Lunch Break
"Bruce? You listening?"
Batman hadn't been listening – he had been looking out the panoramic window of the fifty-storey building over the Gotham skyline and wondering which part of the city he should patrol first tonight. He had heard rumors of several jobs going down by various supervillains, and was mentally making a schedule in his head.
He looked up at Superman, and the rest of the members of the Justice League, who were universally staring at him now. "Of course, Clark," he replied. "Your idea sounds great."
Superman smiled. "Well, it's gonna take a lot of planning and teamwork, so…"
Batman almost immediately zoned out again at the word 'teamwork.' It was easy for the rest of the Justice League to use that word – it was easy to be a team player when you had super powers. Batman was the only member of the league who was a mere mortal, and he generally preferred doing things on his own anyway. Not that he was jealous or anything. He just worked best alone, always had done. He respected the idea of the Justice League very much, and he liked most of them. He liked what they were trying to do. But sometimes, when he had to sit through meetings like this, he longed for the days when he was a lone crimefighter. When he didn't have to ask the aliens and supermen for approval before he acted. Of course it was always nice to have backup, and Batman liked the idea of teamwork as much as the next guy. But these people's reasons for fighting crime weren't the same as his. They didn't understand the stuff he had been through, and they didn't understand how difficult it was for him to do his job relying only on his gadgets and his brain and his fists. Plus the others didn't have the nightmarish scope and variety of supervillains he had to deal with. And they definitely didn't have…
He blinked suddenly as a cleaner appeared at the window, waving at him. Except it wasn't a window cleaner. It was the Joker.
Batman leapt to his feet. "Bruce? Something wrong?" asked Superman.
"Joker. I'll handle him," retorted Batman, watching as Joker raised the platform he was on so it disappeared above them. "You guys carry on."
He raced up the stairs of the building until he reached the roof. Throwing the door open, he looked around.
"Hi, buddy!" said Joker's voice from behind him. Batman whirled around, fist raised, to see Joker beaming at him.
"What are you doing here?" Batman muttered. "Planning to kill the Justice League while we're all in the same room with some sort of bomb? That's what's in the bag, isn't it?" he demanded, nodding at the bag Joker carried.
"Nah," replied Joker, putting down the bag and pulling something out. "It ain't a bomb! It's lunch!"
Batman looked at him. "Lunch?" he repeated.
"Yeah. I thought maybe we could have lunch together," said Joker. "Y'know, just you and me. You looked kinda bored in there, and I've got about an hour to kill until my meeting with Two-Face, and I just hate eating on my own, and I thought, 'why not share a meal with my bestest buddy in the whole wide world?' And you're in luck, Bats! I brought cannolis!"
Batman just stared at him, and Joker's face fell. "What's wrong? Don't you like cannolis? Everybody likes cannolis."
"Is this a joke?" muttered Batman.
"Not a very good one if it is," retorted Joker. "What kinda gag can you do with cannolis? C'mon, help yourself. Ain't you hungry?"
"And what makes you think I'm just going to sit here and have lunch with you?" demanded Batman. "I should take you back to Arkham right now…"
"Yeah, if you try that, Batsy, I really will detonate this bomb I got here," said Joker, pulling out a fusebox. "And you and all your little Justice League friends will be blown to Chattahoochee. So somehow, I think you're gonna wanna have lunch."
Batman slowly lowered his fist and sat down. "That's better," said Joker. "So…cannoli?"
Batman took one, glaring at him. "What's your band of Superfreaks doing meeting in Gotham, anyway?" asked Joker. "Doncha normally have like a space station you meet in?"
"It's being repaired," retorted Batman.
"Ah. Well, I guess it's nice you don't have to make the trip all the way into space," said Joker, nodding. "Must be a pain in the ass, really. You probably have to do all that anti-gravity stuff, right?"
"Yeah…I do," said Batman, slowly. "It's not a problem for the others."
Joker snorted. "Bunch of Superlamewads with their super powers," he muttered. "They must think they're so much better than you, huh, Batsy?"
"Well, I don't think they…"
"They ain't," interrupted Joker. "It's easy to be a superhero if you got super powers. No challenge there. In fact, if you got super powers and you ain't either a superhero or a supervillain, you're just wasting your life. But guys like us, Bats, guys with no super powers at all, just the love of violence and the desire to change the world…well, we're the ones people really admire. We're the ones little Johnny and little Jane look up to, because we're just like them. If they work real hard, they can be just like us someday. Except little Jane, because neither of us are dames. But, y'know, I guess they can be like Harley or someone. Although what kinda pathetic broad would wanna be like Harley?"
"I sincerely hope no child looks up to you," said Batman.
"Better me than the Superfreak," retorted Joker. "What's that boy scout gonna teach 'em? You can do whatever you want in life, Billy, as long as you're an alien with super powers who's invincible and can fly around the world in a second. Yeah, great message for the kids."
"And what do you interpret as your message for the kids?" asked Batman.
Joker grinned. "Smile and laugh. Have a little fun. And don't let anyone change who you are. Not even some bully in a Bat costume."
He popped a cannoli into his mouth. "These ain't bad, Bats, what do ya think?" he asked, reaching for another one. "C'mon, eat up. I ain't poisoned them or nothing. Although Harley did make 'em, so they might be poisoned anyway!" he chuckled. "Sweet kid, but a lousy cook."
"You expect me to trust you?" asked Batman.
"Nope," retorted Joker. He patted the fuse box next to him. "But frankly, if you don't eat up, Bats, I'm gonna be pretty offended. And would you rather trust me or offend me?"
Batman glared at him, but ate the cannoli. He was expecting poison or some kind of reaction. But nothing happened.
"Another?" asked Joker, holding out the box to him. "C'mon, one little cannoli ain't gonna satisfy you. You must have worked up quite an appetite having to listen to Superfreak drone on and on. You should hear Lexy telling me all about the kinda headaches that guy gives him. I dunno why you hang out with him, Bats."
"We have similar goals," retorted Batman, taking another cannoli.
"What? Liberty and justice for all, that kinda thing?" chuckled Joker. "See, this is why I could never believe in things. The moment you have similar causes, you gotta form clubs, and then you gotta hang out with all kindsa losers, just because they believe the same crap you believe. And then once you form clubs, there are rules and regulations, and soon everybody starts telling you what to do and how to believe. Not for me. I don't need a bunch of people sharing my beliefs in order to validate them, thank you very much."
"It's not about that," retorted Batman. "We're stronger together as a team than as individuals."
"You really believe that, Batsy?" asked Joker. "Or do you believe these superpowered freaks are just weighing you down? Because that's sure as heck what I believe. You don't need that Superboyscout. Let him rot in Metropolis with Lexy. You're doing a fine job taking care of things here in Gotham on your own."
He ate another cannoli. "Can see why you might wanna hang out with that Wonder Dame, though," he chuckled. "Gotta love the metal corset. And she can tie me up with that lasso of hers anytime," he growled. "Nothing like a busty dame in skimpy clothing, even if she is some super-powered freak. We mere mortals can enjoy the eye candy at least."
"I'm sure Wonder Woman doesn't dress that way in order to be sexually harrassed by the likes of you," retorted Batman.
"Yeah? Then maybe she should put some clothes on," chuckled Joker. "But you don't hear me complaining. If weirdos like the Superfreak can wear their underwear on the outside, I don't see why the dames can't do it too. I believe in equal opportunity, y'see."
He looked at Batman. "Have you and she ever…y'know."
"That's none of your business," retorted Batman.
"Oooh, that means you have!" chuckled Joker. "You devil, you! What was it like? Did she use the lasso in the sack? I like a dame who ties me up! Bet it was super, 'cause she's got super powers and all…"
"I'm not discussing my personal relationships with you," interrupted Batman, firmly.
"Aw, c'mon, Bats, I'll share if you will," chuckled Joker. "The other night I had Harley purring like a kitten by putting a whoopie cushion in between her fun bags…"
"Stop talking right now," interrupted Batman. "Nobody wants to hear about that. I'm not sharing any private information like that with you. Anyway, last I heard, Wonder Woman was more interested in Superman."
Batman ate another cannoli. "He gets on your nerves, don't he?" asked Joker.
"Who?" said Batman.
"Flyboy," retorted Joker. "Superman. I know you two don't like each other. You may try to act all buddy-buddy in public, but for anyone who knows you well, like I do, you can tell you hate his guts."
"I don't hate his guts," retorted Batman.
"You don't like him, though, do you?" asked Joker.
Batman was silent. "We…approach life in different ways," he muttered.
Joker chuckled. "You and me approach life in different ways, Bats," he retorted. "C'mon, just admit it. You think he's a jerk."
"I think…he can't always understand why I do…what I do," muttered Batman.
"Him and the rest of the world, Batsy!" chuckled Joker.
"And his attitude is…well, he's an alien," snapped Batman. "He may be raised on earth, but he's still very detached from…humanity. I mean, as much as he loves us, he isn't one of us. He's superior to us. And sometimes that…comes across. He doesn't mean it to, but it does. He's…a super man."
"Hey, so are you, Batsy," snapped Joker, draping an arm around his shoulder and hugging him. "And don't let anyone tell you different."
Batman pushed Joker's arm off him. "I don't want moral support from you," he muttered.
"Why not? I'm your biggest fan!" chuckled Joker. "And your best friend in the world."
"You are not my best friend," snapped Batman.
"Then who is, Bats?" asked Joker. "Those Justice League losers? C'mon, admit it, you prefer me to them. You prefer hanging out having lunch with me than sitting through that boring meeting you were having. It's fine – you can tell me the truth."
Batman didn't respond. "I won't expect a 'thank you, Joker' or anything, that ain't your style," continued Joker. "See, you and me, Bats, we understand each other."
"I don't understand you," retorted Batman.
"Aw, sure you do!" laughed Joker. "You know me better than anyone else in the whole wide world! That's why we're buddies, Bats!"
"I don't understand you," repeated Batman, firmly. "The other lunatics I keep bringing back to Arkham…I do understand them. As twisted and horrible as their desires to hurt people are, it comes from an understandable place. Pain, love, rejection. The only one I don't understand is you. The others just have certain wires crossed in their brains. I can't even tell where the wires in your brain are."
Joker giggled. "Well, I would hate to disappoint you by making things easy for you, Bats. But I'll try to help you out."
He ate another cannoli. "A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a drink and a mop. Why is that funny?"
"Because the drink will go through the skeleton…" began Batman.
"No," interrupted Joker. "Because a skeleton walks into a bar. How could a skeleton possibly do that? It's dead. Don't make sense. You laugh at the absurdity of the setup, not at the joke itself."
"What does that have to do with anything?" asked Batman, puzzled.
"Well, lemme give you another one. Guy in a bat costume fights a clown night after night. Why is that funny? Not because they're fighting - that is kinda funny, but that ain't the really hilarious part. Y'see, the guy's wearing a bat costume. Why? Why is he fighting a clown? Y'see, that's the absurd part – the setup. That's the heart and soul of this particular joke. And the great thing is, I don't know. And that's what makes it funny, night after night. I mean, why do you wear a Bat costume, Bats? Don't answer that - you'll ruin the joke."
"I still don't fully understand…" began Batman.
"Well, I don't fully understand you," retorted Joker. "Dedicating your life to some selfless cause, never getting so much as a thank you from the people you try to help. Why do you bother, Bats? I think you just don't know how to have fun."
"Hurting people isn't funny," retorted Batman.
"Sure it is," said Joker. "It's slapstick. Don't tell me you ain't never laughed at The Three Stooges, Bats? Or Laurel and Hardy? The Marx Brothers? All slapstick, Batsy. And if you don't think they're funny, you really ain't got no sense of humor. Slapstick's the key to all the classic comedy. And I do love the classic routines."
"That's not real, Joker…" began Batman.
"If I went downstairs and punched Superfreak in the face right now, tell me you wouldn't laugh at that," interrupted Joker.
"I wouldn't," retorted Batman.
"Nah, I bet you wouldn't," sighed Joker. "No sense of humor, like I said."
He checked his watch. "Well, you have the last cannoli, Bats, I gotta be running along," he said, standing up and dusting himself off. "Harvey's scheduled the meeting for twenty-two to two, and you know how precise he is about these things. He'll throw a hissy fit if I'm a minute late. Maybe I'd better be two minutes late, huh?" he chuckled. "But we should do this again sometime. Lunch, just you and me, maybe same time next week?"
Batman just looked at him, and Joker shrugged. "Worth a try," he muttered. "Guess the gag would get boring if I repeated it too often. Anyway, I'll see you tonight for some mayhem, Bats! Try not to miss me too much until then!" he chuckled, heading to the edge of the roof. He blew Batman a kiss and then leapt off.
Batman raced to the edge to see Joker descending quickly on the platform he had come up with. "Oh, here, Bats, catch!" he called, tossing up the fuse box. Batman scrambled to catch it as Joker disappeared from view. He examined it carefully, and the opened it up. There was no bomb inside.
"Joke's on you!" chuckled Joker's voice from the bottom of the building, and then his hysterical laughter faded into the distance.
Batman slowly climbed down from the roof, returning to the meeting room. "Everything all right, Bruce?" asked Superman. "Did you catch Joker?"
Batman shook his head. "I'll catch him tonight," he muttered. "As usual."
The Justice League meeting finished a few minutes after, and Batman returned home to the Batcave. "How was your meeting, sir?" asked Alfred, who was waiting for him.
"Joker showed up," said Batman.
"Oh dear," said Alfred. "I trust the miscreant is safely behind bars once more?"
"He will be tonight," agreed Batman. "He had a decoy bomb with him, which I thought was real, which he used to get away."
He removed his mask carefully. "Something troubling you, sir?" asked Alfred.
"Yeah," said Bruce, slowly. "Joker brought me lunch, Alfred."
"Lunch, sir?" repeated Alfred, puzzled.
"Yeah. That was his joke. He wanted to have lunch with…the guy he called his best friend in the world," murmured Bruce. "But the joke turned out to be on me."
"How do you mean, sir?" asked Alfred.
"I mean I had a more enjoyable time having lunch with the psychotic maniac who is my nemesis than being in a meeting with the heroes of the universe," said Bruce. "The irony is not lost on me, Alfred."
He turned to face him. "What does that mean?" he asked, quietly.
"Mean, sir?" repeated Alfred. "I thought you said it was a joke. It is my understanding that a joke does not have to mean anything. But if you truly must attribute some meaning to it…perhaps you prefer humanity, even in its most twisted form, to inhuman perfection. There is certainly nothing wrong in that. I daresay many people agree with you. We're a bad bunch, the human race, well, except for a few good eggs such as yourself, Master Bruce. But when all's said and done, I suppose we're really rather fond of each other, flaws and all. What do you think, Master Bruce?"
Bruce smiled. "I think, Alfred, you're one of the good eggs too, and I'm more than rather fond of you."
"That's very gratifying to hear, sir," replied Alfred. "Shall I prepare your evening wear?"
"Yes, please," he replied. "And, if you don't mind, Alfred, a light supper. Not cannolis, though – I had them for lunch."
"Very good, sir."
The End