I couldn't sleep tonight, so I went down to the living room to write and maybe make meself tired. I don't really know why I couldn't sleep, but I suppose it has something to do with the baby.
And I don't even feel sick or anything like that, though I'm sure I will in the morning. I just keep pondering about the baby just like every other night this week. It's silly, really. Niles told me he finds himself thinking about the baby and me while he's at work sometimes. I think that's very sweet. I hardly ever think about it at all during the day, except of course when I feel sick to me stomach. I don't show that much yet, so I don't have that constant reminder, and usually during the day I'm over with Martin and Frasier or with Niles. Yet at night, when I'm lying in bed, I can't think about anything else.
First I think about whether it will be a boy or a girl. We've already decided that we want it to be a surprise. I'm not all that sure what I want yet. I'm sure it doesn't matter at all to Niles. He'll be a perfect father either way.
When I think about having a little boy, I think about all me brothers. It would be so easy to take care of him if he was a true Moon Boy. Oh, the fun he'd have in our big apartment running around all day! But, what if he's like Frasier and Niles and all he wants to is study all day and listen to opera? I can't imagine what that would be like. I suppose what I would love is for our son to be smart and polite, yet be playful and a bit mischievous as well. That would be lovely, but I know I'll love him no matter what he's like.
Then I think about if we were to have a girl. It would be Martin's very first granddaughter and the first Crane girl born in years. I wonder if she'd be anything like me. I'm hoping she'd look more like Niles, with pretty blue eyes and blonde hair. I like the idea of my daughter having psychic visions like me. I could have someone who understands me visions and someone who believes in them fully, someone other than Mum, at least. Maybe she'll love books and reading and be shy like Niles, or maybe she'll like taking care of people and like talking and prattling on a bit much like me. Either way, I'd love that.
Sometimes I think about how things are going to be different once this little thing is born. I'll probably spend a lot more time at home, and if Niles can help it so will he. This house looks so different when I look at it and know that a child is going to live in it. I run me fingers over the couch and think that someday soon my little boy or girl is going be sitting on it.
A few days ago when I couldn't fall asleep, I got up and went in to the nursery. (Niles finally got rid of that bloody gift-wrapping room, thank God!) There's not much in there just yet but a few stacked boxes. I looked around in there and sighed, and then I went over to the window and looked out. It has the best view out of all the windows on the house. You can see the gardens out back and even hear the water from the fountain out there. The next night I came back and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall in the dark like that. Little did I know that Niles gotten up and followed me in there. He sat down on the floor with me and held my hand and we just sat there in silence for a while. Pretty soon, he was telling me that we should go and get some sleep, so we both went and I slept soundly after that.
That's not the only time he's caught me doing something like that. About a week ago I got up and went on the balcony and looked at the stars. Before I knew it Niles was out there, too. He kissed me cheek and told me that it was much too cold for me to be outside, and that I needed my sleep. So I went with him back to bed.
Now that I look at all these things, Niles must think I've lost me mind! What is it that only makes me do these things at night? I guess when I look back on some other times, nighttime is when I think about things most. It's like the first time I was engaged. All night long I would dream about me wedding to Donny and just how grand it was going to be. It's the same with some other things to, like when Joe broke it off with me and especially during that time when I was falling for Niles. And most of me visions do come to me at night, too. That has to mean something as well.
I suppose I'll probably never know what it is. What I do know is that I'm getting too tired to come up with the right words any longer. I should go to sleep now.
D.