She thinks I have a more exciting life than I do.
"No grandma I think it was just a bad car. I didn't see it this time I was in the store."
"Hmm. Well that's not that exciting. Do you mind if I change the story a bit when I go to bingo tomorrow?"
"Please don't. Besides spreading rumors about the mob probably wouldn't go over well."
"Stephanie I ran into Marie at the deli today and she said her nephew single again."
"No mom. No set ups. I wanted to talk to you about it. I'm going to start getting some training for my job. I like I just want to be good at it. Anyways I've decided for a while I'm not going to date anyone. I want to just focus on training and myself. Besides Morelli and I just ended our relationship."
"You're not just taking a time out like last time? What about marriage? You don't have to marry Joe, but don't you want to get married someday? Maybe settle down and have some kids?"
"Honestly I don't know. I know I want a committed partner maybe a husband someday. But this back and forth with Joe isn't healthy. I care for him but we both want to change each other so much and it's not working. Plus, I still care for Ranger and I need to just be alone and love myself first. But Joe and I are over for good. I'll have to talk to him tonight."
"Ok. Where are you getting training? Is Ranger going to train you?"
"No. I'm not sure where I'll get training I just started planning tonight. I need some self-defense and some practice with take down techniques and some exercise. Not just when I ate too much. I think I might take off and go to the beach this weekend and then figure something out." I realized no one was upset. No one was yelling or saying why me. Dad was also paying attention and not just hiding behind his food. It's weird.
"Jeff's son might be able to help you out. He lives in point pleasant and runs a gym that has a lot of different classes. I can ask him at the poker game tonight. You can come play a round or two with us like old times if you want." I smiled at my dad. Truth is I missed playing poker with him sometimes. I used to go before I married Dickie, only stopping to try and do the housewife thing but never returned after the divorce.
"Yeah dad I'll come with you tonight."
The rest of dinner went back to normal we ate and gossiped and the cupcakes were amazing but I only had 2. I made sure I could borrow big blue for a while and followed dad to the club.
The guys all greeted me with smiles and were happy I came back. I'm not a great poker player but we have fun. I tried to remember the things they taught me on keeping a blank face, but the smell of cigars and cologne brought back memories and I was just happy to be there, I also talked to Jeff and gave him my number for his son, who he told me was recently single. But didn't push when I mentioned that I wasn't in the market for a man. I went home and fell into the bed sometime around 11 completely exhausted. I just laid there thinking tonight went so much better than I thought, and drifted to sleep.