Disclaimer: all Supernatural characters belong to Kripke.

Massive spoilers for "Abandon All Hope.." if you haven't seen that then don't read this.

When I was little I wanted a set of throwing knives for christmas.

I got a Barbie Dream Castle instead.

Not that it mattered much - by january Barbie was missing several limbs and my dad had taught me how to handle a knife properly, much to my mother's disapproval.

You can guess the rest. When you grow up in a family like mine you're different and other people sense it. I could kick the crap out of bullies twice my size when I was seven, but I never could fit in.

Would have been nice to have been the prom queen for a few hours, or even just the girl who sat behind me in English class and was never really noticed, but come on, who out there wouldn't want to be the heroine if they got the chance?

I've saved sixteen people from monsters this year. Two of those people even know my real name.

But it's funny (not ha ha given the circumstances- but death doesn't seem to be the end of things, so give the situation a few years and who knows? Maybe I'll look back and smile.) I 've never gotten what I wanted, so when I do it's kind of ironic that I don't get to enjoy it.

As a hunter you want a good death, y'know? Not mown down in a traffic accident or taken out by some random genetic chance that gives you a tumour or stops your heart from beating when you're sixty years old and sharing a family dinner. Dying to give a little more time for the Winchesters to save the world seems a pretty good way to go. If I were a comic book character then I think that I'd like me.

But I thought I'd have more time. I didn't quite know what I was getting into when I took this gig. It hurts, and I'm cold and I'm really, really scared, tossed like a half gutted trout against the wall of a hardware store of all places.

But it's ok.

And look at all I have.

Everything I wanted.

Dean looked at me the way I have always looked at him. He kissed me as I always wanted him to, and it was as sweet as I had always imagined it to be. A look into his eyes and I can see the regrets of all the missed opportunities and clumsy "could have beens" in the past. Half an hour ago, when there was still time, that would have been a gift.

And mom. My mom, she looked me in the eye woman to woman, the way I always wanted and didn't pull rank. Did what I told her and treated me like the hunter I am.

I can feel her, feel her love and I'm not sure whether it's her tears running down my cheeks or mine.

I never wanted to die alone, and now I'm not. I wish she'd left though, I wish she had left.

I can't speak now, or feel much, but when mom throws out her last words to the hell-hounds I smile and can see her press the button and then everything lights up like a Christmas tree and I don't see anything at all.