Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Not even my soul.
I mean no harm to anyone by writing this. I'm not trying to offend anyone, so please keep that in mind! This was written purely in good humor.
Jack brought the butt of his staff down sharply into the ice.
The resulting crack stretched rapidly towards the teenage girl before him, who shook fearfully in her boots. Her long eyelashes fluttered as she blinked and stared uncomprehendingly at her approaching demise. Her golden head rose up at the last moment, soft violet eyes glistening with heart wrenching tears. "Jack-" she tried to plead, but then screamed as the ice gave way beneath her feet and her petite body plunged into the dark lake.
The water sloshed, gurgled, then stilled, and quieted. If not for the gaping hole, one could almost believe that it had not just swallowed a girl that would never resurface. The stars twinkled serenely overhead where they could be seen between the clouds.
The boy sighed and turned away, bringing his staff up to rest on his shoulder. "Another day," he said, walking away casually, "...another dilemma successfully averted."
Just then, the clouds mysteriously parted to reveal the glittering diamond moon. What is this? MiM thought curiously. Surely Jack has not fallen so far as to murder young girls? He was about to leave it be for the moment and investigate the issue further, but far away in a universe that was probably not quite as distant as it should have been, painted fingers moved swiftly over a keyboard, never once hitting backspace. In the same moment, MiM changed his mind. Then he got an idea. It came slowly, and he was incredulous at first, but the idea grew on him, and he deemed it brilliant.
"I wonder if Sandy can give me a dream with dolphins and narwhals," Jack was musing when he heard the water move. He quirked an eyebrow and turned around, only for his jaw to drop at the sight he saw.
The girl, whose name he didn't know, was rising from the ice in a beam of moonlight like some heavenly angel. Elegant white wings completed the picture.
"Dear Manny, what have you done?" Jack whispered in horror.
The girl gasped, her pink lips forming a perfect O. She was breathing; she was alive! She wasn't even wet anymore. But most importantly, her hair was still flawless.
The moon set her down gently, but her knees buckled and she stumbled like a newborn doe. The moonbeam disappeared and she was suddenly very, very afraid. Before she could fall onto the ice, strong arms caught her. That was when everything changed.
She blew her bangs out of her face (which had fallen over her eyes in an adorable way) and slowly looked up into two incredibly beautiful blue orbs that somehow managed to sparkle with both sensitivity and masculinity at the same time. She may have had no memory, but she was certain that this was the cutest boy in existence.
Meanwhile, Jack was silently cursing himself for his weakness. She'd looked so helpless, floundering around after she'd somehow been reborn (Jack glared at the sky, but the moon had already retreated behind another cloud, the coward). He just couldn't stop himself from helping her. Now he remembered why he had tried to get rid of her as those impossibly big candy-floss irises gazed up at him adoringly.
"Not floundering!" the girl snapped out of the blue. Jack cringed back and dropped her. Her nose bumped against the ice before she could spring back up into a more dignified stance. Jack raised his staff defensively, but the girl had already reverted back to her sweet and innocent manner.
"Who are you?" the girl asked breathlessly. She glanced around her body. "Who am I?"
Manny peeked out long enough to whisper her name, then sunk beneath his cloud once more before Jack could strike him with an ice beam.
The girl smiled and laughed like Christmas bells, jumping joyfully and clapping her hands together. "Pearl Snow! I am a winter spirit, guardian of grace!"
"Now just wait a minute—you haven't even taken the oath, how can you be a guardian?" Jack exclaimed.
Pearl Snow gave him a dazzling white smile that Tooth would certainly proclaim to be the best she's ever seen in all her thousands of years. "I just know I will be! Maybe I have clairvoyance? Oh! Oh! You! You can see me! You can help me!"
Jack leveled his staff and took aim. "That's right...I can see you perfectly..."
Pearl twisted around in circles in an effort to examine her wings. "Wow, so pretty!" She looked down at her clothes next, which had been magically transformed into a plain white v-neck t-shirt, dark blue skinny jeans, sparkly pink high heels, a brown leather jacket, and a golden heart locket around her pale neck.
Jack dropped his staff as he was knocked over by a full-body-weight bear hug. "Oomph!" How had she moved so fast?!
"Oh my goodness, you're so beautiful! Or handsome, or like, whatever! OMG OMG OMG!" Pearl squealed.
Jack tried to pry the wriggling she-witch from around his middle. What kind of hug was this? She was rolling around and kicking like they were having a pillow fight at some slumber party! It hurt, like being strangled by a dying salmon with perfectly manicured claws.
Jack wheezed as one of the eye-sore high heels jabbed him in the stomach. Pearl was now standing over him. Her eyes were a furious bright red. When she opened her mouth, her teeth were fangs. "STOP THINKING MEAN THOUGHTS ABOUT ME! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME! I'M THE MOST FANTASMAL AWESOMEST GREATEST BEUATIFULEST PERSON ALIVE!"
Jack dared not contradict her for fear of his life, so he nodded vigorously. Pearl brightened up and seemed to physically glow, releasing Jack from the constrains of her lethal shoe. "That's a great idea! Let's have a slumber party!" Her smile turned into a feral snarl. He paled. "And it'll be just the two of us-"
Before Pearl could create a mentally scarring image for Jack, her violet eyes rolled up in her head and she collapsed in a heap. Behind her stood another girl about the same age, black hair spilling wildly into her brown face, gripping a baseball bat. She offered a hand to Jack. He accepted it wordlessly—she was surprisingly strong.
"Angela Degrande," she panted. Jerking a thumb at the unconscious menace she said, "Been tracking this peppy bozo for weeks. Not as easy to pin down as you'd think. They move faster than the speed of light when they can sense more boy-toy prey. Hey," she continued, suddenly appearing more feminine as her hardened battle-weary voice softened and she plucked at her green tank top. "Is it hot to you? I think that maybe-"
Angela Degrande went down with a beam of ice, combat boots and all. "No way. Sues come in many forms. Not taking any chances," Jack determined, beginning to fly away. He didn't get far.
The boy yelped as his ankle was grabbed and he twisted in midair to see that a scrawny girl a with a waist-length chocolate brown braid had captured him. "Wow, look what I caught you guys! I finally did it, I finally got a boy! LOVE ME!"
"No!" A different hand grabbed his leg and slammed him into the ice. Hey, they were still on a lake, be more careful!
Jack's staff went rolling away. Tonight was not a good night. "He's mine, Marguerite!"
"AHHH! THIS IS THE CUTEST ONE E-V-E-RRRR!" Multiple hands grabbed him and he was lifted up, being pulled in far too many directions.
"I LOVE YOU!"
"I WANT YOUR CHILDREN!"
"YOUR HOODIE IS SO CUTE!"
"I WANT A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR!"
"Ahhh!" Jack screamed as somebody grabbed a fistful of his hair. "Let go let go let go!"
"Hey," one girl with bubble-gum pink hair spoke up quietly. Somehow everybody heard her, and the mob froze as they all looked at the girl who was standing on the sidelines of the 'let's kill the guardian of fun fest'. "I've been reading a lot of fanfiction lately, and thought, 'what if he prefers Jackrabbit or Blackice'?"
All of the ethereal girls dropped Jack as if he had the plague and backed away with their hands held up.
"H-hey!" Jack spluttered, getting to his feet indignantly. "I do not-"
The mob leaned closer, preparing to spring. Jack backtracked in fear. "Uh, I mean..." Ah! What could he do? He was NOT gay! But if he said that then the girls would be all over him and he was dead meat. Which was the lesser of two evils?
He had to play his cards right. Maybe there was another way out?
"Uh...HEY LOOK, IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER!" He yelled, pointing randomly.
The girls blinked dumbly. Someone threw a snowball at him. "Boo!"
"Geez, tough crowd. Not even the Mary Sues want Justin Bieber anymore," Jack muttered. "Um...who wants to hear me sing?" he suggested, already berating himself in his mind for saying such a thing.
"YAY!" the mob screamed in approval. They started jumping and hugging each other, getting out of control.
"I'll sing duet with you Jack!" one girl called.
"No you WON'T," another objected. "You'll ruin it!"
"Be quiet, be quiet! I want to hear his beautiful voice! I want to capture it in a magic music box and hold it tight to my heart!"
"I WANT JACK IN A BOX!"
In the mayhem, Jack was almost crushed by a girl riding a Pegasus. "Whoa, whoa, everybody CALM DOWN!" he ordered. "...or I won't sing," he added threateningly.
Instantly, the chaos died down. One girl with cat ears continued to dance in place, and someone else elbowed her.
"Okay...now move back," Jack commanded, as if speaking to a hungry pack of lions. The girls obeyed and took a few paces back. "Now sit down." They sat.
Jack cleared his throat. "Okay," he said to himself. "Okay, okay, you can do this."
A Mary Sue wearing a tiara raised her hand. Jack hesitantly pointed at her, giving her permission to speak. She giggled shyly and blushed. "H-hi, Jack. I'm Valentina Evangeline Pomona." The girl beside her raised a silver bejeweled knife and mimed cutting her throat. V.E.P. withdrew her own intricately carved wand and mouthed some very rude words. Jack ignored them.
"Alright then. Here we go," the winter spirit announced. The mob immediately gave him their undivided attention.
"Frosty the Snowman, was a jolly happy soul," Jack sang awkwardly, waiting for the rejection. When he received none, he resigned himself to his fate and desperately tried to recall the words to the pathetic song, which he sang out of tune.
"With a corn cob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made of coal...that matched his soul.
"Frosty the Snowman, is a tall tale—fairy tale, they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know he was alive all along.
"There must have been some magic in that old top hat, or beanie, or straw hat, they found,
"For when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around!
"Oh, Frosty, the Snowman, was alive most certainly;
and the children say he could laugh and play,
just the same as some guy I don't know.
"Thumps and thumpeties and more thumps...thump...
is there a rabbit in here?
"Thumpety thumpety, thump, thump, thump
over the hills of snow.
"Frosty the Snowman, felt the sun was hot that day,
so he said, "Let's run...before I melt...you know."
"Down to the village, with a broomstick in hand,
Running all around town for some reason,
saying, "I've got a broom!...look at that...yay!"
"He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop, because he wanted to make the guy's day really bad 'cause he hated cops a lot;
"and only paused a moment, when he heard him holler, 'Stop!', because Frosty must've hit him over the head with the broomstick or something.
"For Frosty, the Snowman, was a juvenile delinquent apparently...
But he waved goodbye, saying "Don't you cry, the cops will never catch me because...I'm awesome like that. Oh, and I'll be back again someday!"
As the rabid Sues' cheers erupted, nearly shaking the sky, Jack used his foot to flip his staff into his hands. He grinned, then promptly turned the entire congregation into one big ice cube. He twirled his staff and blew on it like a smoking gun.
"Now," he sighed, observing the frozen Sues that now resembled some grotesque piece of art. "-how to get this off my lake?"
While the unsuspecting boy was pondering his options (giving them to Pitch, feeding them to Bunny, sending them on a ride in the sleigh without an experienced driver) Angela was thawing out and Pearl was waking up.
"What kind of drink is this North?"
"Hot chocolate, Tooth!"
Tooth gasped and swatted the mug off the table before any of her fairies could touch it. "Evil!" she screeched. The elves swarmed to the chocolate puddle on the floor and lapped it up with their tongues.
"Come now, Tooth-"
Thunk!
"What was that?" Bunny asked, looking up from the egg he was painting.
CRASH!
The guardians jumped as Jack's staff came through the closed window. A hand reached through the hole and scrabbled for the latch, flipping the window open. Jack pushed his way into the meeting room. He was quite the sight.
"Oh, what happened Sweet Tooth?" the tooth fairy asked, going into mother hen mode as the boy approached the guardians.
"What happened?" he snapped, wiping lipstick from his cheek with the sleeve of his hoodie, which was now in torn rags. "I got mauled by those—those creatures!"
Tooth gasped. "Oh no!"
"I've had enough!" Jack exclaimed, glaring at the guardian of wonder. "I'm liberating your yetis North and I'm taking them to war."
"Wait just a minute, mate," Bunny interrupted. "What on blue earth are you talking about, and how did you end up like...that?" Bunny gestured from the glitter, to the scratch and teeth marks, to the nail polish, lipstick, and shredded clothing.
"Sues!" Jack shouted wildly, gesturing madly. "Mary Sues—North," Jack's tone turned to pleading as he whirled on the Cossack. "Make them stop, I can't take it anymore. All this-this," Jack struggled to find the word, "Love!"
Baby Tooth backed him up by flying to the boy's shoulder and cupping her hands together in front of her with teary violet eyes. Were she human, she might make a decent Mary Sue.
"I am sorry, Jack, but you must put up with this," North said sadly.
Jack gaped at him. "But-but why?"
Tooth flew up to the globe. "Because Sweet Tooth, the vast majority of the globe's lights consist of Mary Sues. Without Mary Sues, we'd all be that much weaker."
"But they like me, not you guys!"
"Is true," North replied. "But to believe in you, many of them must also believe in the rest of the guardians."
"And quite a few of them chase after Bunny too," Tooth pointed out. "If only they could ever find him—he's always in his Warren or at the Pole."
Bunny, who had resumed painting, perked his ears in alarm. "Naw, that can't be true, Sheila."
Jack smirked. "But it is Bunny! I could introduce you sometime."
"You do, you'll be pulling carrots out your nose for weeks," Bunny growled.
By this point, Sandy was fuming, his sand signs having gone unnoticed thus far. He tugged on the scraps of Jack's sleeve, rapidly signing.
Jack squinted at the signs, trying to make out some meaning. By some miracle, he came to a conclusion, albeit the wrong one. "That's it!" he said. Sandy smiled. "I'll recruit the elves for the war too. Bye guys!" Sandy frowned.
North caught Jack by the arm as he tried to fly off. "Wait," he said sternly.
"Aw, come on," Jack whined. "Can't I get a break?"
"I need elves and yetis for toy making. Can't have them fighting in war."
Jack considered this. "I'll just ask Pitch to use his army of nightmares then."
"Give him the yetis, North!" Tooth squeaked.
"But what about all those lights?" Bunny asked. "If you off the Sues, you lose believers. And that means you lose power."
Sandy grabbed Jack around the waist with a swirl of dream sand. This got everyone's attention. He pointed to Jack, noting his awful state with his signs, then made a picture of a shining light bulb and a girl. He made an X over the girl, and kept the bulb shining. He removed the X, and while the bulb still shone, he pointed to Jack again and made a frowny face.
Tooth translated. "So...what you're saying is, the Mary Sue believers don't really help us; they only harm Jack?"
Sandy nodded.
"They don't affect the guardians' powers?" Jack asked.
Sandy confirmed it with another nod.
Jack whooped and did a back flip. "Then I'm taking the Yetis AND the sleigh and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" he said with a crazed gleam in his eyes. He took off flying through the workshop, and several loud crashes were heard.
North looked at the dream master. "You have plan Sandy?"
Sandy conjured a ball of sand and threw it up and down in his hand.
"I don't think Mary Sues can really be stopped anyway," Tooth mused as the guardians raced to follow Jack.
"Let's knock 'em out before the ankle biter wrecks the whole Pole," Bunny said to Sandy. The little man pounded his fist into his palm.
Bunny grinned. "That's the idea mate."
Reviews are love, and flames will be used to keep warm =3