HIGH JINKS on the HIGH SEAS

(Scenes from the QE2 we didn't get to see)

An original Keeping Up Appearances fanfiction

by Carole Jackson

SCENE ONE

"Dressing for Dinner"

It is the Buckets' first night aboard the QE2. They arrived rather later than expected - only an hour ago to be exact - thanks to a series of unfortunate miscalculations that are better left unmentioned. All that's water under the bridge, anyway. They're here! That's what really matters. Safely settled in their cozy little stateroom, they are dressing for dinner. Richard is in the bathroom, looking dapper in his black tuxedo trousers with the silk stripe. He's wearing a brilliantly white starched shirt and is just finishing fastening his cufflinks. Hyacinth is standing in their elegant stateroom (an outer cabin with all full facilities and ocean view) before the dresser. She is attired in a deep blue velvet evening gown with long fitted sleeves and a slim floor-length skirt (very chic!) and is, at the moment, attempting to fasten a (faux, no doubt) sapphire pendant necklace with high sentimental value. The sapphire is Sheridan's birthstone and he gave it to his Mummy for her last birthday. Richard paid the bill of course. You couldn't expect a schoolboy to afford a thing like this. It is a beautiful necklace, it must be said, but it has a very tricky clasp!

Hyacinth calls out, "Richard, fasten this necklace for me, will you, dear?" Richard, obligingly, emerges from the bathroom, walks up behind Hyacinth and begins fastening the necklace. "Are you wearing Sheridan's sapphire necklace again?" Richard asks as he fumbles familiarly with the clasp. "Yes, isn't it lovely," Hyacinth beams rhetorically. Richard looks down over her shoulder at Sheridan's sapphire necklace. (!) He does a sudden double-take; Hyacinth's dress is very low cut, revealing rather more of her abundant charms than Richard remembers. He pauses, mid-fasten, and stares. Good grief. The last time he saw anything like this he was commandeered to rescue Daddy from the Art Gallery.

Hyacinth senses a problem: Richard has stopped clasping. She turns her head and looks back over her shoulder at him. "Richard, whatever's the matter, dear?" she asks with wifely concern. He clears his throat. "Your dress," he says, stifling a sudden cough. "My dress? What about my dress?" Hyacinth demands. Richard hesitates, then blurts out more forcefully than intended, "It's rather a lot of exposure, isn't it?" He nods towards the revealing décolleté. Following the line of his gaze, Hyacinth says, "Well from that viewpoint, perhaps," she says, discounting his opinion. Richard rarely has the viewpoint one would wish anyway. Richard clasps Sheridan's sapphire necklace at last. Hyacinth pats it into place and whirls around to face him, her quivering décolletage causing Richard to venture a second opinion, "From every viewpoint," he says, rolling his eyes. "Really, Hyacinth, don't you think -"

"Richard," Hyacinth interrupts him firmly, straightening his tie. "You've seen it all before, dear," she reminds him. "Yes, I have, Hyacinth," he agrees, running his finger around the inside of his collar to loosen it. "Well there you are then," she says, patting his tie into place with practiced assurance. "But Hyacinth, I really think -" Richard hesitates. "What is it, Richard?" she asks, the tiniest note of exasperation creeping into her voice. They've only just arrived aboard the QE2 an hour ago and already Richard's becoming very tiresome - and the evening hasn't even begun yet! Hyacinth is tempted to lose patience but, determined not to let the side down, she asks, "Richard, do tell me what you think, dear. Come on. Tell me what you really think." Hyacinth pats her hair into place optimistically and smiles in anticipation. Plucking up courage, Richard squares his shoulders, and says, "The thing is, Hyacinth. . . I've had time to grow accustomed, you see, and other-" "And you've done very well too, dear," she compliments him, leaning down and looking up into his eyes with an enchanting smile, to which Richard responds by making a rather appalling gurgling noise deep in his throat.

Oh this is too much! Richard is a supportive husband in many ways - when he wants to be - but sometimes his behaviour would try the patience of a saint! Hyacinth turns and walks briskly over to the dressing table to pick up her evening bag but, catching sight of her reflection in the mirror, she cannot help but pause for a moment and smile in admiration. What an entrance she'll make at dinner! She shan't let anything spoil this evening. She shall simply handle Richard with kid gloves as always - he's in such a mood tonight! But she shall be the soul of patience, as is her wont. She turns towards him. "Richard," she says sweetly, "I don't know what your problem is, dear. This is an elegant gown. I bought it for just this occasion. It displays Sheridan's sapphire pendant necklace beautifully. Besides, it's perfect for dining at the Captain's table. Put your jacket on." Richard opens his mouth to speak - "Richard," Hyacinth says. Richard puts his jacket on.

Dear Richard. He means well, but he has no sense of style when it comes to ladies' dress. Taking pity, Hyacinth walks over and adjusts his lapels. That accomplished, she stands back, smiling with wifely satisfaction. My, but he does cut a dashing figure in a dinner jacket! Oh dear - is that a piece of lint on the toe of his evening shoe? Yes, it is. Hyacinth swoops down upon it and Richard, overcome with concern lest the bodice of her dress prove inadequate to requirements, begins choking in rather ungentlemanly fashion. Hyacinth stands up, perfectly contained as one would expect a lady of her calibre to be, and gives Richard a disapproving look. Richard manages to stifle an incipient attack of apoplexy. But it's too late. Hyacinth has lost patience. She gathers up her shawl and sweeps past him towards the door.

"Come along, Richard," she commands. "The Captain awaits!" Richard stands aside, holds the door for her and they go out. He feels vastly overheated in his starched shirt, jacket and tie, but whilst waiting for the elevator, Hyacinth experiences a sudden chill. She wraps her shawl closely around her shoulders, causing Richard to breathe a sigh of relief. Perhaps dinner will turn out to be a calmer affair than he thought. The elevator door opens and the Buckets step into the lift. Hyacinth stands back and nods to Richard. "Press Number One, " she says, adjusting her shawl. Richard presses Number One. Number One lights up. Having successfully carried out an order, Richard chances one last grateful glance in her direction only to see Sheridan's sapphire necklace proudly and prominently displayed once again upon her ample bosom. Richard rolls his eyes, thinking of the chaos that lies ahead. He saw the same thing happen once at Weston-super-Mare when they were on honeymoon. Thank the Lord she no longer has that floral bikini in her wardrobe! There were Scotch Eggs rolling off plates left and right. And back then she had less to display! The necessity of the moment requires that Richard be bold. He takes a deep breath and ventures a final opinion: "Hyacinth," he warns. "I should be very careful at dinner if I were you." The elevator door begins to close. "Hm?" she responds absently. "Promise me you won't lean too far down over the vichyssoise," Richard advises. "Mind the door!" she replies.

Go to PART TWO - "Elevator Going Up!"