So, we meet again.
Listen bro, if you didn't start at (at least, part 2 Rewriting History), you're gonna be so lost and we can't be friends. This is Pretty Gay Things are a hot mess and everyone needs to get their shit together. Ontari is confusing. Titus continues to get what's coming to him. Jayson comes back. Things happen. Multiple worlds. Lexark becomes a thing. I continue to be extra.
Part 1: Jus Drein Jus Daun
Part 2: Rewriting History
Part 3: Flames, Fire and Life
Part 4: A lover of the light
Seriously, if you're not reading this on ao3 you are missing out.
LA, two days ago:
Elyza tosses and turns fitfully in her sleep. It's been longer than she can remember since she's had a dreamless sleep, or rather, a sleep without nightmares. All she knows is that it's been too long. For many, many years it was nightmares of her childhood, losing person after person, never being able to save them from unforeseen circumstances, and struggling to survive life's curveballs. There's been too many nights spent in nightmares and days spent in an equally terrifying reality.
Lately, her nightmares are a little more extravagant, more detailed. More shocking to her system, more real than her previous ones - even though she's never lived these ones. For some reason they resonate, they leave her startled and struggling to overcome the emotions that wrack her when she wakes. She's experienced them in fleeting images, in bits and pieces but tonight, something is different.
Tonight they are more detailed, more impacting, toying with her emotions more than ever before and tonight, image after image, are all interrupted by the light and heat of flames.
Tonight, Elyza experiences pieces of lives she does not know, yet somehow feel familiar.
It started with a quaint, quiet street.
And her in a body that is not her own.
She's young. And when she looks around she sees sunflowers, picket fences, a forest and river in the distance. When she looks ahead she sees a girl, about her age with beautiful brown hair.
Before she can get the girl to turn around the flames shift and she changes. She's in the body of an older woman. The girl has grown into a strong and confident young woman. Elyza experiences quick glimpses and intense emotions surrounding a brunette she never sees the face of.
But she knows the name, as if she's said it a million times, as if she's loved her for over a hundred years.
Alex.
She experiences young love rapidly blossom into undying devotion. It's all encompassing, powerful and deep.
She graduates, Doctor of medicine, is proposed to and marries Alex. Gladly. A thousand times over if she had to. And still she sees no face.
Yet, she knows she's the most beautiful woman in this world, or any world. The connection is soul deep, never superficial, intensely interwoven into the deepest parts of her being.
She is the happiest she's ever been.
And then she's sick, so sick she's dying, her body wracked with illness and disease. Her wife's salty tears on her own cheek as she holds her. She's trying to be so strong, to hold them both together.
This Elyza, the true Elyza, connects with that unwavering need to be strong for the ones she loves.
But in this dream, though she never hears it, she knows her name is Claire.
Claire's life rapidly flits by. Her wife, the scientist saves her and they return home. They share experiences, they work for a common goal and do it all with loving care side by side. Soon, they feel like they are saving the world.
But when Elyza follows the dream, when she descends into the dark and mysterious insides of a vault, when it depicts the start of an outbreak from years and years ago she knows that is not the case.
She recognizes pain and heartbreak, she knows what is coming, doesn't want to see it, and cannot escape it. She watches a rocket fly into the sky before she is underground once more, alone, devastated and punching in a code.
Elyza learns what it feels like to end the world and then Elyza learns what it feels like to enter the flames.
It's hot, it burns, and her skin simultaneously melts but remains intact. She's afraid, deathly afraid, and so unbelievably heartbroken she can almost feel it physically shattering into pieces.
Her physical body, sweat covered and heaving in rapid breaths, thrashes about. A small, now semi-conscious, part of her brain wonders if you really can die from a broken-heart. Wonders how, if she were Claire, would she overcome pain such as this.
And then a voice reaches out to her, calming and familiar. She's heard it before in her dreams of her past, calming her, giving her comfort and strength. Promising that someday, all her pain, her misery and heartache would end. Promising that someday she'd find a life worth living instead of merely surviving.
'Don't be afraid, Elyza.'
And for a brief second, she listens.
But when the flames put her in a new body and the scene changes, Elyza, pushes back against the voice, the flames and the images that come flooding. She feels like she can't take anymore. A part of her begs the voice to stop, to stop pulling her to flame and pain. It doesn't listen, doesn't let her go.
She sees a man she's never seen before, blonde hair and blue piercing eyes reaching into her soul through their gaze, the connection is so intensely strong that she waivers. A father, a good man, one that doesn't deserve this fate; she senses what's coming, feels the desperation as her body is clutched and held back by strong motherly arms.
And then she watches horrified as the man is sucked into space.
Floated; the air sucked from his lungs never to be returned. It's too much for her to take. It feels like losing her father all over again, her own memories of him filtering in, layering over the current image.
She screams in agony as her already broken heart splinters again. She fights back, her body twists and turns and her mind begins to build walls to fight against the heat of the flames and the pain of her heart. She doesn't want to see anymore, feel anymore, she can't. She's not strong enough to stay and experience this anymore, but she is strong enough to fight back.
And, she thinks, fuck that voice; she's not afraid, she's fucking terrified.
Her eyes fly open; she bolts forward, hands clutching both gun and blade as she screams. Rapidly breathing, Elyza's eyes dart around the dark room for threats and finding none. She drops her weapons. Her candle has gone out, she rushes forward out of the bed, finds her lighter and sparks the wick.
For someone who ran from the flames in her dreams, she finds she needs the comfort of the flame in reality.
When the candles light flickers in the room Elyza's breathing has not calmed, her nightclothes stick to her skin and Phoenix practically breaks down the door machete raised in a panic.
"Elyza?" her eyes find her sisters and she drops her blade.
She can't answer, she finds she hyperventilating, she barely feels Phoenix's arms encircle her. They spend the remainder of the huddled together on the floor, Pheonix stroking her damp, matted hair and Elyza clutching to her so strongly there will be bruises.
Neither of them speak until dawn.
Elyza doesn't mention that the voice followed her out of her nightmare.
Polis, Two days ago:
Weakness.
Loss. Grief. Pain...
Love.
This is what this is; this display of a broken woman, of a fractured mind, a tired soul and a bleeding heart.
This is what Aden saw when he quietly enters the throne room to check on Lexa like he told Clarke he would.
What he sees shakes him to his core, but what it makes him feel is confusing. A part of him wants to join her, fall to his knees and cry for his family. Another part of him wants to be strong, wants to be able to pick Lexa up, dust her off and make her see that this is not the end.
He hears her quiet whispers, mumbled and gruff, unlike Lexa at all; the only words he makes out are suffering, tired and weakness.
He swallows hard and blinks at the tears. He feels his heart swell and energy return when he hears the need and desperation in Lexa's voice.
When he hears that weakness.
It's a weakness so deeply rooted in the heart it becomes strength, and though Lexa does not feel that way now, one day, it will prove itself to her again. It's a lesson we often must learn time and time again. It's a lesson that Aden is becoming more and more familiar with.
"Gone..." He hears her whisper break and crack this time. He's never heard or seen her look so small, he wants to help, but he doesn't know what to do.
He wishes Kai was here, she'd know without thinking. She's much like Clarke in that way, where Aden is more like Lexa, more calculated, more head than heart at times. Regardless, he finds his body moving closer.
"...I imagine the pulse, can almost feel it, yet I know it is a fool's hope," she continues to herself, he assumes.
The boy slowly moves, careful to avoid looking at or stepping in the blood remaining in the room. The bodies, he avoids even more so.
He's strong, a boy on the cusp of manhood, but he is not strong enough for that.
"...Heda?" He calls hesitantly a few feet from her, attempting to reach the part of Lexa he has seen overcome such pain time and time again.
He sees her close her eyes sadly, fingertips still resting on the pulse of the girl, the one Lexa believes she's imagining. A small sad smile twitches at Lexa lips when she hears the boy call out her given name.
And Aden knows Heda is not in reach. Not right now.
"Lexa," he tries again.
"I can hear you as if you remain Aden." She says it so quietly that Aden strains his ears to hear her. "I am glad you have not moved on yet..." She sniffs as a tear escapes, "I am so sorry...I never meant for this to happen… This shouldn't have happened."
No longer able to remain at this distance when he hears her words, Aden rushes closer, "Lexa. I am right here."
She still does not open her eyes. He chokes on his own tears, "Lexa! Ai laik hir!" I am here! He can do nothing to avoid the desperation that finds its way into his tone.
He watches multiple fresh tears roll down her cheeks from closed eyelids, he falters no longer; Aden moves instinctively, following his heart, he puts his hands on her cheeks forcing her to raise her chin.
"Ai laik hir, Lexa! Situ is here! We live!" The despair in his voice is evident once more. He doesn't care. Let this weakness show, let it join hers; let it make them both strong again.
"I can almost feel your touch, you were always such a gentle boy. One with the mind and heart of a leader..." She says quietly leaning into his palms, "I know when I open my eyes I will see you. I will see you because I want to believe. Want you to be true. But I know I will see you like I see them all... fresh ghosts of my past, standing tall despite my failure to protect you." She sobs again and he wipes his thumbs against the tears, silently begging her to open her eyes. "Ghosts of my legacy…" she adds in a chokes breath.
"Lexa!" He shouts out, moving his hands to her shoulders and shaking lightly. "Snap out of it! Open your eyes! See!"
She awkwardly sucks on air through another sob and slowly opens her eyes. Aden stands and steps back abruptly, gasping as he moves, like he was burned.
Lexa's vibrant greens are dark and murky. Where once they held the forest of evergreens, now replaced with swampy waters as deep as the ocean. She looks at him and he can feel her gaze going right through him, as if he really were a ghost.
It's so believable, so haunting, that Aden finds himself gripping at his body making sure he is still there.
Alive. Standing tall, not in the face Lexa's perceived failure, but because of her.
Standing tall, turning weakness into strength, because of her lessons, her guidance, her heart. Her love.
But he shakes his head absently at a total loss of what to do. He stands there for what feels like days. Aden crying silently as Lexa continues to stare right through him.
And when a whole new wave of devastation wracks Lexa's body Aden flies into action; reaching the point of both frustration and devastation, he palms her cheeks forcing her to raise her head again, "Lexa! Ai laik hir! Ai gonplei ste nou odon" he slaps her in hopes to snap the shock from her system, "en neit ste yun!" My fight is not over and neither is yours!
Just as he finishes his sentence Octavia enters, shock written all over her face. Aden drops his hands, as well as his eyes, ashamedly. Lexa reaches up to rub the now red cheek, smearing more of the blood and war paint as she does so, blinking rapidly through the fog in her mind.
Octavia frowns slightly and comes beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, don't beat yourself up over it, look, it worked..."
He follows her gaze back to Lexa who is now staring at him fully, shock and awe on her face, but finally looking at him instead of through him.
"Aden?"
He drops to his knees and envelops her over situ in her lap, "Ai laik hir, Lexa. Ste yuj. Situ is here as well. Oso gonplei ste nou odon." Our fight is not over.
Lexa looks over his should as she pulls him in and grips him with one arm, the other remaining on Situ. She glances at Octavia who nods to echo his statements, her eyes filled with her own grief and immense worry. The look Lexa doesn't understand, not fully. She has no idea that on top of the weight of what occurred in this very room and city, Raven and Clarke are walking into the proverbial bear's den in search of her daughter and the maniac that caused such heartache.
Aden pulls back and Lexa focuses on Situ's pulse, eyes wide and breath tight in her chest. "She really lives... so that means…" and this time she turns her head to the right, gaze falling right above the body of Peyton as her voice trails off.
And that is the moment everyone in the room knew Lexa was seeing things that were not there.
She really was seeing ghosts.
An audible breath is sucked in the next second that terrifies the bystanders.
The whiplash they experience next is astounding. Lexa rises fluidly with Situ in her arms. She hands her to Octavia gingerly with a nod, "get her to the healers," her hand lingers just above the girls heart, just for a moment. Then she's turning, taking a final glance at Aden before she hides her face and leaves the room.
"Where is she going?" Octavia asks aloud, confusion on her face and unconscious girl held bridal style in her arms.
"Up." Aden answers solemnly, a sense of his own failure washing over him. "Here, I'll take her down. You go to Lexa. Maybe you can..." He trails off unable to finish, at a loss for what anyone but Clarke could do, and just moves his body instead. He hopes she's having better luck in search of Kai.
He takes Situ from Octavia and the woman looks at him sympathetically as he walks away.
"Aden," she stops him at the door, "you did great back there. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, I know this all feels hopeless, but you are strong, stronger than you know, and we need you to remain that way." She looks at him both tenderly as a brother and as sternly as a mentor.
He nods slowly; he pauses before leaving matching her gaze...
"Things are not hopeless, we have all the strength we need, and we just need to find it again." He looks at her with a tilt to his head for a few seconds, "you're stronger than you know too, sis," sister, he adds quietly.
As he leaves on those words, Octavia is taken aback once more by the boy's resilience.
In the face of everything tonight, she barely feels like she's holding it together, how he's doing it she will never know and be forever grateful for it nonetheless.
She silently prays to the spirits that Clarke brings Kai home safely, because she knows if she does not, that loss on top of the rest will make them all crumble to ash.
Lexa climbs the ladder to the roof despite her muscles protests. She pushes through the pain, the desire for air she can't find within the tower driving her onwards.
She can feel her ghosts climbing up behind her and she attempts to move faster wishing to evade them, to distance herself from the pain.
Breathe.
She feels like she can't.
When she climbs through the hatch the cool wind whips around her face. She can feel the dried blood and war paint cracking against it. As she pulls herself through she breathes in deeper than before, she smells moisture in the air and hears thunder in the distance.
And she looks over her city briefly before looking straight into the giant flame atop the tower. She feels the ghosts join her in her silent weeping. She almost feels their ghostly touches, attempting to soothe her, offering comfort she does not feel she deserves.
So all it does is bring more pain.
All it brings to mind are memories, all she has left of them. Her hopes for most of them are now dashed, soon to be ash along with their bodies. She shivers to her core and raises her chin against the onslaught of agony and fighting her tears from blinding her.
The beacon looks small tonight, dimmer. Like Lexa's heart isn't capable of fuelling it tonight...
Almost as if... Her heart wasn't here...
Lexa's eyes widen, "Clarke."
Along with the thousand terrible things that happened today, a thousand more things begin to flow through her brain while she tries to locate Clarke. Panic and an aching worry causing her to clench her hands into fists.
And when she finds she can't find her, when she finds she being blocked, her mind skitters before her emotions begin to toy with the knowledge.
Clarke has run.
Impossible.
And yet...
She's not here.
Her mind continues to play tricks with her; her insecurities, her panic, and her pain and fears all coming to the forefront.
Because if Clarke has not run then something Lexa definitely would not like is happening; she can feel it in her bones, evident when she realizes her wife is keeping her from reading her emotional state along with locating her. It's insult to injury right now, one Lexa can't see beyond, not when it's combined with the burning betrayal she feels the moment she knows her wife broke her promise to never shut her out.
Though the logical part of her brain, the Heda in her, tells her here must be a good reason, there had to be. That tells her Clarke would never do such a thing if she absolutely did not have to.
But Lexa can't really think logically right now.
And there's a foolish part of her that actually blames Clarke for that, because once again, Heda and Lexa are both reeling in emotions. In weakness that does not feel like it could ever be strength at this moment.
Clarke taught her to feel, to react unabashed, to display emotions, and now she doesn't know how to stop it. Doesn't remember how to turn it off, doesn't remember how to let Heda find the strength for Lexa to operate.
Or maybe she doesn't have the strength to keep fighting anymore.
Lexa chokes back her sobs, sits on the edge of the tower's roof and remains there, alone, until Octavia finds her.
Octavia doesn't say anything. She just quietly joins Lexa on the edge and looks over the city with her. They watch the smoke rise from the rubble, the torches flickering, and the bodies moving to clean the city of the dead. They watch the enemy corpses being collected and taken outside the city walls for the larger pyre. Let them burn together, outside the walls of the city they tried to break and couldn't.
The people that fell for polis will burn within the city, just as they should.
As Lexa would.
Hours before dawn, Lexa finally cracks and leans into Octavia for a comfort she desperately needs. The warrior slings her arms around her and holds her silently, stroking her back and hair as Lexa cries.
And once again, an hour later, whiplash occurs for Octavia.
Lexa leans out of her hold suddenly and stands. "Where is Clarke?" she asks while her eyes fall onto Octavia.
Octavia looks at the city once more before answering, "She's taking care of things for you. The uh, pyres and such, she thought you deserved some time to yourself..." She half-lies and omits the full truth carefully.
"Taking care of things..." Lexa repeats quietly, her eyes falling from Octavia to her own blood covered hands.
There's a change in her voice that Octavia doesn't miss and causes her to look at her as she rushes to stand.
"Lexa-"
"No." Lexa holds up her hand, anger much easier to deal with and much easier to display, "I don't want to hear it. Clarke can come to me when she feels it appropriate."
"That's not it! She's simply fulfilling her duty to her people -to you…"
That was the wrong thing to say.
"And I am not..." Lexa says to herself.
Octavia mentally slaps herself; she knew it was the wrong way to put it as soon as it left her mouth, she nervously glances from Lexa to the ledge, wondering if that would be how Lexa kills her.
There's a darkness washing over Lexa's features, a change that calls Octavia's mind back to the cold Heda she met so long ago.
"Lexa-"
"Enough."
Octavia is forced to clam up and run after Lexa as she leaves her alone on the roof. The woman chases her down the hallways until Lexa stops outside her room. Without looking at her, Lexa grits out a dull, "Leave me."
Then the door slams in Octavia's face.
She huffs out a breath before turning down the hall and frowning, "Well, I guess that could have gone worse..."
It is an hour before dawn when Clarke and Raven return with a slumbering Kai and tired souls.