A/N: The reincarnations of this fic have been plentiful in my hard drive. The title, though, is the original one. And someday I will stop writing these Ka/Jii fics, but today is just not the day.
Thanks: All the quotations are from G. K. Chesterton. I relied on him heavily, because that's what makes this piece so funny (mainly from Jiraiya's perspective, especially as a writer). It's mostly why I resurrected and finished this version. And also, I thank Alanis Morissette with her song 'Are You Still Mad'. So powerful.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Genre: Mindfunk and crazy crack theories of the Hatake clan.
Rhymes? I promise I didn't rhyme in this one…
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"He never reported back," her brown eyes informed factually.
"How is that my problem?" his stance suggested.
Tsunade turned her head and rolled those beautiful brown eyes in disgust. She brushed her blonde hair back like deflecting insects: she was becoming annoyed. The hokage knew about this little game with the large man before her, mostly because she was in love with his half-brother once. And she knew what the death had done to the sage. To her. To the world. And while Jiraiya was still Jiraiya in everyday life, he was an ignorant fool in this regard. A worse gambler than she. Thus, "Jiraiya, I really don't have time for this," she sighed.
Jiraiya waved his hand at the imaginary fly. Apparently it was buzzing around him too, on imaginary wings. The sage's silver-white hair was like a pool the hokage could dip her feet into until his flamethrower of a mouth rambled on like a poet, "'It is wicked to call a man "damned" but it is strictly religious and philosophic to call him damnable', you know," he quoted.
Tsunade stared. Her pens were beginning to melt and bleed ink on her desk. "So? You're already both screwed in my opinion."
Jiraiya shrugged largely. Clearly he was aiming for the kill, "'Life (according to faith) is very like a serial story in a magazine: life ends with the promise (or menace) "to be continued in our next."'" Jiraiya ignored Tsunade's yawn and the fall of her head on her palm. "'Also, with a noble vulgarity, life imitates the serial and leaves off at the exciting moment,'" Jiraiya grinned, "'For death is distinctly an exciting moment.'"
"Oh cut the crap," Tsunade glared upright, "He could actually be dead."
"Then I don't have to do shit!" Jiraiya complained, "Happy trails!"
Tsunade sighed, "No you don't." She stopped him, picking up an old green scroll. The woman held it up in front of her face scornfully, waving it in her hand. Jiraiya glared at it. "You've got his blood somewhere, do it yourself!" he exclaimed.
"If we lose him, we lose another shinobi before Akatsuki breathes down our backs. It will happen. Think of it this way," she said, tossing him the scroll. His catch was his hands juggling the thing for a moment, as if it was on fire. "Do it for Naruto."
"No," like a five year old.
"Yes," as a boss.
Jiraiya growled at her as the scroll continued burning a mark in his hand. "You owe me…" Submission.
"Upon return," the woman smiled, a glint of steel behind her smile. Tsunade being Tsunade. And quite pleased with herself.
"Yeah yeah yeah…"
Jiraiya's white hair whipped behind him, trying to smack those invisible flies back up her nose.
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Uzuki Yuugao was waiting outside the door.
She glanced up as the sage exited. Jiraiya looked down at her as he entered the hall. "Hm," he let out a grumble, still holding the scroll in his left hand. The woman appeared ready for an order from the sannin, but instead he asked, "Where's Yamato? You know, the guy with the mokuton."
"Training Naruto."
"Well if this is for Naruto…oh…nevermind," Jiraiya shook his head. "I guess you'll do," he said. "Just don't blabber to me about…him. Just tell me as it is. No mooning. No silent reveries. We do this strictly professional and by the book. Not that I've ever followed the book. Mostly I just scribbled in it…"
An honest, "Yes sir," she nodded.
"…Hm," he couldn't help but grumble again. Getting into detail was proving difficult. Jiraiya tossed her the scroll. Despite her surprise, she caught it. The thing had cooled considerably since being in his hand, but his mouth was still sparking, "Have you level five access to the red room?"
"…No."
DAMN!
The invisible fly sniggered in his ear. Stupid fly. Jiraiya shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. Then he reluctantly reached in his robe, searching his pocket of hidden things. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he chuckled grimly. "It's like you're my daughter." Jiraiya's pen and small pad revealed themselves and he wrote a small note. "Here's your permission slip. Tell them daddy Jiraiya sent you."
Yuugao accepted the note. She advanced an idea slowly, "I take it the rules of exaggeration apply to you…sir." Granted, Jiraiya wasn't exactly the toughest CO she'd ever head, but if they could not cooperate, she felt entitled to speak her mind.
Jiraiya blinked slowly. He grinned humorlessly, "Did Tsunade put you up to this?"
"No sir."
"Humm," Jiraiya sounded. The look on the young woman's face did not suggest foul play so he indulged her. "In answer to your question, yes, the rules of exaggeration do apply to me. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Not at all."
Jiraiya's smile fainted when he remembered the response was given by a woman. Surely she would care at some point, the very minute no doubt he stepped on one of her sensitive little toes. Women were all the same. Even Tsunade. "Fine," he agreed, much to his hazard. "Go activate that and we'll meet at the gate in fifteen."
"Yes sir," she nodded, and vanished.
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