Sonic Adventure 2 Abridged: Hero Story
by Stephen Thompson
13:27
Above the capital city
(A helicopter flies over the city)
Pilot: Sigma Alpha 2 heading due south over the city. Not sure where we're going, but the view's great.
Control Tower: This is Control Tower, we read you. Report cargo status of captured hedgehog aboard, over.
Pilot: ...What?
CT: Do you have the hedgehog?
Pilot: Affirmative. (Looks towards the back of the chopper) Actually, no. Not anymore.
CT: What?
Pilot: It seems he's taking out everyone aboard and broke down the door to get out... and a piece of my left wing is missing. I guess he ripped it off.
CT: Whoawhoawhoa, hold up! First off, how do you not hear your entire team getting beaten up and the door being broken down?
Pilot: Well, seeing as a helicopter makes a lot of noise, and with this huge headset over my ears-
CT: Shut up! And second, how can a hedgehog with skinny-ass arms rip off metal from a helicopter?
Pilot: Maybe he ripped it off with his legs.
CT: ...
Pilot: Don't worry about it, Control. How can he survive a fall like that?
CT: Two words: "Sonic game."
(And so, we see our brave hero snow...er... helicopter-boarding down the steepest roads ever seen in a video game. The architects must've known that someone would one day run into a car, causing it to run into other cars, costing millions of rings in property damage, and that it would be a sight to see. But how a piece of a helicopter the size of a snowboard can send a taxi flying is beyond human comprehension. In fact, most of the things Sonic does is not physically possible. I mean, running down buildings? And surviving? Oh well, anyway, as our hero nears the Goal Ring, he finds himself being chased by a giant truck that could only have appeared behind him by way of magic. Exciting, isn't it?)
Fast forward to nighttime, because whatever Sonic did over the next 8 hours or so is not important at all. Trust us, it isn't.
Sonic: This game of tag is boring! I'm... Wow, that was awful...
(A massive guard robot appears before Sonic)
Sonic: Hm! Finally decided to show up, eh? ...Jeez, I'm a roll.
Big Foot: This is Big Foot, reporting to headquarters. Intruder has been located.
HQ: Intruder? We don't have any intruders on radar...
BF: But he's standing right in front of me!
HQ: What is your location Big Foot?
BF: I'm... in the capital city.
HQ: Oh, for God's sake! "Suspect!" "Suspect!" When you're chasing after a criminal outside HQ, it's "Suspect!" Only use "Intruder" when he's in our base! *Disconnects*
BF: Well, now I know.
Sonic: And knowing is ha-
BF: NO! *Fires missile* (Sonic dodges) I've heard enough of those PSA's during training!
(Big Foot then gets slaughtered by Sonic because if there's one thing he's learned in the millions of games he's been in, it's, "When in doubt, go for the cockpit." A black hedgehog appears on top of the wreck, holding the green Chaos Emerald.)
Shadow: It all starts with this: a jewel containing the ultimate power.
Sonic: Wait, was that emerald in the robot this whole time?
Shadow: No. I just like showing off the fruits of my labor to those less fortunate than myself... which at this point is just about everyone.
Sonic: Fruits of... so YOU'RE the one the military's really after, not me!
Shadow: Yes. My name is Shadow the Hedgehog. I'm-
Sonic: A hopeless recolor of me?
Shadow: No. I'm the world's ultimate life form.
Sonic: But I thought that was-
Shadow: Mewtwo managed to get himself captured by a 10-year old boy. He doesn't deserve the title.
Sonic: Oh.
(The military finally catches up with Sonic)
Soldier 1: Freeze! Put your hands up and-
Soldier 2: My god, there's two of them!
Soldier 1: But... but which one stole the emerald?
Soldier 2: I don't know. I can't tell the difference!
Sonic: Yes, because we look SOOO much alike. *Rolls eyes*
Soldier 1: OK, let's thinks this through carefully. One of them is the real Sonic. But which one?
Shadow: You know, blue hedgehog, I was actually going to leave when these guys showed up. But I'm actually enjoying this.
Soldier 2: Alright, on the left we have the hedgehog that we've been chasing this whole time. On the right, we have another hedgehog who's holding some kind of gem. It kinda looks like an emerald... hmm...
Sonic: Guys, I really think the choice is quite clear.
Shadow: And if it isn't, let me make it easier for you. Chaos Control!
(Shadow disappears in a flash)
Soldier 1: *Points at Sonic* It's him!
Sonic: Oh, for fu-
(The military knocks Sonic unconcious)
11:08
Desert Area (of all places)
(We see Knuckles and a bat named Rouge, who is rather... revealing. The two are standing on opposite ends of a square of hieroglyphics on the ground with the Master Emerald in the center. Maybe they're playing poker and they had no chips.)
Knuckles: OK, seriously, woman. You're not getting my emerald, and that's final!
Rogue: No! I must satisfy my unhealthy obsession for jewels!
Knuckles: For what? Won't people get suspicious when they find out that all their jewels have gone missing?
Rouge: No, I work for the government. Therefore, I can do whatever I want and get away with it.
Knuckles: Well, I can't argue with tha- What the?
(The Master Emerald is grabbed by a robotic hand and gets pulled up towards Eggman's trademark vessel)
Eggman: Aw, damn it! I thought this was a Chaos Emerald!
Rouge: Wow. A giant, flying, talking egg. Now I've seen everything.
Eggman: Silence, wench! Do you have any idea who I am?
Rouge: Why? Did you forget?
Eggman: AAAHHHHHH! I'm not dealing with this! I'll just take this emerald with me! Maybe it'll prove to be useful.
Knuckles: Not if I can help it! *Jumps and breaks the emerald, pieces falling to the ground*
Rouge: NOO! You destroyed my emerald, you knucklehead!
Knuckles: You're very creative.
Eggman: *Sigh* Doesn't matter. I didn't need it anyway. *Flies away*
Rouge: *Strangling Knuckles* Why would you do that to my emerald?
Knuckles: *Breaks Rouge's grip* Look, first off, it's not YOUR emerald! Get it through your thick skull! And second, look. *Puts the emerald pieces together* Tah-dah!
Rouge: Wow.
Knuckles: Yeah. Now imagine what would happen if the pieces scattered all across the world. There'd be pieces in the canyons, the lagoon, the cliffs... Hell, some pieces might even find their way underground!
Rouge: Yeah, searching for them would be VERY repetitive!
(Rouge and Knuckles laugh)
Rouge: Oh wait! Was that guy back there Dr. Robotnik?
Knuckles: Umm... who?
Rouge: You know, egg-shaped body, really smart, tries to take over the world all the time...
Knuckles: Oh, you mean Dr. "Eggman!" How did you come up with "Robotnik?"
Rouge: Never mind. I just remembered I had an assignment involving him. I gotta go after him!
Knuckles: Be my guest.
(Rouge flies toward Eggman's base, while Knuckles walks away with his Master Emerald.)
11:56
Prison Island: Nearby airspace
(Tails [you know, that one character we all love] is seen flying his beloved Tornado)
Tails: Yep, there's no doubt about it. This is Prison Island. The place where all the worst criminals are kept. And no one has been able to come in or get out, and live to tell the tale... Which makes me wonder why nobody has spotted me yet... *Looks down* What the-?
(Tails notices Amy and Eggman on an aircraft carrier)
Tails: Amy? And Eggman? What the hell is Amy doing in a place like this? God damn it! Now I have to save her instead of trying to find Sonic, who is clearly the more important of the two. Tornado Transformation!
(Tails' Tornado transforms into a walking mech, and falls down to the carrier to confront Eggman)
Tails: DYNAMIC ENTRY! (Totally not referencing an anime in any way)
Eggman: Aghh! Tails! Fine. I'll just kill you both, starting with you, fox boy.
Tails: Bring it!
(Tails and Eggman duke it out with their mechs, destroying a few jets in the process. Tails ends up being the victor)
Eggman: (Damn. My mech's taken a huge beating. If I continue this fight, I may not be able to escape...) Alright, this time I'll let you go. But the next time we meet, you won't be so lucky!
Tails: Let ME go? I kicked YOUR ass! I'm the one letting YOU go!
Amy: Why don't you just kill him now?
Tails: Because as it is stated in Section IV, Paragraph XII of the Sidekick Handbook, I can't kill the main villain. That's the hero's job.
(Eggman leaves)
Amy: But letting him go can mean danger for us!
Tails: Speaking of danger, what the hell are you doing here? It's too dangerous for you to even walk the streets by yourself, let alone a chain of military-controlled islands!
Amy: I have to save my hero, Sonic!
Tails: (Why do I even ask?) Look, there's no way you'll find Sonic alone, so come with me.
Amy: *Sigh* Fine.
Tails: And just to be nice, I'll let you set Sonic free.
(Amy jumps on Tails' Tornado, and they fly towards the nearest base, which, conveniently, is where Sonic is held)
Tails: By the way, how did you get here in the first place? I highly doubt you have any piloting experience.
Amy: Well, I met this soldier at a bar, and-
Tails: Forget it.
In whatever cell Sonic is held (I would tell you about Tails going through that base and all, but no one cares about what Tails does)
(We find our hero pacing about in his cell, when suddenly, Amy falls through an air vent)
Sonic: Well, it's about t-... Aw, God damn it!
Amy: It's OK, Sonic. Have no fear! Amy Rose is here!
Sonic: ...How long have you been waiting to say that?
Amy: Since we first met.
Sonic: *Sigh* I should've killed that recolor when I had the chance!
Amy: You mean that black hedgehog?
Sonic: You saw him? Where is he now?
Amy: You'll have to marry me if I tell you!
Sonic: Never mind. I'll just rot in here for the rest of my life.
Amy: (Damn.)
(Amy opens Sonic's cell door)
Amy: The black hedgehog came here with Dr. Eggman.
Sonic: Great. What's he up to this time?
Amy: Do you really have to ask?
Sonic: Yeah, you're right. Hey, how did you get here anyway?
Amy: Well, I met this soldier at a bar and-
Sonic: See ya! *Dashes out of the prison chambers*
Outside the prison
Sonic: Hmm... I wonder how I'm gonna get out of here... Hey, maybe riding that giant missile that's about to launch can get me out!
(Sonic grabs on to the missile and goes up and up and up... and up)
Sonic: OK, this isn't really helping... screw it, I'm jumping.
(Sonic jumps off the missile and lands in a deep jungle)
Sonic: Well, that didn't work out... *Looks to the right* Hey, that's...
Shadow: (Oh God, of all the places in the world...)
Sonic: I found you, faker!
Shadow: With voice acting like that, you yourself shouldn't even qualify as a faker.
Sonic: Oh, trust me. It could be much worse... and it will.
Shadow: ...Really?
Sonic: Yeah. I heard that in a few years, our voice actors will all be replaced for some anime.
Shadow: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Different voice actors?
Sonic: Yep.
Shadow: ...ANIME?
Sonic: Yep. English dub and everything. And it's gonna stay that way for all the other Sonic games. Oh, and did I mention the anime's gonna be on 4Kids?
Shadow: *Breaks out into tears*
Director: Guys, we're still rolling...
Sonic: Aw, crap! Quick, back into character!
Shadow: (Ahem!) There's no time to play games. You won't even get the chance.
Sonic: You can't get away this time! There's only one real Sonic!
Director: OK, seriously, who the hell wrote this script?
(And Sonic and Shadow fight... not very exciting)
Sonic: Ha! I won!
Shadow: No, I won!
Sonic: No, I won! I hit you 3 times!
Shadow: I hit you 4 times!
Sonic: You're only supposed to hit your opponent 3 times! Have you ever played a video game before?
Shadow: This is the first game I've been in one...
Sonic: Touché... but I still won.
Shadow: Eh, whatever...
Eggman (over walkie-talkie): Shadow, what're you doing? Get back here right now before the island blows up with you on it!
Sonic: Blows up?
Eggman: Oh God, is that you, Sonic? How did I know you two would run into each other here?
Sonic: You know I'm just gonna stop you like I did in every other game we've been in, right?
Eggman: Oh just you wait, Sonic! Today, I'm actually going to destroy something!
Sonic: What? But that's impossible! You've never done anything destructive before!
Eggman: There's a first time for everything. Now Shadow, get back here! Peace out! *Disconnects*
Shadow: Later. *Disappears*
Sonic: (Damn. I've gotta get out of here and find Amy and Tails... or at least Tails.)
Tails: Sonic! *Flies down to Sonic on the Tornado*
Sonic: Well that was easy.
(Our heroes escape the island just before it explodes... yippee.)
Sonic: This is a pretty fast plane, Tails.
Tails: Yep. This baby can go up to 300 mph and gets 200 miles to the soul.
Amy: ...What?
Tails: The gallon.
Day X (just go with it) 18:00
in the White House
Sexcretary: Mr. President, we just received word that a missile that was launched from the recently destroyed Prison Island just blew up half of the moon.
President: What? This has gone from bad to worse! But how did the island-?
Eggman (via televsion): HAHAHA! Citizens of Earth! Lend me your ears and listen to me very carefully!
President: Oh, that's how.
(As it turns out, Eggman's message is being played on every TV station in the world. Just like what Dreyfus did in The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Great movie. Watch it. )
Eggman: My name is Dr. Eggman. Although my real name is Dr. Robotnik and I hate to be referred to as "Eggman," it seems no one will stop calling me that, so I've learned to embrace the name. Anyway, as you are no doubt aware, I am the world's greatest scientist, and I plan to make this world into the greatest empire of all time. How will this differ from all my other half-assed attempts at doing so? Watch as I demonstrate the awesome power that I control!
(Eggman reveals the space colony ARK and charges up his ultimate weapon.)
Eggman: Now, I do believe this is an appropriate time to say: "IMMA FIRIN' MA LAZOR!11!
(The ARK fires its laser and destroys the remaining half of the moon. Sorry, all you surfer dudes. No more mondo tides for you)
Amy: Oh my god...
Sonic: Man, I can't believe Eggman would go this far...
Tails: How did he manage to harness all that energy?
Sonic: It's gotta be the Chaos Emeralds. Why else would he be looking for them... again?
(Tails whips out his Chaos Emerald from his ass.)
Sonic: Um... What're you doing?
Tails: Listen, Sonic. The Chaos Emeralds are like magnets. They have to power to attract each other. I can use that to find where Eggman is.
Amy: I'm pretty sure he's in that space station that destroyed the moon...
(Police sirens go off)
Police man: The three of you, FREEZE! Put your hands in the air and get on the ground!
Sonic: Do they think WE destroyed the moon?
Tails: Humans...
Amy: Or maybe it's because you destroyed a crap ton of military robots in order to escape Prison Island?
Sonic: Look, I'll take care of the 5-0, while you get out of here and find Eggman! *runs toward the police*
Tails: Got it!
Amy: People! He's in. the freakin'. SPACE STATION! Jesus! *Runs with Tails*
15 hours later (Damn, that's a long time)
Sonic (over walkie-talkie): Jeez, there's always a lot of cops around when you don't need them. Tails, any news yet?
Tails: Nah, I'm not getting any signals from the other Chaos Emeralds. My guess is that Eggman took them into outer space.
Amy: See? I told you! But no, no one ever listens to me!
(Knuckles glides over them and drops down)
Tails: Knuckles? Hey man, what's up?
Knuckles: Not much. Some bat girl tried stealing the Master Emerald, but failed, thanks to Eggman. Speaking of which, did you see what he did?
Amy: Who didn't?
Tails: Wait, hold on a sec...
(Tails begins pressing away buttons on his mech console.)
Tails: Sweet! Sonic!
Sonic: Yeah, what's up?
Tails: I just hacked into the government computer and found out that the President's in his limo talking to Eggman! If we can get to his limo, we can trace the call and find out where Eggman is!
Amy: Or you can just listen to me for once...
Sonic: Why were you in the government computer?
Tails: I figured Eggman would try and communicate with the president one-on-one, so... yeah.
Sonic: Alright. So where is the limo?
Tails: Too hard to say. Just stay put while I find it. You'll probably appear in the next cutscene.
Sonic: Got it. See ya then!
Tails: Peace! *drives off*
Amy: You believe me, right, Knuckles?
Knuckles: About what?
In the president's limo
Sexcretary: Mr. President, reports show that since the incident, the country is in turmoil. Our financial communities are impacted, and our satellite communi-
President: Spare me the technical talk. Don't know what the hell any of that means. *Sigh* What do you want, Eggman?
Eggman (via television): Oh, the usual: Surrender to me and make no attempt to resist.
President: Otherwise...
Eggman: Otherwise, I'm gonna blow the hell out of your planet!
Sonic: Don't think so! *Jumps in the limo with Tails*
Eggman: How did I not see this coming?
President: What's going on here?
Sonic: Don't worry. Everything's under control. Got it, Tails?
Tails: *toying around with the TV* Almost... Got it! He's transmitting from the space colony ARK!
Amy (over walkie-talkie): What did I tell you, guys?
Knuckles: *takes the walkie-talkie* Guys, let's meet up by the desert. Eggman's got a base there, and I'm pretty sure we can get to the ARK somehow from there!
Sonic: Right, let's move! *Sonic and Tails jump out of the limo*
President: Wait!
Sexcretary: Mr. President, we're receiving an incoming signal from our agent.
President: Bond?
Sexcretary: No. He's British Intelligence.
President: Powers?
Sexcretary: So is he.
President: How come we never get good agents?
13:04
Desert area
(The entire gang gazes upon a giant pyramid)
Sonic: So his base is in that pyramid?
Knuckles: Yep. The locals were pissed when he set up shop there, but he turned them all into robot mummies.
Sonic: Well, that's useless.
Knuckles: Not necessarily. The mummies from Banjo-Kazooie were pretty vicious. I mean, they were invincible.
Tails: Unless you used Wonderwing on them.
Sonic: Yeah, but these are robots we're talking here. How would we-?
Amy: Guys, the world is in danger.
Everyone else: Shut up!
Amy: Excuse me? I knew where Eggman was long before you dumbasses figured it out!
Sonic: Well just for that, you get to be with Tails the entire time until we get to a ship.
Tails and Amy: Oh, come on!
Sonic: And Tails, your first order is to find an entrance.
Tails: And what will you guys do?
Knuckles: We'll be right behind you... sort of.
(And, as ordered, Tails finds an entrance. The gang stands before a giant door)
Tails: Well, this isn't good. We need a key to get in... well, three keys, to be exact.
Sonic: Alright, Knuckles. Find them.
Knuckles: What? Why do I have to find them?
Sonic: Well, you're a treasure hunter. You've got the instinct.
Knuckles: Yeah, but keys are not on my list of "treasures."
Sonic: Damn it, Knuckles! Quit being a baby and find them!
Knuckles: Fine! *under his breath* Man, I was hoping to not have to do anything in this game.
(Knuckles begins his search. All goes well, but right after he gets the third key, a giant ghost appears in front of him)
Knuckles: What the? King Boo? What're you doing in a Sonic game?
King Boo: After I was defeated in "Luigi's Mansion," the Mario Brothers banished me into the pits of Tartarus... I mean, a painting. But then Yuji Naka offered me a chance at freedom, at the cost of never being in a Mario game again. So it's kind of a win-win situation.
Knuckles: Ah... well, I'm just passing through, so...
King Boo: Be my guest. *Disappears*
Knuckles: *returns to Sonic and the gang* Found the keys!
Tails: Nice job!
Eggman (via intercom): You little thieves! Did you really think you could get out of here alive!
(A large door opens, revealing Eggman on his mech)
Knuckles: Eggman!
Sonic: *looks towards Amy* Ha! And you thought he was in outer space!
(Amy begins to rip her hair off out of sheer frustration)
Eggman: I will end this here and now! Rise, Egg Golem!
(Egg Golem rises from the sand in the center of where everyone is, but then smacks the top of his head against the ceiling, destroying the battery that rested on his head, thereby shutting it down)
Eggman: ...
Sonic: How 'bout we settle this on the ARK?
Eggman: Good idea. You'll find a shuttle through that large door. *leaves*
Sonic: Works for me.
(The gang gets aboard the shuttle)
Tails: Initiate countdown sequence!
Frau: THIRTY! TWENTY-NINE! TWENTY-EIGHT! TWENTY-SEVEN! TWENTY-SIX! TWENTY-FIVE! TWENTY-FOUR! TWENTY-THREE! TWE-
Tails: OK, you know what? When the doors close, just say "Go."
(The doors close)
Frau: GO!
(The shuttle takes off into space. The gang looks upon the ARK, noticing front looks like Eggman's face)
Amy: Wow, a life-size statue of his ego.
Sonic: Oh, trust me. His ego's much bigger than that. I mean, it- HOLY CRAP!
(The shuttle roughly brushes against a piece of rubble that hid the ARK's weapon)
Tails: Is everyone alright?
Knuckles: Oh no! The hatch door is open!
Sonic: Don't sweat it, Knuckles! There's nothing in the cargo bay!
Knuckles: Oh. Right.
Inside Space Colony ARK
Cannon Countdown: 2 hours 11 minutes
Sonic: OK, guys. There's not much time before that weapon destroys the Earth. We need to stop it now. Tails, can you get some specs on this place seeing as you can hack into the U.S. government computer?
Tails: Uh-huh.
(Tails goes about on the keys and finds a digital map of the ARK)
Tails: Alrighty then... The control room for the cannon is being protected by some sort of shielding. And the generator for the shield is on the other side of the station. I'll go find it and destroy it. Sonic, you get to the control room and wait for me to destroy the generator... Oh! I almost forgot!
(Tails takes out a case that holds what looks to be his Chaos Emerald)
Amy: Are you seriously gonna put that Emerald in with the other ones? ARE YOU CRAZY?
Tails: If you would just shut up for a minute and not jump to conclusions... Anyway, this Emerald is actually fake. I designed it to reverse the energy field inside the other Emeralds and blow up.
Sonic: Ok, so when you say "blow up," how big an explosion do you think it will make? I mean, I know I'm the hero and all, but I don't wanna go all martyrdom and...
Tails: Relax, Sonic. It'll take time for the explosion to occur.
Sonic: Great! Well, let's get moving!
Knuckles: What about me?
Tails: Oh, I forgot you're here. Well, just make sure nothing happens to Amy while we're gone.
Amy: What? I don't get to come with you guys?
Sonic: Pfft! No. Are you kidding me? You'd be dead in minutes flat.
Amy: I've got a hammer, you know!
Tails: Which means you'll be fine if robots attack you, seeing as you have Knuckles with you as well.
Amy: ...But..
Tails: Let's go, Sonic!
Inside Space Colony ARK
Cannon Countdown: 45 minutes
(Tails has destroyed the generators and Sonic is now inside the control room)
Tails: (over walkie-talkie) Alright, Sonic. Now put that Emerald-
Eggman: (over walkie-talkie) *interrupts* Ahem! Tails, tell Sonic to meet you at the resear-
(Punching noises are heard over the walkie-talkie)
Knuckles: (over walkie-talkie) Don't worry, guys! Everything's fine on this end!
Tails: Well, thank God you were with us, Knuckles! Now, Sonic, place the Emeral-
(Tails' walkie-talkie suddenly disconnects)
Sonic: Uh... Tails? ...Tails?
(Shadow comes crashing through the wall, holding Tails' real Emerald)
Shadow: AAAAHHHH! THE CHAOS EMERALDS ARE TOO POWERFUL TO LET THIS GAME END! THROW!
(Shadow throws the Emerald into the... thing... that holds the other six)
Sonic: No! What have y-
Shadow: HEDGEHOG KICK!
(Shadow kicks Sonic in the stomach, sending him flying)
Shadow: CHAOS CONTROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
THE END
(suh-suh-suh, Sonic, the Hedgehog!)
(BOOM!)
"Sonic Adventure 2 Abridged: Dark Story" Coming Soon