Happosai Will Die as He Lived… AWSOME!!!
AN: Ok I realize that if you are a reader of my other fanfics (How Many People Wanna Kick Some ASS) than you will be pissed as hell that I took time out of my already demanding schedule and when I should have been writing that I wrote this. Well I'm sorry but inspiration is a bitch…a stupid bitch, when it comes to timing. I LOVE the show Ranma ½ ok. (Dirty Joke/ reference coming up… it involves penis for all of you under 18 so yeah be warned.) I would like jack off to the series if I could… unfortunately I would need a pair of tweezers for that so obviously I don't (AN within a AN: I would just like to point out that all references to my penis were completely for comedic purposes… I am really huge. In fact the last chick I had sex with died from the size… Ok I didn't haven't had sex with a (conscious) chick and she didn't die… OK HELP ME I NEED TO GET LAID… I HAVENT HAD SEX IN 16 YEARS AND I'M FAT I NEED HELP NOWWWWWWW!!!! (AN within the AN within the AN: I would like to point out this to was for comedic purposes… I swear…)) seriously though. This was (whether or not you believe it) the first anime I ever watched really. I had of course watched a little bit of Pokemon and Digimon when I was younger but those don't count (Well not till later cause I only saw like 5 episodes of them. Now though I've watched all of season 1 and 2 of Digimon and I'm working on 5 (3 and 4 kinda sucked though I've seen a lot of them to) Yeah basically Digimon pwns serious newbs). So I began my anime addiction with Ranma ½. And within the godliness of Ranma ½ my two absolute favorite characters (well more like villains I guess you might say) are Happosai and Kuno (however the hell you spell his name… the funny child molester guy with the sword who's sister is a crazy mo-fo and whos dad is the principle of the school who annoys the crap out of me…). My favorite of the fiancés are Ukyo and Shampoo Ukyo cause I like the voice in English… and all in all If I was stuck engaged to one of these chicks I would totally have to pick her (Also she crashes their wedding with exploding okinomyaky (or however the hell you spell it) that like earns her so many kudos it is not even funny) And Shampoo cause she talks ridiculasly funny and she had the line "You would not know what do with body like this any way". Also there is Moose who I have to mention because my brother dose a godly impression of him… Any way I was sitting by myself alone in my room (NOT HAVING HOT SEX WHICH PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!) when I thought hey how would Happosai die? Well that is a good question. I mean would he be bested in combate? Would Gendo and Tendo finally succeed in their master plans to get their master out of their lives. Well I thought then "Well how would I like to Die?". Ok well as some of you can tell from what I've written, and some of you can't, but I am a HUGE pervert. I don't even try to hide it. A lot of my friends are closet perverts (thing is if you're an anime nerd you are a total perv, closet or open) I have chosen to be more open about it so that people can just except it about me and move on… The fact is, is that the way I would want to die is be killed while having sex (duh I mean I am a perv, and then after thatI want to be tossed into a live volcano while wearing an Elvis jump suit for my funeral… but that is beside the point), but I realized to that (like me ) Happosai is never going to get laid… Lets just except that as a fact here, I mean I love the guy but man… even I can't say that he will ever have sex with a woman. So I though 'hmmm ok so how would he go'? So here it is… my answer to the question IF Happosai ever died (Hopefully he won't) how would it happen. Enjoy (though it aint going to be very long)
TY
Jester666
THE GREATEST ONESHOT OF
ALL TIME!!!
THE DEATH OF HAPPOSAI:
(AN: Oh and really quickly I want to apologize for the huge lead in…)(imaginary crowed) "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL THE STORY ALL READY!!!"
Ok, ok jesus… heh hem… ok so… Happosai was old. Really old… I mean hell his damn social security # is probably 1. He is short, has been all his life, and is bald. On top of all this… he LOVES PANTIES (AN: PANTIES GLORIOUS PANTIES (AN: Imagine a demonic clown (me ) throwing panties into the air and laughing). Ahh Panties; Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover (Really bad imitation of a Simpsons Joke) this love has ruled over him since his young life. He just can't get enough (AN: WHO THE HELL CAN!?!?!?!). Panties are his drug of choice. They sustain his very life force, in fact it his main hobby to thieve panties for his by now EPIC collection. And can we really blame him (AN: To every man out there… You KNOW what I'm talking about… Some of the ladies do to ) So why do we care? Well simple… It was a day like any other. Happosai woke up early in the morning with several lumps on his head (he had tried to sneak into Ranma's room with some cold water, AND Akane's room with a camera) and feeling good. He stretched and got up ready to start the day with a good groping. He walked down to the breakfast table
"AKANE!!!" He screamed leaping into her chest and getting a good squeeze before being pummeled by both Ranma and Akane. He looked up at them from the floor with tears in his eyes sobbing "Your So MEAN!" Of course he was for the most part ignored. The morning went by with a few more attempts at the boobage (AN: I MADE THE WORD UP!!! GET THE HELL OVER IT. Seriously every ones like I came up with that, No I came up with that… Like hell I came up with the word boobage before anyone else and if you try to steal my word I will castrate you with chop sticks! Got it?). After Akane and Ranma left for school Happosai figured it was as good a time as any to get to work. He grabbed an empty sack and a mask and headed out of the dojo.
His morning was the most successful that it had been in a while. He started with the houses closest to the Tendo Dojo and made his way toward Farinkin High School. There he made a HUGE score. By the time he left, his panty sack was half full. He loved this. It was of course all to easy once you got into the rhythm of it… and he was experienced Panty thief (AN: ok I don't know the difficulty of panty theft by experience cough I swear…). These panties were AWSOME he couldn't wait to get home and add them to his collection. (AN: Just wondering WHERE THE HALL DOSE HE KEEP THE PANTIES????? Seriously if he went out every morning and he did this every episode the house would be literally overflowing with panties!!!) Happosai was leaving the high school and heading out into the city. There he hit pay dirt. There were panties everywhere if you knew where to look (which of course he did). It was as he was pilfering a pair form a clothes line that he heard a noise. It was a strange noise like a cat being stepped on by a 600 pound Chinese prostitute (AN: Just don't ask). He went to investigate. It turned out to be a cat being stepped on by a 600 pound Pilipino Prostitute (AN: again don't even ask). He was about to leave the street and continue on when he caught a glimpse of something in the window at the end of the street. He peered in wonderingly. He immediately went rigid at what he saw. There in the window was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen COMPLETELY IN THE NUDE!!!! And that wasn't all she was in the shower!!!! Happosai immediately fell over clutching his chest…
Coroner's Report: The Subject was found several hours after death. He apparently suffered a heart attack and high blood pressure, brought on by excitement. The subject was (on an interesting side note) found outside a window leading into a shower room, which makes you wonder why someone designed such an impractical bathroom. Also the subject appeared to have been rolling in a pile of panties before death…
EPILOGE: Of course this is not the end for our friend Happosai. If I thought that he would ever die I wouldn't have written this. I would be to busy DESTROYING THE AUTHOR!!! So we see this as an interpretation of what will never be… I thank you for wasting 10 minutes of your life on this fic.
AN: Ok I want to apologize for all; spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors I have made. I did not work with JT on this so that is why. I doubt I'm going to waste time editing this actually. Like I mentioned above I love Ranma ½ and I will always love it. Depending on the response I get from this I might write more. So yeah "If you like it tell your friends, and if you don't like it tell your enemies." I would really enjoy getting feed back. Any way if you are a loyal Jester666 fan (doubt it) then great if not hope you liked it enough to check out my other fics. None of them are romantic or lemony even though every damn thing I write is rated M. All are funny (well to those who get the joke). Also I would like to apologize because I went WAY overboard on the sex jokes. Sorry if you have sensitive eyes. Ok I realize it was about a controversial issue (like a character dyeing) but I think we had fun along the way. So yeah… PEACE MOTHER FUCKERS!!!
Signed
Jester666
King of Clowns and Devils