It's been six long months. Six months of hunting alone before retuning back to the same town to watch from the shadows as his brother lives another life. A life where he wears a blue jumpsuit with a patch on the pocket that says Al's Garage. He watches him make friends and go on dates with the cute blonde from down the street. He smiles when his brother does. It's been a long time since he's seen him so carefree, so relaxed. The weight of the world isn't driving him into the ground anymore.
A part of him is content to watch, to see his brother make a life for himself and be happy. Maybe he'll still be watching in five years time, when his brother has settled down with the cute blonde. He wonders if he'll be alive in five years time to see a wedding ring on his finger.
The other part of him wants his brother to know who he is, wants to be selfish and drag him back to his old life...his real life. He's never been good at being alone, he's needed someone since he was six years old and strange nightmares kept him awake at night and only being near his brother made him feel safe enough to fall back asleep. He's needed his brother all his life and being so near yet so far away is tearing him in two.
He wonders what his reaction would be. Would he call him crazy and turn away or would be believe him? Would his memories return? And if so, would his brother resent him for pulling him away from his perfect life? He wished he had the answers.
He knows his brother visits a shrink in the next town over once a week. The brother he knew would never go see a shrink. It makes him wonder what else is different about him. Sometimes he stands outside the shrinks office and watches him arrive, staying in the same position until he leaves again, trying to gauge any miniscule change there might be in him from his hour with the shrink. Sometimes he leaves the office tense and guarded, other times he has red-rimmed eyes and it makes him ache to think he wasn't there to comfort his brother.
He broke into the shrink's office once and stole his brother's session tapes. He had pushed them into the car's tape player and pressed play. In the empty motel parking lot he sat and listened. It had been too long since he'd heard his brother's voice.
"So Scott, how are you doing?"
"The sam.e"
He doesn't recognise the voice asking the question, it's deep and soothing just like you'd expect from a shrink. He barely recognises his brother's voice. He can hear the frustration and weariness he hides so well from everyone. It hurts to hear him being called Scott and another pang of hatred for his situation runs through his body.
"Have you remembered anything new?"
"No, nothing...it's still just a...a dark hole in my mind."
"It'll come."
"I'm not so sure anymore doc."
He doesn't want his brother to give up hope. Doesn't want him to feel so much despair, even when he's torn between his want to give him a better life and his need for his brother back. He gets headaches as his brain tries to contradict itself. He wants his brother to remember...yet he wants him to let go of what he doesn't remember.
"And the nightmares?"
"...worse than ever."
"Tell me about them Scott."
"I wish I...the things that I see...there are no words to describe..."
He stopped the tape after that. He didn't want to hear anymore, not when he knew his brother was still having nightmares, even now, when he had no idea what they even meant. He had no idea that they were memories...horrific memories. How could someone with no recollection of their past still be haunted by their worst memories?
Another month passes and he's hunted a ghost and exorcised a demon in between visits to the small town. He watches his brother eat lunch with his co-workers at a small diner, smiling when his brother orders extra pie. He watches his brother start to build a car from scratch, watching as it comes together, each piece of metal lovingly fixed and installed into the empty car shell. It's his own personal therapy. Putting the pieces of the puzzle together one by one gives him time to think and reflect. He wonders what's on his brother's mind.
He looks away for only a moment and when he looks back his brother has disappeared. Old irrational fears bubble to the surface and only go away when his brother grips his bicep and yanks him hard. He finds himself pressed against a brick wall, an arm pushed against his neck.
"Who the hell are you?" His brother demands, no recognition in his eyes. He says nothing. "You've been following me around." He winces as the arm presses hard and he struggles to draw breath. He knows he could fight back and he knows he would win but something stops him. "Tell me who you are!"
He never expected this outcome, never in a million years. It's the moment where he has to decide. Truth or lies.
He answers his brother, not knowing if he's making the right decision. He's not sure if he'll ever know. "My name is Sam - Sam Winchester - I'm your brother."