The first time Sirius Black knew he was unwanted was when he was seven.
"You idiot!" His mum screeched as he stood above the broken vase that used to be one of his mum's greatest possessions. Sirius didn't know why she was so attached to it. It was big and ugly and—
"Go to your room and stay there! Do something useful for a change! Merlin knows nobody wants you here!"
Sirius stared at her in shock. Sure, his parents weren't the nicest around, but, but... He wasn't wanted? Sirius ran to his room and didn't say a word as he collapsed against the door with tears streaming down his face.
He was careful to not make a sound, as, "Black wizards are strong. We do not cry," and hisses of "weakling," voiced venomously in his head.
-/-
The first time Sirius Black knew prejudice was when he was knocked over by a group of fifth year Gryffindor who sneered, "Black," as if it was some sort of curse. Sirius wanted to yell at them, say he wasn't like the rest of his family, but the words got stuck in his throat. Sirius thought that it happened because he knew deep down that he didn't really believe that.
Then a small redhead with a worried face asked if he was okay and helped him up. She took one look at his face and told him that not all people were like that and that they were stupids and shouldn't let them get to him she said with a scowl. She saw someone behind him and smiled, her anger dissolving and asked if he would like to join her friend, but Sirius knew he was a big boy and could find allies just fine himself thanks.
(He would remember his first time he knew kindness to be a fiery temper and a bright smile.)
-/-
Sirius Black remembered his first friend as a whirlwind and a carefree moment where he realized that he didn't have to put any masks on for someone to think him worthwhile. James Potter was a wind, limitless, independent breeze that pushed through Sirius, taking him away up higher than he had ever been. This wind had the potential to blow itself out, burning so brightly until it was destroyed (but that wouldn't happen for a while yet).
-/-
Sirius remembered the first time someone bullied him. The older years had decided he wasn't cut out to be a Gryffindor and knew that he was a snake in disguise.
(Sirius didn't make it back to the dorms until past dawn, only to find James, his first friend, on his bed, still awake. James had jumped up with a worried frown as he saw the weary look on his friends face and told him he was late before giving him a hug. (That was Sirius' first time being comforted. He decided he quite liked that feeling.))
-/-
Sirius remembered the first time someone stood up for him. Ever since he got to Gryffindor, the older years (who had become quite familiar with his dear, dear cousin Bellatrix) had laughed and poked and prodded at him. Sirius was in an abandoned corridor when they found him again. They had only just begun tying him up to dangle from the ceiling when Lily Evans came down upon them with her fiery temper and managed to get every single one of his tormentors to meekly apologize and turn themselves in to McGonagall .As soon as they left, Sirius could only look at the wondrous beauty that was Lily Evans.
-/-
Sirius Black remembered his first prank. James was feeling bored and wanted a laugh and Sirius would do anything with his new friend. (If anyone noticed that those sporting polka dots were the same ones that had tormented Sirius, well, no one said anything.)
(It was the first time Sirius felt protected and loved.)
-/-
Sirius remembered the first time he fell in love.
No, he remembered the first time he realized he was in love.
James and the gang were laughing around on the grounds after exams and Lily and Snivellius were in the shade talking nearby. James saw this, of course, and yelled if she wanted to join them, away from the slimy snake. Lily turned her nose up at them and deliberately turned so she couldn't see them. Sirius saw the red against the green of the grounds and the black and hazel full of laughter. James, who was hardworking, and never let anything get in way of his dreams, and Lily, who stuck to her morals even when it would be easier to compromise them.
Sirius realized he was in love with James and Lily that day.
(It was only natural to fall for the ones who had saved him in the first place.)
-/-
Sirius Black remembered the first time he felt heartbreak.
James had finally gotten Lily to go out with him on a Hogsmead weekend, and Sirius was excited. Moony and Wormtail wanted to go get supplies, so it was only natural that he go with James and Lily. He walked down to the grounds only to find that they didn't wait for him, and watched as James held Lily's hand as he helped her into the carriage, their eyes full of mirth and love; then Sirius realized there was no room for him in this relationship. Sirius fled back to the castle and found solace in the kitchens where no one would find him.
Moony came a while later declaring that it was dinner time and he was hungry. When Sirius didn't reply Moony sighed and asked the house elves, if they weren't too busy, if they could please make them a light dinner. Almost immediately, there were a bunch of roast beef and turkey sandwiches sitting in front of Sirius. Moony said quietly that he knew Sirius was in love with James and Lily, anyone with eyes could see. Except them, as they only had eyes for each other. Then he asked Sirius to please eat, he had been in the kitchens all day and Moony knew he hadn't eaten.
"It- it hurts Moony." Sirius had whispered.
"I know, Padfoot, I know." He sighed.
-/-
Sirius remembered the first time he felt melancholy.
James was at his flat and was nervously pacing around until Sirius finally got him to sit down and tell him what was wrong because he couldn't help him if James didn't bloody tell him what was wrong!
"I'm going to propose."
Sirius has thought he knew what heartbreak was. But this? This was the finalization that they were together, that they did not want him, the crushing of what little hope he had held out that he would be wanted.
So he smiled and said Lily (Lily, with her fiery temper and bright smile) would love to be married to James (James, carefree and like the wind, gentle and demanding all at once), and that she would rather have no other (Sirius, the broken, with no good family, and no good memories).
Later, at the wedding, everyone was happy for the bright spot in the middle of a dark, twisting war; this little spot of bright, pure love raised everybody's spirits. Sirius was best man, toasting to the bride and groom (singular) and generally acting like he was having a good time. Later, when everyone else was drunk, and would remember nothing, Sirius let the facade fall, and left to Moony's flat. He didn't care if he was the traitor, he needed comfort, and if that came from Voldy's left hand then so be it.
(Moony came home five minutes after Sirius had left, saw one look at his face and simply held him as he cried.)
(If this happened again after his loves told him Lily was pregnant, no one had to know.)
-/-
Sirius remembered the first time he was glad his loves left his flat.
They had come over because they thought he looked lonely (they had no idea), and wanted to spend some time with their best friend (who they had come to love as a brother (and nothing hurt more)).
Sirius remembered being glad that they were leaving, because he didn't know how much longer he could act like he was glad to see them, that he didn't mind that they sat next to each other while he was on the other side of the table.
As soon as they were gone, Sirius collapsed next to the couch, no strength left, and left as if their parting had took all his emotion away.
(He stared at that same spot of floor without thinking until he suddenly saw Moony's worried face in front of him. Sirius could see Moony's lips moving, but could hear nothing. He could tell his dissociation was scaring Moony, but he couldn't bring himself to care. In the morning he woke up feeling slightly better, and walked to the kitchen to find Moony making breakfast. He later learned that it had been a day and a half between his loves leaving and Moony coming. (He didn't think Moony was the traitor anymore.))
-/-
Sirius remembered the first time he felt fear for his loves.
It was during the war when James said they needed to go into hiding. That He was specifically targeting them due to some crackpot old prophecy, about Harry. His loves were going into hiding, because although they could protect themselves, they knew they needed to protect little Harry (Harry, with his mother's bright, kind eyes, and his father's carefree, independent streak), who needed both of his parents.
They named him Godfather (and Sirius felt his heart twist, the irony of wishing to be a part of their lovely family, now getting to be in it and fucking it up (Sirius felt like that was all he was good for, nowadays)).
They asked him to be their secret keeper, and he had to decline, knowing that he fucks everything up, and he can't possibly have their lives in his hands, and suggests steadier ones, like Wormy.
(That was the first time he's felt truly proud of himself, when they asked him to be secret keeper. Looking back, it's all irony now, and hurts too much to think about.)
-/-
The first time Sirius felt hate was a couple weeks after his love went into hiding.
Oh, how he hated Wormtail, the fucking traitor. His loves, his poor, poor loves dying before their time, trusting him to make the right decision, to protect them with his life and he failed. He was filled with rage, because of this spineless, traitorous, filthy coward, his loves were dead and he was not. The only thing he could think of was his loves, dead, Harry, surely, and all because of one fucking man they trusted to be on their fucking side.
He found the traitor, but in his shock and anger he got away.
(As the aurors took him away, he laughed, because he remembered Moony telling him that anyone with eyes could see he was in love with Lily and James, and yet the truly believed that he betrayed them? Oh, the irony (Sirius felt like his life was the definition of irony nowadays.))
-/-
The first time Sirius felt true, heart stopping, chilling fear was when he realized he wasn't getting a trial and was instead going to be sent directly to Azkaban, in a high priority cell.
The dementors came, and all he felt was a chilling cold as his worst memories started to play.
(Funnily enough, all his worst memories were of his loves, a mocking of his true feelings, as he watched them again and again (and again, and again and again and again andagainandagainandagain) leave him for each other, washing wave after wave of pain upon him. (Sometimes his family was involved, but most of his memories that played were of his loves.))