Reasons why you should Never Hire Nurse Nina as a Midwife
This story was requested by maniac89. I hope you like it!
It was a cold, chilly evening in the city of Concordia as all the shops and businesses were closed for the night. It was then at that moment, a tall, attractive and blonde haired early 20s pregnant woman entered Nurse Nina's shop silently without alerting the guards
"Hello? Anyone here?" the woman asked softly, rubbing her womb as she slowly took off her coat and hung it on the chairs near her and laid down on the soft velvet couch, closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. As the pregnant beauty snored softly, she felt something rustle underneath the pillow her head was on. Opening her left eye, she took a few large wads of money and stuffed it gently into her purse and went back to sleep, snoring again. Just then, who showed up but the incomparable, sensational Ms. Moxxi herself, with an unusual package in her arms.
"Hello? Nina? I have the item you requested" Moxxi announced, but no answer. Placing the package on the delivery table, she then paced the floor until she saw the pregnant woman sleeping on the sofa. Moxxi tiptoed over to where she slept and took a look at her face and saw that she had Siren tattoos on her face. Moxxi almost wanted to report the woman for breaking in unannounced, but when she read her mind and found out she came from a poor, poverty-stricken family and that her husband was murdered by savage Scav bandits, Moxxi took pity on her and decided that she would look after her and ensure that no harm came to either her or her unborn child. Just as Moxxi was about to carry the woman back to her bar, a loud shriek occurred and out came Nurse Nina, looking as flamboyant and weirder than ever dressed in a overly fat Kabuki outfit with makeup all over her face.
"Why you in Nurse Nina's shop? Why you not read 'store closed' sign? You no take candle!" Nina babbled in her crazed Japanese accent. Moxxi rolled her eyes and realized that trying to reason with the cantankerous medical nurse wasn't going to be easy. "Nina, first of all, I didn't come in here to take your candles, why the hell would I even do a thing? Second, I have your package you asked for like a thousand times, and third, I have a pregnant woman that may be due any day, hour or week or so and she needs a midwife." Moxxi explained
"So…. You need Nurse Nina to take care of expectant lady when lady deliver beautiful bundle of joy, yes? Why you ask me to help deliver child when pregnant lady have no husband? Nurse Nina doesn't understand!" Nina rambled again
"Nina, her husband was stabbed to death by a dozen lunatics for unknown reasons. And also keep your voice down or you'll start another street riot like last week when those Dahl assholes came in and did their own version of Mardi Gras only with explosive beads and pepper spray! Now here's the money that's required to hire a midwife!" Moxxi barked, handing Nina large sums of money
"Ooh! Nurse Nina agrees to pay! Nina use money to help lady deliver unborn baby and buy new sumo outfit so Nurse Nina can compete in overly fat Japanese women sumo tournament! Thank you come again and you no take candle!" Nurse Nina blabbered rapidly, shoving Moxxi out the door.
"Nina, for the umpteenth time, I am not going to take your…" Moxxi started before Nina slammed the door and barred it shut. "… candles." Moxxi finished, grumbling as to what she had done and how much apologies she will have to give to the pregnant woman for hiring a beer-guzzling, incompetent, sushi-addicted, overweight and overly stereotyped Japanese woman who doesn't even know a single thing about medical work! Realizing that Nina would only cause the delivery to end in disaster, Moxxi quickly prepared the Fast Travel station and teleported back to Sanctuary.
In Sanctuary…
Moxxi's roommates Maya and Nisha were sound asleep in their room, both snoring softly when Moxxi opened the door and turned on the lights. Both ladies groaned in annoyance, Maya stumbling up
"… What in the heck, Axton? Don't you even know I'm not due until after March!?" Maya mumbled, half-asleep. Moxxi gently shook Maya's shoulder to wake her up. "Maya, hey! It's me." Moxxi spoke, Maya staring at her for a few seconds before yawning loudly and stretching. "… You could've fooled me. Who's the chick you brought in here? Some kind of hooker from the Highlands again?" Maya asked tiredly, opening a can of rakkale
"Nope. Her name's Marsha. She's from Concordia, she's a housewife who lost her husband, a Mr. Eugene Henderson to some lunatics down in Elpis, and she's about five months pregnant, and judging the size of her womb, I'd say she'd be due in less than two weeks tops, so I accidentally hired Nurse Nina to be the midwife." Moxxi explained, turning to Maya for a response only to slap her forehead and giggle a little as Maya had fallen asleep again, her head on a pile of blueprints, snoring loudly.
Moxxi then got up and planted a large French kiss on Maya's lips, causing her eyes to go wide with excitement as she got up and spat the cooties out of her mouth. "Ok, ok! You told me you found a pregnant housewife, she lost her husband to lunatics, you paid Nurse Nina, and you brought her here for a safe and planned delivery, right?" Maya guessed, having listened to most of what Moxxi was saying before and while she passed out
"Yes, thank you for paying attention, Maya. You know, you're the only roommate that listens to my daily happenings, unlike a certain lawbringer I know…" Moxxi snarled, giving Nisha a look as she snored on her bed, a Playgirl magazine on her chest.
"mmmm… oh yes Maya, I'd love to frolic with you out in the Highlands naked… just name your price…" Nisha mumbled in her sleep, snoring again. Maya rolled her eyes and planted a large tongue kiss on Nisha's lips, causing her to get up and rinse out her mouth with mouthwash.
"So Maya? Was that kiss something to turn me on or are you just happy to see me?" Nisha asked, wondering what was the reason her sister woke her up from a lovely dream of her being nominated for a Country Music Award.
"Meh, could be both. Anyway, Moxxi told me that we have a new roommate here and that she's due in two weeks, which brings me to ask you; how good are you at delivering children?" Maya asked, Nisha staring at her like she was crazy or just plain bonkers.
"ok… what?" Nisha asked, clearly not fully awake yet. "Nisha, how many fingers am I holding up?" Moxxi asked, holding up three fingers in front of Nisha's tired, sleepy eyes. "uh… three?" Nisha asked, yawning. "Congrats, you passed the sanity test. Now answer the question; do you know how to deliver children?" Moxxi asked
"YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!" Roland screamed, impersonating Samuel L. Jackson, only to stop as Nisha, Maya, Moxxi and Marsha stared at him weirdly with a huge 'WTF are you even doing' look on their faces.
"uh… bad timing?" Roland asked sheepishly. "You have no idea, pal." Nisha deadpanned, Lilith's arm grabbing hold of Roland's bandana and with a yank, pulled him away and back into their cabin with the door closed behind him.
"… what the hell just happened?" Marsha asked, confused by that incredibly bizarre interruption. "honey, you don't even want to know. Look, I'm Moxxi, I run the bar here in Sanctuary, these two lovely ladies are my roommates Maya and Nisha. And just so you know, we have a licensed doctor who will be more than happy to deliver your baby when the delivery date comes, ok?" Moxxi spoke, Marsha nodding in agreement.
"… I had the weirdest dream that I was talking to some largely obese woman in a disgusting sumo outfit." Marsha muttered, Maya retching in disgust at the mere thought of that. "you must be referring to Nurse Nina. She's a little…." Moxxi started, making the 'cuckoo' sign with her finger, Marsha understanding. "she's insane" Nisha added
"I understand, thank you. I don't even know what happened. I entered this shop, found this sofa, took a nap, then while I was out, I heard someone shouting about not taking candles, and I found myself staring at a weird box-like robot doing a bizarre dance and this incredibly sexy commando." Marsha continued
"I'm guessing by the sexy commando, you must be referring to my husband Axton. And by the box-like robot, that's Claptrap. He's, uh… he's… he's our pet robot." Maya explained sheepishly, Marsha nodding before yawning. "Ok, now that all of that is settled, I'm going back to bed, hopefully I can still have that dream of me winning the award for best Country Singer." Nisha spoke, getting on her top bunk as Maya got onto her bottom bunk while Moxxi pulled out the couch mattress for her and Marsha.
"I, uh, I just wanna thank you for this. I had nowhere to go back in Concordia, so… thanks for this." Marsha spoke, Moxxi nodding. "my pleasure. Now close your eyes and go to sleep. It's three in the morning." Maya yawned, Marsha shutting her eyes and drifting off into slumber. Just then, Nisha heard the sounds of bedsprings and someone moaning and shouting 'Oh Mordecai' over and over and over.
"Quiet down over there! We got other people that live here, you know!" Tannis shouted, banging up the ceiling above her with her shovel before turning to the camera "think you've seen enough?" Lilith asked before shutting the camera off with her remote
Marsha eventually gave birth after registering as a citizen of Sanctuary and delivered a beautiful girl who she named Molly, after Nurse Nina's transsexual sister. Nisha actually did win the award for best Country Music Video in her sleep and Maya and Axton… well, that's another story…
and the rest, as they usually say… is history. Or IS it?