A/N: Hello! This goes with Unguided, sort of the same tune. But I like the little world I gave Kisame and Zetsu, and wanted to write more of it. Can or can't go with Disgruntling Affairs, if you squint. Please enjoy!

-WP

"Zetsu, you're so cute. I want you."
"No, Orochimaru, stop, I-"
"Oh come on, don't be shy. I know you'll like it." That was all I heard. Terrified out of my mind I raced around the corner, to find my favourite brat holding Orochimaru's tongue, chopping methodically at it with a kunai. He looked up and grinned at me.
"Hello, Kisame-san. May I help you?" he asked.
"Erm…"
"You can watch if you like. You may learn a trick or two." The little brat gave me a wink, and Orochimaru looked pleadingly at me. "You wouldn't believe what I can do with a pair of scissors." Orochimaru whimpered, and Zetsu kicked him in the nuts. "Quiet, you. I'm talking to Kisame-san." I grinned.
"You know what, I'm just going to leave you to that… I've got shit to do." I grinned and walked off. Somehow, that was extremely endearing.

"You… you… my geraniums!" Zetsu squealed. "Itachi you little whore!" I walked into the kitchen to see Zetsu glaring dark enough to melt bricks at my partner. "How- they weren't hurting you!"
"You shouldn't have left them so close to the training area," Itachi replied simply. Zetsu was fretfully biting his thumb and glaring so hatefully that Itachi had to actually avert his eyes.
"You… they were innocent geraniums!" Zetsu cried. "How would you feel if someone killed… your…" He paused and sighed. "Just apologize."
"Why should I apologize for stupid flowers?" Itachi growled.
"Because if you don't, I'll eat you and tell Kisame shoved you down a drain. Oh, hello Kisame-kun!" Zetsu cried happily, waving at me. He looked pleased as punch to see me. "Kisame-kun, have you seen my scissors?"
"Um… no, why?" I asked.
"Oh, darn. They're industrial strength. If you do it right, you can cut straight through bone. And I so wanted to just snip snip!" Zetsu sighed, looking dramatically glum while snipping at Itachi with his fingers. "Oh well, I guess it's the hard way then." Vines instantly snapped around Itachi, and Zetsu's lips drew back to reveal his fangs. Itachi shrieked like a little girl. Zetsu was on the floor laughing his cute little arse off as Itachi nearly peed himself. I grinned and went about my business of making a sandwich.

Zetsu was sitting on the ground, completely fascinated by the scene before him. Kakuzu and Hidan were arguing. His eyes were wide and mesmerized, his mouth hanging open slightly, knees drawn up to his chest and arms draped around them. I chuckled and sat next to him, gingerly avoiding one of Kakuzu's raging tentacles. "What's up?" I asked. He shook himself from his daze and grinned toothily at me.
"Look. You think they're fighting?" he asked. I nodded. "They're having sex." I gaped at him, then at my teammates, who were now standing still and staring at us. Kakuzu was blushing furiously, but Hidan didn't seem to care. Slowly, they drifted off to a more private area. I smirked, leaning over and kissing Zetsu.

It was rare, but Zetsu sometimes would take a break from work.
There was a stream near our usual hideout, and he would head here. He always said that seeing the sun and seeing the open ground made him calm, and on cloudy days he was always grumpy. And he would strip off his shirt, retract his leaves, and lay on the soft earth. He would sometimes just look at the plants, or talk to them. And he would smile. It was adorable, to see him watching a growing flower, a small, childish grin on his lips. And the little vixen thought he could get away with sneaking off half-naked to look adorable in the woods.
The first time I followed him, he seemed positively aghast. He had qualms about bringing out sex life to this almost holy place. He told me just to sit there, and maybe later we would do something. I got the message and stayed under control.
The next time he allowed me to follow him and cuddle him, but still wouldn't allow sex.
The third time, I knew he was ready. He led me there, and we made love by the stream. He was shier than normal, but explained in that factual, yet bat-shit crazy way that it was because the plants were watching. But at that moment I really couldn't think about the plants.
Afterwards, he tried to explain more in depth. The plants we made love in front of in his room were used to seeing crazy shit. They saw him eat and all that. But this place was more pure, more untouched, and he had defiled their little minds. I decided that was enough of his crazy talk, and we did it again.

If asked, Zetsu would make no secret he was getting me in the sack. But usually that was enough to make anyone sick, thinking about either of us in bed. Except Kakuzu, who would laugh and wink at me. I knew Leader-sama disliked it, and would always huff and walk off. But he had the cutest crush on my little Zetsu, so he would never be actually angry. Hidan tried doling out his usual shit, but mysteriously disappeared one night. The next afternoon he wandered in, chalk white and missing a few limbs, and wouldn't speak for two weeks. And Zetsu seemed surprisingly pleased. Kakuzu was not, though.
Itachi once had a moment and asked me about it. He was a killer, but a teenager.
"So… you two… you guys… um… make love?" he asked awkwardly. I had stared at him for a moment, before bursting out in deep raucous laughter. I clutched my sides and heaved with laughter, almost to the point I was crying. I then pulled myself together, still grinning, and tried to explain it to him.
"Well, you could sort of call it that," I tried. I remembered thinking of it that way myself on a couple of occasions. But to me, that was the slow, sensual, intimate sex we shared. It wasn't our usual style of wild, animalistic passion. But I could see Itachi was already blushing, so describing Zetsu erotically biting through my lip might be a bit much. "I mean, definitely."
"But… he's not a… woman…" Oh Jesus. But Itachi looked embarrassed enough already, and I wasn't the sort of fellow to give a virgin the wrong impression of sex. I could imagine Zetsu explaining with a completely straight face how to tie someone up and paddle them. But I wasn't like that.
"Well… imagine it like a woman, only a man's bits go in a different area," I tried, hoping he would catch on. But he stared at me blankly. "Look, you know how a man and woman do it, right?" I asked. He shook his head. I sighed. "Sit right there, I'll be right back." I hesitated only a moment, before running to Zetsu's room. I knocked, but barged in without waiting for an answer. He didn't look up, being absorbed in his scroll.
"What do you need?" his darker half drawled lazily.
"You wouldn't happen to have any anatomy books?" I queried politely.
"Second shelf. Pick any you like." Creepily, his dark half's eye looked up at me while the white half's still read on. I grinned and grabbed a book, before running back to Itachi.
"Right. So… just look at this," I told him, opening to a page of female anatomy. He stared blankly, before his eyes widened as he realized what he was staring at. "Ok, this bit is where he sticks is thingy. Ya know. And then if he cu-… ejaculates, then he might get her pregnant." I breathed a sigh of relief, having that little explanation out of the way. Itachi took the book from me, and flipped the page. He seemed a lot more at ease with this picture. I sat up to peek at it. It was the male anatomy. I sighed. Oh well. At least he'd have more options here in Akatsuki.

I've only ever once seen Zetsu scared. And it was over practically nothing.
We were laying in his bed after some great sex, just enjoying each other's company. He was cuddling on my chest, and just for the records, I felt very manly with his adoring eyes on me. My fingers were playing this his hair, and I could tell he liked it. But there was a question that had been nagging at me for the longest time, and now that I had him in a good mood, I thought I should ask it. "When I die, will you eat me?" I asked. The effect was drastic.
He summarily sat up, staring at me with a shocked and slightly wounded expression. His lips were trembling as he tried to answer. Instead, he just climbed on top of me and glared down at me. "You won't," he said, voice quivering. I snorted.
"Grow up. You know I could be killed on any mission. I-"
"You won't die," he reiterated, looking at me sternly.
"Or, I could just eat you now," the dark half threatened, and I knew he didn't mean sexually. "So either I take a limb, or you shut up right now." As we kissed, the moment passed. It scared me to see Zetsu so uneasy, and took me a while to figure out why he got so spooked. He knew then I was the core of Akatsuki. He knew that without me, Akatsuki would collapse. And he would. I was the only one who knew what it was like to be a freak, what he felt. And he didn't want to go back to being so alone. I can attribute my surprisingly long life to him, and all for lending an ear.

I knew his light side was completely infatuated with me from day one. I knew he just could not keep his eyes and hands off me. But I wasn't so sure about his dark half. When he was alone they spoke equally, but when I was near, it was the white side that did all the chattering and such. It kind of put me off. It wasn't until they learned the splitting technique that I finally understood that half.
The dark half was sent on an errand while I and the white half went at it. Afterwards, I whispered my worries to the better half of my strange lover. He sat up and looked at me quizzically. "Really?" he asked. "You think he doesn't love you?"
"Well, I was only saying that he doesn't talk a lot to me, and-"
"Oh he's just shy. He's a proud demon, and wouldn't let you know how much he likes you. He does. Honest." The white half grinned, and since he looked so cute then, I believed him. But once we had sex together, me and his separated halves, I realized just how much they both loved me. The darker half was more dominant, and would push the white side out of the way to get to me, always grabbing and being the pushy bitch. And I realized it was just his way. They were very different, those two, but very the same in their cores.

After Hidan, we didn't bother educating our new members. They could only tell other members by their cloaks. But as for Zetsu, really, no one minded if he was just crunching down a finger while politely being out of everyone's way, and relatively quiet about it. He usually didn't drag home much more than a finger or two, just as quick snack to stimulate his thought. And I didn't have much of a problem if he kissed me with blood still in his mouth. It was Itachi that first said anything.
Zetsu was hanging around the kitchen, scribbling something on a scroll while munching happily on a finger. He was very good about not getting blood everywhere, and wasn't being overly loud about his business. Itachi walked in and stared.
"What are you doing?" he cried. "That's disgusting! Don't eat that in here!" I elbowed him.
"Be polite," I hissed. Zetsu looked up, a bit of dried blood on his chin. Vines wrapped around Itachi, who cried out in alarm, cutting at them with his kunai. They didn't break. I sighed, walking over to where Zetsu was sitting. "Zetsu, be nice. He's just a kid." Zetsu got up and walked over to Itachi, bending his head to his lips brushed against my partner's pale ear.
"Kisame-san won't be able to talk me out of this every time," his black half hissed. "Next offense, and you're mine." Itachi pissed himself. Zetsu gave a delighted squeal and turned to me, grinning, a dribble of blood running down his chin. Slightly embarrassed, he wiped it with his napkin, before heading back to his writing and eating.

Zetsu didn't flirt. He would always look at me with adoration and affection, no matter who was near, but to him, I was so well trained, I didn't need seducing a second time. I was a bit insulted, like I was a trained dog. But he set the rules and regulations, and I would be damned if I wasn't willing to follow him to the ends of the earth. Sometimes, I would think about just doing things my way, pushing against the chains he had around me.
I marched straight into his room, intent on giving him a piece of my mind. He was sitting on his mattress, staring out the window. He didn't look up, but moved to the side. I sighed, sitting down next to him. It was spring, and the grass was a vibrant green from the recent rains. The sky was a pale clear blue, the sun bright and hot. "It's beautiful," Zetsu sighed happily, resting his head on my shoulder. I sighed as well, wrapping an arm around his hips. What was I mad about again? Did I really want him to not have his way with me? Psh. Of course not. My testosterone could take it down a few notches to keep up mind-blowing sex.

I shook Deidara's hand. "Welcome to the gang, sport," I greeted. Deidara smirked at me, and Zetsu's hand was instantly on mine, picking bits of clay off my fingers.
"Exploding clay?" he asked. "That's no way to treat your superiors, Dei-chan."
"Ch. Like I need to respect a couple of freaks, un," the blonde replied. Zetsu frowned mockingly.
"Dei-chan, let me show you something, un. You think this clay is powerful? You think you're actually able to do something because of this?" Zetsu had balled up the clay and was looking at it. "I want you to watch closely, because I'll only show you this once." And with that, he ate the clay. I tried not to laugh. Zetsu grinned at Deidara, his fangs flashing. Deidara was grinning.
"Katsu!" he yelled. Nothing happened. As the teen paled, it was Zetsu's turn to smirk.
"So easily dealt with, aren't you?" he said affectionately, pinching Deidara's cheek. Deidara slapped his hand away, looking panicked. "Go on, Deidara-chan. Throw more clay at me." Zetsu snapped his fangs at Deidara, who promptly ran out of the room. Zetsu turned, grinning, to me.
"I never thought the stomach acid of a demon would come in handy," he said. I snorted.
"Sometimes, you're a creepy little shit." But I kissed him, and he kissed me back.

It's true. Sometimes he was insane. He was in a world no one could hope to reach, though I came pretty close. His was a world of power. To him, plants held immense power. They could communicate on a certain level, and all obeyed him. But when you saw him grinning strangely at a flower, and just staring at it for hours, you'd think he was batty.
Sometimes, I just found it hard to be accepting. He had explained the hyper-sensitive ways in which his senses were tuned, but sometimes, I just couldn't buy it. It was easier to live in this human consciousness of reality, that things were real and mundane, like potato chips and frogs. That if I touched a wall, I most certainly would feel it. I felt that if I followed him into his delusional mind, I would be sucked out of what was real.
The first time this hit me, I ran out of the hideout, leaving Zetsu in quite a naked predicament. I had ran out to the creek, dunking my head under the freezing winter water. As I surfaced, I lay back, closing my eyes. I clenched the dirt in my hands, trying to keep my hold on reality. "He's insane," I whispered to the air. "Plants don't talk. They don't record things." Suddenly, I sat up, looking around at the trees. If Zetsu could actually talk to plants, they would tell him what I was saying about him. I shook myself. But that was crazy talk! Plants didn't talk! But now I was looking around, fear growing in me. My mind began playing tricks on me, thinking the wind was actually the trees waving, or that the noises of the forest were the plants whispering. I clamped my hands over my ears and screwed my eyes shut, hunching over and trying to think rationally.
I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, and nearly screamed. But I looked up into Zetsu's eyes. He had almost sex hair, disheveled and an overall mess. He had hastily thrown on a pair of tight black pants, which were wrinkled. Above all, he looked very, very unhappy. I gulped, seeing he had lost his erection. If he was angry and hard, I could usually charm my way out of it. But not now, when I had left him naked on his bed.
"I'm not insane," he said stonily. "Proof enough? Now get your arse out of the dirt, come back, and be a man." And he turned, storming off, grumbling to himself about troublesome men. I blinked, before getting to my feet. Maybe his world wouldn't be so bad, so long as he was there.

I've only ever seen him actually, truly mad once. Itachi and I were in a forest, fighting a rather difficult battle. Itachi had drained most of his chakra already, so it was me against about twenty. I was so busy battling that I didn't notice Itachi sneaking off. A critical blow send me sprawling, and I closed my eyes, waiting for the next one. But it never came. Instead, there were screams of pure terror and absolute torture. I peeked an eye open. My first sight was of guts spewing everywhere, twisted corpses bent in awkward, inhuman shapes. Shaking, I looked around for Itachi, and I found him. He was spattered with blood, but it wasn't his own. Zetsu was holding his hair, looking positively livid. I was scared shitless.
"Zetsu- Zetsu please don't kill him!" I cried, limping to my feet and lurching towards them. Zetsu's face softened, and vines wrapped around me. For a second it felt as if I was on fire, but when they released me, I was healed. I walked over to the pair. Itachi had already peed himself, and was looking desperately up at me. "Zetsu, please, I know you hate it when we don't win, but-"
"Do you know what he did?" Zetsu asked softly. His voice shook with his rage, and he looked like the most dangerous thing I had ever seen. "He left you, Kisame-san. He was going to let you die, so why don't you just close your eyes, relax, and let me handle this?"
"No. Zetsu, he's just a kid!" I cried. "We… we all make mistakes. Please. Just leave him be. You've already scared him enough. Just… let him go." Itachi began crying and whimpering. "Zetsu you made him cry, isn't that enough?"
"No," Zetsu said simply. "He wanted you to die. He was going to let you die, so why not let me just deal with him, hmm?" Zetsu glowered at me, and I knew the facts of the situation: he could easily knock me out and go kill Itachi, without even thinking twice. But he didn't want to hurt me, and he knew killing Itachi, although the "right" thing in his mind, was not in mine. And so he didn't. He reached into his cloak and withdrew a vile of clear liquid. Eyeing it, he tilted Itachi's head back and dropped a few drops into his mouth. "Itachi, be a good boy and swallow," he growled. Itachi did so. "That's a good boy." Zetsu stepped away from him, still glaring at me. But then he smirked.
"I'm hungry." He split in half, and the things I saw that day I dare not describe. I think I handled it better than Itachi, who was a twitching mess on the ground. I kept my cool, picking through Zetsu's pack to find a book to read. But when it was over, I followed him to the nearest body of water where he washed himself, and let's face it, my sexy Zetsu naked in water, I couldn't help myself. I don't know what was more scarring to Itachi: seeing Zetsu go maniac on twenty destroyed corpses, or seeing me fuck him against a tree.

I feel so stupid now. Zetsu gave him a disease that day, that ate out his intestines and lungs. It cost him his life, in the end. My brat always finds a way to get what he wants, no matter what.

I knew Zetsu disliked Itachi. To a great degree, actually. Given the chance he would fight Itachi fairly, and feast on his flesh. Happily. But despite all of this, I don't know if it was his abuse as a child, but he would always come to young Itachi's defense when things were over his head.
Hidan and Itachi were bickering in the living space about hair products. "Look, faggot, my hair is more important than yours," Hidan shouted. "How am I supposed to seduce anyone if my hair is shit?" Itachi was struck dumb at the sentence. Hidan laughed. "What, you planning on seducing someone? That why you need to take an hour in the bathroom?" Hidan smirked as Itachi blushed. Hidan drew close to him, grabbing his hand. "Hmm? Who is it?" he drawled, mouth too close to Itachi's to be normal. In an instant, the upper half of his head was flying across the room. Zetsu stood there, looking disapprovingly at him. Since his head had been sliced through the mouth, Hidan couldn't speak.
"For shame, Hidan. He's just a child," Zetsu growled, standing protectively in front of Itachi. "Be grateful I don't gut you." Giving Hidan's body a harsh kick, he turned to Itachi. "Don't let him get so close, you're going to get real hurt one day," he admonished.
"He wasn't hurting me," Itachi spat. "And I don't need you to protect me." Zetsu stared at him in horror.
"Don't make me slap you," he growled. "I just saved your innocent little arse!"
My door burst open and Itachi was tossed in. "Educate him, will you?" Zetsu cried indignantly before storming off. God, sometimes that brat is the only thing that can make me laugh until I cry.

I remember all the instances he smiled when I walked in the room. I remember every time he teased the other members, poking fun at their obvious flaws. I remember his insane giggling when he made someone cry, and those serene times when he was just content with watching plants. He was cute back then, sometimes shy and sometimes eager to jump me. He was insane, he was evil, sadistic, cruel, yes, but lovable.
And now we crouched in the rain, under the protection of some trees. We had stripped off our wet clothes, and he had wrapped his leaves around me, pulling me close to his heat. And now he was dozing happily on my shoulder. I took this time to look him over. He had grown a bit taller, and fleshed out a bit more. Not the skinny teenager I had once known. His features had become more chiseled, much more manly. But as he slept, I could still see the childishness. He was still as curious as he ever was, forever sticking his nose where it most definitely didn't belong. But he didn't ever smile in his cute way. No, now he was an adult. He only smirked, and on choice occasions. He would never watch plants with the same rapture.
There was no more Itachi to find displeasure with. There was no more Leader to disobey. No more Kakuzu to laugh with. Deidara wasn't around to tease and mess with. No Madara to give orders. It was just us. It was bitterly ironic of how many times I had wished for there to be a time when we could just be alone. I felt my body clench at the thought, and in turn, Zetsu's. His eyes opened and he looked at me, groggily and disgruntled.
"Do you have regrets?" he whispered. I sighed. Somehow, having Akatsuki gone had abolished all the walls that stood around a shinobi life.
"No. I don't think there's anything I could have done… different."
"How about not developing feelings for me? You could've died for your organization, only have memories of fun and happiness." Zetsu sighed, closing his eyes and pressing his face to my chest.
"You asking if I'd rather be dead than here?" I whispered back. He didn't move. It may seem unfair, but it was a legitimate question with lives like ours. "No chance, kiddo." As he looked up, we kissed. It was innocent and brief, and we quickly separated. And soon we were both asleep.

The next morning I awoke to find myself nuzzling the black half. He had his hand in my hair, stroking it lovingly, and his in his other he held an open book. He looked at me as I woke up. "Whitie went scouting," he replied. "Says he's going to make breakfast." I yawned.
"That'll be good," I remarked, stretching. But I didn't move, enjoying the feeling of our skin touching. His white half returned, and cuddled close to me, looking very content. I asked about breakfast and he told me I could get it myself.
There was no heat, and no running water. Hell, there wasn't even a roof. It was hard work and a lot of traveling, and you had to fight for your meals. But sometimes, and just sometimes, mind you, he would give me his old smile, like he was a kid again, and everything made sense. It made sense why my home was wherever this brat of a monster was leading me.