NOBUYUKI'S LUCKY DAY
It was another typical lunchtime at the Masaki household. Sasami had set out a lovely meal for everyone and the first thing that Ryoko and Ayeka did as they entered the room was to try and convince Tenchi to sit next to them.
The supposed Head of the Household, Nobuyuki, assessed the situation and immediately decided upon a solution.
"Now, now, girls; I'll sit by both of you. Isn't that fair?"
He promptly plopped his middle-aged butt between the two aliens before they could protest. It is possible that Ryoko could have simply scared him away with some carefully chosen words and a gentle pull on his collar, had the architect not lost all sense of tact and immediately swung his eyes toward her breast…
Without even getting up, Ryoko picked up Tenchi's father with her left hand by his throat, shook him violently, and then proceeded to toss over yonder couch. Having won a victory, she helped herself to the spoils of war: Nobuyuki's lunch.
Tenchi just shook his head sadly, pitying his father…that is, until Ryoko grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him over to her side.
Nobuyuki peered over the couch as the fight started. He harrumphed sulkily and then turned around.
"Lucky skunk," he grumbled as he grabbed a beer from the coffee table and pulled out a girlie magazine from beneath the cushions, "What does he have that I don't?"
He took a swig and then mumbled, "Where's my lucky break?"
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," he sighed, seeing as the rest of the family was now in full eating mode.
He slid the door open to reveal a smiling man in a bathrobe, with a martini glass in one hand and a cigar clenched in his teeth.
"Hi!" He looked around.
"Nice place you got here."
"Uh, thanks," said Nobuyuki.
The man continued, "I'm from Playboy Magazine. We've been watching you, and did you know that you have purchased over 5340 copies of our magazine over a period of 16 years?"
The women stopped and turned toward Nobuyuki and the visitor. Ayeka, Kiyone, Washu, and Ryoko were glaring looks of disapproval, while Mihoshi continued eating and Sasami asked a nervous Tenchi what a "playboy" was.
"Oh, really…heh-heh…that many, huh?"
"Yessir, and in recognition of your efforts…" the man pulled out a fancy looking diploma-sized card "…We're giving you a twenty year subscription, and a portrait in the Playboy Mansion's Hall of Honor."
Everyone's mouth dropped open at that. Nobuyuki would have screamed with joy hadn't the women been present. He accepted the card eagerly, and his eyes began to well up with tears of joy…
Then, a man in a brown suit came in.
"Hi, there!" He looked around. "Nice place you got here."
"Thanks," Nobuyuki replied.
"I'm from Coors Beer. We've been watching you, and did you know that you have drunk approximately 147,643 gallons of beer over the last sixteen years while reading Playboy?"
"Really?"
The family began to come over to the entryway as the conversation continued.
"Yes, and in recognition of your accomplishment, we're giving you a ten-year supply of Coors Beer."
He stepped inside beside the Playboy guy as two men entered pushing handcarts that held boxes filled with beer bottles.
"Wow! Look, Tenchi! Ten years worth of beer!"
Then, another guy in a gray suit stepped in.
"Hi there!" He looked around. "Nice place you got here."
"Thanks," said Nobuyuki.
"I'm from Old MacDonald's Glue and Cement Corporation. We've been watching you, and did you know that you have used over 453 jars of rubber cement to keep pictures of women on your bedroom walls?"
Nobuyuki gulped and looked back at the women, who were now eyeballing him strangely.
"Oh, really?"
"Yep, and in recognition of your achievement we're giving you a ten-year supply of rubber cement!"
He stepped inside as two men with handcarts unloaded boxes full of the stuff in the entryway.
"Wow!!" Nobuyuki cried in joy.
Then, a man in a laboratory coat walked in.
"Hi there!" He looked around. "Nice place you got here."
"Thanks," said Nobuyuki.
"I'm a scientist from the Dirty Old Men Research Institute. We've been watching you, and I'm happy to say that you are now being used as the prime example of a 'Widowed DOM'. In recognition of your accomplishment…" he pulled a flat box out of his coat and handed it to Nobuyuki, "…we're giving you this inflatable woman."
Nobuyuki began crying tears of joy. Then, Ryo-Ohki hopped down the stairs from her nap, and sniffed at a box of beer.
Then, a guy dressed in a bright orange suit came in.
"Hi there!" He looked around. "Nice place you got here."
"Meow?" asked Ryo-Ohki.
"I'm from Farmer Brown Vegetables. We've been watching you, and did you know that you have eaten approximately 86,735 carrots in the last year?"
"Miya, Meow?"
"Yes, ma'am, and in recognition of this achievement, we're giving you 2.5 tons of carrots!"
A roar came from the other side of the house as the first load arrived.
Nobuyuki turned to his son, a broad grin on his face.
"Tenchi, we have beer, we have girlie magazines, we have glue, a balloon woman and carrots! We're set for life!"
Mihoshi popped up and said happily, "I feel a song coming on!"
"Bom-du-bop, -bom-du-bop, bom-du-bop,-bom-du-bop
Fattening up our cabbit!!"
This was based on a sketch by the Kids in the Hall. And whatever's real in here ain't mine!