DISCLAIMER: All of the characters in this fic are not mine. They are the property of BIOWARE. Hope you enjoy! Comments and complaints welcomed! :-)

Author's Note: Warning! FemSlash references ahead! If this offends you press the back button now!

So, an awesome reviewer for one of my fics said

'Makes me want a cross-over where Aethyta and Isabela meet. ;p'

So this is a thanks for all the good stories they've written and left on the meme. Not really sure if I nailed (ha!) Isabela's voice/attitude here but I tried.

The Matriarch and The Pirate

by SpaceRanger

Aethyta, Matriarch and bartender was bored. The kids she popped out were safe enough, Nezzie's kid was out on the Normandy trying to solve the Reaper problem with that Shepard brat, the Cafe was empty, and the alcohol was well stocked. All in all, there's nothing for her to do.

Bored bored bored bored bored.

In a way it was a good thing. It meant the flight against the Reapers was going well enough, it meant the commandos weren't being useless, and it meant her kids were safe, well, as much as Nezzie's kid can be being on the front line of this whole shit anyways. Nezzie's kid got some quad on her to be picking a fight with the Reapers, she'd give her that. While Aethyta loved fighting, she preferred it on her own terms not against insane shit like the Reapers. You can't headbutt reason into something that big.

So when a pants-less human showed up Aethyta felt a flash of interest and she whistled lowly.

"Nice rack."

Isabela wasn't sure how she got here. But she's betting on the Mystery Drink the bartender at that last place she and Hawke stopped at being the cause.

Still, it's quite imaginative of her that her passing out at the bar had her waking up at a different one. It's entirely possible that her (girlfriend? lover? permanent fuck buddy? something…) Hawke had taken them here, but she highly doubt that. The empty bar plus the tentacle head and blue skin of the bartender at the other end wiping down the countertop, muttering something under her (It is a her right? Has tits… looks like tits anyways) breath, made that obvious. So it's highly probable that she somehow got herself stuck in the Fade again.

...

Maker's ball sack.

Isabela stalked up to the bar and bluntly asked, "This isn't The Fade is it?"

Tentacle head moved a muscle above one of her (It? Screw it, it's a her) eyes and drawled extra lowly, "No. This is Apollo's Cafe."

"Cafe? What the blight's a cafe?"

Tentacle head shrugged. "All I know is that it's not as entertaining as a real bar."

"Mmm… yes real bars aren't quite as-"

"Boring."

"I was going to say quiet but that works too."

"Works? Pah! It's even quieter then the last one I worked at. And that's saying something. Too many Goddess damned rules."

"Rules? There were rules?!"

"Rules up to your ass."

"The ones I like to go, you had to keep your wits 'bout you 'cause you're nothin' more then tits and ass the the men around there and they won't hesitate to grab at both."

Tentacle head gave a sharp laugh as if a challenge had been thrown at her feet. "HA! Now that's my kind of bar. The sound of fingers breaking makes the alcohol taste even better."

Isabela smirked. "Exactly."

"Anyways, I'm Aethyta, Matriarch and bartender. Get you anything?"

"I'm Isabela, previously Captain Isabela but the title's been dropped thanks to a certain stupid goody-two-shoes Champion I've taken to following around. You haven't seen her have you? Damn nosey goody-two-shoes attitude, a scar across the face, and thinks she's actually funny."

Aethyta shook her head. "Can't say that I have no."

"Dammit."

"You fucking her?"

Isabela didn't bat an eye. "Yes."

"I meant exclusively."

It took a little for her to think about it and she realized, yes. In the last few months, she hadn't had anyone except for Hawke.

"Dammit… yes."

"Huh."

The pirate narrowed her eyes. "What's that suppose to mean?'

Tentacle head shrugged. "Dunno really. You just seem more like that type to fuck a bunch of randoms off the street for a month instead of getting themselves a steady fuck buddy."

"Hmph! Contrary to popular belief, I do have standards."

"Hmm… You mentioned a scar, you're not the type to go wild over scars are you?"

"Only on some. Though in this day, who doesn't have scars."

"Ha! Ain't that the truth. I suppose you do have standards after all. Me, I go for asses."

"I don't really care as long as I'm on top."

Aethyta snorts. "You don't want much do ya kid?"

Isabela bristled a bit at that.

Tentacle head held up her hands in a gesture of peace. "Don't get your non-existent panties in a twist. When you're nearing a thousand, everyone's a kid."

The pirate captain raised both her eyebrows and whistled. "Damn, I wish I look as good as you at a thousand. Come to think of it, I don't think I want to live that long."

"Tell me about it. My years have mostly been violent. Wars break out and shit like that. Colonies getting destroyed. Sometimes you get good news but more often then not, you find yourself stuck in a middle of another war started by some fucked up pyjak who thinks his penis grants him the right to do whatever the fuck he wants. 'Course it's not just the men, some women are like that too."

Isabela nodded. She'd ran into her fair share of those kinds so she just echoed Aethyta's words. "Ain't that the truth."

Aethyta sighed, she couldn't believe she nearly rambled her ass off again like she did with that Shepard brat.

"Shit, damn Matriarch stage, has me torturing my customers with depressing shit like that. The past is the past dammit."

"All I need is a free bottle of your finest and you can ramble about the past as long as you want."

The Matriarch quirked her lips into a smirk. She liked this human. She would've offered her a fuck if she hadn't said yes to the exclusive question.

"Hmph. What are you doing here anyways when you've got a regular fuck buddy who'd probably enjoy handcuffs, whipped cream, and you being on top?"

"I… I don't know exactly. I remember there was a party…. and a stupid elf girl kept touching Hawke and Hawke the stupid woman didn't even-"

Aethyta whistled. "Damn kid, you've got it bad."

"No… Nononono No. No. No. No way, I can't be. Impossible. I told Hawke that feelings have no place in our relationship. Shit I said relationship."

The Matriarch made a noise of agreement. "You did."

"Shit. I don't do love dammit. It's not me!"

Aethyta snorted at the human's denial.

"Kid, none of the questions you've asked me was 'where's the nearest whore house,' but one of them was 'where's my fuck buddy.' So I'll tell you want you ain't got the quads to tell yourself: You do love, you're just afraid of being loved 'cause then it's no longer just a dream, it's real, and that's the fucking scary part."

Isabela went silent. The Matriarch had a pretty good idea of what's going through her mind, so while the human thought, she mixed a few things together.

Once satisfied with her concoction she whacked the former Captain on the back of her head, her years of experience allowing her to easily bypass reflexes.

"Ow! How the hell - ?!"

Aethyta slid the drink over. "Drink this, on the house. Trust me, it'll help you think."

Isabela looked down at the cup uncertainly then shrugged and muttered, "What the hell."

As expected, the human gulped the entire thing in one sitting without needing such instruction from her.

"Good, now you and your nice rack need to get outta here and go find your fuck buddy."

"Yeah… yeah I guess I'll do that. Thanks."

"That's what I'm here for babe. Though next time, you're paying for your own damn drink."

With a distracted nod, the human walked out and Aethyta went back to cleaning the bar.

Hopefully, she'd either fix her problems or she'll come back for a fuck. If she did come back for the latter, Aethyta sure wasn't gonna say no. The human did have a really nice ass. Being pants-less and pantie-less helped too.

A/N: Thanks goes out to Wyolake for explaining and helping me clear up some confusion.