A/N: This is a song fic inspired by "Car Radio" by Twenty Øne Piløts! Italicized are lyrics, and if it's not it's normal writing. Hope you enjoy my first attempt at a song fic.
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire my time today
Connor had been driving through town for 50 minutes, and if something — anything — in this world meant anything related to greatness, he knew it certainly had to be killing himself. He was a burden to the world, wasn't he? What reason did he have to not be a monster and just end it all?
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Connor had these loud thoughts in his silent escape a lot. "Kill yourself," "you mean nothing," "your own damn sister is scared of you," his mind told him. His mind just wanted him to see that he was a monster, it seems. And his only escape from that was to die.
Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
What Connor's mind didn't see, however, is the quiet violence it was playing on him every day, the silent war inside his head, didn't only have to be solved by killing himself. There were things he could do to fight back.
I hate this car that I'm driving
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel
That's why he was out at 3 in the morning, getting high and driving around town. It was Connor's way of "fighting back" against the war, the violence, the enemy his own mind had came to be.
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
And even if it wasn't silent in his head, it was silent outside. That silence, that would normally scare him, comforted him. That feeling of comfort scared him too. It was so evil, so evil..
I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
Connor was done. He was ready to turn back. He was going home. He felt better, he felt better. Much better, the silence's comfort was enough for him. He was ready to fight the depths of his own mind by turning back.
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound
But he didn't get much further. He didn't get back home. He didn't realize what was going on. He was getting there.. He crashed. He was going to die. He tried to scream, but no noise came out above a mutter.
There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win and fear will lose
It is faith and there's sleep
Had his mind won this time?
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think
"CONNOR!" A voice screeched. He looked up slightly. Evan was running to him. But just as Evan dropped down next to him, finally started to tell him that it was going to be okay...
His eyelids closed.
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Connor didn't make it home that night. But it seems his mind didn't truly win, because fighting it were the screams in the car.
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit in silence
And now I just sit
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it's dire my time today
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
It was going to be a long night.